Boyfriend dealing with depression?

[Secrecy]

So I have concerns about my boyfriend, and it couldn't have come at a more inopportune moment.

So I have been suffering from depression... Well, at least a deep, dark spell of it for the last few months or so. It's gotten so bad that I'm considering anti-depressants, because I'm finding it hard to maintain the self-help therapy my therapist has taught me without some sort of physical help going on as well. My boyfriend has let me know recently that my depression has been driving him nuts, and so I've been trying to keep things light-hearted and airy and enjoyable so as not to put more stress onto him. I don't really blame him for getting frustrated with my depression - heck, I get frustrated at my depression myself, so I can only understand how someone from the outside must feel about it. People can only deal with so much in the way of downers, including from their own SO's.

However, I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and explained to him that one of the reasons my depression and anxiety skyrocket is because I can feel that there's something wrong with him, and I feel like I have some part in him feeling like that, but the problem is he never tells me if I'm doing something wrong in preservation for my feelings (because of my depression). He confirmed that, but he explained (sort of) that it was more than that. I explained that it didn't help for him to not give me the whole truth, because then I am forced to draw my own conclusions and since I suffer from anxiety, they tend not to be favorable conclusions. See, my boyfriend, like a lot of guys out there, has a HORRIBLE time talking about his own feelings, even if they have nothing to do about me. He just flat out can't form words to do it. He would much rather bottle everything and self-help himself through the use of substance (weed in particular), which he has admitted he does. I don't particularly mind his weed usage, but using it as a medicine while bottling absolutely everything has me concerned, because when he comes down from that high he's going to be feeling just the same.

I finally asked him if I really was doing anything wrong, and that I needed to know for my own sake as well as his. I told him that whenever he talks to me, he seems to act really down (even if I, myself, am not), and asked him if it was because of me or if he just does it because he's comfortable showing those feelings to me. All he told me was "A bit of both," and just reiterated that my depression made him feel bad. When I asked him if there was anything else to it, all he could respond with was frustrated "I don't know"s, and the thing is, I don't think he was using that as a way to get out of answering the subject... I really think that he is so bad with dealing with his own feelings, that he seriously doesn't know what's going on inside there, and he runs from confronting it by getting high because it's an easy way out. All he could manage to say was that he's discontent and "Everything's become boring," and while he didn't say our relationship specifically, I think that probably falls into that category. I asked him if he still loves me, and every time he would say yes, and would respond with, "I love you too." When we finally said our goodnights, he couldn't even manage any enthusiasm, a laugh or a smile. It killed me to see him that way,

As a bit of back story, my boyfriend grew up in a large population city and moved into a substantially smaller one with a lot less prospects in October, due to living with his parents and them moving. While he says Whitby (current place of residence) isn't that bad, I feel like that has something to do with it because that was when he really started acting this way. While my boyfriend says he doesn't think he's depressed, I really think he is, as he's showing a lot of classic symptoms of it. Realizing the bad place he's been in, I feel really guilty overwhelming him with my own burdens and I really want to stop and better myself and be the best me I can be, for him. (And for me too, because, well... It's about damn time.)

One of my biggest fears out of this is that he'll get so engulfed in his own dark head space that he might want to end the relationship. He hasn't shown any inclination of that, but it's still a very real fear. The way our depressions (assuming he has it) differ is that his own bad head space is affecting our relationship and his connectedness to it, while mine never really did. I don't want him to feel this way, and feel like he's in it alone, and I want to spice things up the best we can to maybe make things less boring for us. One of the biggest issues with my depression is it's kept me from doing a lot of things as depression often does, so I don't have a lot of new subjects to bring to the table I guess. I see him in June for our 4 year anniversary, and I'm hoping to reconnect with him on a better level when I go to see him. The thing is, I plan to FINALLY close the distance with him in November - less than seven months away. What can I do to be the best girlfriend I can be for him in this time? I know how depression works, but I'm at a bit of a loss with how distant he's been seeming because that's one thing that I've never suffered from in my depression. It literally tears my heart in two to see him this way.

[MochaLatte]

Hello, Secrecy, living with a mental health issue is very difficult. I myself suffer from several illnesses including depression. It get's very difficult to deal with and function. And bringing an relationship to the table just adds that much stress. Over the last few years and experiences with relationships, I made a "list" (so to speak) of things I NEED to do and things he NEEDS to do in order to make the relationship work and comfortable.

