Getting that trust back (help!)

[CanGirl]

Hey guys,

Wow it's been a long time since I've been on this forum. At least it seems like it! Some of you may remember that I had a boyfriend in Canada while I was in New Zealand travelling. About 3.5 months in I broke up with him without giving him much of a reason why. I later on explained it as the distance being too much and me feeling slightly overwhelmed with everything. The way he loved me was super intense and at the time I had a bit of trouble handling it.

Long story short once I got back to Canada I couldn't ignore him any longer and needed to talk to him in person. Facebook messaging just was not working for us. Low and behold he decided to give me another try.

My problem right now is how do I get that trust back. I'm currently again 700 km away from him for a few months and he is afraid I will break up with him again. I completely understand where he's coming from and can't say what I would do n that position. Also for a reason I do not know he is afraid I might cheat on him. I never have before but he feels rather insecure about it. I'm also starting to feel like if he doesn't trust me is there a reason I shouldn't trust him? I go up to see him every few weeks and everything is perfect then. I leave and everything is great(except for the leaving part of course). It usually starts about a week before I come back up that the insecurities appear.

I am so scared that me being gone is going to ruin us for sure this time and that we aren't strong enough for the distance. In 2 months I'll be back up for sure and the plan is for me to move in with him but what if in the mean time something happens?

How do I make the trust issues and insecurities go away? I know it'll take time but is there anything I can do to help? I feel horrible for making him feel this way and bringing this into the relationship.

Please help.
CanGirl

PS I explained that I didn't come back just because I was alone. I came back to him because I realized I needed him.

[Redheart14]

Trust takes time to re build. You're going to have to be persistent in reassuring him if needed. Just include him more in things, little steps, tell him about your day, something important to you that happened. Frequent communication helps a lot. Some people react differently to an upcoming visit, some get more intense with emotions and excitement, while others pull back unsure how to deal with those extra emotions. This isn't something that can be rectified over night, all you can do is reassure his importance to you and keep communication open.

[ronjaandbirk]

my SO once broke my trust completely, and we're still working on building it up again. I agree with redheart, it takes time and the only thing you can do is to keep reassuring him and have a very very open communication with him at all times.
I think it is also important to understand that usually there can be two sorts of trust. One is the brainy trust where we theoretically know that all is well and there is nothing bad happening. The other is what our heart can tell us which is different. Even when we KNOW that all is well there can still be that sneaky little voice that asks "what if?"
So even once you build up that brainy trust part again, it could still take time for him to really feel safe with you again. Being left by someone you love intensly is rough and it can leave scars. He deserves your patience now

however I also understand that it can be tireing to always be mistrusted. Have an open talk about him where you talk it through, so you can maybe both find a kind of a compromise. You have to be patient but he has to be at least aware of the fact that getting back together with you is also a leap of faith and that ultimately a relationship is build on trust . He has to work for it too.

[whatruckus]

As someone who has bad trust issues, coming from his side of view, make sure you reassure him a lot. Like Redheart said. It does take time to get over something like that. Check in with him when you're out, send him some pictures (like if you're out to dinner, you can be a hipster and send a pic of your food, lol). Make him feel included. You won't always have to do this, eventually he'll just start forgetting that he needs that reassurance. I still need it from my SO every now and then, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I also don't feel like there's something about him that you need to worry about. He's probably just nervous. Remember, you broke up with him without closure at first. That can mess anyone up. (Also, coming from someone who's been dumped without proper closure)

Hopefully in time, he'll get better.

Also, definitely be patient with him, while letting him know that it does hurt you sometimes. It frustrates me sometimes that I haven't been able to let go of my trust issues/insecurities yet. So, don't think of it as him punishing you, or him holding it against you. Some things are harder for people to let go of than others.

[CanGirl]

Thanks guys! I will do my best Your replies helped a lot!

If anyone has anything more to add I would love to hear from you!

[snow]

I'm also starting to feel like if he doesn't trust me is there a reason I shouldn't trust him?

I'm gonna be blunt here: this is a selfish thought you need to get rid off. You left him without giving him a reason and now he is scared it might happen any day, but has he ever given you a reason to mistrust him? If he hasn't, then him not trusting you should not be a reason for you not to trust him.

What you can do is keep re-assuring him and be as open as you can. At this point, it has to come from you to make him understand that he is a priority in your life and won't be swept away by insecurities anytime soon. What I mean is, if he is scared of you cheating, be open and show him that he is the only one. If you are comfortable with it, let him know where you are if you are not together, shoot him a message, snap a picture, share your life with him.

[whatruckus]

I'm gonna be blunt here: this is a selfish thought you need to get rid off. You left him without giving him a reason and now he is scared it might happen any day, but has he ever given you a reason to mistrust him? If he hasn't, then him not trusting you should not be a reason for you not to trust him.

What you can do is keep re-assuring him and be as open as you can. At this point, it has to come from you to make him understand that he is a priority in your life and won't be swept away by insecurities anytime soon. What I mean is, if he is scared of you cheating, be open and show him that he is the only one. If you are comfortable with it, let him know where you are if you are not together, shoot him a message, snap a picture, share your life with him.

My point exactly. You have to make him feel like he's part of your life when you're not together. It really does help.

[snow]

My point exactly. You have to make him feel like he's part of your life when you're not together. It really does help.

^ When I started typing my response I was the second one but it took me such a long time in between making dinner that I was the 5th by the time I sent it, sorry :P

[Kittyluvzsancho]

I had a similar situation in which I had lost the trust of my SO the biggest thing for us in rebuilding that was that we had to be completely open with one another. Nothing private I even made him a calendar so that he knew what I was doing each day and where I was and who I was with. Completely honesty and transparency was the biggest thing for us not to mention profuse apologies and I love you's and tears. It does take time but it is possible.