Need advice for LDR

[Josh]

So to start off I would like to say this may be kind of long. I'll try to space out the sections and do my best. This is my first time posting and I need advice with my situation. Thanks for reading in advance.

This is the first LDR I've ever been in and I never thought of myself as the type to hold this relationship. I met her during the end of summer and wasn't looking for a relationship. We met online as she is a friend of one of my friends and she so happened to just add me on a day and we started talking. We seemed to hit it off and just click. Instantly I found myself enjoying my time just talking with this girl.

Eventually we started to flirt and after only 3 months of knowing each other called it official and wanted to know that we were in a relationship. We started discussing so we could meet in a month when she flew down to spend time with her family (we live in the same state but she lives in a rural area that I can only get to by plane). She was only there for a couple days and I got to spend some of 1 day meeting her.

We hit it off and clicked just as we did over messaging. I went to her hotel when her parents were away and her older sister was there. (Her dad isn't approving of anything and he's a drunk). We knew we wanted to keep in a relationship and would have to remain a LDR except once every other month when I could manage to make it down to see her.

So I decided to plan for the month after to fly down to take her to a ball. I stayed at one of their family friends places and saw her during her lunch at school (she is a sophomore and I am a senior) and when she went to the library after school for hours her mother is the librarian.

This worked out ok and we had a blast at the ball until we got into one of our first minor fights. It bothered me that at the dance she was all over one of her ex's and my friend (they were tickling each other and she was jumping on his back). She told me she was sorry and that she didn't mean anything by it and that they are best friends I already knew this but it still bothered me. She told me it wouldn't happen again and that she doesn't need anyones touching but mine.

We moved past the issue without any arguing and I had to leave soon to fly back. She and I continued to message each other and she would call me all the time to talk when her father was away and it was great we flirted and were intimate with each other on a level I didn't know I could have. We seemed to share a bond just by talking and expressing ourselves I wanted to know all about her day and she mine.

I visited her again and stayed at a friends house for a week so that I could see her during her lunch and after school at the library. She wasnt aloud to go out because her father doesn't let her go anywhere I've met her mother and she seems a very nice woman who likes me.

She wanted to see me again after the next month and offered to fly me down with her own money so she could see me again everything was great as always and we continued to talk on the phone everyday. Though things started to slow down and she told me she wouldn't be able to fly me down because her father wouldn't let her have any of her own money from working for the next 4 months because of some reason and she told me she was broke from having to buy her own flight to see her sister.

This was the start of me having bad thoughts I wanted her to be happy so I was ok with her wanting to see her sister but when our plans fell through she seemed to not care all that much. so during my spring break I remained home instead of going to see her. The next week I had to go on my trip to California for engineering and during the trip we still continued to talk until the last couple of days when she had to delete her Facebook account because her dad found out she had one besides the one he monitors.

So she has to talk to me now on this monitored Facebook account and had to delete her old one we rarely talk anymore our communication has died down to maybe a message a day if Im lucky or a message every other day. I haven't talked to her on skype in 3 months and haven't spoken to her on the phone in over a month. I told her that we rarely talk and it hurts me.

She explains that she's been busy studying for her ACT she wants to graduate early next year so she can be with me and her father took her phone away for no reason. So Im left with no communication with her other than maybe a message a day. It's making me have doubts that she doesn't care because she will have not talked to me for a whole day but will post pictures to Instagram and with her new account she isn't in a relationship it seems as though we have to keep our relationship a secret but she goes on to talk to her friends all the time and post pictures to Instagram but rarely speaks to me.

I feel like I should wait for her tests to be over and maybe then we can continue to pick up and talk a lot and enjoy our relationship again but it just seems like we are moving back and she is drifting away.

I would like some advice on what may be happening or what I could do to help the relationship, any advice or knowledge on this would be great

Im sorry I gave almost the whole story but I think every experience is unique and helps build what the relationship is so you can seem to feel how I do about my other half and how I've never felt this way before

[Unconditional]

Idk what to tell you, until she's 18 there's nothing she can really do about it. Dad's house, dad's rules.
That being said, I am sure she wishes she could talk to you more so stop worrying about that.