He really needs to talk to you. My ex was like that and I pretty much told him that if he doesn't tell me what's going on in his head, I'm going to fill in the blanks which is going to be worse than anything he could tell me. I have anxiety with not knowing things and what's going on in someone else mind is one of my main triggers because I can't read minds, so people need to tell me what they're thinking.

Anti-depressants worked wonders for me but more than that, anti-psychotics work better. They allowed me to think clearly. Things that caused me anxiety didn't cause me anxiety anymore and I actually couldn't even figure out why it bothered me in the first place. I lack a lot of chemicals in my brain that others have and I also over fire chemicals that other do not. Explaining to your SO how your depression and anxiety affect you and what it feels like to you is a conversation I found usually helps a lot.

[Secrecy]

Hello, Secrecy, living with a mental health issue is very difficult. I myself suffer from several illnesses including depression. It get's very difficult to deal with and function. And bringing an relationship to the table just adds that much stress. Over the last few years and experiences with relationships, I made a "list" (so to speak) of things I NEED to do and things he NEEDS to do in order to make the relationship work and comfortable.

He really needs to talk to you. My ex was like that and I pretty much told him that if he doesn't tell me what's going on in his head, I'm going to fill in the blanks which is going to be worse than anything he could tell me. I have anxiety with not knowing things and what's going on in someone else mind is one of my main triggers because I can't read minds, so people need to tell me what they're thinking.

Anti-depressants worked wonders for me but more than that, anti-psychotics work better. They allowed me to think clearly. Things that caused me anxiety didn't cause me anxiety anymore and I actually couldn't even figure out why it bothered me in the first place. I lack a lot of chemicals in my brain that others have and I also over fire chemicals that other do not. Explaining to your SO how your depression and anxiety affect you and what it feels like to you is a conversation I found usually helps a lot.

Thanks for the reply Mocha. Yeah, I've explained to him what having depression and anxiety is like, and while I think it does really help shed light onto the disease and has made him more understanding, he still says he gets really frustrated and upset with it. I feel like that's because he's dealing with his own crap, and I feel like I need to draw back some. One of my issues with being depressed/anxious is I have a tendency to overindulge - like... I really could have stopped talking about it thirty minutes ago, but noooo, I just have to keep adding supplemental information on that really doesn't need to be there to get the point across. I feel like that doesn't help, because it just puts more pressure on the subject than is necessary.

I will say right now that though my boyfriend has a stupidly hard time talking about what's going on inside of him, or being able to make those feelings out into words, I really do feel like he tries harder with me than with a lot of other people, so I appreciate it. But I just wish he wasn't so hesitant on telling me what I was doing wrong, if ever I am. (Like he didn't tell me that my depression was affecting him so severely until I managed to finally coax it out of him.) He said it was because I would get upset, and I agreed sometimes I did, but I said it was usually because he would either say it in a very snappy, mean tone (I react more to tone than the actual words), or because I would have to spend an hour getting it out of him which would run my emotions high in the first place.

I'm hesitant about trying anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, but I suppose it's all trial and error. All I know is I need to get back onto the right track.

[p_b82]

The thing that jumped out to me in your post, was that he gets high, this has a known negative effect on people's mental state and psyche, and could be worth suggesting to him that it is something he might want to reduce. I found 'everything' in life was boring when I was battling with a period of weed misuse; It just numbs almost everything in the brain - both the good and the bad all just flatline and turn grey, or should that be green lol.

the fact that you two are able to talk about the bad things, even though you both know that saying it will hurt each other a little in the process says that you have all the tools to work through this together, as when you can't get that communication then you really have to worry - as I found out myself when my LDR ended.

I hope you get to grips with your depression, it is a horrible bugger to deal with I know, and I am sure that when you are able to, whatever method your try to use to achieve it, things will improve between you both.

Good luck!

[Secrecy]

The thing that jumped out to me in your post, was that he gets high, this has a known negative effect on people's mental state and psyche, and could be worth suggesting to him that it is something he might want to reduce. I found 'everything' in life was boring when I was battling with a period of weed misuse; It just numbs almost everything in the brain - both the good and the bad all just flatline and turn grey, or should that be green lol.

the fact that you two are able to talk about the bad things, even though you both know that saying it will hurt each other a little in the process says that you have all the tools to work through this together, as when you can't get that communication then you really have to worry - as I found out myself when my LDR ended.

