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Relationship is falling apart - urgent help needed!

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    #1

    Relationship is falling apart - urgent help needed!

    Hello,

    I've been in a long distance for a little more than 6 months. We see each other about every 2 months for 1 or 2 weeks. However, she's a very insecure person. To keep it short, a few months ago I accidentally unhid a picture of me and my ex on my FB profile, which of course was very misleading for my current gf, even though there was and is nothing at all going on with my ex (eventually I cut off the contact to my ex completely).
    It led to the point of arguing almost every day, and what she wants now is a reassurance or a "proof", some action/fact that will make her feel safe about me being faithful.
    I'm feeling very desperate because for me she's really "the one", and we had a lot of plans about moving together. When we do see each other, everything is fine, it feels perfect and she's really caring and sweet, but as soon as we're apart, she gets very afraid of me cheating and starts blaming me and arguing.

    I really need a good idea on how to fix this.
    I've tried with gifts (not material things, but rather self-crafted objects, cute things and so on), with letters, and with endless messages explaining what happened, and what she means to me. Despite the distance, I try to give her as much attention as possible, we send messages at every hour of the day and we usually skype for hours in the evenings.

    How can I "prove" to her that nothing is going to happen in the future and that I will stay at her side?

    I really need something really good, and as soon as possible.
    I have no idea what to do, but I feel very depressed every day...
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    #2
    Why did you unhide the picture in the first place if you're so happy? What was the reasoning behind you doing that? Seems completely silly to me...

    Comment

      #3
      Tell her you are tired of walking on egg shells - that is what you are doing. If she loves you, she needs to trust you and if she doesn't trust you, she needs to tell you that, because right now you are in limbo and she needs some tough love.

      You can offer to tell her where you are going and when you'll be back and make sure you let her know if it takes longer, send her pictures if she really needs or wants them, but that's it, really.

      Relationship began: 05/22/2012
      First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
      Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
      Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
      Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
      Married: 1/24/2015
      Became Resident: 9/14/2015

      Comment

        #4
        Yeah, if a simple mistake upsets her this much, she got some deeper issues to work out. Trust is a huge part in every relationship, and part of it is that you can trust your partner when they made a silly mistake like that. Do your best to treat her well, but within reason - Don't play the ridiculously devoted servant now. As snow says, if you have to walk on egg shells in such a simple situation and even after explaining it thoroughly and apologizing, she has some deeper trust issues going on.

        ~
        It'll take a lot more than words and guns
        A whole lot more than riches and muscle
        The hands of the many must join as one
        And together we'll cross the river

        Comment

          #5
          Why do you have pics of yourself and ex on FB anyways? If you want them for posterity's sake, just keep them on your personal PC. Dumb move "unhiding" them.
          I would be feeling insecure too if a few months into a relationship suddenly pics of my SO and his ex just "popped up" on FB.
          Do people not delete their photos with their exes anymore? How confusing for your poor SO!
          I would not say that feeling uncertain after this happened makes your SO insecure or needy.

          HOWEVER, if this relationship is going to work, you are both going to have to get over it. Your SO is going to have to realize it was a mistake, and you will have to prove you are into this with your SO. Why not take the pics (even the hidden ones) off of FB again so this will not ever "accidentally" happen again.

          It does strike me as odd tho... Normally you would be able to re-hide the pics instantly without your SO having to view you with your ex. Methinks this was possibly done on purpose but when your SO became so upset, you instantly had to make it a mistake.

          Anyways, good luck. A good SO will be able and willing to work through this with you, without you having to "buy" back their love. You will however need to be more careful in the future. Good luck!

          Comment

            #6
            You don't fix this. She does. Plain and simple. She either needs to choose to trust you, or not. Like Snow said, you can't be walking on eggshells like this. "The one" wouldn't put you in a position like that.

            There is only so much you can do to help her see she can trust you. And I would tell her this. That she has a choice. To trust you or not. At this stage of the game, since you've already tried everything else, the ball is now in her court what she's willing to do to make this work.
            "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by Honour View Post
              Why did you unhide the picture in the first place if you're so happy? What was the reasoning behind you doing that? Seems completely silly to me...
              The picture is on my ex's profile, and for some reason I cannot remove the tag. That means that it's always going to be in my set of hidden pictures, and if I accidentally click on it when I want to unhide a different picture, it happens very quickly. I hadn't noticed I had unhidden the wrong picture. It is a dumb move indeed.

              I know it's very stupid, but mistakes happen and I feel very sorry for it. :/ But it's not like I can undo what happened.

              (as I side note, if I really wanted to cheat on her with my ex, I would have no reason to put a picture of my ex on my profile... I can't see any reason why anyone would do that on purpose).


              It just hurts so much, telling her that she has to choose between trusting me and not basically means that I have to let her go, that I won't talk to her ever again...
              I just don't understand how she can go from loving and caring to angry and blaming within 2 days... The last week we spent together was absolutely perfect, we had no problems at all, and she didn't show any insecurities.


              I always tell her where I go and what I do, she knows everything. I even offered her my social networks passwords, but she declined...
              Last edited by aya91; February 28, 2015, 06:36 PM.

              Comment

                #8
                Facebook sucks. It is The Relationship Ruiner. But I don't see anything else you can do. The ball is in her court.

                Right now she's showing you how she deals with conflict. Just be aware.
                "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by merlinkitty View Post
                  Right now she's showing you how she deals with conflict. Just be aware.
                  This is important to remember. I'd agree with others that really there isn't much you can do at this point. Hope things get better and she starts trusting more.
                  When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far,
                  no time is too long, and no other love can break them apart.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by conejita_hada View Post
                    This is important to remember. I'd agree with others that really there isn't much you can do at this point. Hope things get better and she starts trusting more.
                    She wants an actual proof that I'm not cheating, and the fact that she hasn't got it for her means that I broke a promise, which makes everything even worse.

                    She only answers with "I hate you", "Never talk to me again", "You're a liar", "You're a cheater" and so on.
                    There's no way to talk to her right now.

                    So I guess I should just give up? I really don't know what to do...

                    Comment

                      #11
                      If she reacts like this to all of your attempts to smooth things over and calm her down, she has some serious trust issues. Incredibly unfortunate

                      Yeah, there's really nothing you can do right now. She seems really distressed and paranoid. Leave her be, hopefully she'll come to her sense when she calms down and realize that she's not even giving herself a chance to trust you.

                      ~
                      It'll take a lot more than words and guns
                      A whole lot more than riches and muscle
                      The hands of the many must join as one
                      And together we'll cross the river

                      Comment

                        #12
                        She wants to be left alone so just leave her alone.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by Redheart14 View Post
                          She wants to be left alone so just leave her alone.
                          So even if I'm right and honest there's nothing I can do?

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by aya91 View Post
                            So even if I'm right and honest there's nothing I can do?
                            You don't know that, nor do we. Just give. her. time. She needs it by the sound of it. When she's ready to talk, I'm sure she will.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Originally posted by Honour View Post
                              You don't know that, nor do we. Just give. her. time. She needs it by the sound of it. When she's ready to talk, I'm sure she will.
                              Well, I won't talk to her anymore unless she starts a conversation.

                              Comment

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