Should I be worried?

[S41r4]

My gf had some very bad news on Monday, she’s a med student and she didn’t match in to a residency program. This has shifted her plans back two years as she’s now going to have to do two years of research.

Of course I feel so badly for her and I even suggested flying over to see her to help however I can through this stressful period. She said no over and over again.

Some background – she’s not too affectionate or expressive usually anyway but with this happening she’s really closed up. I think it’s fair to say this is the first time something hasn’t gone her way or to plan and she’s taken it badly.

She basically said last night she doesn’t care about anything right now and she doesn’t know exactly how long its going to take to feel like herself again (which I get) and she even told me she wouldn’t think of me badly if I decided to back away until she felt better.
I explained how I’m not that sort of person, and I sincerely believe if I can’t support her through her bad periods then I don’t deserve the good times either.

So I think I need to back off slightly, I’m someone who is rather sensitive and can take things too personally (only when it comes to her unfortunately) for instance we were talking on viber yesterday and if any of you use it, you know that if you get a “real” call it puts the viber on hold. She took the call and text me saying “Sorry X called and haven’t been able to speak to her in forever. Call u back?” – x is her best friend and even though I’m not mad I just feel like cmon babe I’m 4/5 hours ahead of you, why not finish up with me so I can sleep then take all the time you need.

Any suggestions for how to proceed? I’ve always been fearful that if I don’t put in 100% effort then the relationship will crumble. I feel I need to be a little laid back. Last night when we talked about taking a break we said of course we would still talk, of course all relationship rules are in place and this isn’t an us problem, I have a huge doc appt on wed and she couldn’t say enough exactly how much she wants to be there for me throughout it.

We went from talking about suggesting a break to just saying it’s a tough situation and we need to be a little more supportive and understanding. Neither one of us care about any one else or anything like that.

Wow am I crazy selfish for even thinking about myself in all this? Her life just got turned upside down. Feeling like an a$$ all of a sudden.

I guess now I’m asking if I am the way I am, any tips on not being super sensitive or always checking my phone. I do work, I go to the gym, I have a pretty decent social life, I’m a primary carer for my little brother and I volunteer. I mean I’m not someone who is sitting by my phone waiting all day but it seems no matter what I’m doing, I will always make time for her.

[p_b82]

I have gone through something similar to what you're describing, and my advice would be to take a step back and give her a little bit of space.

ping her to show her you are there and thinking about her, but let her find herself again. I couldn't do that and it was a factor that ended my relationship - although the damage had been done elsewhere, the not being able to take the step back caused the end to be more final.

You are not selfish to think about yourself, but relationships work two ways, and you have to be able to get what you need out of it as well as well as providing support when you want to. I was in a very one-directional relationship emotionally and supportively and they can wear you down, unless you are genuinely happy with that setup. If you feel you can't have an off day, then it puts you under huge pressure, and I am not sure, with what you have said, you are going to be able sustain that.

Good luck though, I am sure by what you have said the two of you will work out something that works for you both.

[snow]

Sometimes things don't seem to be as obvious to others as they are to you, like the call situation. For you it is obvious that you are ahead and she should finish the call with you before she talks to another person, to her it was more obvious to spend a little time with X because she hasn't talked to them in a long time and you would be around, like you always are. Nothing to get too upset over, just something to explain!

I don't think suggesting or even taking a break is necessary here. She is going through a rough time and she might withdraw a little, but that doesn't put your relationship in jeopardy. In fact, even though she pulls back, she might need you and need you to be around if she wants to talk or needs someone to cheer her up. These are things that are going to happen eventually in the future because bad news loom around every corner and even though they might be painful to you, you never want to suffer alone, having someone who you know is there for you can work wonders.

You might have to pull back a little and give her time to get through it, but don't back away too far, you still want to be there for her.

When I got pretty bad medical news, I distanced myself a little from my man, because it was painful and I needed time to get the idea settled in my brain, but it helped immensly to know he was there if I needed to vent.

[S41r4]

Sometimes things don't seem to be as obvious to others as they are to you, like the call situation. For you it is obvious that you are ahead and she should finish the call with you before she talks to another person, to her it was more obvious to spend a little time with X because she hasn't talked to them in a long time and you would be around, like you always are. Nothing to get too upset over, just something to explain!

I don't think suggesting or even taking a break is necessary here. She is going through a rough time and she might withdraw a little, but that doesn't put your relationship in jeopardy. In fact, even though she pulls back, she might need you and need you to be around if she wants to talk or needs someone to cheer her up. These are things that are going to happen eventually in the future because bad news loom around every corner and even though they might be painful to you, you never want to suffer alone, having someone who you know is there for you can work wonders.

You might have to pull back a little and give her time to get through it, but don't back away too far, you still want to be there for her.

When I got pretty bad medical news, I distanced myself a little from my man, because it was painful and I needed time to get the idea settled in my brain, but it helped immensly to know he was there if I needed to vent.

Thanks snow, that’s precisely what I’ve done/doing. She agreed that no one can help her through this, she just has to learn to deal with this news. But she said I help immensely when it comes to distractions and knowing I am there to listen to her whenever.

That’s the plan – let her know I am here at any time, that I love her so much and I’m willing to do whatever to help. But just back a way a little bit because I don’t wanna suffocate her – it’s so hard to console someone from a distance!

[snow]

Thanks snow, that’s precisely what I’ve done/doing. She agreed that no one can help her through this, she just has to learn to deal with this news. But she said I help immensely when it comes to distractions and knowing I am there to listen to her whenever.

That’s the plan – let her know I am here at any time, that I love her so much and I’m willing to do whatever to help. But just back a way a little bit because I don’t wanna suffocate her – it’s so hard to console someone from a distance!

mhm exactly! I always feel like mentioning a break puts stress on a relationship which in your case would really be unnecessary! I hope things get better soon!

[merlinkitty]

mhm exactly! I always feel like mentioning a break puts stress on a relationship which in your case would really be unnecessary! I hope things get better soon!

That was really the only thing I was going to mention as well I know you two have had issues with "end dates" and whatnot. I guess it would depend on what her definition of a "break" is. If it's something like a month with no speaking, this to me implies something more of an issue with the relationship itself as opposed to a personal disappointment, which she's indicated this is. If by "break" she means "don't smother me with love, support, and affection while I sort my head around this over the next few days" then I say yeah, that's absolutely acceptable.

[S41r4]

That was really the only thing I was going to mention as well I know you two have had issues with "end dates" and whatnot. I guess it would depend on what her definition of a "break" is. If it's something like a month with no speaking, this to me implies something more of an issue with the relationship itself as opposed to a personal disappointment, which she's indicated this is. If by "break" she means "don't smother me with love, support, and affection while I sort my head around this over the next few days" then I say yeah, that's absolutely acceptable.

we discussed break for about 30 seconds and basically decided we don't need that, it was just a good conversation for us to both just voice how we feel and what we think we need. She said all she needed was some understanding while she figures her head out.

[Irina_Linn]

Women same as men generally need some time just for themselves in life.Especially if your SO is not too affectionate,for her it would be crucial to just have some time for herself,without thinking "i should text/call him"
At rough times you just want to sit alone,close your eyes and think over the situation.That doesn't mean she will not need you but it rather means you should be there to support,but not insisting on it
And thumbs up for doing the talk! Sensitive talking is the best in any relationship