I have major insecurity issues

[AnalogueAnimal]

Since adolescence I've been a shy and reserved kid and more like an introvert. I was pretty outgoing and had a good social circle but all of that changed when I started playing online games and I started paying more attention to people online than my friends and this lead me to lose some friends. I turned from a social butterfly to a social inept. The reason I'm writing this thread is to try to understand more about my insecurities and I'm hoping I'd be able to get some input from this community.

I've been running away from relationships since a long time once I felt like I'm close to them and I thought it's time I stop running away. I'm in an online relationship and our meeting date is coming near and I feel like our meeting will turn out to be a disaster.
I guess the reason I run away is because of my low self-esteem. I have very low self-confidence and I really don't feel good about myself and I've been dealing with anxiety and depression issues from the past two years. I try to be outgoing and confident but deep down, I'm hopeless..I have thought about ending it quite often but on very rare occasions, I feel confident and when I do, I feel like everything's gonna be great but this feeling fades away soon. I haven't told her about these things yet because I don't want her to think I'm an emotional wreck with low self-esteem. I feel like she is out of my league and when I do meet her, she won't like me as I'm just an average looking guy and she's drop dead gorgeous..she works out and has a great body. I'm worried what If I am awkward around her, what if I don't know how to carry the conversations. I can talk well on video but I know in person, it's going to be a different scenario. I also have a hard time trusting her, I don't feel like she likes me.

Basically, I don't feel comfortable with my body, I don't love myself, I don't feel confident and I'm not happy with my life. If I continue to be this way, I know our relationship with her and any other girl in future won't work out.
How do I deal with my insecurities?

[Ella85]

Everyone has issues and everyone has to work through them. I have my own set of issues from a previous relationship where I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated. It's very difficult not to let that impact how I am in my current relationship because there is certain behaviours that I have begun to expect and it's almost like I expect that of people now and it just is not the case. No one else is going to treat me like that, it was just my ex.

My point is, that you know the insecurities are there, you are going to have to learn to deal with them in time. I'm afraid I don't have a magic wand or potion that can zap away my own insecurities let alone anyone else's. But as I have got older, particularly over the last sort of 3-4 years I've started with the mentality of I am who I am. If I don't like something I work to change it. If I don't like the way I am behaving I need to change it. If she doesn't love you for who you are, then she isn't worth having. It's simple.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

If she doesn't love you for who you are, then she isn't worth having. It's simple.

This is golden advice. EVERYONE has insecurities. I bet you that the girl who you think is drop dead gorgeous doesn't feel like it (or at least has moments of self-doubt). When I first met my SO (it was in person, so I don't have any advice for you there), I thought that there was no way that a guy that hot and smart and funny would ever be interested in me. He felt the same way about me. It took us an incredibly long time to finally get together because of the belief that the other was too dang awesome to ever be interested in us. Personally, I think that's what makes a great relationship. Both people need to feel like they are the lucky ones because then they will keep working for the relationship. Keep searching until you find someone who sees your beauty and feels like the luckiest girl on the planet that you picked her. If this girl isn't it, then there will be others.

On a side note, keep working on that confidence. As the cliche goes, you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. I always say that the beauty of a long distance relationship is that you get time to work on yourself first. Keep working to find the beauty in yourself. If that's that you did this or that in a game, well great! If it's that you can read super fast or that you are super strong or whatever, embrace it! Don't run away from the introverted part of you. I am a proud introvert here! It gets to be really hard at times, I can agree with you on that point, but don't let others tell you that it's wrong to be proud of your achievements alone. Sometimes those are way more important than social achievements! Keep striving to love yourself!

[differentcountries]

If you have introvert personality traits, do read up on that. It will help you. Being extroverted does not mean you have confidance (most of my friends are extrovert but they often depend on others the way introverts often dont). Becoming a little outgoing might help you, still you might want to experiment so that any extrovert traits you get don't feel shallow. Also, cultivate your introvert traits and they can become strenghts.

[p_b82]

As has been said, you are the only one that is able to work on your own issues, but every-one feels the way you do, the difference is the varying amounts that people allow themselves to let those feelings rule them and their decisions.

You sound very like me in my 20's, where my introversion spiralled into depression, and while I was able to pull myself out the rut, if you are not able to, then you might want to look at some CBT type support/counselling.

For me the way I got out the rut was to throw myself out my confidence zone - my life online - and forced myself out into the 'real world' it was one of the hardest things I ever did, but actually one thing I am very proud of. I had a CD relationship for 5.5 years as a result of that one big life changing decision - even if it did not end well, but such is life. (I met her the second time I went out on my own!)

The one thing I will say, is do not put yourself down in front of your GF, if you put loads of effort into making some-one think that you are not worthy of them, they will eventually believe it, or get fed up trying to convince you otherwise. So have faith in yourself, she has entered into a relationship with you already, and likes you so be proud of that and celebrate that fact

[AnalogueAnimal]

Everyone has issues and everyone has to work through them. I have my own set of issues from a previous relationship where I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated. It's very difficult not to let that impact how I am in my current relationship because there is certain behaviours that I have begun to expect and it's almost like I expect that of people now and it just is not the case. No one else is going to treat me like that, it was just my ex.

