Feeling lost

[Polly]

My SO and I schedule a Skype call once a week. I usually have to remind him and our texting is sporadic.

I have accepted it, due to his busy work schedule, but it makes me feel disconnected in our relationship. I keep busy, have activities, etc, but I'm just the type of person who needs a good level of communication to feel close to someone.

Right now I'm going through a period where I feel so lost in our relationship. He's still sweet to me in many ways, but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and am unsure of everything.

Does anyone have days where their SO seems too busy or distracted to keep up communication? And how do you deal with that feeling of being lost and anxious about it? I feel lost and unsatisfied...

It's gotten to the point where I just miss any human contact. I miss hugs and kisses and feel totally deprived of what it's like to be touched and cared about. A relationship without that type of contact feels so unsatisfying, and makes me feel like I'm withering inside from the lack of touch. Like a plant drying up from a drought.

My friends all lead busy lives, so I might see one of them a couple times a month. My sister is super busy at university, and even though I keep somewhat busy, you can't fill 24 hrs a day with being busy

[Honour]

The difficulty with being in LDRs IS the lack of physical contact, and if there's not enough communication, it can bring detachments and make things uncomfortable for certain people. I am the same as you in the fact that I like plenty of communication (though I am also the one who sometimes needs to walk away from Skype calls and such), though in my and my SO's relationship, I'm the even-busier one. He has highschool, I have university, juggling various other commitments which are likely to increase sooner than I'd like. What sort of work does your SO do? Have you both met yet? Is there anyway you can increase the number of Skype calls you both have from to one to two? How often do you video call one another? I would definitely talk to him as well about how you feel. I'm sure he'll appreciate your honesty, even if he may not show it.

[R&R]

I can understand what you mean about communication. My SO owns his own business and is literally out the door by 6am and sometimes doesn't get home until after 1am, depending on how far away the job is. I couldn't tell you the last time we Skyped. He hasn't called in 2 days but he has sent a couple of text messages. I went to visit a couple of weeks ago and I was lucky if he was around 2 hours of awake time each day to spend with me.

The lack of physical contact is all part of a LDR. If someone is the type of person who must have a lot of physical contact in order to maintain their relationship, a LDR might not be the best fit for them.

For my relationship and lack of communication, it pretty much it comes down to it is what it is. Yes, keeping busy helps but you are going to have times where there just isn't a lot to do or you don't have the motivation to go do something. Your attitude is going to go a long way in determining how it goes. We all have our bad days where it just sucks and that's going to happen. If you are finding yourself more unhappy than happy and that you aren't getting what you need then you need to discuss with your SO what and why it's bothering you and see if you can find a solution.

[whatruckus]

There's been plenty of times where I haven't been able to talk to my SO for days at a time, and at one point about a week, because of his work schedule. Even if we were CD, I doubt it'd be any different. I might physically be there, or be closer, but it still doesn't mean I'd get to actually talk to him or spend time with him because he usually wakes up, goes to work, comes home, eats, and goes to bed. Lately, it's been me that goes to bed before him, so we'll maybe talk for an hour to 1hr 1/2 after he gets home before I go to bed. Even that is minuscule, because he's watching TV or playing video games.

Also, even when I've stayed at his house for like a week or two, like I said, it was barely any time because he spent a good majority of it sleeping and working. So, if your SO is as busy as mine is, even being physically closer (or in the same room), still might not be enough.

[merlinkitty]

We've gone through periods like this. Sometimes me whining when it gets bad enough prompts him a bit. He's whined to me as well when I don't initiate contact enough for his liking. Sometimes you have to accept it due to busy schedules, but there still might be room for improvement. Right now I have to accept the reduced communication a bit due to busy schedules but it's nice when he says he misses me. I know we do the best we can and that in itself gives me comfort.

[Polly]

I haven't heard much from him since yesterday. I know his parents are visiting, so he may be busy and unavailable, although I don't see why a quick text isn't possible. He may not be checking his messages. However, when I have visited him, he is always checking his messages, texting while we're out or during meals, so I guess he is more considerate with his parents and not doing that around them?

