Shut out

[rainbowedm]

The last month or so I've been feeling like R is distancing himself and it's been an all consuming thought. I've been trying to stay positive about things, putting our crazy schedules as the source of this insecurity. But I feel like I don't even know what goes on in his life any more. And I don't know what to do or say without sounding like a needy girlfriend. But I can't remember the last time he said anything sweet to me, or a time where I didn't feel like it was inconvenient to talk. He'll be here for the first time in over 2 months and I know something should be said. Advice?

[Redheart14]

Does he study? Is it close to exams? Does he have a lot going on?

[Jaac]

Hmm... My SO has done the same sort of thing.
But he made a move to another country, away from his family and the job that he was going to have suddenly told him they don't need him anymore
Now he needs space to figure everything out and get his life sorted.

Have you tried asking him without sounding like a needy girlfriend?
Like, what's going on and if he's got a lot on his mind? So that you understand why he's being a bit distant and whether it's about you or just about something in his life.

[rainbowedm]

He does have school and midterms just happened for him...but this has been going on for weeks. I feel like he's shut me out.

[rainbowedm]

I haven't really tried discussing the matter with him because most of the times we do talk are short or far in between

[differentcountries]

Talk to him. SO was once like that, and it made our relationship much better because I brought it to his attention. Just hold on to your experience and your wishes for the relationship, and hopefully you will find a way.

[Miasmata]

I haven't really tried discussing the matter with him because most of the times we do talk are short or far in between

But that fact is not going to change if you don't bring it up, that's the crux of the matter. Don't let yourself be shut away without explanation. It's cool if he's busy with school, but he needs to let you know what's happening and what his needs are.

[R&R]

You definitely need to talk to him. Uncertainty is hard and sometimes our minds can make up 1,000 scenarios and not one of them is even close to what is going on.

Personally, I've had a time when my SO was just so overly busy and I flat out asked him if our relationship was what he wanted or if it was too much for him with all he had going on work related. I knew it wasn't too much for him but as I know him so well, I knew it was what it would take to get his attention. That put things into perspective for him pretty quickly. But if you do ask something like that, be ready for the answer.

[whatruckus]

That's pretty soon for him to start backing off, seeing as you guys just started dating at the end of this past October. I agree with everyone else and you should talk to him. When my SO starts to get like that, I tend to have to remind him that we're LDR even though see each other often. Sometimes it doesn't click that communication when we're not physically together is all we have, and all we have to count on. Without the communication, how is it a relationship? That, and I have to remind him that I get worried about him sometimes, and I want to feel included.

[merlinkitty]

I don't have much to add that the other's haven't. For me, my ex-SO would go through things like this, where he would pull back and distance himself. You should never at first assume it's you. It's something I have to remind myself, not so much now because I know it in my heart now as opposed to just my head, that the world does not revolve around me. There could be things going on in his life that are taking his mind elsewhere, but I do think, especially with an LDR, having that line of communication open (and being receptive to criticism when it's offered) is an essential part of a healthy relationship. You two are still early on, but I think that's why it's so important that you should be as open and honest with each other as you know how. It will help establish the trust that's needed to be open with each other.

One mistake I made early on when he'd do this is assume it was me so when I would ask him about it, it took a while to get communication past that point where we were no longer talking about what issues he may, or may not, have with me, and to the actual root of the issue. Try to give him as much an open approach to respond to you. What I mean is instead of saying things like "you've been really distant with me," ask him why he's being so distant without the implication that you think it might be you. But do. Talk to him and see what's going on

[rainbowedm]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice! I plan on talking about it with him later tonight. Sometimes I think I just need to hear the obvious answer! Thank you all once again!

[Irishvixen96]

My s/o is the same way we both have busy schedules. At times I feel exactly like you do and like if I bring it up it will ruin the moment or stress him out on top of college. He. Isn't very open about how he feels. I try to focus on other stuff but it dosnt work. But what does help is to remember sweet things he has said to me. And times we have been together or if ur not able to be times u have Skyped or. Talked on the phone. I've been with him for 10 months and. We just went through a long period of not really talking and feeling as tho he was pushing me away. It gets better.

[merlinkitty]

My s/o is the same way we both have busy schedules. At times I feel exactly like you do and like if I bring it up it will ruin the moment or stress him out on top of college. He. Isn't very open about how he feels. I try to focus on other stuff but it dosnt work. But what does help is to remember sweet things he has said to me. And times we have been together or if ur not able to be times u have Skyped or. Talked on the phone. I've been with him for 10 months and. We just went through a long period of not really talking and feeling as tho he was pushing me away. It gets better.

The only thing I would caution you about using this tactic is that it smothers the real issue (his being distant with no explanation) and you're relying on (in some cases) months old information that may have changed in the interim. I'm currently coping with the failure of such a tactic with my own ex-SO.

What Miasmata said about not using his busy schedule as an excuse not to discuss problems is spot on. What happened in my case was I used his busy school schedule and a desire to have happy, stress free conversations with him as an excuse not to deal with an issue that began to boil in both of us. It was out of respect to him that I did not ask, or expect, him to deal with me. As a result I have many sweet things followed up by one of the ugliest comments that has ever been said to me.

What about respect to you? This is just as important as respect to him. It doesn't always get better and couples who can't speak up and tell each other when something is bothering them are going to find at some point down the line in the middle of a giant misunderstanding that may ruin the relationship as it did in my case.

Stand up for yourself. You have valid needs too. If there is a question you have you deserve an honest answer. End of story.