Reassurance

[jenlee11]

Hey all, I'm in some need of some reassurance. Recently my ex and I got back together. We had an LDR some 5 years ago, and over almost a year of full contact (and sporadic contact over the years) and beating around the bush we've rekindled it. He came to see me before his deployment and it was perfect. We talked future and me moving to him when he gets home. Sounds perfect right?
I'm being insecure about some dumb things. He was with a girl for about three years and she left him when he joined the military. He said he might have married her if he didn't. Sort of hurt my feelings a bit, because being a woman I like to think that I'm the only one he wants to marry ever and I know that's just my head and in reality it shouldn't matter much. Anyways, I asked him about it again and he said that it would never have worked with her because they're not compatible on that level really. Okay I felt better. Then he says she texted him "hi". Out of no where, when they hadn't spoken in a year. Good timing. He said he just said hi back to see what she wanted, she said something about her time hop had a bunch of pics of them on it so she felt the need to say hi, and he responded with "well hello", and I don't know if there was anymore conversation or not. He said he has no interest in being involved with her in any way. But why is it killing me right now? We're just starting over and I've been waiting so long for this. Maybe I'm just worried? Jealous she got to spend a lot of physical time with him? He did come back to me right after her though...
Blah. Getting back into an LDR is hard.
I know he loves me. Hands down. He would be honest with me if something was going on. I personally want to ask him to delete her off of facebook and get rid of the damn pictures of them off of there. But I don't want to be that person. He said he doesn't want to put anything about is on facebook till he's back, which I understand because last time he got deployed I kind of misunderstood his intentions and dated someone else. Long story.
Maybe when he's back I can ask him to finally take down pictures of them? Give it some time I guess?
I know how obsessive and crazy this sounds. Just worried. If I lost him again id just be so devastated. I already lost him once.
Thanks. Sorry for the long post.

[snow_girl]

I get where you are coming from, a lot. However, just as I have to, you also need to learn to deal with outsiders. It is not your place to tell him to delete people off his friends list, there are definitely a few on my SOs I'd delete if I had the choice... but I don't. He can also talk to who he likes and that is where trust comes in. There are also pics of my SO with his ex on facebook, but I don't look at them. You can't erase the past. He is with you now and thats what matters.

Telling him who he can and can't talk to, be friends with etc is the quickest way to lose someone.

[jenlee11]

Yeah I definitely didn't want to tell him that he can't talk to someone, he knows how I feel about it without me having to say anything about it, and i know hell respect that. I guess eventually we'll be able to have our own pictures on there. I trust that he wouldn't act on anything but I'd rather her just leave him alone. I guess this is just my adjustment period to being in this sort of relationship again. I was pretty young last time and now were both adults with our own lives so I need to get used to this. It's a lot different than it was five years ago.
Thank you

[Kapwned]

It was just one time, don't start creating an issue that doesn't exist yet. You're thinking very possessively. Are the photos immediately under his photos on Facebook?

Granted remember you are by no means entitled to demanding or requiring that he remove her from his life in any form. But what you could do is casually mention that it's always kind of awkward when you go to look at photos of him and old photos of the two of them are like right there within view.

I kind of said that to my current boyfriend. He isn't very active on Facebook but his ex really liked to flaunt their relationship. I just mentioned that I wasn't really paying attention to the dates I just noticed the profile bombarded with photos of him and this other girl so at first it was quite the shocker (which is true). He proceeded to remove them.

I'll admit it is really awkward seeing photos of your SO with someone else. You get a sense of jealousy but remember they broke up for a reason and he is with you now (and again) for a reason.

[p_b82]

I think you are letting your insecurities get the better of you here if I am honest - but as said already, you can't tell a person who or who not to talk to without it having consequences.

I have got pictures of me and both my ex's on FB, while I am not with either of them now - nor are they actually on my FB lists any-more either, they were part of my life, and as such I won't remove that. Neither of them have ended happily, so it is not as if I look back at those times with much more than "oh those were happier times in my life" or "I remember that day, that scenery was wonderful"

Should I meet some-one new, the pictures of her would then fulfill that same role, and the process just continues; I think there is a dangerous line where it is expected that suddenly something in the past is no longer allowed to be felt or reflected on, without it being seen as something negative.

[jenlee11]

Thank you guys for your responses, it's nice to have a good community to go to about my concerns, I know I'm not alone in it. He brought it up last night that she never texted him back and followed it by how he doesn't want to do anything to make me feel uneasy. So yeah I made a bigger deal about it than it was.

[whatruckus]

I get where you're coming from. My SO's ex (before me) he was with on-and-off for years and she was "with" him during his deployment ('with' is in quotes because they were on-and-off during that time too, even though he's dated other girls since he's been back [2009]), he was also engaged to her when he was deployed, even though they were on-and-off. She occasionally still texts him, even though they had a really bad break up (she's a cheater and a liar, always has been, which is why they broke up so many times). He wants nothing to do with her, but he'll still text her back sometimes to see what she wants, or just to be "nice" (sometimes it's annoying how nice he is ). So, I definitely understand where the jealousy and insecurity comes from. But, yours has stated she hasn't texted him back since and they haven't talked. Nor does yours want to make you feel insecure.

I would say don't worry about it. Unless she tries to contact him again, then I'd be a little bit like "Ummmm", but even still. This girl doesn't seem like my SO's ex. Who is crazy, and will text mine that she misses him (even though she has a boyfriend and lives with him!). For instance, just a few months ago she sent him a cryptic text saying, "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be around, but I just want you know that I've always loved you," to which he replied, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Lol. So yea, definitely don't worry about her. Especially if they haven't contacted each other in about a year before she texted him. I believe her story of TimeHop, it brings up things you don't want to see sometimes.

[jenlee11]

I get where you're coming from. My SO's ex (before me) he was with on-and-off for years and she was "with" him during his deployment ('with' is in quotes because they were on-and-off during that time too, even though he's dated other girls since he's been back [2009]), he was also engaged to her when he was deployed, even though they were on-and-off. She occasionally still texts him, even though they had a really bad break up (she's a cheater and a liar, always has been, which is why they broke up so many times). He wants nothing to do with her, but he'll still text her back sometimes to see what she wants, or just to be "nice" (sometimes it's annoying how nice he is ). So, I definitely understand where the jealousy and insecurity comes from. But, yours has stated she hasn't texted him back since and they haven't talked. Nor does yours want to make you feel insecure.

I would say don't worry about it. Unless she tries to contact him again, then I'd be a little bit like "Ummmm", but even still. This girl doesn't seem like my SO's ex. Who is crazy, and will text mine that she misses him (even though she has a boyfriend and lives with him!). For instance, just a few months ago she sent him a cryptic text saying, "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be around, but I just want you know that I've always loved you," to which he replied, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Lol. So yea, definitely don't worry about her. Especially if they haven't contacted each other in about a year before she texted him. I believe her story of TimeHop, it brings up things you don't want to see sometimes.

Seems like you know exactly how I feel about it lol. I don't think she's said she misses him, he'd tell me. And yeah I get him being nice even though he doesn't care about her, which is true in my case too. I've felt a lot better after asking about it on here and how he's been telling me about it without me asking because he understands.
Thanks!