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**whatruckus** · April 3, 2015, 12:15 PM

Originally posted by kailashes View Post

My boyfriend and I used to be part of the same friendship group. We’ve been together for about 4 years now and are planning a future together (although we’re currently long distance). I’m a bit concerned because I’d like us to have mutual friends, but he’s grown apart from our friends while I haven’t. He turns down their invites if I’m not in town, and if I am, he’ll go because he wants to spend time with me but spend most of the time in a corner texting if I’m not talking to him.

I know his friends and we get on, and I am happy to hang out with them sometimes (I’ve made a really, really strong effort with them over the years), but I find it really exhausting because I feel like they are mocking me (they think I’m really innocent) or sometimes I tend to get shouted down and ignored when we hang out together. Some of them are really racist which makes me feel uncomfortable, as I am half-Asian. They make a lot of crude jokes as well and do things like get completely naked and throw dildos around at a barbecue, which also makes me feel uncomfortable!

I’d like us to genuinely have mutual friends that we’re both genuinely comfortable with but it worries me that I can’t seem to get on with his friends and he doesn’t seem to like mine (ours) that much either. When we’re with my (our) friends, I feel uncomfortable thinking he’s only there because of me and he’d be having much more fun with his own friends. When I think about the future, I don't like the thought of having to have completely separate social lives, although I'm absolutely not saying we should be glued at the hip, either. Just a happy medium.

I understand the value of having separate friends and interests, but as I said, I’d really like us to have SOME mutual friends as well. It’s ok now, but will this become more of a problem in the future, when we live together, for example? How can I resolve this? Does anyone else have experience of this?

I'm with you on the racist thing, it does get really annoying. I've talked to my SO about it and he understands. A joke here and there I can take, as I dish them out too and self deprecate, but anything more than that...it gets too much. I would talk to your SO about why he's not into hanging out with your mutual friends anymore, and what the deal is with his friends. Do they like you, do they not like you? My SO's friends all love me, so they do the racist jokes sometimes as a way to connect with me, because they don't really know any other way (they've never really associated with an Asian before, being that most of Philly, except Chinatown, is mostly Irish, Italian, and Polish) and we grew up in completely different settings. They grew up in the City/"Hood"/Boonie/Working Class life, and I grew up in the Upper Middle Class Suburbia/NYC life. However, your SO's friends seem completely immature.

I believe you guys should have some mutual friends. My SO and I actually have a lot now, and it's fun to hang out all together. In fact, I think we're double dating this weekend and having dinner with some of them.

I really want to stress that you should let your SO know that it really makes you uncomfortable when some of them start the racist jokes and comments. You shouldn't be made to feel like that. I even tell my SO's friends sometimes to cut it out, and they stop. Sometimes they don't realize they've overstepped the line. It never makes them mad, they understand. Especially when their girlfriend's are around (lots of smacking and "OMG I can't believe you just said that", lol). But, this also mainly only happens with the friends he grew up with that are our age. The ones that are older never make those types of comments really. I guess it depends on their level of maturity as well.

**Harlequin** · April 3, 2015, 12:28 PM

Your s/o's friends sound incredibly immature, so tbh you're missing out on anything if you don't have any sort of bond with them. They're a waste of time.
I agree with whatruckus: it's good to have some mutual friends. I just wouldn't sweat it if you both have your own groups.

As for resolving it, have you spoken to your s/o about how his friends treat you like shit and how they generally make you feel uncomfortable? I'd also have a chat with how rude he is to your friends. You've made the effort to hang out and be social with his friends, and it sounds like he doesn't want to put in the same effort with yours. I'd really just talk to him about everything. Obviously don't attack him, but stand your ground if he tries to make excuses for anything. You deserve to be respected, and there's nothing wrong with wanting some mutual (respectful) friends.

**differentcountries** · April 3, 2015, 12:49 PM

I don't see why you should have to hang around with your seperate friends if you feel bored/unwelcome. I have stayed with a friend of SO that don't really like me, but that is only because she is SOs best friend and I know I HAVE to get along with her. Also her mum is nice, which helps! I also have a small hope that we will get along better over the years, if SO moved to my country we would certainly see a lot of her. But she is not racist or even that rude to me, she is married to a Turk herself and it is just she is sceptical because of the polyamory thing, which I can understand but it is challenging. She is like a protective bigger sister to him but I can see she really loves him so I figure I just have to live with her in our life.

We come from different places and don't have a lot of friends in common, just a few aquintances origionally. I travel a lot to SO and have gotten to know his buddies somewhat. I also know their girlfriends a little bit, and some of his guests we have had coffee with as a couple etc. I also attended a wedding as SOs date, where a lot of his workmates/friends attended. This week I have met a lot of his current and former workmates as well as People he just know. Basically, my social circle when I am here is his boys' network plus a few guests. It is really challenging because he has a BIG social circle plus the great expectancy to be social here in Turkey. But I just heard that his faviourite guest is here now and I really think she and I have a friendship potentional. I know too it would make SO happy if I went with her more. She is also sort of the "glue" to some of the social life here and she is studying Turkish too, so I will learn so much from her.