It does hurt a little to know he will text and respond to other people's messages when we're together, but when he's busy with other people he can't reach out to me. It makes me feel like there's a double standard, like he can get away with texting in my presence but won't do it with his friends or coworker's. Like, we'll be out together, and he'll be texting a friend, but when I text him when he's with someone, he'll be "can't text right now, having dinner with a friend". And yet he feels it is okay to text someone while the two of us are doing things like eating out for dinner?

[Unconditional]

Do I ever have days where it seems like my SO cannot keep up or hold a conversation?

YES. A good majority of the time. My SO was/is so busy that I am grateful for what communication he is able to give me because it is hard but I know he tries, bless him he does try. The first time we were together (in the beginning of which) we'd have sporadic communication. All due to his training or him running over his phone, I remember one time it was because he got into and accident at work and he was in the hospital! Talk about worry! However, those feelings-the anxiety, the sadness, and the despair. They were nothing compared to the damn near mental breakdown I had during his deployment. No communication whatsoever, nothing. For three months I basically went through hell, he was all I thought about and worried for. During the end it got a little better. I'd reread our old messages and tell myself "He loves me, of course he does." That was enough to put myself at ease. It was nice. Aside from that I took up a new hobby, worked my tail off and hung out with friends to keep me busy. I also wrote in my journal, multiple pages every day this made my mind clear and at peace.

These days, the sporadic communication doesn't bother me as much as it did before the deployment. I know how much he cares for me, and I'm sure that even though I don't hear from him everyday, that I do cross his mind a lot just as he crosses mine. Any who, I'm rambling and I'm sure that's not what you want to hear lol

What I'm trying to say is, you are not alone.

[R&R]

I haven't heard much from him since yesterday. I know his parents are visiting, so he may be busy and unavailable, although I don't see why a quick text isn't possible. He may not be checking his messages. However, when I have visited him, he is always checking his messages, texting while we're out or during meals, so I guess he is more considerate with his parents and not doing that around them?

It does hurt a little to know he will text and respond to other people's messages when we're together, but when he's busy with other people he can't reach out to me. It makes me feel like there's a double standard, like he can get away with texting in my presence but won't do it with his friends or coworker's. Like, we'll be out together, and he'll be texting a friend, but when I text him when he's with someone, he'll be "can't text right now, having dinner with a friend". And yet he feels it is okay to text someone while the two of us are doing things like eating out for dinner?

You need to tell him how this makes you feel. "It makes me feel less important when you will text others when we are together but you won't do the same for me and respond to my texts when you are with others. I would feel better if you had consistency with this. If you won't respond to my texts when you're with others, I expect that you will not respond to others when we are out doing something."

I honestly think sometimes they don't realize that they do it. Either CD or LD, sometimes the partner gets treated differently because they are comfortable enough with you and they don't see it as doing anything wrong. It just needs to be pointed out.

[Unconditional]

Agreed with R&R definitely let him know as soon as you can. Texting others would make me feel unimportant and sad as well.

[Polly]

I just don't feel like I get enough attention. Like there will be days where things are fine, but then days where I don't hear from him much. And I do find he is more considerate to others, like with the texting, but maybe it's because he's gotten comfortable in our relationship.

What makes it hard is that I'll bring up the lack of communication, and he becomes more attentive for a few days, and then it slides back to the old way. I don't want to have to always bring up the same problem like a broken record. That will just make him resentful. Maybe that's just how he is, and if he can't change then I just have to accept it.

Right now I am really unhappy even though I will be visiting him for 5 days after 3 months of not seeing each other. Usually we're fine together, but he's not great at the long distance part.

