Would this bother you?

[Secrecy]

Okay, so this may be a petty problem, but I'd like your guys' thoughts on it. I've come to find I get somewhat upset at my boyfriend's lack of texting throughout the day. This is by no means a deal breaker, but something I would appreciate him doing a little bit more of.

Essentially, my boyfriend has told me he just doesn't like texting. It's not a matter of him being too busy to do it usually - he just doesn't do it. He does call nightly for about an hour or two, but anytime before that, he is mostly silent. When I text him and be actually does respond back, it's usually very short answers. He said he just can't be bothered to put the effort into texting.

I told him my main issue was that I only get so much time with him a day, while his friends see him almost all day every day. At moments, I feel like I'm put on the backburner in favor of them. I'm not asking for him to be texting me all day every day (as I don't particularly like texting either honestly, but I do put more effort into utilizing the methods of communication we have since we can't see each other face to face, whereas he does not), but a little more effort would be appreciated. As a side note, I know he does this with pretty much everyone when it comes to texting, not just me.

I'm just wondering if I'm justified in feeling this way or not. Part of me says yes, that effort should be put in, while the other part of me says no, because I am spoiled by talking to him every night, and saving the topics I would normally talk to via text for phone conversations usually gives us more to talk about.

What do you guys think? I really don't want something so simple to be a bone of contention. Honestly, I'm just trying to convince myself that the nightly calls are enough and sometimes a second opinion helps.

[differentcountries]

Can he do it in a different way, like send you pictures or short videos/short skype convos?

How is his daily life?

[RyanTheAsianBoy]

Use Snapchat!

[snow_girl]

Honestly I don't think its justified to feel this way. You say he talks to you on the phone for an hour every night, thats pretty awesome. He doesnt like texting regardless of who it is yet he does respond to your texts. I think that the fact that he spends his evening talking to you and having his full attention is a pretty big commitment. You can't compare who he hangs out with in person to the amount of text he should send you. I would love to talk to my SO everyday but he isn't much of a phone talker so I make due with texting. When it gets to be two or three days without hearing his voice I'll call but I won't make it an hour call, we'll talk a bit. I can't force him to like talking on the phone but I"m happy he does it occasionally. I think you need to look at all the things he does do to communicate with you and not worry so much about more texts... which in my experience are usually pretty dumb and don't have much substance to them.

[differentcountries]

Emicons on Viber is what we use the most. It might be silly, but when he sends me a flower on Viber, or a kiss, I really enjoy that. SO varies very in how much he texts and contacts me during the day. We usually Skype for half an hour most evenings. Sometimes I wish he would be a bit more elaborate in texting a he is usually very short on text (unless when he talks freely with me CD and he talks in long, poetic sentences. He says he envies me that I can text more and write him letters and stuff, he just doesnt know how to do it and as far as I know, the small card that he wrote me of one sentence (in Norwegian) is the full extent of the written stuff he has done. He texts his relatives sometimes, and his mates, but they are all shortt texts like that ones I get. I guess my point is that is he is doing his best, that is his best. Perhaps he does other stuff that you like? We all have such different ways of expressing ourselves.

[whatruckus]

Honestly I don't think its justified to feel this way. You say he talks to you on the phone for an hour every night, thats pretty awesome. He doesnt like texting regardless of who it is yet he does respond to your texts. I think that the fact that he spends his evening talking to you and having his full attention is a pretty big commitment. You can't compare who he hangs out with in person to the amount of text he should send you. I would love to talk to my SO everyday but he isn't much of a phone talker so I make due with texting. When it gets to be two or three days without hearing his voice I'll call but I won't make it an hour call, we'll talk a bit. I can't force him to like talking on the phone but I"m happy he does it occasionally. I think you need to look at all the things he does do to communicate with you and not worry so much about more texts... which in my experience are usually pretty dumb and don't have much substance to them.

This.

I mean, yes it sucks, but honestly...if you learn not to make a big deal about it, you get used to it. I used to get pretty annoyed at my SO too for the same reason, and he would say the same thing. He hates texting, and never texts anyone else, so I'm happy he texts me at all, as rare and sporadic it is. Plus, we talk a lot on Facebook Messenger. That's our form of communication. At least yours calls you every night. Mine doesn't even do that. He'll call every once in a while because he hates talking on the phone too, as do I.

