Relationship is falling apart - urgent help needed!

[Honour]

Well, I won't talk to her anymore unless she starts a conversation.

Good idea. You can't do all the running, after all. If she wants to keep the relationship alive, eventually she'll have to stop acting so childishly.

[aya91]

Good idea. You can't do all the running, after all. If she wants to keep the relationship alive, eventually she'll have to stop acting so childishly.

I'm just very scared... I hope she'll realise what's going on.

[Honour]

I'm just very scared... I hope she'll realise what's going on.

She either will, or she won't. I'm afraid to say that that is a little beyond your power. I'd like to be able to say with confidence "It will work out," but I can't work miracles, only give you the truth. to you.

[aya91]

She either will, or she won't. I'm afraid to say that that is a little beyond your power. I'd like to be able to say with confidence "It will work out," but I can't work miracles, only give you the truth. to you.

Thank you!

So, this morning she asked me if I want to join a film competition to submit a film we had done together about 1 year ago, since she was asked to join. I answered "Yes, that would be great" and she said "ok" and that was all of the conversation.
In your opinion, do you think it might be just a formal question, since I was part of the film, or an attempt to talk to me?
And nevertheless, I think it's wiser to wait until she writes more?

[Honour]

Thank you!

So, this morning she asked me if I want to join a film competition to submit a film we had done together about 1 year ago, since she was asked to join. I answered "Yes, that would be great" and she said "ok" and that was all of the conversation.
In your opinion, do you think it might be just a formal question, since I was part of the film, or an attempt to talk to me?
And nevertheless, I think it's wiser to wait until she writes more?

*facepalms*

No offence, but she's got a damned cheek to ask you something like that when she can't even be bothered to speak to you otherwise. I think it's just a formal question. Nevertheless, I could be wrong. Though I think it's a bit off asking someone you say "I hate you" to ask of them something like that.

[p_b82]

Having just read through this I agree with what the other poster's have said.

you made a mistake, (I still have all the pics that I am in, and my ex is on my FB profile - why because it is who I am, and I am not ashamed of it but that is just me) you apologised, and by the sound of it went above and beyond what I would say is normal, and still she does not trust/ believe you?

there is no way you can really show her proof you are not cheating, you can prove you are, but the latter is almost impossible - because if she does not believe you, how does she know the pictures/things are not faked?

I would honestly walk away from this one, to me unless she is willing to work on her insecurity is going to keep coming back and bite you - you will be always watching where you tread and what you say, and it will probably grind you down.....

so I echo the 'ultimatum' option in this case, tell her to drop it, accept you apology and your reasoning for doing it; and if she can't end it - hard as that will be

[merlinkitty]

She wants an actual proof that I'm not cheating, and the fact that she hasn't got it for her means that I broke a promise, which makes everything even worse.

She only answers with "I hate you", "Never talk to me again", "You're a liar", "You're a cheater" and so on.
There's no way to talk to her right now.

So I guess I should just give up? I really don't know what to do...

You can't prove that something doesn't exist. Me, not having an emotional investment in this I would give her a peace sign and say "sayonara." For the "I hate you comment" alone I wouldn't let her back in my life even if she begged. That's a terrible thing to say to someone you care about. Imagine if this were going on in person, right in front of you. What would that look like?? That's awful how she's reacting. We're all allowed to get angry in a relationship, but how she's responding, personally I hope you have the respect for yourself to look for someone more mature than this. You don't deserve it. It was a mistake. You explained. She's being a total witch.It's unacceptable to me. I wouldn't tolerate this at all from my SO.

[aya91]

Having just read through this I agree with what the other poster's have said.
you made a mistake, (I still have all the pics that I am in, and my ex is on my FB profile - why because it is who I am, and I am not ashamed of it but that is just me) you apologised, and by the sound of it went above and beyond what I would say is normal, and still she does not trust/ believe you?
there is no way you can really show her proof you are not cheating, you can prove you are, but the latter is almost impossible - because if she does not believe you, how does she know the pictures/things are not faked?
I would honestly walk away from this one, to me unless she is willing to work on her insecurity is going to keep coming back and bite you - you will be always watching where you tread and what you say, and it will probably grind you down.....
so I echo the 'ultimatum' option in this case, tell her to drop it, accept you apology and your reasoning for doing it; and if she can't end it - hard as that will be

In the end, the last statement was "never talk to me again".