He has met some of my friends. Since he was only in my country a month and had never been there before, we did not do the Whole introduction thing, but he did go as my date at one friend's birthday party and got to know a few of my friends that way. I also took him to my Turkish class for fun and he bonded with the only guy there. It is too early to say he has gotten friends with any of my friends but he is really a likable guy so I do see it happening if for instance he has a little bit more time Next time. A lot of People have asked if he is going to immigrate, which might happen in the long run, but I would really like him to learn my Language as well as stay a bit longer as a tourist before taking the leap to move to work etc.

Can you and Your SO go somewhere to try to make mutual friends? do you have a mutual interest? Somewhere you would like to visit?

ps I would not want to go with him with his friends if his friends started to undress at parties. How old are they? are any of them in relationships? It sounds very bacholor 20 year olds.

**whatruckus** · April 3, 2015, 12:54 PM

I just wanted to mention that if you guys have been together for like 4 years already, and his friends are still acting like this around you/towards you, then don't even bother trying with them anymore. If it hasn't gotten any better by now, it probably won't. You don't have to be friends with them/hang around them if they're going to be assholio's to you. You can still be respectful when you talk to them, or talk about them, but you certainly don't need to be buddies with them.

**kailashes** · April 3, 2015, 02:18 PM

Thank you very much for the advice. I want to make it clear, though, that they don't treat me badly at all. They never make targeted comments at me and they do try to make me feel welcome. It's just that I feel uncomfortable around racist jokes and comments and around some of the 'immature' behaviour. I think it's totally fine to have fun however you want, and have whatever sense of humour you want, and I think if I loosened up I'd fit in more. It's like my brain knows it's good to be non-judgemental, and then my subconscious is saying 'I just do not like the humour here at all' and makes me feel uncomfortable. Oh the conflict!

Whatruckus: I think you're right about the level of maturity; maybe this kind of thing will be easier the older we get. It's nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience! About a year ago I made a fuss because my SO never properly introduced me to any of these friends and didn't invite me to hang out with them. I guess I know now that it was because he knew we weren't going to have a lot in common! After making such a big deal about about that, I would be embarrassed to stop trying with them (especially as they do TRY to make me feel welcome).

Harlequin: Thank you for your advice. Talking is probably a good idea. Maybe my SO hasn't even noticed that he's been drifting apart from our old group (it happens, right?)

Differentcountries, they ARE a group of men and women in their early 20s, so it's not totally unusual behaviour! I'm totally ok with the way they act as they're only having fun, and I only think the racist comments come from a lack of exposure to other cultures rather than anything sinister like hatred (my home town is probably 98% white people who have never moved more than 10 miles from home). A couple of them are in relationships, but with people with similar personalities. Thank you for your suggestion, too. I think you're right in saying that we'll have more luck trying to meet mutual friends together, rather than forcing ourselves to integrate into each other's current circles. We plan to go to Italian language classes together after closing the distance, so that's already one situation in which we can improve the lack-of-mutual-friends thing. I'm silly for not thinking of that before.

I loved reading your post, by the way, you have a really interesting situation going on being in a place as cool as Turkey and with the polyamory. Best of luck!

**whatruckus** · April 3, 2015, 02:46 PM

Originally posted by kailashes View Post

Thank you very much for the advice. I want to make it clear, though, that they don't treat me badly at all. They never make targeted comments at me and they do try to make me feel welcome. It's just that I feel uncomfortable around racist jokes and comments and around some of the 'immature' behaviour. I think it's totally fine to have fun however you want, and have whatever sense of humour you want, and I think if I loosened up I'd fit in more. It's like my brain knows it's good to be non-judgemental, and then my subconscious is saying 'I just do not like the humour here at all' and makes me feel uncomfortable. Oh the conflict!

Whatruckus: I think you're right about the level of maturity; maybe this kind of thing will be easier the older we get. It's nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience! About a year ago I made a fuss because my SO never properly introduced me to any of these friends and didn't invite me to hang out with them. I guess I know now that it was because he knew we weren't going to have a lot in common! After making such a big deal about about that, I would be embarrassed to stop trying with them (especially as they do TRY to make me feel welcome).

If that is the case, then you need to make it clear to your SO and his friends that these comments make you extremely uncomfortable. Don't force yourself to smile and sit there just to make them happy. They're not your friends, you have no obligation to humor them and go along with what they want to do or say. Whether they are directed at you, or not, they should be respectful if you're feeling uncomfortable. As I said, you do not need to hang out with them if this behavior insists, after they are made aware. And, you don't need to hang around them at all if you don't want to. Yes, they made the effort, but so have you, and they choose to say and do immature things that make you feel this way. Do not defend them just because they made the effort. If they want to make you feel more welcome and at ease, then they need to stop their behavior and probably grow up.

