Need some guidance

[Ariel23]

So things with my SO (if she is even that anymore) and I have been quite rocky since she became a cop (2 years ago). We haven't really spoken the last few weeks. We got in a fight over something stupid basically she was pissed about something and pulled the whole "I'm mad but I'm not gonna tell you why" even when I asked her to tell me what was wrong. We were in the middle of a conversation about something on TV so you could imagine my confusion. It got me nowhere and then she just ignored me for 2 days. She does that whenever she gets mad and I told her I wasn't going to put up with it anymore because I deserve better than to be disrespected and ignored. We have fought non-stop because her tolerance level for anything is very low. I've heard "I'm not in the mood to argue" more times than I can count whenever I talk about something serious or how I feel about her actions. As you can imagine as a cop she deals with fatalities and crap from people all day. She's not the same person she was and won't admit that her job is taking its toll on her. She doesn't talk about how she feels and I know the fatalities have affected her more than she will admit I can just see it. Her friends see it. Most recently she was in a car accident and her friends keep telling me she's not in a good place but she refuses to get help or admit that she needs it. I have no clue what to do and it's very frustrating and stressing me out. If she was here I'd obviously just go over and speak to her but she's thousands of miles away. I keep getting texts from her friends saying talk to her talk to her. But she clearly doesn't want to speak to me. The only reason I know about the accident is because her friends snuck and text me from her phone. Despite me being mad with her I still want to help and be there for her. But if she won't take it what am I supposed to do?

[Sarah96]

I think the most you can do is try to keep talking to her, you and her friends, to get her help. If you all know she needs it and can see that she needs it, you have to talk to her about it. Having experience with people not wanting to go to therapy or counseling, it's difficult to convince them unless they want to do it because they made the decision. You have to bring the subject up gently, don't accuse or argue or tell her she needs it "or else", it will just make her angry. Start by telling her you love her and just talking about happy things and ask her how she's feeling, try to get her to open up as much as you can and tell her you support her. Then eventually suggest the idea of therapy/counseling. Maybe if it is possible to skype/facetime with her and have a sort of "intervention" with you and her friends? It will probably take a lot of convincing but if it's for her mental health it will be worth it. Sorry I don't have any other advice but good luck and I wish you two the best with whatever you decide to do

[merlinkitty]

You're familiar with the phrase "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"? Now clearly there's something wrong with her and she's refusing to get help.

I'm going to tell you right now. You are not responsible for her well-being. She is. Being emotionally divorced from your relationship, I find it very offensive the position you've been placed in. She's behaving like a child. To everyone. The fact that her friends are seeking you out to get her help should tell you something. They're being ignored just as much are you are. The only thing I know to tell you is to know your limits of how far you're willing to go to help her. Frankly, you don't deserve the treatment you're receiving. Any successful relationship needs communication. Ignoring someone is the lowest form of punishment. What she's telling you is "you're misbehaving and in order to correct this behavior I'm going to ignore you until you behave properly and in the manner that I see fit without any explanation of what those terms are." Are you a child that you don't deserve to be spoken to like an adult?

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Her second. When you're in an airplane they tell you if the plane has an emergency you are to put your ventilation mask on first and help the person next to you after. Assert your right to be treated better. Don't let her cross those lines with you. Tell her you want to see her better, that she needs help, you'll be there for her throughout, but if she chooses not to then don't expect to find you waiting around. She could cycle around with this for years if she refuses to get help. I never like giving a solution of "breakup" in these posts because, frankly, this isn't my relationship. It's yours. But if this horse doesn't start drinking water soon, if it were me? I'd be looking for the exit.

[TheSteelAngel]

I agree with what has been said so far. Your own mental state is probably the most important thing in any relationship, especially LDRs. You need to ask yourself if this is even worth it. Is it worth having someone who claims to love you ignore you fight with you all the time? The second most important thing is communication. If a couple doesn't communicate, the relationship won't get anywhere except downhill. You need to bring up your concerns with her somehow, and if she is still refusing to speak with you then it would be best for you to move on.