You can't prove that something doesn't exist. Me, not having an emotional investment in this I would give her a peace sign and say "sayonara." For the "I hate you comment" alone I wouldn't let her back in my life even if she begged. That's a terrible thing to say to someone you care about. Imagine if this were going on in person, right in front of you. What would that look like?? That's awful how she's reacting. We're all allowed to get angry in a relationship, but how she's responding, personally I hope you have the respect for yourself to look for someone more mature than this. You don't deserve it. It was a mistake. You explained. She's being a total witch.It's unacceptable to me. I wouldn't tolerate this at all from my SO.

It is so hard to let go for three reasons...
1) When we're together she's perfect, because she feels safe.
2) As much as she hurts me, I suspect she does have a psychological problem, and it is not entirely her fault. I don't want to leave her alone in this because I know she's hurt, and I know she loves me. I feel like I'm the one responsible for taking her back to reality, and I don't know how.
3) She's breaking up for the wrong reasons and I don't want to leave this matter unresolved.

That said, I admit it's pretty stupid to still be part of it for me, and I should leave. But I'm so attached and dependant...

[Miasmata]

It is so hard to let go for three reasons...
1) When we're together she's perfect, because she feels safe.
2) As much as she hurts me, I suspect she does have a psychological problem, and it is not entirely her fault. I don't want to leave her alone in this because I know she's hurt, and I know she loves me. I feel like I'm the one responsible for taking her back to reality, and I don't know how.
3) She's breaking up for the wrong reasons and I don't want to leave this matter unresolved.

That said, I admit it's pretty stupid to still be part of it for me, and I should leave. But I'm so attached and dependant...

Oof, I feel like I gotta do a bit of a rebuttal here, because you make me more and more worried.

1) No relationship will always be 100% safe. As you just saw, misunderstandings happen more easily than you think. And what will happen when your relationship hits a more rocky period (because ANY relationship does that, no matter how happy)? What if you are confronted with money issues, losing a job, conflicting viewpoints on crucial matters, the death of someone close to you? All of those hit people hard, no matter how happy, and that affects a relationship. If she can't handle a misunderstanding, you have to walk on eggshells around her. That's not perfect, that's a ticking time bomb.

2) Stop right there. You are making several very problematic mistakes, and you need to stop thinking like that, right now.
First off, whether she has a psychological problem or not, she's not a baby - She's responsible for her own behaviour. Being mentally ill explains things, but doesn't excuse them. Mentally ill people are not irresponsible toddlers - They struggle more with their behaviour, yes, but they should never ever be absolved of their responsibility. Absolving them is an insult to everyone involved. Your SO is an adult, so treat her like one.
Secondly, love is no excuse for terrible behaviour. Excusing terrible behaviour with "But I know she loves me!" is a dangerous path, and in the most extreme cases, it leads to an abusive spiral. Someone who truly loves you makes a genuine effort not to hurt their partner with their behaviour. I don't know if she's making that effort, but she has to if she wants this relationship to be healthy. Don't act as if you need to be her sandbag out of love. That's not how a healthy relationship works, ever. You deserve to be treated with respect, no matter how rough of a patch your partner is going through. Yes, my SO has yelled at me once or twice when he was really upset, but he apologized profusely afterwards and is making a noticable, legit effort to improve his behaviour. The difference is in being aware of the issues and working on them. If he didn't do that, I wouldn't be in this relationship anymore, because I deserve to be treated with respect, and no love in the world excuses abusive behaviour. The same goes for you.

And thirdly, most of all ...
Say it with me: You are not a therapist. You can't be her therapist, and you shouldn't try to be her therapist. If she truly has a mental issue, it is not on you to solve it. Again, love isn't the magic fix-it-all. She definitely seems to have serious trust issues, and that CAN be part of a bigger, underlying problem. A healthy partner doesn't suddenly claim to hate you over a really simple mistake, that's for sure. But you are not a professional, and you are jeopardizing your own wellbeing by thinking you could replace one. Your SO needs to seek actual, professional help to find out if she's mentally ill. Again, though - She's an adult. You can't force her to go, or act as her counselor. The most you can do is suggest her to seek professional help and support her in the endeavour. That's it, and that's okay that way. Insisting on being her therapist WILL ruin you mentally sooner or later, because that is a huge burden to shoulder, and one you are NOT equipped for.

3) Did she say she's breaking up? Didn't seem like it. Wanting to get closure is a good thing, but make sure to have a proper talk about whether or not she even means to end it. Right now, she's just giving you a really cold shoulder and it's unacceptable. She has to be willing to talk to you if she still cares about this relationship at all.


And last, but not least:
You just called yourself dependent on this relationship. That is a HUGE red flag.

