I'm desperate for advice :(

[Haylsie94]

i've been lying to my long distance boyfriend who i've fell madly in love with, about my identity. it started off as me using a picture of my older sister online instead of my own, yes i suffer from bad anxiety, and confidence, and self esteem issues, and i'm 21 years old, so i know my behavior is not normal and probably indicates some undiagnosed crazy mental probelm =/ . but anyways, he fell in love with my sisters looks, but my personality, we've been together for nearly 5 months, we skype every day from morning to night and he goes on cam to me alot, but he still thinks i'm my sister, and i only went and made it worse by saying that i'd be able to travel all the way to hungary to him on the 13th of this month, only i can not, i can't afford it and i don't know how to tell him, i've lied through my back teeth and i'm hurting ever so much about it, i'm crying myself to sleep most nights, because i love him so much and i know that this could really hurt him and probably put him in a state of depression, i just can't stand the thought of hurting someone else, making them ill because of my pathetic lies, i want so much to find a way out of this but i don't see how it's possible now, i made plans to just leave without a trace but i really thought about it and all the times we've spent together, and how in love i really am with this man and how happy he makes me, that i couldn't just leave him, i couldn't stand the thought of leaving him, for him to be hurt, cut up, upset, and blowing up my skype day in and day out with messages . i know that what i've done is beyond wrong and selfish, and messed up. and i want more than anything to be out of this and focus on my anxiety and confidence problems, but i can't see it being possible, it's gone too far :'( , i've been feeling suicidal this past 3 days and my anxiety has been through the roof, knowing that april 13th is almost here and i'm going to have to make up another lie for why i did not travel to hungary, i really don't want this, i don't want to lie anymore, it's hurting me so much , i didn't expect to fall in love with him, but i did and it's been to long and we've been through so much, i need advice very badly, cause i can honestly see me falling back into depresion knowing i've hurt someone i love, please help

[Unconditional]

Just calm down.

the first thing you need to do is tell him the truth, and then stop lying. Perhaps he can overcome these lies, perhaps not but that is for him to decide.
I'm sorry, that's all the advice I have got.

[snow_girl]

You need to tell him the truth and then let him decide what actions he wants to take. It will not be up to you. I would not wait a second longer to tell him the truth. Yes it will be hard but you shouldn't have lied in the first place. You say you love him, but this is not how you treat someone you love. You now need to tell him the truth and be grown up about whatever he decides to do.

[whatruckus]

5 months?! You've been lying to him for 5 months?!!! And, not just one lie, but multiple lies.

I'm sorry, but I really have to agree with the other ladies on this one, especially snow_girl. You need to tell him, but be prepared for the worst. Not everyone takes kindly to being catfished. The ball will be entirely in his court. If you really love him, you need to come clean and not just "leave without a trace". You should've told him the truth earlier, way earlier, if you weren't going to be upfront with him right off the bat. If you had come clean within a couple days, or week, of starting to talk to him, he probably would've been A-Ok with it, since some people are cautious about sharing their real picture (though, you shouldn't have used someone else's picture to begin with, especially your sisters').

[differentcountries]

Those are two small lies but you kept them long time. If you want to tell him, focus on your anxiety, not the lies. So many people tell lies when they are insecure. If he cares about you, he will try to make you feel safer about telling the truth. You have to tell him that you are not coming on the 13th, so he doesn't expect you to come. And don't make up any more lies to him. Not lying can be scary, but train on being vounerable while taking care of yourself. It is possable. I know a girl why used to make up lies way worse than yours, for no reason at all, not just to her lovers but to everyone, she would tell people she had serious deseases she had not etc., eventually she settled down and calmed down, it can be done. I hope you can train to be more truthful.

[Kapwned]

I don't think you're mentally ill. You just weren't thinking and didn't consider the potential consequences. This is a problem you caused and you can fix it. It can get better. You just have some serious insecurities, and you've become a pathological liar in order to keep this guy. Truthfully it can't get any better for you unless you tell him the truth. But as others have said, prepare for the worst.

Honestly I do not think you are in a state of mind to handle a relationship given how you've handled this. Your relationship aside, you should never ever steal another person's photos to hide your identity. You put the other person at risk when you do that. But I'm sure you've realized this by now. You've proven that he may not be able to trust you. You've shown him that you do not trust him to be able to look past your appearance.

I suggest you do it asap. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

If there's anything you learn from this, please start working on learning to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Denying it gets you no where. Embrace your body, your looks, and accept what would be perceived as flaws. Work on carrying yourself in a powerful way. Go buy some cute and comfy clothes if you can, get your hair done, get your makeup done if you'd like, wear some cute underwear, spray yourself with your favorite perfume. Mimic confidence and eventually it'll turn into confidence and your insecurities will weaken.

People are more often attracted to confidence and how someone carries themselves despite what their physical traits may be.

[xcherrypoopx]

I have severe anxiety and self esteem issues too, I totally understand you. You should come clean with everything. It will be a lift off your shoulders to just get it out. This isn't something worth feeling suicidal about, just take it as a learning experience. If you guys Skype, you must look very similar to your sister! That's something to feel good about given you must think she's beautiful if you used her picture :-) Tell him you just can't afford to travel there. That's very expensive, he should understand that. Regarding the picture, might be harder for him to take. Just tell him and let him decide. Wish you the best.

[p_b82]

Going to Echo the advice given already.. come clean tell him the truth and explain why you did what you did.

you cannot ask for anything more than his forgiveness here, and should he not give it, you need to be aware that lying got you into this mess, and not to do it again.