I hope you get to grips with your depression, it is a horrible bugger to deal with I know, and I am sure that when you are able to, whatever method your try to use to achieve it, things will improve between you both.

Good luck!

Ironic you say that it's good that we can talk to each other about most things, because the "weed misuse" subject is one subject I'm terribly hesitant to bring up to him because according to him, the only way he can stay sane in Whitby is to get high. (Again, that's terribly concerning.) While I am not particularly against using it every so often as recreation, I am terribly concerned at how he's, self-admittingly, using it as medicine, because to me it seems like that might make it lose its fun-factor as something recreationally too. Since I am not a huge smoker myself, I don't feel like I have any merit or ground or experience to actually say, "Hey, I think the weed might be causing some of this." And that he would dismiss my concerns because of this. Especially since he's hinging on it to stay sane in Whitby. It doesn't help either that most of his friends are big-time smokers, and he sees no issue with using it many nights of the week. I wouldn't so much either if I wasn't concerned at HOW he's using it and what it may or may not be doing to him.

Either way, I think I might wait to bring that up to him. If you have any time to maybe PM me and talk a little bit more about what your weed misuse did to you so I could maybe have some first-hand accounts, I would appreciate it, because that's one subject that I don't know how to approach since I know he enjoys smoking, but I think he's hanging on its affects a little too much right now to be healthy.

[TheSteelAngel]

Hang in OP. I am battling depression and anxiety too and it's not fun. Whenever I have an episode I feel like I'm a burden to everyone, especially to my SO. Poor guy has really taken a lot of crap from me these past few months. It's a wonder why he's still with me lol. I'm really iffy about taking anti depressants myself, since I hear so many bad things about them. But they are powerful and they do help. Have you gotten checked to see if you are for sure lacking chemicals in your brain? It would serve as nice proof to yourself that you may need the medication if you get those tests done.

As for your SO, men don't like talking about their feelings like you said. They'd rather be left alone and try to deal with their issues on their own. They feel like talking about anything won't do them any good so they keep quiet about it. If he gets that way, as hard as this may be try to give him so space. The self medicating through substance abuse worries me too. It can mess around with your brain and judgement and stuff, and with everyone I've known who smokes weed they just aren't themselves anymore. They're like different people when they're high and that tends to worry me.

Well if you ever need someone to talk to you can always PM me. I'm actually studying depression in school right now so all this is fresh in my brain lol

[Miasmata]

Not all men have issues talking about their feelings, FYI, it's not a universal truth, but since it's often frowned upon for men to be vulnerable, it's sadly often true.

As for depression, we really can't tell you anything that's going to be a magic fix-all. You'll have to seek therapy and find out what works for you, and the same goes for your partner. Medication, cognitive behaviour therapy, coping mechanisms, etc. are all very powerful tools for recovery and improving your life quality, but it's all highly individual. Nobody here can tell you what you should absolutely do, other than seeking a professional and figuring out YOUR path. Give yourself and your partner a chance, and try trusting people when they mean you deserve better. You are worth your efforts and you are worth your shots at happiness. Drugs, ignorance, etc. all don't fix the issue. Only proper, real therapy and selfreflection can. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

It is not just issues talking about feelings, but that many men are natural fixers, in their mind talk should end in a result, as in problem being OVER. If they don't see that happening, they are not into talking as that in their mind would only underline their lack of ability to fix.
Which is why I often underline to my man that we can't fix things until we understand what the problem is (acknowledge his competance as a fixers and teach him even more ways to fix).

If you want to help your man and your relationship, make good choices for yourself. Try out meds, therapy, something different.

[Secrecy]

Thank you all for your replies. This has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I want to throw out there that more often than not, I don't press him to talk about his thoughts or feelings or the things troubling him - but I feel that at some point, it becomes unfair to me to be left wondering all the time, especially when I have an inkling feeling that something going on up there has something to do with me. So far the only thing that he's confirmed (after a LOT of pestering for him to please talk to me) was that my depression was bothering him badly, and that's a sufficient enough answer for me. That's the only reason I've been pressing him to speak to me because how can I know anything I'm doing wrong if I'm not told? He told me it's because he doesn't want me upset, but I get more upset when he doesn't freely let me know that he doesn't appreciate something I am, or am not doing. That is the only time I pester him to talk about his feelings is if they deal with me directly, because that's only fair, right? How can I know anything otherwise?