**differentcountries** · April 3, 2015, 03:27 PM

Originally posted by kailashes View Post

Differentcountries, they ARE a group of men and women in their early 20s, so it's not totally unusual behaviour! I'm totally ok with the way they act as they're only having fun, and I only think the racist comments come from a lack of exposure to other cultures rather than anything sinister like hatred (my home town is probably 98% white people who have never moved more than 10 miles from home). A couple of them are in relationships, but with people with similar personalities. Thank you for your suggestion, too. I think you're right in saying that we'll have more luck trying to meet mutual friends together, rather than forcing ourselves to integrate into each other's current circles. We plan to go to Italian language classes together after closing the distance, so that's already one situation in which we can improve the lack-of-mutual-friends thing. I'm silly for not thinking of that before.

I loved reading your post, by the way, you have a really interesting situation going on being in a place as cool as Turkey and with the polyamory. Best of luck!

I had like friends like that when I was 20, among others a friend who would flash her boobs and kiss strangers. She could usually behave in front of people's girlfriends though, unless it was really late in the night

Everybody gets tired of that stuff though. Of course, you could benifit from loosing up, but perhaps also tell them to back down sometimes? If you promise to strip or goof a little bit maybe they can keep their pants on? And accept their jokes but maybe try to expand their horizon sometimes...

Language classes sounds like a fun thing to do together... I hope you find it enjoyable althoug it can be challenging at times too!

Yes, I did a weird thing starting to date a Turk while on holiday one and a half year ago. But everythings works out in the end, I get to travel and learn a new language. My husband will join me for Turkey travel in summer. Thank you for your wishes

**TheSteelAngel** · April 3, 2015, 03:51 PM

Originally posted by whatruckus View Post

I just wanted to mention that if you guys have been together for like 4 years already, and his friends are still acting like this around you/towards you, then don't even bother trying with them anymore. If it hasn't gotten any better by now, it probably won't. You don't have to be friends with them/hang around them if they're going to be assholio's to you. You can still be respectful when you talk to them, or talk about them, but you certainly don't need to be buddies with them.

I'm sorry I know that's probably an autocorrect mistake, (or even if it's not) but I died laughing when I read assholio's lol. I think I just may use that

**whatruckus** · April 3, 2015, 04:53 PM

Originally posted by TheSteelAngel View Post

I'm sorry I know that's probably an autocorrect mistake, (or even if it's not) but I died laughing when I read assholio's lol. I think I just may use that

Lol, nope! Not autocorrect! Hahaha. I like using that word. :P

**ronjaandbirk** · April 3, 2015, 05:00 PM

I personally think mutual friends are nice. but I dont think its necessarily a problem if you dont have them.
My boyfriend and I have zero mutual friends, and I dont like his friends for the most part, and I think he would find my friends really boring (he hasnt really met any of them so far.)
We have a really different kind of humor at times, and I think different priorities when it comes to how our friends should be like. I value loyality and kindness above all else and dont care if someone is maybe a bit boring, unintelligent or whatever. He values intelligence and a good discussion above all else, and overlooks people character for the sake of it sometimes. I hink both is reasonable.
We do have a huge part in common but in some aspects we are really different people aswell, and forcing people we dont like on each other is just contraproductive I think.

maybe just have a good open talk about it, maybe you can figure out why you have such different friends? I think its important to see why someoen likes those people, so you don't have to wonder why he likes you when you are so different.

**Unconditional** · April 3, 2015, 05:34 PM

I want to put my statement like this:

A couple can have mutual friends- it happens but perhaps those friends are just not made to be both of your friends, and that is perfectly fine.

I prefer having my friend's approve of my SO and his friends approve of me rather than we are all buddies.

**TheSteelAngel** · April 3, 2015, 05:53 PM

Originally posted by Unconditional View Post

I want to put my statement like this:

A couple can have mutual friends- it happens but perhaps those friends are just not made to be both of your friends, and that is perfectly fine.

I prefer having my friend's approve of my SO and his friends approve of me rather than we are all buddies.

I agree with this actually. There's nothing wrong with having mutual friends and if you have them that's great. But there comes a time in our lives where we learn that we just can't be friends with some certain people no matter how much we try to befriend them. It happens. Friendships really shouldn't be forced. Like any relationship they should blossom and grow naturally. Let them happen on their own if that makes any sense.

**merlinkitty** · April 3, 2015, 09:12 PM

The only thing I can add is geeeeeez I hope he grows out of this group of friends soon. In my old age I don't have the tolerance level for that kind of crap anymore.

**Kapwned** · April 3, 2015, 10:21 PM

My personal concern would be how they act. It could be typical for their age. But just make sure of the following:

1. He defends you if they cross your boundaries with you.
2. You don't give in and do something you're uncomfortable with just to fit in with them.
3. Don't always be the one to conform and compromise.

I don't think it's necessarily important to have mutual friends, definitely do not force it, but I think it is important to be civil with your SO's friends. So if ever you have to hang out with them there isn't drama. You seem like you're a lot more chill than his friends may be, so it might be beneficial to talk to him. Make sure you two have one on one time to do something that doesn't leave you feeling pressured or uncomfortable. Inquire on why he doesn't like to hang out with your old friends anymore. Maybe he feels like they're growing apart and he doesn't have much in common with them anymore. Or you could tell him you love hanging out with friends together but sometimes you need something more low key than the way his friends usually get.

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