You are your own person, independently worthwhile and respectable. If this behaviour from your SO becomes a pattern she's unwilling to fix, LEAVE. You are NOT dependant on this person, and you are not her sandbag or her therapist. Do you really feel like this is a relationship worth fighting for? Do you feel respected and appreciated in this relationship? Do you think your SO is truly willing to work on her behaviour and stick with you through the good and the bad? If you answer No to any of these, you should seriously reconsider this whole thing. We all love our partners dearly, but nobody in a healthy relationship would call themselves emotionally dependant on their SO. You need to be seriously honest with yourself, because as it looks from what you say, you are severely endangering your mental health here for the sake of someone who just lashes out at you. Please, be safe and smart here.

You yourself said you think you should leave. Since you already know the answer, you know what to do.

[Honour]

If you become utterly dependent on your SO, there's something majorly wrong there.

[p_b82]

Miasmata has said it as well as any-one else can do.

I was partially guilty of trying to help my recent ex repair some of the corruption in her as well, and while I was doing it for the right reasons, I do not feel she saw it in the same way or thought I was pushing her too fast or something (I don't know for sure, as not talked it through yet).

I hate to say it, but you need to get out that relationship, the way she spoke to you, and has already told you 'never speak to me again' I would tell them that you will do just that, and if they think that is a suitable way to treat another human being, they are going to find themselves lonely for a very long time.

[merlinkitty]

It is so hard to let go for three reasons...
1) When we're together she's perfect, because she feels safe.
2) As much as she hurts me, I suspect she does have a psychological problem, and it is not entirely her fault. I don't want to leave her alone in this because I know she's hurt, and I know she loves me. I feel like I'm the one responsible for taking her back to reality, and I don't know how.
3) She's breaking up for the wrong reasons and I don't want to leave this matter unresolved.

That said, I admit it's pretty stupid to still be part of it for me, and I should leave. But I'm so attached and dependant...

I am really struggling not to reach through this computer screen and give you a good shake right now. What you're describing is a cyclic codependant abusive nightmare. I know it's hard to let go with your emotional attachment. You're only attached and dependent if you tell yourself that.

I had this whole thing typed out but seriously I cannot reiterate what Miasmata said more. If I could like her post a few more times I would. What you've said makes me really nervous for you. I suspect after I've spent my time writing this, you crawl back to her, begging her forgiveness and kissing her royal butt. And the cycle of abuse has begun. If you don't have the guts to stand up for yourself then no one else will. We are each responsible for our own behavior. You are for yours as well and I truly hope you have more respect for yourself than to put up with this nonsense.

[whatruckus]

I'm sorry, but...all this over a dumb photo??????? My SO is still tagged in one of his ex's pics and it popped up in my feed. All I did was ask him "Why did so-and-so tag you in a pic?" And, he got really confused, so I screen shot it to him. Now, given that I knew it was an old pic (it was already on his profile) it wasn't that big of an issue. But, it still irked me that for some reason he was re-tagged in it (even though they're not even friends on FB). It was really weird. FB must've glitched on us. But, even still, I got over it within minutes.

I have pretty bad trust issues, but it seems like your SO has even bigger ones. Or, she was looking for something to pin on you. It really makes no sense to me why she would react the way she did, and still behave that way. It also seems like she's already made up her mind about you. How can you prove that you're not cheating on her...if you're not? Makes no sense. That's like someone asking to see the wind and not believing the trees/leaves/flowers swaying when the wind blows.

I'm not one for ultimatums, but in this case...I kind of agree with the others. If she doesn't stop acting like a brat about this, I don't see what else you could do.

You can't let go because you don't want to let go. It has nothing to do with how hard it is, or how "great" she might be. My SO has PTSD, anxiety, and depression. You know how many rough patches we've been through? Even with his disorders, I don't give him free passes to be a dick to me. Some things, yes, I let slide, but for the most part...when he's ignoring me or being mean to me, I call him out on it. For a little while, the first year we dated, I let him slide a lot because I was afraid to say anything to him. Now? Forget it. The gloves are off. I was both you and your SO in my last relationship, it sucked. I was afraid of my ex leaving me, and thought he was amazing, even when he treated me like garbage and cheated on me all the time. For months after he said it was over, I held on to him (partly didn't help that he was manipulating me), but once I let go...I found my SO.

I told my SO from the beginning of us talking that I don't do the games anymore, the breaking up-get back together BS. I'm 26, I don't have time for that crap. I don't have time for cheating. Either you want to be with me, or you don't. Either you trust me, or you don't. And, it's the same for my SO.