[Harlequin]

I'm not entirely sure what you want her to do considering her dad monitors everything she does. I'm going to make a wild guess and assume that going against her father, who's a control freak and an alcoholic, will come with some truly horrible consequences. She's lived with this man her entire life, which means she has a good idea of what he's like and how he responds to things. If she isn't trying all that hard to break his rules, there's a reason for it.

She's probably posting what she's posting, because that's all her dad is okay with. He's probably monitoring her instagram, her phone, etc. I feel confident saying this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her own personal safety. She probably wishes she could talk to you more and interact with you more, but at the end of the day, her safety comes first and should be her priority. My advice is to start looking at it that way, and learn to be patient with her. Don't think about this in regards to how it impacts you, because it really has very minimal impact. Don't fault her for things she can't control, be patient, and let her focus on trying to get out of her situation.

[Josh]

Thank you for the outlook, I try to look at it positive but I've never felt this strong about someone and it scares me to know I could lose her. It's giving me huge insecurities but I'll try to be patient and understanding.

[Harlequin]

That's understandable. Whenever you have such strong feelings for someone, it makes you feel so much more vulnerable since they've just sorta won you over so completely. It can be scary when there's a lot of unknown thrown into the mix, because you don't want to lose them and you don't want to get hurt. Even if the answers are obvious from an outside perspective, sometimes it can be really difficult to keep your head on straight when it's your own personal struggle. 'Cause when it's your own personal struggle, you feel like you have more to lose than those who are just spectators do.

It's going to be hard just by nature of long distance, and unfortunately her father is making this much harder. You're going to get scared, and you're going to worry over really small things, but you gotta keep reminding yourself that there's a lot of BS going on that neither of you can control, and you'll get through it.

[Josh]

Yeah it really feels different when you're the one who feels that they are about to lose everything. Yeah I get bad thoughts a lot over small things even when I can already see the bigger picture. I just really needed clarification and words to hold on to. I needed to get my story out because I feel that everyone's story is different and in that it makes the situation unique so thank you for taking the time to read it and make my day better. I'll try to keep strong and see this relationship through I really do love her.

[p_b82]

I think that Harlequin has hit the nail on the head with her advice.

My advice will be to not force the issue too much with her - if you let yourself direct your frustation at her it will put a lot of pressure on her, and the relationship. I made that mistake in my own, for very different reasons and it was one of the major factors in our break up.

While you do love her a lot, you do need to consider whether a relationship with her on these terms is something that makes you happy. If it doesn't, as painful as the thought is, you might have to walk away due to circumstances. I say this because:
What happens if her dad never stops monitoring her phone, she is not able to talk to you at all, and when she does it is 'small talk/sterile' you continue to see her having 'fun' with her other friends on instagram, and you continue to pine and feel lonely miserable and uninvolved?

just because you love a person, that is not a way to live yourself longer term, so all I say is just be aware enough yourself to know what you are prepared to accept or not under these circumstances.

[Josh]

I think that Harlequin has hit the nail on the head with her advice.

My advice will be to not force the issue too much with her - if you let yourself direct your frustation at her it will put a lot of pressure on her, and the relationship. I made that mistake in my own, for very different reasons and it was one of the major factors in our break up.

While you do love her a lot, you do need to consider whether a relationship with her on these terms is something that makes you happy. If it doesn't, as painful as the thought is, you might have to walk away due to circumstances. I say this because:
What happens if her dad never stops monitoring her phone, she is not able to talk to you at all, and when she does it is 'small talk/sterile' you continue to see her having 'fun' with her other friends on instagram, and you continue to pine and feel lonely miserable and uninvolved?

just because you love a person, that is not a way to live yourself longer term, so all I say is just be aware enough yourself to know what you are prepared to accept or not under these circumstances.

Yeah it's definitely something I need to confront. I think when she has time to sit down and talk to me I'll explain that we have to come to a negotiation about our communication and how going days without speaking isn't working for me and isn't healthy for our relationship but before that I need to really take some time to think about everything you lovely people on this site have brought up.