how to set a end date?

[Gingerlyme]

hey guys,

Those who have closed the distance and have made plans (solid) to close the distance, how did you set that?
Do you set a precautionary end date etc "if we dont have solid plans to close the distance in 2years, we'll see if we still want to work at it"


I've very recently moved 5000miles to my S/O's country Australia, but we are still in different states.
My move to the country was for professional reasons (working visa) and as much as i want to work in his state (sydney), it just isn't possible for a couple years and reasons. My working visa (457) needs me to work in my company for at least 2 years before i can even switch to another sponsor employee or otherwise. Also, my work is very specialized and i don't see the same field opening up in Syndey in the next couple years and to pay as good. I dont want to risk a huge pay cut since i am very independent and don't want to have to depend on my S/O, he has his own responsibilities. (lives with his single-parent mom because he needs to help her pay house mortgage or she can't cope)

S/O has a great paying job back in his state and he has been living in his state his whole life. He never moved and is very much in his comfort zone.
I have spoke to him about him moving to melbourne but he is not someone who likes to plan things and he is very comfortable at his job and unless something drops in his knees in melbourne, he won't actively go out searching for it.

I would love to work in Sydney but i dont see it happening for at least 3-4 years (visa and work opportunities).
I just dont know if we are just dragging it out, he likes to take things one day at a time. I'm honestly hesitant about the future because there is nothing concrete and i KNOW MOST OF US GOES through this in LDR but man... to be so close yet so far is truly the worst.

I know i should be happy since we have gone from 5000miles to only an hour flight away and plan to see each other twice a month but i can't help feeling the furthest from him than ever. i'm feeling so depressed at the moment

I just need advice, listening ear,past experienced shared.

[Gingerlyme]

adding on to that,

Breaking up is definitely not in the books. We are very happy together
I just feel like i'm in limbo. especially when i moved 5000miles, it feels like i'm here but still i'm not. its just never enough and the light at the end of the tunnel is not there

[Miasmata]

Deadlines for relationships don't work, in my opinion. If you feel like you can't keep the LDR up, that's not going to change with a deadline. You two have to sit down together and openly and honestly discuss how you want to go about it. If you feel like you two can do it for the next few years, then keep it up, but if you have serious doubts, be honest with each other whether you can continue this relationship. Love alone doesn't keep a relationship going, as sad as it is. Plenty of people can make it work for 4+ years, but plenty can't. Both are valid, but you need to discuss where you and your partner stand. If you two do want to keep going, then make the best of what you have now (shorter travel times are awesome!) and see what you can do.

[whatruckus]

I understand how you feel. My SO also takes it one day at a time and we don't have definitive plans for the future.

[differentcountries]

My SO doesn't like to plan. I usually plan too much too soon. He is teaching me how to live more in the moment, while he learns from me that a certain amount of planning can be useful. Usually, I am in charge of our plans. We discuss everything very lightly in the beginning and then plans start to solidify.

As for breaking up because you can't yet close the distance, I wouldn't consider doing it. What matters to me, is that he is willing to change for me and to take part in my life. He is visiting my country now, and slowly beginning to learn Norwegian. We make plans for one year at a time, that is enough for now. I find I can rest in knowing that some plans are made, although things are very in the open about closing the distance. You never know what will happen!

[Petals]

How long has it been since you moved to Australia?

I ask because if it's been less than 6 months, I suggest you try to settle into the new groove before thinking of a way forward. Now that you are closer, you will see each other more often so that gives you both an opportunity to know each other better and decide what the next step will be. It doesn't matter if he likes to plan or not, if and when he's ready to close the distance, he will insist on that discussion. Right now he may just want to enjoy the new normal and not bother to think about the future.

It doesn't mean that you have to wait on his timeline, but it means that for now, it is best that you compromise by focusing on getting settled into your job, a new culture and give your relationship a better opportunity to run it's natural course. In a year, you can bring up the issue of moving in together/moving to the same state.

At 24, you are still quite young and can afford to focus on your career development while your relationship progress naturally.

For us, we are older so we knew that we didn't want to do long distance beyond 2 years and we were prepared to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I was prepared to give up my independence, because my biological clock is ticking and a family life is priority for us both. Also, he has an established business, so it was known from the beginning that I would have to be the one to move. We had the closing the distance (possibility)discussion within the very first few weeks of communication.

[Gingerlyme]

Miasmata: I know. thanks for that! i''m just super emotional at the moment, he is here for the weekend and i just really hate seeing him go. i guess in my mind, me moving to aussie is sort of like my version of closing the distance but it really isnt.

Whatruckus: its really not fun huh .. im not a fan of taking one day at a time. i like having plans.

