I need advice on... EVERYTHING

[Punshi]

Hello.

Because I want to remain a little bit anonymous I will not introduce myself// I neverrrr ever use online forums
for this type of things... but I feel I will go insane if I don't get some advice, because I don't want the same old story to happen.

I have been in several long distance relationships, unexpected relationships that came to me without me looking
for them. All have had unhappy endings.. and please keep in mind that I never met any of these people in person.
First time I had a relationship with a man in the army, he was a sweetheart at the beginning, he said he wanted to be with me forever, I in exchange was always there for him, worrying and always wishing him the best. There were some times when I wouldn't hear from here and immediately questioned him angrily.
We kept the relationship going for about a month until he finally returned to the US and of course he disposed me like a trash bag.
Second was also with a man far from here, he was also a sweetheart at the beginning, eventually he changed into complete garbage, he made me cry on purpose, flirted with many girls while he was with me. I ended the relationship a little bit over a month later.

And recently again, I met a man who claimed that I was the girl of his dreams after just few days of having talked to me.
At this point I obviously didn't want to get myself involved romantically with someone I have never met in person, having learned from my previous experiences.. I was always hesitant to believe what this new man said.
I continued being friendly, taking his sweet words as compliments but still not believing 100% of everything he said, eventually he said he wanted to be my boyfriend... I told him that I've had bad experiences and that it was hard for me to trust again because I didn't want to get hurt again...He kept insisting saying he could wait for me and that he would never do anything to hurt me...
he even said he could wait for us to get to know each other better.
He kept insisting and I finally gave in, promising myself that if this relationship fails... I will never ever get involved in another one ...
It has been almost a week, and so far he has been such a sweet guy... he sends romantic messages, he sends me pictures of him, where he works and has even shown me pictures of his family.
Unfortunately is too late for me because I already started liking him, he is always in my mind... but I am so so scared... so scared since day one... so scared he will change, so scared he will take me for granted! So scared he will get bored of me! Scared he will dissapear and leave me, scared of everything! I don't want to get hurt so sometimes I don't reply as sweetly as I want, I don't want to express my feelings openly because I'm scared, I don't know what to do, what to say, how to keep the relationship interesting, I don't know when we will meet, I am clueless! I don't even know if I should tell him I'm scared...
Please help me! I don't want to get hurt again! But I want to be a good confident girl for him. Make him look forward to my texts, to want ME!
How to keep a healthy long distance relationship?

Is also important to mention that we do not speak the same language, he struggles a lot with English but he tries..

[p_b82]

Hi there and welcome....

First things first from some-one who has had a few relationships and got burnt each time, fear is perfectly allowed, but do not let it rule you. If you are scared of getting hurt so much you stay distant that will be the end of your having a relationship, you have to be willing to risk everything 'in case' they are the one, if you don't you can't expect them to do it back.

However in this case I say slow right down with yourself and this guy. It has been a week only and you are about to start going out? How have you got to know him? are you sure he is who he says he is?

I am sorry but a girl of his dreams in a few days sounds fishy to me, but then I take longer to identify if a girl is my type, especially online, as you you just never know.

My advice to you, is to treat this as a friendship, do not let him pressure you into saying or feeling more about things until you have got a handle on your fear - if he said he would wait, he will do... But my gut says that is not what he is after, or would do. If I am wrong, and you are both still talking in 6months about serious and personal things and you have got more of an idea of who he is, then maybe take that next step..... until then, weigh the anchor and slow down

[TheSteelAngel]

Hi, you know reading this it reminded me of my own relationship. I too was hurt repeatedly in the past. Not as bad as you, but still pretty bad. I don't trust a lot of people either and then I met my boyfriend. He too just sorta came into my life without me even looking for him. He fell for me pretty quickly like your guy did, and I told him that I'm not sure I wanted this yet because of my past and he understood. He waited for me for a month until I finally realized that I loved him too. This was 4 months ago and we're still going fairly strong.

Since this has only been a week for you however, you might want to take this slow and calm yourself down. Just enjoy the ride and getting to know each other more and just relax Don't be afraid to tell him your insecurities and let him know so you could work around them too.

[xjustxinxtimex]

Yeah, just to be honest I have had the same kind of things happen to me in the past they lasted a little bit longer...but the thing was is they were actually CD gf's. Some reason people very much like to at some point treat me like trash and then leave me suddenly without much reason why. So I can at least relate to where you are coming from.

However, I have only recently started my first LDR. We are almost 2 months in and I feel like Ive learned a lot already especially thanks to the advice of everyone here. My first time posting here I was given the same advice as TheSteelAngel and myself will give you and that is yes, to slow down. In an LDR there is definitely 1 thing there is an abundance of and that is time. Use that time to get to know each and spend as much time as you can together in whatever ways you can.

