Extremely complicated circumstances

[5hrsInLove]

So, my LDR situation is really complicated. I suppose I'll just give the facts and go from there. Forgive me for being long-winded, but there are so many factors. I met my SO five months after she separated from her husband of four years. I can only provide the details as they were given to me, but apparently he has manipulated her and cheated on her throughout their entire relationship. They basically got married way too fast as a result of their unexpected pregnancy. She had been working up the courage to separate from him for a long time. They have a young child together, and since their separation, he made no effort to contact either of them. He moved out of town and gave up essentially.
She and I have only been dating three months now. Our feelings grew extremely fast. The first two months were paradise. We quickly got to the point of being very much in love. She had been dragging her feet on actually filing for divorce because she was just happy to not be dealing with him. She finally decided to get the ball rolling on the formal divorce. She says that part of that is inspired by the fact that she wants to be with me, and if all goes well, eventually close the distance. At first, that was great to hear, but since then, stress has started to compound for her, and for me.
As soon as she contacted her ex to let him know that she was going to officially file the divorce papers, he has suddenly been begging her to work it out. He has scheduled to come back into town to see his daughter in a couple weeks and stay with family for the week. Mind you, he has barely called and spoke to his daughter the entire time they've been separated. Now that she is officially trying to move on, he is making it difficult, even though he didn't seem to care until she finally started the divorce process. From the type of person she has described him to be, it seems like he is going to use their little girl as a manipulation tool, despite that he went seven months without seeing his kid or bothering to call.
I don't know exactly how frequently they correspond with each other. I know that when we first started dating, they had zero contact. Now, I'm not sure exactly how hard he is trying. From what she tells me, she has made it very clear to him that it is 100% over & she says contact is minimal. However, she has also made it clear that he is now not letting go easily. I am trying to remain confident that our love is real, and that he won't manipulate her back into his life. Still, he can use their daughter as an excuse to contact her as much as he wants.
This divorce is starting to cause her a lot of stress, and with all that stress, she has not been as attentive to our relationship as she was in the beginning. When we talk about it, she assures me that she loves me and wants a future for us. That that is part of the reason she is moving the divorce along. I am doing my best to be understanding of her stress. A few pretty serious things have also happened with her family recently that is compounding her stress levels.
The main thing that further complicates this and upsets me is that she is keeping me a secret from her family and friends, with the exception of one friend. They know I exist, but only as a casual friend. Her parents babysit some weekends so she can visit "friends" out of town, but they don't know about our relationship. She says that the only reason she is doing this is because she doesn't want word to get back to him, and him try to use the knowledge of our relationship to play custody games with her child. She is not looking for money in the divorce, no alimony, nothing, she just wants to be out of it as quickly as possible. However, as with any good mother, her child is her number one priority. I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.
To clarify, I have been around her child in the past and we get along great. She has said how much she loves seeing the two of us interact with each other. But now, since her ex is making a plan to come see the girl, she doesn't want me to come to her place because after I'm there, her daughter talks about me a lot. She doesn't want the ex to hear about me from their kid, or anyone else for that matter. She has asked that until his visit with their child is over, we only see each other when she can get a babysitter for the weekend. She says she doesn't plan to see much of him while he is visiting their daughter. The plan is apparently just for him to take their daughter to his parents house and spend the week there. But who knows? I will be five hours away, so I won't know how much they actually interact that week. Ultimately I trust her, but it is scary anticipating that week considering our LDR status.
So, with the stress of the divorce and the issues going on with her family, she seems a little distant. It bothers me. It upsets me that she is keeping me a secret from family and friends. The way I see it, your family and friends love you, they are not going to jeopardize the custody of your child by talking to other people about you & I dating...She says it is not worth the risk to have the info get out and make the divorce more complicated. I just don't see how her family and friends wouldn't be supportive if she just took a few minutes to explain a fraction of how she says she feels about me.
So I am really conflicted. Have I found the woman that I can build something great with? Do I just need to be more understanding about her situation? Is this just a rough time we need to trudge through? Or am I setting myself up to have my heart broken?
She says she loves me, and when we are together, she shows it. We still talk randomly throughout the day most days. But when we are apart all week long, I tend to worry. When I talk to her about that, sometimes it's a great conversation and she reassures me that it is just because of the stress right now. Other times, she seems frustrated that I bring it up. She still blames it on the stress, but she is less understanding if she is having a bad day.
I guess I just need some perspective. An LDR in itself requires more work than many relationships. An LDR with all of these other factors is overwhelming. I am willing to put in the hard work because I really think she and I have something special, but with all of the circumstances involved, I just wonder if I am making the right decision? I wonder if she loves me the way I love her. She says she does, and stress is just interfering. So do I put up with the anxiety that I feel in hopes that it will return a beautiful relationship? Will this make us stronger, or am I wasting my efforts? Do I put blind faith into the thing she says to me? Or do I run away because the situation seems so messy? Is she in love with me, or does she just love being loved by me because she was missing that for so long?
I know this post seems mostly negative. I just want to say that I do love this girl and I want to be with her. My brain tells my heart to calm down and just get through this, but my heart doesn't listen. I am just concerned that the stress of the divorce will taint us and things will crumble.