As for my depression, I am going to counseling. It is helping to an extent, but I'm having a hard time applying the things she teaches me to my actual life, so it's why I'm considering antidepressants. I know that my severe depression isn't helping our relationship any (especially lately), and it took no convincing for me to go to therapy. One of the reasons I went is because I want my crap together before I close the distance with him, so I can have a fresh start and clean hands. I don't want to sabotage our relationship with this.

[Kapwned]

I wouldn't be so quick to self diagnose him with depression. Depression is when there is no known source that can rid him of his depressed state. It sounds like he has sources to his depression. For one thing, he needs to stop relying on weed. It's fine to smoke on occasion, a lot of people have their reasons, but if it's as an escape that's not good. As others have said, weed can actually have adverse affects on ones mental health given what is in it (weed is not 100% all natural and organic).

Also, it sounds like he is literally bored with his life. As someone who lives in a very small town, I would know. There's no where to go and no one to hang out with so you just stay inside all day. You lack social interaction, there are less opportunities and things to keep your mind stimulated and this can make one feel depressed.

[Miasmata]

I wouldn't be so quick to self diagnose him with depression. Depression is when there is no known source that can rid him of his depressed state. It sounds like he has sources to his depression.

Cautious - Depression can be caused/intensified by many factors. Whether it's clinical decision or not is up to a professional to find out (which, again, leads me to saying that the SO has to see someone about this!), none of us here can really make that call. But the point is, when it already affects both his ability to function and his relationship, something has to happen. Talking to a professional won't hurt.

[Secrecy]

I wouldn't be so quick to self diagnose him with depression. Depression is when there is no known source that can rid him of his depressed state. It sounds like he has sources to his depression. For one thing, he needs to stop relying on weed. It's fine to smoke on occasion, a lot of people have their reasons, but if it's as an escape that's not good. As others have said, weed can actually have adverse affects on ones mental health given what is in it (weed is not 100% all natural and organic).

Also, it sounds like he is literally bored with his life. As someone who lives in a very small town, I would know. There's no where to go and no one to hang out with so you just stay inside all day. You lack social interaction, there are less opportunities and things to keep your mind stimulated and this can make one feel depressed.

Thanks for your reply, Kap. When I say he has depression, I don't necessarily mean clinical, which is what I have - there is such a thing as situational depression, and in his case, I'm fairly certain he has it. He's gone through bouts like this before and once the situation improved, he tended to improve as well. However, as you mentioned, he's now in a completely new environment with a lot less going on, and a lot less to relieve his frustrations on. I've never seen him this bad before, and I'm sure the change in location has a lot to do with it.

Cautious - Depression can be caused/intensified by many factors. Whether it's clinical decision or not is up to a professional to find out (which, again, leads me to saying that the SO has to see someone about this!), none of us here can really make that call. But the point is, when it already affects both his ability to function and his relationship, something has to happen. Talking to a professional won't hurt.

I agree Miasmata. I don't know if I can get him to talk to a professional, or if it's even necesary. I'm hoping once the weather clears in his area, and it becomes nice out (Yay Canadian winters), he'll be able to relax some and enjoy doing some of the things he likes to do, which tend to be outside-reated activities like wander and bike ride and the like.

[Miasmata]

The tricky part is that regardless of whether it's situational depression or clinical, it can look like he's getting better without actually doing that. That happened with my own depression quite a lot until I finally acknowledged the problem - I took every good day as evidence that I'm not depressed anymore, even though that was completely misguided. Depressed people are still capable of having good days. I'd say suggest it to him either way, and if it's "just" so he can deal with the depressed feelings better whenever they happen. Learning how to deal with depression, regardless of whether it's situational or clinical, is a huge help.

[Happygirl123]

I myself cannot relate on a personal level, but my SO suffers from PTSD due to experiences in the army. actually, he came back from Afghanistan not long ago.
it's difficult at times to be on the outside, and deal with his sudden mood changes, or he might become distant all of a sudden. but the main thing, is to keep communication open. please don't blame yourself, don't allow yourself to spiral down the route of blame. its not your fault. ldr's are hard, mental illnesses make it harder, but you shouldn't blame yourself for any of this.

I agree with some of the previous posts, focus on trying new methods of treatment, look towards the (very near) future and make joyous plans. always be open with each other.