I want her back more than anything

[ldrhbk]

Hello everyone, this is may be my first post, and possibly my only post, but one thing is for sure - I need the help of this community, please.

To cut the long story short:

I've been with my ldr gf now for 4 years, we had a point where things went horribly wrong for us due to a major event that left me unable to trust her, we got out of this phase though and carried on, though as a result we were arguing more and jealousy would occasionaly pop into the relationship. In any case, the relationship carried on, we were focused on getting her here and living together, being together. We were totally in love no matter what. A few months ago we started the process for a marriage visa for her to come here and finally be with me forever...previous to this we had flown over to each other many times.

Sadly during the 2 year spell of arguements, I'd started developing depression, which came to a head about 2 weeks ago where I started to push away friends family and even her, asking her to dump me, making her feel unwanted and snapping at her for not understanding me, I was in a dark horrible place and didn't know what I was doing, I take full responsibility for what happened though, I can't hide behind that as an excuse.

We had a huge argument, probably the only one where I've raised my voice ever, I said some things that were personal and I didnt mean, I hurt her badly, she is already a sensitive and very loving girl...she even said she would go ahead with me when I asked her to leave me a week previous to this in a state of depression. But this was the straw that broke the camels back.

We spoke following the argument a few days later on a sunday, she made it clear that her heart was torn on staying or going, she was crying badly, I was too, I felt like I was about to lose something huge and so did she, she said over and over that she couldn't decide, started hyperventialating, crying and almost fainted, to day ive never seen anything more heartbreaking, it made me cry. I managed to calm her down and soothed her, we lay down together with our webcams connecting us through skype, spoke about the good times, the funny times, she said she felt safe with me and that she loved me, I asked her if I could take a picture of her incase its the last time, she started weeping and begged me not to say that, she asked if I'd stay in contact with her if she ended it, she asked if she could come back if she knew she made a mistake, she knew that taking a break wouldnt work either and she asked me what it was that I loved about her.

She cried more than ive ever seen her cry...even typing this im in tears, I miss her more than anything ive missed in my life, and Im blaming myself for ever letting this depression overtake me and make her feel like she was no good for me. I just want her back, she was scared of coming here because of the arguments and I drove her away.

As it stands now ive started a course of cognitive behavioural therapy twice a week, reading three books on coping with depression, relationship management and cbt, going to the doctors to discuss other types of treatment and am making it aware at work so I can stop overworking myself (which was always a huge concern and irk of hers)

I spoke to her mum who says she misses me, shes still seems torn over her decision and shes crying still, its been 1 week and 2 days since our break up. My ex gf will not make any attempt to contact me back, its gonna have to be me, thats what her mum said, but she also said I shouldnt bother till about 3 weeks, maybe a bit longer, my ex gf has stressed to her mum that all she cares about is me getting help, as thats what caused this to happen in the first place, she still loves me too, shes said this several times.

As I see it now...I want her back more than anything ive ever wanted, I love her deeply and its killing me inside, and I know it is for her too...but for now ive decided to just wait a month, maybe 5 weeks and continue with these therapy sessions, intensively till then, to show I want to make a change and make her feel safe to come here.

Any advice? Similair stories? Should I give up? Should I do things differently? Anything would be appreciated, thank you.

[ldrhbk]

I would also like to add that I sent her passport back to her a day before we broke up, and put a love note in there, she knows when it was sent as I was helping her track it, should I ask her mum to remove the note incase it pushes her further away?

[Miasmata]

1 week is not long at all since a breakup. I really do think you are doing everything right here - Giving her time, and especially taking care of your mental health yourself. You've seen it firsthand how mental health issues can and will affect a relationship when they go unchecked. The best you can do is focus on your mental health now, make substantial changes for yourself, develop coping mechanisms, etc. and, as hard as it is, leave her be. No love notes, no pestering, no lonely messages. The best way you can show that you're making changes is to commit to them, and not focus on her now. There is no guarantee that she will give you another chance, but you are not improving your chances by not giving her space. Let her be, and do what you need for yourself now.

Best of luck

[p_b82]

Personally, being a sufferer of depression I think you have done absolutely everything that you can in order to put things right at home, and you should start to see the improvements of the therapy in due course - You are one step ahead of me there, as I am not yet 'strong' enough to go find a therapist to talk to.

I think as well there is a time to give space, and a time to act, and it seems to me that as you are the one that needs to make the move, if delaying it is only for the sake of allowing time to pass, and you really feel that you have made a mistake and are on the right track to put things right, then reaching out to her, in a tentative fashion would be my move of choice.

Personally I find when my mind settles on something I want to say or do, I can't hold it in for all too long without it 'bugging' me if I then don't say it.

I suppose you have to balance the risk of speaking too soon, vs seeing the improvements of the therapy; but it sounds to me like you would have her support, and there is not going to be an instant magic wand, it will take time to 'fix' you and the damage the depression has caused.

My advice would be to reach out, let her know how you feel, how sorry you are, and how you are already working on your issues; if that is enough, then I would have imagined that things will work out between you two. If there is too much damage done, or you wait too long before you do so, you might not ever be able to repair this one, and you have to chalk it down to one of those really nasty life lessons.

Good luck either way it works out, will be a tough road for you for a bit I think!

[Kapwned]

Definitely give it time but don't give it a timeline. Right now you are both emotional and you need to be at a calm and stable state before making any decisions. Right now it seems like you're scared you will miss this magical window of opportunity to fix things. Be prepared for the fact that she might feel it's best to just part ways. As much as one might love someone and want to be there for them no matter how much they're suffering, they can be just as harmful to you. I had to cut someone important out of my life because while they were caught up in their own mental issues they didn't stop to think of how it was affecting me and they got into the realm of verbally abusive and manipulative.

As you said, mental illness is not always an excuse for your actions, or well, what results from your actions. She has the right to take care of herself as well and verbal manipulation and abuse are not things one should put up with. You should take the steps to better yourself for yourself not simply to get a girl back (which I'm sure you are). They say you can't love someone else until you can love yourself.

[Unconditional]

I don't know if the passport note has been addressed. I say keep it in there. It may be something that brings her back to you in the future perhaps.

[ldrhbk]

Great advice from everyone - I just got a message from her thanking me for the passport that just arrived, she didnt need to message and am surprised that she did anyway considering I was under the impression she wasn't going to message for atleast a long while, just messaged back 'My pleasure [name] Glad it made it safely' right way to go about it? Should I just leave it from this point and wait?

[Unconditional]

Yes, just leave the ball in her court now. If she wants to come around, in due time she will.