[R&R]

I've been through a divorce involving children - they were 5 & 6 at the time. I was also involved in an LDR with someone who lived 6 hours from me. I was 29 and he was 26 and in the military. I wanted the divorce. We had been separated once before and tried to work it out. I knew it was over for me and he didn't want it. (We've been divorced almost 15 years and he still hits on me and flirts with me even though he is remarried and I have NO interest.) My SO at the time just stood back, provided support but never pushed. He knew that's what I needed and it was the right decision.

You have to understand that at this point, you are going to go on the back burner. Right now, getting through this divorce intact is what she has to do. The last thing she needs is your insecurity and anxiety. You have to be supportive and be there for her. You have to show her you love her by putting her needs first instead of yours. If you can't handle it, no one is going to fault you. It's a tough situation and especially tough on such a new relationship. You've only been together 3 months. Right now I would just go day by day instead of any focus on future plans.

[Petals]

You have to understand that at this point, you are going to go on the back burner. Right now, getting through this divorce intact is what she has to do. The last thing she needs is your insecurity and anxiety. You have to be supportive and be there for her. You have to show her you love her by putting her needs first instead of yours. If you can't handle it, no one is going to fault you. It's a tough situation and especially tough on such a new relationship. You've only been together 3 months. Right now I would just go day by day instead of any focus on future plans.

^^^^THIS! Any demands you make right now will backfire. Give her space to deal with everything that is happening right now. You have to put your needs on hold if you wish to pursue a relationship with her because right now she just needs some support without any added pressure. You can choose to be a source of support for her or an additional source of stress. Support in this case means listening when she talks about her divorce or ex, but having no input except maybe to ask her questions that help her get to whatever the issues are, but DO NOT have an opinion on what she should do. Do not badmouth her ex or accuse him of anything. Do not accuse her neither - just be neutral and avoid bringing up the divorce/ex unless she has introduced the topic. This is her issue to deal with and I'm sorry to say that you have no say in how she handles it. If if you apply pressure you will have the opposite result.

She has started the divorce process - that's a big step in the right direction. Now give her room to deal with the inherent issues that comes with a divorce. If you cannot deal with your relationship being on hold while the divorce is being dealt with, then maybe you should end the relationship for now and tell her to call you when she has tied up the loose ends.

[Moon]

Some of this may sound harsh, but it is the truth. First, you're in a very new relationship, regardless of what either of your feelings are, this is a very new relationship. There is so much you don't know about each other yet, like how stress is delt with, that you're getting a glimpse of now. You're in a very new relationship with a married woman with a small child, yes she might be separated, but she's still a married woman, and really hasn't been separated that long. She's got a young child which means a lot of years of potential custody and support issues, if you haven't been in a relationship like this before, it's going to be very different than what you're used to, and her ex will likely always be part of your lives in one way or another. This will not be easy, and no matter how hard it may be for you, it's going to be worse for her. Are you OK with this? Can you be a strong enough man to put your own insecurities aside and provide the support a ready-made family will need?