For me personally, once I accepted that advice and started using, my relationship with my SO grew 10 fold. Since, I have just treated some time as a 'get to know you phase' we have actually become extremely close and trusting of each other and we both had trust issues and this all happened very naturally and it feels very nice to have come this far with her and we continue learning more and more about each other.

So yeah, I agree completely with TheSteelAngel and you should just slow down and get to know each other and let things just happen in their own time. I think it is much better that way. I wish you both much luck and happiness!

[merlinkitty]

Hey and welcome to the forum! One of the things I like about this place is the blunt advice you get here. I got some of my own recently and I appreciated the heck out of it so I hope you'll take my bluntness to heart and not think it sounds like something cold-hearted and mean. It's not meant that way

The thing that stuck out to me about your previous LDR experiences, and this one as well, is how short they are! Like the others said, slooooooooooooow down. You're moving way too fast. Another thing that stuck out to me are your insecurities. They're your own worst enemy. What you seem to be seeking is some sort of approval based on the opinions of others. And the ones you're seeking it from have no clue who you are. They have no basis for the opinions. This one especially. It's been a week. That is seriously nothing.

You've got this sense of fate and fatalism that is so unhealthy. Your use of the word "unfortunately" when talking about the fact you already have started liking him is what makes me think this. It makes it sound like you have no control over yourself. Get some control! Of course you "like" him! He's saying some really sweet things right now! But there's no substance to this yet. Try and remember this. Feel free to like him right now. He's done nothing right now to make you dislike him yet, but proceed with caution. Use control over yourself to pull your emotions back.

I personally am really skeptical when someone who's known me less than a week starts saying I'm perfect, etc. I most certainly am not. I have some major flaws. I'm too trusting, too caring, too ready to seek the approval of others. I'm also, deep underneath all these seemingly positive attributes, a freaking psycho when pushed. I have a violent streak. I enjoy being in a mosh pit (I'm a 5'5", 145lb female in the domain of 6'2" 250lb men). I like being beat up and hit. One of the scariest things I learned coming out of a particularly bad relationship was I enjoy abuse. This flaw unacknowledged by me let me instigate some really frightening episodes in my life. Being aware of my own nature allows me to identify my own needs and triggers.

Be aware of your own flaws. Not so you can beat yourself up over them, but so you can learn to control your responses to your triggers. One of those seems to be gratuitous praise from men. Why is this something you need and what is a healthy way to achieve that? By your own track record you don't seem to be able to control your own responses. You seem to want to fall immediately into something. You seem to want to take it from zero to 120mph in about 30 seconds.

Just the brief glimpse you gave us of your previous LDRs it seems you might have some clingy issues as well. This does not bode well for a healthy relationship. I know because I myself have been clingy and it smothers the other person. They feel attacked, attached without consent, and it makes people panic. This is a red flag for someone who wants a healthy relationship with someone else. My guess is that's why the army guy bailed on you. It scares the crap out of people when someone they barely know is demanding to know their whereabouts. A month of constant talking still equates to barely knowing someone. This kind of stuff stems from insecurity usually. Learn to love and appreciate your own company before you force it on another human being.

My guess is the reason you've come to us is because this guy you're talking to now has some insecurity issues as well, is being really clingy with you, and you know from past experiences how this goes down. You are rightly nervous about someone professing undying love barely a week out of the gate.

What I would suggest to you is that you do tell him you're scared. You tell him you're afraid this is moving too fast, because it is. That if he wants to be with you, he needs to slow down too. I want you to value yourself and not throw yourself at the first guy that says you're the one. If he can't slow down, and if you can't either for that matter, I can't see this turning out any other way than a massive train wreck. Remember what I was telling you about all my flaws? These things will start to surface. The faster you push this, the faster they will rear their ugly heads. The slower you go, the more effort you put into developing a healthy, well-founded relationship, the better off you're going to be in the long run.

My frank opinion is that this might not be the guy you need right now. I honestly think you need to spend a little personal time getting comfortable in your own skin. When you're with someone, parts of your identities begin to meld together. The longer you're together, the harder it is to figure out which are your issues and which are theirs. I would love to tell you to bail on this, get some control over yourself, but I'm not sure if that's something you're going to be willing to do at this point of the game. If you choose to stay in this, start making mental notes the things you like in a partner and the things you don't. Try to evaluate your own behavior and how it is affecting your relationship.

And this to me is the most important thing for you. Learn in your soul that you have control over you. Learn that you are a valuable human being. Find the things in yourself you like and cultivate them. Understand the things you don't and work to improve these. There is nothing fatalistic about love. That's really only in the movies. It's fiction. The movies and books show us our idealized versions of a story where we let go and everything we want to happen actually does. Life, as you know, does not work this way.

I hope this wasn't too harsh for you. But I really think both of you need to slow way down on this. I think you could use some Punshi time. And please! Love yourself!!