The only time I bring up my SO's friends is when he starts not talking to me on Facebook as much either (which happens sometimes). All I remind him is that we're not like other couples, and it's not like we can just call each other up (or text) and hang out within minutes, like he could do with his friends. So, communication through text, phone call, or Facebook is all we have. All I really want is one form of communication that is somewhat reliable, which like I said, is Facebook Messenger.

Also, I'd like to mention, that even when you do see your SO in person, I highly doubt you guys are talking a lot. I know when I'm with mine, we don't really talk a lot. We just enjoy each other's company. So, I guess what I'm getting at is that it's not that big of a deal if he doesn't text you a lot, because he does call you every day. And, some people just aren't that talkative, I know I'm not, and I certainly know my SO isn't.

[snow]

I agree with the ladies above me. If he was cutting you out but texted everyone else, then you'd have a reason to be upset, but if texting is just not his thing, but he calls you daily for an hour, this is how your relationship is going to be.
Don't fix something that's not broken.

[Kapwned]

It really irks me when people try to tell someone what is and isn't enough or too much in a relationship. Obviously there are points when it's just way too much and reaching the realm of unhealthy, but it is your relationship. It's not any of ours. This is between you and him to decide. Some couples can text non stop all day no problem and not annoy each other, while others can deal with an hour call in the evening and not hear from each other otherwise and be totally content. Some couples co-exist while others are partners. It's about the wants and needs that the two of you have.

You are fine to request more time with him if that's what you desire. But remember to weigh your needs vs. wants. Wants are not things you want to cause conflict over, but you are not in the wrong for at least inquiring (which you've already technically done, so...).

If he doesn't like texting maybe you should ask what he'd like to do if he's willing. Perhaps it's not the texting you want, but maybe you'd just like to feel more like a daily part of his life? Maybe you'd like to compensate for the lack of time together physically by communicating more on and off throughout the day? Maybe he's not seeing why you'd enjoy these things and why you would request them. But in the end it may not be his thing.

[snow_girl]

It really irks me when people try to tell someone what is and isn't enough or too much in a relationship.

She specifically asked what people thought.

[Polly]

I would be so happy for a phone call every night! I only get a call twice a week. On top of that my boyfriend isn't big into texting, so there have been days where 6 hours go by between texts.

If you're getting some form of communication every day it shows he is making the effort.

[Secrecy]

I want to thank you all for putting things into perspective for me. While I know it's ultimately my decision on what I feel is right or wrong in my relationship, having a second opinion helps TO put things into perspective, especially when it's overwhelmingly the same consensus. I will say right now that because, when he's not at home, he's spending, literally, almost all of his free time with his friends, really any other form of communication isn't an option, sadly.

It really irks me when people try to tell someone what is and isn't enough or too much in a relationship.

They're fine to do that because I asked. I believe you replied to one of my prior threads (maybe?) but as you may have remembered reading, I've been suffering from bouts of depression and anxiety, though albeit it's cleared up in the passed few days. (Maybe I'm starting to get over the hump?) The reason I like to ask others these kinds of questions is because, oftentimes, my anxiety about something can skew reality. Because of said anxiety, if I get slightly miffed about something, it can get blown out of proportion, and I can start obsessing about it. Turning to a forum to ask these kinds of questions and getting a second perspective really helps set things into place in my mind. I've come to find that while it's true no one can really tell me what's right or wrong about my relationship, as it's MINE, when many people have the same general answer and perspective about things over and over again, it turns out to be the most logical, rational answer and is usually healthy to apply to the relationship. Right now I need logic and rationality, which is why I appreciate people giving me another perspective on things.

[Kapwned]

I know and my point was that perhaps it's best for it to purely be up to her and her boyfriend as they define the boundaries of their relationship. To some of us what she wants may come off as clingy, while to others it's a regular part of their relationship.

It may just leave her feeling more unsure of herself. And I also feel she shouldn't necessarily feel bad for wanting such a thing as long as she is handling it maturely, respectfully, and doesn't turn it into something it isn't in the long run.