She's being very smart in keeping her mouth shut about you. Anyone can slip up, or make an innocent comment, all unintentional, that will blow everything up on her. Nobody will do it on purpose, but you can't accidentally tell something you don't know, and people are human and make mistakes sometimes. You haven't been together long enough to risk that. Also, keep in mind that you're only hearing one side of the story with everything.

There's no way to really answer your questions, it might work out and it might not, you have to decide if her situation is something you want to / can handle, while realizing that, like every relationship, yeah, you could get your heart broken. That chance is there though every time you decide to get involved with someone. I think her situation is indeed messy, and could go either way, but if you think she's worth it, you try, taking it day by day. You will have to be very patient, trusting and secure, otherwise things will get really bad, really quick. Good luck.

[Honour]

I agree with what everyone else has says, and just wanted to add that whilst I've never been through this sort of thing myself, my SO recently had to watch me be the emotional rock and carer for my ex/close friend who was slowly passing away from cancer. We've been together a little over 3 months as well. It took a lot out of me, made me very stressed and depressed, but my SO realised he had to just support me wherever he could and be there for me whenever he could as well. That was all there was possible at that point.

Whilst I can't fully comprehend, I can safely say your SO's focus will be elsewhere for awhile. Of course she will be distant, of course she will be stressed. She's going through an absolutely traumatic time, especially with a young child involved. She made the right decision not telling her family about you, either: she can't afford to have someone being snide or finding out and gossiping, because from my experiences, that's what families do terribly. Do I think she's ashamed of you? I strongly doubt it going by what you've said here. Does she love you? Again, sounds like she probably does. At the end of the day, take comfort in the fact that whilst she's struggling on her end, she's trying hard to make things work out, and you need to have the strength, the passion and the will power to stand up at the end of the day and say, "I will support you, and love you, with everything I can give you," to put aside your fears and insecurities. There's nothing wrong with admitting you have fears; heck, anyone human with your sort of situation would be having them. But you've got to realise... she needs your strength, your love, your support all the more than ever now. Be there for her when she needs you, but don't take it to heart when she needs to take a step back. Think of it as an obstacle. One that, if you can both hurdle together, will bring you together closer, and make your relationship stronger.

[farandaway]

I'm in a similar situation in a way and I understand your feelings. We've knows much longer (over 3 years) but he is still married and I've been through pressuring him, insisting, not understanding, almost giving up, crying, being hopeful, trusting and not trusting us and everything in between. His (step)child is older, now 16 and he's been separated now 7 months and I'm waiting for him to start the divorce process. But, I don't push him any more. I know that with his parents illness and his financial and own health issues it's not been the right time. Also, although I only know half the story, I can see that he is being very careful about me. Nobody knows about me, not even as a friend, since it would be strange having an online female friend in Finland... I'm dealing fine with this right now, I'm keeping busy and we are in touch regularly, we talk about the future. I know how he feels about us and what he wants. It's really hard to come to the point of understanding the other person when you are not living in their shoes. I thought for a long time that not telling about me is because he is not serious about me but I don't any more. It's because he doesn't trust his drinking brother and his father has dementia. He certainly does not trust his future ex and doesn't want to risk any more problems with her. I can see that he is waiting for things to fall in place on their own and it's going into right direction. He knows the person he is married to and he knows how to best deal with her. I don't. I have never achieved anything by pressuring and pushing him. I can see it's very uncomfortable for him. Instead I'm supporting him to do it his way. I'm still trying to rid myself off my ex because we share property together. At this point I just trust us. It's been so hard for so long but I know we are best friends and we talk every day and we support each other through this. I get very frustrated at times but there are things involved that I can't speed and I think the same goes in your situation.

[Hollandia]

I had to finalize a long divorce before I could marry my SO.

He and I talked about this. It was my "mess" and I needed to handle it, not him in any way. You need to accept that and stay out of it, for a long time to come. You get no say. If you cannot swallow this and be okay. Move on. My SO swallowed it and waited patiently for some time while I worked through all of my "mess". It took years for much of it.

BTW, the ex is always an asshole to some extent. There are 2 sides to every story. I was the ass to his friends, and he was the ass to mine. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth of each story for "ex's" . Stay out of it. It is just not your place to do so.