I’m a girl, met a girl online who lived over 3000 miles away, what started as late night chats transpired into daily phone calls and skype sessions. We spent a year fighting our feelings because she always said “I’m Jewish, good Jewish girls don’t fall for girls” she always felt it was so against her faith, she was embarrassed of these feelings.
Over the course of 22 months, we have met up many times and even though it was so tough and upsetting she did make changes. She went from never having acted upon her desires for women, she always said she never could, to slowly sleeping with one. She tried keeping me at a distant, but this past valentines, she bought me the cutest most thought out gifts ever.
First weekend in March, I was there for my birthday, we discussed a 10 day holiday next month and me moving to her for 3months in July. Even though she still maintained it was never going to be a forever thing, I could clearly see the changes in her. I did not want to push or demand things.
I was content with having this beautiful, smart, driven woman who was very sensible, never thought with her heart all to myself. And when she used to tell me things like “I never knew someone could love me like this” or “you make me happy” – I felt we were taking baby steps.
Very small, very little but steps all the same. I felt secure, I left her on my bday 9th March, sad but knowing we have some solid plans to look forward to.
March 16th – Residency match day for med students
She’s a 4th year med student, had applied for derm residencyand she didn’t get it, she was devastated, crying, upset, confused, sad… she’s basically someone who has been blessed with all the money /comforts in the world, with the greatest parents for support and an amazing circle of people in her life. She has never wanted for anything and to have something not go her way or feel rejected it basically turned her in to a robot.
March 20th – In the morning came on here for advice, on how to take a back seat, how to help her, how to be supportive and loving without suffocating her.
Throughout the day I left her to it, messaged a couple times when she woke up and she said she wanted to study so I left her to it. I’m 4 hours ahead I was at work and went to a works leaving do.
I get home pretty early, around 11.30pm, we’re on the phone – I suggest skype. And on skype she breaks up with me.
Starts off with saying its because she can’t do a relationship right now but then goes on to say its basically religion. We spend hours on the phone, me crying, I just felt so stupid. Where was her religion when exactly 2 weeks ago she was the one taking me to bed to thank me for the dinner I cooked? Where was the religion when we were making future plans?
Around 6am we hang up, after I’ve slept a little I go over to a friends to talk, I tell my friend I want to talk to J - I don’t wanna talk her round and really I don’t even want to be with her any more because every couple months she breaks up with me for a day or 2. Something difference needs to happen, I can’t let her walk over me. I wanted to talk mostly because I just felt 22 months can’t come to an end in one call.
Over the phone we talked about how if she had properly explained that this was for religion and religion only I would actually be more accepting of it. But where she was behaving cold, mean, saying things like “I feel disconnected from G-d and out of touch, I wanted to do something good” (good being break up from the relationship that is causing u to act in a sinful way). She even said she hadn’t planned to break up with me on skype but because she felt sort of numb and just ty, it seemed like the right time. I just felt so rejected like I wasn’t worthy of even a thought out decision.
Pretty much ended the call then.
Following day Sunday – Like a fool I’m still trying to get her to tell me she loves me and that this is only for religion. But I’m still not hearing what I want to hear so after about 45 mins of a phone call we decide to just chill out with these heavy deep conversations. Its been too emotional. We decide there’s no rules on contact, we can talk however, whatever but we need a breather.
That evening she initiates contact, she was doing a shift in the ER and text me saying “ I just got to the hospital, I’m glad we got to talk, I hope you’re having a good evening”
I reply something casual about yeah the conversation was interesting, a couple messages small talk, she replies I don’t. About 10 mins later she text saying “the doctor felt bad for me for not matching and is sending me home” I replied aww that’s nice.
That was Sunday 7pm, its now Tuesday 3pm. no contact from either side.
This hurts so bad because I feel I don’t matter, I never did. I know she’s going through a lot but I went from being her best friend, the girl who she said she loved so much to feeling like a spare part that you don’t need. I know I deserve to be treated better so I’m not reaching out to her first.
Oh on that Sunday phone call, the last one we had, when she was being mean I said “if you don’t want me in your life anymore, just say so” and she went silent like she was thinking about it. I joked and said wow you’re an ass. I have a huge doctors appointment on Wed, like the most scariest thing I’ve ever gone through medical wise and she said how she wants to be there for me for it. I said “do u know how pathetic I feel, knowing the only person who knows about this appointment and the only person who can help me, is the same person who a moment ago was contemplating keeping me in their life?”
I guess, I’m just hurting, I hate feeling like I meant nothing. I spent all my savings on her, told so many lies to my family, gave her all of me, travelled from London to America for 2/3 nights just because she was sick. I know in my heart this isn’t her. Over the phone I told her, I wish you cared or felt an ounce of my hurt, she said I am hurting, every day I wake up feeling I’ve been kicked in the gut, I feel like I don’t know what’s happening with my life, she told me she’s no longer excited about graduating med school – something that one should be so happy and proud of. I know this isn’t her but man does it kill. It’s like we’re both hurting but for different ways.