Either your SO has to trust you, or she never will. There's nothing to prove. I chose to trust my SO. He's never given me a valid reason to not trust him, just as you've never given yours any real reason not to trust you. So you're stuck being tagged in one of your ex's pictures, it happens. Not everyone remembers to delete all the photos. There have been pictures that I'm tagged in with my ex that I can't untag myself in either. But, because my SO chooses to trust me, he doesn't care. They're just pictures. It'd be different if they were recent pictures, but they're not. They're years old, just as I'm sure the picture of you and your ex is as well. That's another thing I don't understand, she should've checked the date of the photo. Even the picture that popped up of my SO that his ex took of him, I checked the date and knew that it was old so it didn't even matter. It was just weird her name popped up in my feed with his being tagged in the picture. I'm not friends with her either (obviously).

Don't make excuses for your SO. Pyschological problems or not, she's behaving pretty irrationally. By the way, I have really low-self esteem, anxiety, and depression, and I don't treat my SO the way yours does when he does something wrong.

[aya91]

You can't let go because you don't want to let go. It has nothing to do with how hard it is, or how "great" she might be.

Obviously now I'm behaving just as irrationally, as in fact, I don't want to let go of her... On the other hand, having experienced one of the best weeks of my life (I'm not exaggerating), and getting rejected and insulted just a few days later hits me as hard as it can, and I just cannot "forget" that there's a loving and caring side of her, that makes me feel as good as it gets. The extremes are as far away from each other as it goes. Before we got together I considered her my best friend for 2 years (and in that time, everything was "normal"). When we are together, I feel cared for, I feel respected, I feel loved, and she actually puts more effort into the relationship than anyone else has done so far. It pushes up my self-esteem, and I wouldn't know how to find I girl like that (only the part when we're close!) again. That's why right now I can't just think "she's treating me in a bad way, so let's just quit". I'm losing my SO and my best friend. I still hope she will come to reason and that I might get to visit her again, or that she will visit me, and I know that right now I'm so emotionally dependant that I'd do anything just to see her again, with the hope that things will improve. And what makes it even harder is that I cannot get any closure, because we're in a constant argument state. At least, that's what my brain is telling me right now. I'd like to add that I deal with depression and other mental and personality issues myself, so I tend to attach myself very tightly to any potentially positive thing in my life. I also can't get out of my head the fact that she is hurt, and that she has her version of the story. As much as I'm aware that she is abusing of me, I also know she isn't doing it consciously... which makes it even worse for me because I feel sorry and angry at the same time.

So at this point, the question might be what the best way is to get over her and leave...


Miasmata: She clearly said we've broken up and that she's single. In the end, she did contact me again, just to argue further. I did previously tell her that I wish to respected too, and that this attitude isn't going to bring us anywhere, but her response was that I'm belittling her, that I'm blaming her and that I think she's crazy. She's 100% sure I'm after my ex, and she tells me to go to her, to marry her and so on. Obviously no matter what I say, I can't make her understand that I don't care about my ex. This is another thing that frustrates me...

I'm not going to argue over any of those points because I believe you're right on everything you wrote and I really need to find the strength to do that step...

So at this point, what do I say? I know exactly that if I give her an ultimatum or I say that I want to be respected or anything alike she will just point out that she's the one who needs to be respected. I suspect if I say I want to let go she'll let me. What I can't do is just disappear without saying anything, since her previous boyfriends did that (although they never argued this badly, as far as I know). If I ask her to give me another chance, she will at some point, and the circle will just start all over again.

Right now any option looks like a dead end to me...

[whatruckus]

Snipped

Now, I tell everyone this now, since it took my own break up with my ex to realize this: You will find someone else who will treat you right. Better, even. You just have to open up your eyes, and your heart, and let that person come to you.

There is nothing left for you to say if, even after you told her this was getting you guys no where, she's still acting this way and said you guys are done. No ultimatum, no explaining, no arguing. Like I said before, she made up her mind.

If you want to get over her and move on, well...you just have to keep yourself busy. I'd suggest cutting contact with her because it seems any time you two talk, it just becomes toxic and she can't let go of her delusion.

I was in my relationship with my ex for 5 years. 5 YEARS. He was my first love, he took my virginity, my first serious boyfriend (or "real" boyfriend). He made promises to propose, to marry me, and have children with me.

Also, of course when you're together you're going to feel the way that you did. Your mind blocks out all the bad things that have happened, all the arguments, in order to process having a great time together. It still doesn't change the fact that problems were there, and still are. And, it obviously doesn't push up your self-esteem that much if you feel like you can't find someone else. Someone who's going to treat you better.

Break ups are always hard at first. Then, once you let go, they're easy-peasy.