[TheSteelAngel]

This whole scenario reminds me of my situation. I have very limited contact with my SO now too because of his work schedule. So I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this and that I too will follow the advice written here. Here's to better luck with both of us

[differentcountries]

Maybe he is texting when he is with you because he thinks you will be ok with it, if you are not, let him know that right away! If you are hurt, don't hint, tell him straight. SO had a period where he behaved like he should not let me know, especially when he was with family, he was not available and didn't give me any heads up. I later discovered that some of his personality traits can make it difficult for him to make sound boundries, and I have to be his better example of this. He also had to learn the hard way that if he doesn't plan, I might not be available when he wants to contact me. For instance I would go to late yoga classes and tell him, "I will not be available until ten my time".

We have tried out busy in both places. My work scedule is usually good, but I sometimes work nights and weekends, this week I was very tired after work every day because we had major computer problems at work, and right before he leaves I will work practically all day due to evening work meetings. His scedule depends on season, at the busiest he works all day at least once a week. That means that in high season, often we can Skype just half of the week because he will be tired the next day(s) too. If I am there, I can be physically close but I will not get much attention and that is hard since everyone of his customers will get attention but me. But I know he is grateful for my patience and in low season he makes up for it.

We found out that it is better for us to just text when we are tired, or call instead of Skype. LD is really not the same as being physically present, we usually love hanging out together when tired when I am there (he will even take a nap in my lap after work) but for Skype we need to be alert and keep things somewhat positive. We also often have short Skype calls, and will make deals about this forhand "we will Skype today but only for 15 minutes". SO doesn't like to make promises but he likes to make deals, which is basically the same thing but I think for him it underlines that we are always two in this.

[Polly]

This whole scenario reminds me of my situation. I have very limited contact with my SO now too because of his work schedule. So I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this and that I too will follow the advice written here. Here's to better luck with both of us

It does help to know others are going through the same thing. I've barely heard from him today. Sent a text in the afternoon and it took him 4 hours to reply. I'm at the point now where I'm tired of always initiating contact, so now I'll just let it be and if he feels like texting me, then he can do it, but our communication has been totally one sided lately.

I have most of my weekend planned out, visiting my favorite museum, yoga, and finishing reading a really good book.

If I hear from him, good, but I am not betting on it. Probably the most I'll get is a text at the end of the day. And the worst thing is, this is even when it's the weekend and he's not working.

I hope things get better for you too! I knew LD would be hard, but it's a million times harder than what I imagined.

[Polly]

Maybe he is texting when he is with you because he thinks you will be ok with it, if you are not, let him know that right away! If you are hurt, don't hint, tell him straight. SO had a period where he behaved like he should not let me know, especially when he was with family, he was not available and didn't give me any heads up. I later discovered that some of his personality traits can make it difficult for him to make sound boundries, and I have to be his better example of this. He also had to learn the hard way that if he doesn't plan, I might not be available when he wants to contact me. For instance I would go to late yoga classes and tell him, "I will not be available until ten my time".

We have tried out busy in both places. My work scedule is usually good, but I sometimes work nights and weekends, this week I was very tired after work every day because we had major computer problems at work, and right before he leaves I will work practically all day due to evening work meetings. His scedule depends on season, at the busiest he works all day at least once a week. That means that in high season, often we can Skype just half of the week because he will be tired the next day(s) too. If I am there, I can be physically close but I will not get much attention and that is hard since everyone of his customers will get attention but me. But I know he is grateful for my patience and in low season he makes up for it.

We found out that it is better for us to just text when we are tired, or call instead of Skype. LD is really not the same as being physically present, we usually love hanging out together when tired when I am there (he will even take a nap in my lap after work) but for Skype we need to be alert and keep things somewhat positive. We also often have short Skype calls, and will make deals about this forhand "we will Skype today but only for 15 minutes". SO doesn't like to make promises but he likes to make deals, which is basically the same thing but I think for him it underlines that we are always two in this.

I can understand the need to plan. My SO has a busy work schedule, and he is also on call sometimes, so it makes it difficult to plan calls. Even texting can be tricky as there have been times He's been too busy to even text. He doesn't like emailing, so we text when we can and call once a week, sometimes 2.