Over the course of 22 months, we have met up many times and even though it was so tough and upsetting she did make changes. She went from never having acted upon her desires for women, she always said she never could, to slowly sleeping with one. She tried keeping me at a distant, but this past valentines, she bought me the cutest most thought out gifts ever.
First weekend in March, I was there for my birthday, we discussed a 10 day holiday next month and me moving to her for 3months in July. Even though she still maintained it was never going to be a forever thing, I could clearly see the changes in her. I did not want to push or demand things.
I was content with having this beautiful, smart, driven woman who was very sensible, never thought with her heart all to myself. And when she used to tell me things like “I never knew someone could love me like this” or “you make me happy” – I felt we were taking baby steps.
Very small, very little but steps all the same. I felt secure, I left her on my bday 9th March, sad but knowing we have some solid plans to look forward to.
March 16th – Residency match day for med students
She’s a 4th year med student, had applied for derm residencyand she didn’t get it, she was devastated, crying, upset, confused, sad… she’s basically someone who has been blessed with all the money /comforts in the world, with the greatest parents for support and an amazing circle of people in her life. She has never wanted for anything and to have something not go her way or feel rejected it basically turned her in to a robot.
March 20th – In the morning came on here for advice, on how to take a back seat, how to help her, how to be supportive and loving without suffocating her.
Throughout the day I left her to it, messaged a couple times when she woke up and she said she wanted to study so I left her to it. I’m 4 hours ahead I was at work and went to a works leaving do.
I get home pretty early, around 11.30pm, we’re on the phone – I suggest skype. And on skype she breaks up with me.
Starts off with saying its because she can’t do a relationship right now but then goes on to say its basically religion. We spend hours on the phone, me crying, I just felt so stupid. Where was her religion when exactly 2 weeks ago she was the one taking me to bed to thank me for the dinner I cooked? Where was the religion when we were making future plans?
Around 6am we hang up, after I’ve slept a little I go over to a friends to talk, I tell my friend I want to talk to J - I don’t wanna talk her round and really I don’t even want to be with her any more because every couple months she breaks up with me for a day or 2. Something difference needs to happen, I can’t let her walk over me. I wanted to talk mostly because I just felt 22 months can’t come to an end in one call.
Over the phone we talked about how if she had properly explained that this was for religion and religion only I would actually be more accepting of it. But where she was behaving cold, mean, saying things like “I feel disconnected from G-d and out of touch, I wanted to do something good” (good being break up from the relationship that is causing u to act in a sinful way). She even said she hadn’t planned to break up with me on skype but because she felt sort of numb and just ty, it seemed like the right time. I just felt so rejected like I wasn’t worthy of even a thought out decision.
Pretty much ended the call then.
Following day Sunday – Like a fool I’m still trying to get her to tell me she loves me and that this is only for religion. But I’m still not hearing what I want to hear so after about 45 mins of a phone call we decide to just chill out with these heavy deep conversations. Its been too emotional. We decide there’s no rules on contact, we can talk however, whatever but we need a breather.
That evening she initiates contact, she was doing a shift in the ER and text me saying “ I just got to the hospital, I’m glad we got to talk, I hope you’re having a good evening”
I reply something casual about yeah the conversation was interesting, a couple messages small talk, she replies I don’t. About 10 mins later she text saying “the doctor felt bad for me for not matching and is sending me home” I replied aww that’s nice.
That was Sunday 7pm, its now Tuesday 3pm. no contact from either side.
This hurts so bad because I feel I don’t matter, I never did. I know she’s going through a lot but I went from being her best friend, the girl who she said she loved so much to feeling like a spare part that you don’t need. I know I deserve to be treated better so I’m not reaching out to her first.
Oh on that Sunday phone call, the last one we had, when she was being mean I said “if you don’t want me in your life anymore, just say so” and she went silent like she was thinking about it. I joked and said wow you’re an ass. I have a huge doctors appointment on Wed, like the most scariest thing I’ve ever gone through medical wise and she said how she wants to be there for me for it. I said “do u know how pathetic I feel, knowing the only person who knows about this appointment and the only person who can help me, is the same person who a moment ago was contemplating keeping me in their life?”
I guess, I’m just hurting, I hate feeling like I meant nothing. I spent all my savings on her, told so many lies to my family, gave her all of me, travelled from London to America for 2/3 nights just because she was sick. I know in my heart this isn’t her. Over the phone I told her, I wish you cared or felt an ounce of my hurt, she said I am hurting, every day I wake up feeling I’ve been kicked in the gut, I feel like I don’t know what’s happening with my life, she told me she’s no longer excited about graduating med school – something that one should be so happy and proud of. I know this isn’t her but man does it kill. It’s like we’re both hurting but for different ways.
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