[Gingerlyme]

Differentcountries: hahahah! me too. I am very into my planning, i don't like not knowing so i am extremely meticulous about planning. And S/O is likes yours too, loves living in the moment and taking things as it comes to him. It is calming sometime and introduces me to new things but sometimes it drives me up the wall. yea i'm gonna chill out on the planning for the moment

Petals: You are in Aussie too! That's so awesome that you guys have closed the distance. big congratulations! Your answer have really knocked me out of my emotional trance thank you for that
I have only been here less than a month, i am definitely rushing to plan things. It just seems like a dream to be here and to be so close so i guess i just got too excited. but i really appreciate your answer. i am going to try and settle down, live a little like the Aussies and welcome my new life here. you nailed it right on the head, he just wants to enjoy the fact that i am here and be happy about it. I am going this the wrong way and i'm gonna snap out of my emo state

[whatruckus]

Miasmata: I know. thanks for that! i''m just super emotional at the moment, he is here for the weekend and i just really hate seeing him go. i guess in my mind, me moving to aussie is sort of like my version of closing the distance but it really isnt.

Whatruckus: its really not fun huh .. im not a fan of taking one day at a time. i like having plans.

Yup! I'm a planner when it comes to relationships.

[Petals]

Petals: You are in Aussie too! That's so awesome that you guys have closed the distance. big congratulations! Your answer have really knocked me out of my emotional trance thank you for that
I have only been here less than a month, i am definitely rushing to plan things. It just seems like a dream to be here and to be so close so i guess i just got too excited. but i really appreciate your answer. i am going to try and settle down, live a little like the Aussies and welcome my new life here. you nailed it right on the head, he just wants to enjoy the fact that i am here and be happy about it. I am going this the wrong way and i'm gonna snap out of my emo state

Oh my, less than a month like me! I can definitely understand your emotional state, but girl, just get out and soak up your new environment! There's so much to do and see so definitely focus on your new (independent) life for now. Things will become clearer soon and fall into place with time .

[whatruckus]

Oh my, less than a month like me! I can definitely understand your emotional state, but girl, just get out and soak up your new environment! There's so much to do and see so definitely focus on your new (independent) life for now. Things will become clearer soon and fall into place with time .

Yep! I agree with everything Petals has said. Let yourself settle in first because you make any decisions. I think that maybe right now, you're a little overwhelmed.

[merlinkitty]

I've been reading through this and didn't have anything really to add until I just kind of thought right now. Instead of thinking of it as an "end date" think of it as something that you're progressing toward. "End goal" might be better? I know the whole planning for the future and stuff isn't a hot topic, but I think needs to be done on some sort of level. Even if it's like general goals like "do my two years and see where we're at and go from there." Or you could also think of what both of you are doing as kind of setting a foundation for a secure(r) life in the future. It's obvious that you both have some specializations that are being met in your current positions and I think it's awesome you've managed to secure a two year position in his country. That's a step in the right direction! I guess just take it day by day and when your two years are up (or 3-4 years) reassess where things are. I know right now you're establishing your career and that's super important. But a little thought to the future will need to be in the back of both your heads I was in a CD relationship for 9 years and there was never that sense of where it was going, what the purpose of it was. So I think so long as you have some sense of where or what either of you are willing to sacrifice, then you have something to work with

[Gingerlyme]

Oh my, less than a month like me! I can definitely understand your emotional state, but girl, just get out and soak up your new environment! There's so much to do and see so definitely focus on your new (independent) life for now. Things will become clearer soon and fall into place with time .

Yeap definitely taking it easy for now. Spoke to S/O about it and apologize for acting out like a kid and going into panic mode

[Gingerlyme]

I've been reading through this and didn't have anything really to add until I just kind of thought right now. Instead of thinking of it as an "end date" think of it as something that you're progressing toward. "End goal" might be better? I know the whole planning for the future and stuff isn't a hot topic, but I think needs to be done on some sort of level. Even if it's like general goals like "do my two years and see where we're at and go from there." Or you could also think of what both of you are doing as kind of setting a foundation for a secure(r) life in the future. It's obvious that you both have some specializations that are being met in your current positions and I think it's awesome you've managed to secure a two year position in his country. That's a step in the right direction! I guess just take it day by day and when your two years are up (or 3-4 years) reassess where things are. I know right now you're establishing your career and that's super important. But a little thought to the future will need to be in the back of both your heads I was in a CD relationship for 9 years and there was never that sense of where it was going, what the purpose of it was. So I think so long as you have some sense of where or what either of you are willing to sacrifice, then you have something to work with

Yea i think i phrased it wrong. instead of end date, i meant it as "close the distance plan".
I do think like you said we need to have some sort of a plan even if it isn't one that is super solid and clear cut but even a rough idea of whats to come is good to have.
I definitely do want general goals, he does want to live together in the near future so at least we got that. We just need to figure out "the HOW"