My point is, that you know the insecurities are there, you are going to have to learn to deal with them in time. I'm afraid I don't have a magic wand or potion that can zap away my own insecurities let alone anyone else's. But as I have got older, particularly over the last sort of 3-4 years I've started with the mentality of I am who I am. If I don't like something I work to change it. If I don't like the way I am behaving I need to change it. If she doesn't love you for who you are, then she isn't worth having. It's simple.

I agree but should I be telling her all this even before meeting? What if she thinks this is already too much to handle and doesn't want too much drama.

[AnalogueAnimal]

Everyone has issues and everyone has to work through them. I have my own set of issues from a previous relationship where I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated. It's very difficult not to let that impact how I am in my current relationship because there is certain behaviours that I have begun to expect and it's almost like I expect that of people now and it just is not the case. No one else is going to treat me like that, it was just my ex.

My point is, that you know the insecurities are there, you are going to have to learn to deal with them in time. I'm afraid I don't have a magic wand or potion that can zap away my own insecurities let alone anyone else's. But as I have got older, particularly over the last sort of 3-4 years I've started with the mentality of I am who I am. If I don't like something I work to change it. If I don't like the way I am behaving I need to change it. If she doesn't love you for who you are, then she isn't worth having. It's simple.

I agree but should I be telling her all this even before meeting? What if she thinks this is already too much to handle and doesn't want too much drama.

[Ella85]

I have a anxiety and stress disorder. I told my boyfriend this straight up. Honesty in a relationship is key and I don't keep anything from him. I may delay in telling him something if I am uncomfortable about it myself but pretty much if something that comes up that bothers me he is going to know about it. That is the nature of our relationship, he extends the same to me. We are there for eachother. I can't make that decision for you, but it wouldn't hurt to tell her that you are feeling very nervous and a little self conscious. She might surprise you and be feeling exactly the same.

[whatruckus]

I honestly have no extra advice to offer in regards to what has already been said, I just wanted to let you know that I, too, have major insecurity/trust/anxiety/stress problems as well. Most stem from my childhood and how I was raised (not too well), as well as how my ex treated me (cheated, manipulated me, verbally/emotionally abused me). So, you are not alone.

[differentcountries]

I wıll actually suggest that you start wıth workıng on your ınsecurıtıes wıth your body. Start a bodybased therapy, fınd a sport you lıke, explore your own body (as sılly as ıt mıght sound).

[SummerNight]

If you are having a low self-esteem then you must find ways to become more confident in yourself. The best way to do that is setting up goals and achieving them. Taking a new hobby and getting better at it. You have to do something that makes you fee proud of yourself. At the same time you also need to widen your comfort zone - that means doing things that scare you at first.

Everybody have insecurities, that's correct. But if you are thinking bad of yourself then it WILL repel people away from you. If you don't value yourself, why should others.

[differentcountries]

I'm just an average looking guy and she's drop dead gorgeous..she works out and has a great body.How do I deal with my insecurities?

you are thinking about romantic relationships all wrong. do you think supermodels and people who everyone thinks is beautiful always are appreciated by the people close to them, and experience true love? they might be admired sometimes but ultimately everyone in the world faces the same challenge - being loved for who they are and to feel really appreciated and seen.

The perks of dating a Turk is that he will say anything he is thinking straight to my face. This is my SOs explaination of why he fell for me and loves me: "you are not the most beatiful woman i have seen, i mean you are beautiful of course but there are more beautiful women than you out there, and i did not feel the way about them as i do about you. you have a way of talking to me, nobody talks to me like you do. "

find out what your partner cares about, what makes her feel loved. and do those things.it means more than you know.

[oinkpig329]

I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but it sounds like you would benefit from some counseling. I am actually a counselor myself (and I think many people could benefit from counseling...including me!), but it sounds like you have some prevailing problems with anxiety and depression along with the self esteem. This is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, and mental health is an important thing that everyone needs to keep up on. Counseling can be a safe space for you to voice your insecurities, and the counselor will guide you to find solutions within yourself. They can also teach you about different techniques to manage your anxiety or depression so you have a tool box that you can refer to later. I know it's probably intimidating, but I have seen counseling help many people. My experience is that even when I am in the best of mental health in a relationship I have to keep up on it or it can get me down and impact my relationship. What do you have to lose from giving it a shot?

[xcherrypoopx]

I'm assuming you've shared pictures and video chatted? If so, she has seen what you look like and obviously is attracted to you if she wants to meet :-) I know it's hard, I'm introverted, have severe anxiety, and have body image issues too. Maybe, find some kind of physical activity you enjoy and get active. Being active can significantly help with self esteem! I couldn't get myself active for anything until I got my dog. She's an energetic pit bull puppy. To ensure she's happy and releasing energy, she has to be walked and go out for runs a few times a day or else she'll be destructive. Makes me get outside and I love seeing her happy to get out. Just find what you like and do it! I hope your first meeting goes well. Best of luck!