[TaraMarie]

Back in the day we didn't have text messaging, or social media. We had a phone.....not even voicemail. We had to wait for a call. Ans sometimes we missed it. And it sucked. But we survived. You will too.

[TheSteelAngel]

Honestly I don't think its justified to feel this way. You say he talks to you on the phone for an hour every night, thats pretty awesome. He doesnt like texting regardless of who it is yet he does respond to your texts. I think that the fact that he spends his evening talking to you and having his full attention is a pretty big commitment. You can't compare who he hangs out with in person to the amount of text he should send you. I would love to talk to my SO everyday but he isn't much of a phone talker so I make due with texting. When it gets to be two or three days without hearing his voice I'll call but I won't make it an hour call, we'll talk a bit. I can't force him to like talking on the phone but I"m happy he does it occasionally. I think you need to look at all the things he does do to communicate with you and not worry so much about more texts... which in my experience are usually pretty dumb and don't have much substance to them.

^^This. I used to feel the same as you OP. I'd get annoyed that my SO didn't text me nearly as enough than he did before we started dating. In our case it was because he started getting swamped with work. But then I stopped to think about it and I realized that he does respond to me, even though he's so busy. He calls me even when he's tired just because he feels bad about neglecting me, which he hasn't at all. It just seemed like that because when you love someone so much, your emotions get all crazy on you. I suggest you stop and think about how your SO responds to your texts too and when he does respond to you make you thank him and tell him that you appreciate him answering you. A little kindness can go a long way. Good luck

[Kapwned]

I want to thank you all for putting things into perspective for me. While I know it's ultimately my decision on what I feel is right or wrong in my relationship, having a second opinion helps TO put things into perspective, especially when it's overwhelmingly the same consensus. I will say right now that because, when he's not at home, he's spending, literally, almost all of his free time with his friends, really any other form of communication isn't an option, sadly.



They're fine to do that because I asked. I believe you replied to one of my prior threads (maybe?) but as you may have remembered reading, I've been suffering from bouts of depression and anxiety, though albeit it's cleared up in the passed few days. (Maybe I'm starting to get over the hump?) The reason I like to ask others these kinds of questions is because, oftentimes, my anxiety about something can skew reality. Because of said anxiety, if I get slightly miffed about something, it can get blown out of proportion, and I can start obsessing about it. Turning to a forum to ask these kinds of questions and getting a second perspective really helps set things into place in my mind. I've come to find that while it's true no one can really tell me what's right or wrong about my relationship, as it's MINE, when many people have the same general answer and perspective about things over and over again, it turns out to be the most logical, rational answer and is usually healthy to apply to the relationship. Right now I need logic and rationality, which is why I appreciate people giving me another perspective on things.

I usually find it's best to just sleep on such things. I experience a lot of anxiety as well and I usually keep my worries and such to myself and vent via blogs or friends until I'm in a more neutral state of mind. If later on the next day I still feel the same I may talk to him about it or just suck it up and leave it be. And I trust you've been honest about your anxiety and what it can do to you to your partner. One day you may be living together and you may not be able to hide it and have as much time to think on it.

Some people get emotional or sensitive at times and as long as it isn't a frequent or extreme thing that causes conflict then you have no reason to feel bad and you should definitely feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with him. And he should feel comfortable enough with you to respectfully disagree (and vice versa). I doubt you'd bawl your eyes out claiming he doesn't love you because he doesn't want to text you more frequently. But you are okay to feel a little bummed that you aren't one of those couples who send each other cute texts on and off all day.

I'm just the type who can be very hesitant to ask people for relationship advice because more often than not (especially on the internet) you will run into people who lack subtlety and leave you feeling bad about yourself. What is too much and not enough will definitely vary per person and relationship. You will run into people who are like "Dear lord, you are needy! Jeez, give him some space!" And then you will run into those who are much needier than you and may want to encourage you to do stuff that would definitely cross your SO's boundaries. And personally for me the more variety of answers I get the more I become unsure of what to do. I just wanted to make sure the responses here didn't leave you feeling bad about yourself because you wished to have a little more of something in your relationship.