My best friend

[MyHeartIsInNYC]

I've been friends with this guy for 13 years. We dated long distance for 2 years, 13 years ago. He came to nebraska last summer to visit, and I just got back from a weekend in NYC, visiting him. He doesn't want to do long distance again. He refuses to be together if we don't live closer together, but he won't move here. And I have 2 small children, making it in NYC is going to be really hard for me. We have never slept together, but when we are together, we kiss, hold hands, act like a couple. He refuses to get intimate with me because "you're not just some girl, I love you". What does he mean by that?!

[TheSteelAngel]

Sorry, but I really think you shouldn't waste your time with this guy. He says he loves you, but if he did he would want to be with you. If he loves you as much as he says he does he would try long distance again, which he shows no interest in doing. There's no way he'd say "if we don't live closer then I don't wanna be with you" if he loved you. It sounds to me like he's playing with you.

[differentcountries]

I guess he needs better tools to stay in the LDR. Did you break up over the distance last time? Perhaps this time around you both can do things differently. Has he met your children? Does he bond with them? Is it an option for both of you to move somewhere else, for instance somewhere close to NYC? He sounds a bit stubborn but it is also good that he is upfront. Now is the time for you to be upfront as well, and ask how your needs might be met if you were to move, he was to move or some other solution.

[MyHeartIsInNYC]

We did break up over the distance last time. He has met my kids, they adore him.at this point I'm working on cleaning up my credit so I can move there.

[differentcountries]

If you decide to move there, perhaps he can help you with practical details like housing, kindergarten, finding a job, transportation and so on.

[MyHeartIsInNYC]

He has already said that if I move there, and I find some apartments, that he will go check them out for me.

[Kapwned]

How much effort is he willing to make to get you there though? You just said that he said that if you find apartments he will go check them out. Why can't he look as well? He's the one who lives there. He should know what to look for and he probably knows the area better.

For your sake I'd like to think that he's just the type who doesn't do distance but he does genuinely care about you. But at the same time, it feels like he isn't wanting to make any effort for you and he's only on it for his own desires and needs.

He needs to understand that if you move up there, then you two are in essence making a commitment to each other. You are making quite a leap in order to be with him and you should make sure he realizes this and is willing to give you as much effort in return.

[MyHeartIsInNYC]

I'm not so sure about the whole "he's only in it for his wants and needs" due to the fact that Us not sleeping together, wasn't for lack of trying on my part. His last long distance relationship, was ended by him, and because she would never initiate anything. Not even hand holding, she never showed him affection or anything. I have no problem showing him these things or initiating anything.

[Harlequin]

Wants and needs don't have to be sexual. Wants and needs can be anything, and if he's able to get them from you without having to put in much effort himself, then that is when it can become an issue of him using you for something.
I, like the others who have posted, find it strange that he really isn't doing much in the ways of helping you. If he really wants to be together with you, then he can show some effort and help you out. He refuses to be with you if you're not closer, but he's basically demanding you uproot your life and the life of your kids in order to be closer to NYC, and he's not really offering to help you with anything unless you've already done the bulk of the work. Honestly, I wouldn't be planning on making any sort of move until he starts showing that he REALLY wants this to happen. Compromises have to be made in LDRs, and it sounds like he's not willing to make any, which is selfish. That raises a lot of red flags not only for how he behaves now, but for how he might behave if/when you actually close the distance.

As for what he means by "You're not just some girl, I love you!" I dunno. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want to have sex for whatever reason, and is giving some sort of Nicholas Sparks bs answer. It could be that he's not comfortable with the notion of having sex yet, or maybe he doesn't want to have sex in general, etc. Some people take a longer time to warm up to that level of intimacy than others do, but they might be too embarrassed to really talk about it. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it. There could be all sorts of explanations, so if you're concerned (as in, you're worried it might be a personal thing), I'd just ask him directly what he meant.

[whatruckus]

I'm going to be blunt here and say that it's going to be extremely hard to find a reasonable apartment for you and your two kids in NYC. Unless you make $60 - $70k+ a year, good luck. Which part of the City does he live in? My brother and sister-in-law have a "decent" sized (their apartment is probably half the size of one floor in my parents' house, and our house isn't a McMansion) 2 bedroom apartment in Bayside (Queens) and that's setting them back about $1800/mo + utilities. And, for the record, I practically grew up in NYC. My dad's business is there and that is basically my second home. Both sets of grandparents live in NYC (one in Chinatown, and one in Queens). My dad grew up in NYC, and my mom was born in NYC. I also agree that he should be helping you find apartments, not just saying, "Oh well, when you find some, I'll go look for you."

I honestly think this guy is just pulling your chain, like everyone else feels. Who says something like "Oh well, if we don't live any closer then I don't want to be with you". What the eff? That's the type of manipulative things my Ex used to say to me. "Oh well, if you don't change, we're not going to work and no one else is going to want to be with you." - My Ex.

You're filling his needs and wants of having a part-time girlfriend, without actually being committed. To me it's like, "Well, I can get those butterfly feelings of being in a relationship when we talk and when she's around, but I'm going to be sleeping with/dating other girls who actually live near me."

My SO never really believed in LDR's, but he wanted to be with me so he gave it a shot. Almost 2 and a half years later, we're still together. Still LDR, but he's actually committed to me and sees a future with me.

I would really be careful with this guy, ESPECIALLY because you have 2 children (who I'm assuming are anywhere between toddlers to possible middle schoolers). What would happen if you moved there and he was still on the fence about being with you? Is that worth uprooting your children? I think before you even consider moving around here, you should really get some sort of commitment from this guy. And not just a "Yea, we'll be together if you move here", it's either he's with you or he's not. No games.

As for his comment about how he won't have sex with you because he "loves" you...that really sounds like BS to me. I feel like that's his way of just getting you to hang around, and like I said before, he doesn't want to commit to you or be tied down to you. Or, have you feel like this is going to be something more than what he wants.

I really don't like this guy's passive comments/statements to you and complete lack of effort. Sure, everything might fine and dandy when you guys talk and when you're together, but he honestly doesn't seem like Boyfriend material, even more so...possible Father material to your kids. He's flaky.

Also, next time you guys have a visit, don't act like a couple with him at all. Just to see what his real intentions are. I don't understand the point of acting like a couple, talking like a couple, and then just not being a couple...especially with his lame excuses.