Personal mental wellness issues vs. LDR?

[lovingthealien]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking some advice on how to balance an LDR with any personal issues regarding your own mental wellness. I have always been somewhat mentally unstable, but since I started university it's gotten really bad. I'm constantly stressed and overwhelmed with work, I've made no friends here, I hardly enjoy anything, I find myself crying almost every day without knowing exactly why, etc. The worst part is, it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. He's been really supportive and constantly reminds me that he loves me and yet, one minute I find myself thinking that everything's perfect and the next minute I've suddenly gone paranoid and am absolutely sure that he has lost all interest in me. I'm so moody, I can't even trust my own thoughts anymore.

Our phone conversations begin 9 times out of 10 with me being all sad and pessimistic, and then we talk for a while, he makes me laugh, and an hour later I leave with my spirits lifted and a smile on my face. It's like this every single day, and I keep thinking about how this must be so tiring for him, and how if I were him, I'd hate me. Being in an LDR is hard enough, but I make it worse by being so shitty all the time.

If we keep going on like this, he'll eventually start to lose interest in me. I will be going back home to spend two whole months with him this summer, and I think I'll be back to my normal happy self once school ends and I'm able to be with him in person. In the meantime, however - what am I supposed to do? I almost want to stop talking to him for a while and focus on my own issues... But considering how worried I get when we're talking daily, I'd probably be freaking out if we talked even less...

[Honour]

A wise consultant once told me that the biggest part of my problems was by saying, "I can't," and the entire negative mental outlook it gave me. It caused me terrible pain, anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression (self-harming on the most serious of occasions, but I'm happy to admit that stopped a little while back) and all sorts of other things. 90% of the time, something was wrong. When I had a mind-boggling revelation, it stopped 95% of what was bothering me. I found I COULD and CAN do things again, and this was what saved me a lot of pain and heartache.

So, as daft as it may sound, steel yourself. "I CAN do this!" instead of "I can't do this..." During my times of depression, my SO saw me go through the shittiest mood swings. Sometimes, I'd even get downright aggressive. But it wasn't the real ME talking. It was the depression, the pent-up frustration, the worry. I wondered why he wanted to be around me when even I couldn't stand being around me!

The truth in the matter is, your SO is seeing beyond what's affecting you and is reaching out to you. He doesn't see the depression as you, he sees the depression is CONTROLLING you right now, and what your reactions and words come out as are not quite what you'd usually say. So... it time to take back yourself bit by bit. "If we keep going on like this, he'll eventually start to lose interest in me." These words right here... you can't say that that is really the case, so stop overworrying yourself where there's no need, because this is depression talking, not the real you

Here's something that you might not have considered. Have you got yourself set goals? Short, medium and long term? You've already mentioned one: "I will be going back home to spend two whole months with him this summer." That's a short term goal, because the summer isn't that far away. Can you set yourself other goals? "I'm going to go out and spend time among people, and see what happens." "I'm going to go to events, with people who have similar interests to me."

All these little things... they matter more than we all realise, and it took me the better part of 6 years to understand finally.

[Miasmata]

Honour said some really good stuff. I can only sign that!

All I wanna add is that since you're in university, it's very likely that there is some form of personal counseling/therapy avaible to you. Mental wellbeing relies on a support network - As in, a network of people, techniques and things that make/keep you mentally stable and productive. Like a safety net, the bigger it is, the easier it can catch and support you. So, there's no reason not to reach out and find out what options are avaible to you. Hobbies, sports, fresh air and positive thinking are all helpful too. You deserve to feel better, and you deserve to seek out the options you need for that. Don't be afraid to try therapy, new hobbies, the works! Best of luck

[Honour]

I know that at my uni, as well, they hold workshops that help with various different things. Does yours have something similar, OP?

[merlinkitty]

I can just add onto what Honour said. I've dealt with depression most of my life. It's something I'm always aware of and I've learned to develop coping mechanisms so I don't become a pain in the arse to deal with.

The first thing I'd like to ask is are you seeking treatment? I was on antidepressants most of my teens and early twenties and I have to say, without them, I'm not sure where I'd be. It helped stop the negative voice in my head which allowed me to start making some progress in making myself well again. I'm much like Honour. I hate the phrase "I can't." I've become very glass half full and having a positive attitude toward my life has helped me overcome some of the bigger issues I've come across. Changing that perspective helps you see the "how" to get through a difficult situation.

Now telling this from the other side, my SO has been dealing quite a bit with depression over the last year or so. Watching that from a distance, not being able to be there, to hold him, just watching him spiral and not knowing what to do made me feel so helpless. What kept me in the game was knowing he was actively trying to help himself. He tried several different kinds of meds and finally found one that actually works. And things have been so much better. You know it's okay to be down in the dumps so long as you are doing everything you can to help yourself. It made me feel so much better when he would go get help.

If you're worried about whether your SO will be there for you, use this as a motivation to do the things you need to do to make yourself well again. There's this saying I hear tossed around. It goes something like "I'll take care of you if you take care of me." I think that's a load of horse stuff. Lol

What makes more sense to me is "I'll take of me for you if you take take of you for me." And that's all we can ask of each other. I'll be there with you in hard times so long as you do the things that are necessary to get us back in good times