Wish you all the best, I have a feeling that this will not end in the way you hope - but I am afraid that is the price of lying and getting caught out

[itsjen516]

You need to be honest like others has said but I'm confused you said you Skype ? How do you Skype but he still thinks you are your sister isn't skype a video chat ?

[bubblehits]

You need to be honest like others has said but I'm confused you said you Skype ? How do you Skype but he still thinks you are your sister isn't skype a video chat ?

Skype gives you the option to do audio calls or video calls while still instant messaging.

And echoing the advice of everyone else, Haylsie94 you need to tell him the truth. It will only get worse if you don't, it's going to be hard and I can't say that he'll accept it but you will feel so much better if you come clean. You need to sit down with him and prepare him by saying that what you are about to say is important. And then let it all out, show him the real you, after that he's probably going to need time to sort through everything you just said.

Whatever the outcome, in the long haul, it'll be okay.

[TheSteelAngel]

I'm sorry, but I have to say that I really don't feel any sympathy for people who do this. Being insecure with yourself is no excuse for lying this long. You created this problem and now you need to fix it by telling him the truth. No matter what the outcome of this is, hopefully you will never do this again. I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you are a very beautiful girl and that you are just as beautiful on the inside. The proof of that is that you are showing remorse about what you've done. You just made a few big mistakes, but you can learn from them.

[Haylsie94]

Well, i told him the complete truth, showed him the real me, we had a very long chat, and has forgiven me, and says that his love for me hasn't changed and wants to work it all out, but i'm feeling somewhat different towards him now, before, i was sure he was the one, and felt like he was my complete happiness, but now, something just doesn't feel right and it's making me want to give up, and move on with my life, i can't expect this man to be the exact same with me as he was before, i know that, but i also can't go on with the relationship feeling the way i do, i still feel guilty, and that he deserves better, which he does, i love him so much but i can't see this going anywhere anymore, he has arranged another date to meet, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer, i did not say yes, but he's forcing me into this, i cannot afford it, and everytime i tried to answer he told me to shush, i don't know what to do now, other than just move on and go through all the hurt to forget him, though i know it won't be easy, but in the end i'll be happier than what i would be if i continue to go through with this relationship that i don't feel as happy in anymore, it's not that i don't want to be with him, cause i do, and i love him ever so much, but since all of this, things feel different, and he's acting weirdly, using cuss words to me, something he's never done, so i don't know what's going on, but i want out of it before i get myself into more trouble that i can't handle. i'd rather go through the hurt of walking away and getting over him, than staying and pretending to be the happiest one of us both, that would be a waste of his time, what do you guys think i should do? walk away? <3

[Petals]

Well, i told him the complete truth, showed him the real me, we had a very long chat, and has forgiven me, and says that his love for me hasn't changed and wants to work it all out, but i'm feeling somewhat different towards him now, before, i was sure he was the one, and felt like he was my complete happiness, but now, something just doesn't feel right and it's making me want to give up, and move on with my life, i can't expect this man to be the exact same with me as he was before, i know that, but i also can't go on with the relationship feeling the way i do, i still feel guilty, and that he deserves better, which he does, i love him so much but i can't see this going anywhere anymore, he has arranged another date to meet, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer, i did not say yes, but he's forcing me into this, i cannot afford it, and everytime i tried to answer he told me to shush, i don't know what to do now, other than just move on and go through all the hurt to forget him, though i know it won't be easy, but in the end i'll be happier than what i would be if i continue to go through with this relationship that i don't feel as happy in anymore, it's not that i don't want to be with him, cause i do, and i love him ever so much, but since all of this, things feel different, and he's acting weirdly, using cuss words to me, something he's never done, so i don't know what's going on, but i want out of it before i get myself into more trouble that i can't handle. i'd rather go through the hurt of walking away and getting over him, than staying and pretending to be the happiest one of us both, that would be a waste of his time, what do you guys think i should do? walk away? <3

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I highly suggest that you do; not because you are crazy, but because you have a faulty way of thinking that needs to be corrected. Here you have received a positive response from this guy (amazingly) and suddenly you have created walls...you want to walk away to prevent further hurt, while all along he has been hurt and not you. Whatever hurt you are feeling is self-inflicted because you do not believe that you are worthy of love or anything good happening to you. You have set up a situation that by all indications should have resulted in the guy walking away (justifying your thoughts about yourself that you are not good enough) and when he stays (countering your negative thoughts about yourself) you are orchestrating a way to feel hurt by walking away under the guise of protecting him and protecting yourself. You are not protecting yourself from hurt, in fact, you are perpetuating the cycle of hurt just so you can say "see - nobody loves me...nobody cares"

You will not be happy in your life ever, if you continue to think this way! You need to love yourself first, before others can love you...you will not have a healthy relationship until this faulty way of thinking is corrected and I highly believe that you cannot correct it on your own. Seek professional help! You are young and there's so much more to see in this world than gloom and doom.

Tell this guy that you cannot afford a trip to see him. let him travel to you first...he cannot tell you to sheesh if you type it. NO MORE LIES!

[Kapwned]

Seconded. He can't make you do anything, you've got a computer between the two of you. Have a back bone and speak up. But it seems like you are fishing for excuses. In your previous post, which wasn't even a week ago, you were speaking of how you must tell him because you love him so much and you can't continue on. You haven't even given it a week. This is a SERIOUS lie you told! This is almost as bad as cheating. I personally would not trust my SO if they revealed they had told me such a lie. I'd walk away. I couldn't trust them after that. You can't expect someone to be over it in just three days. Even if he forgives you it still needs time to sink in. Heck, maybe it's turning out he can't forgive you and maybe that's why he's acting more aggressive and cursing more because as these mere 3 days have gone by, he's gotten to sit and think on it and realize how hefty of a lie you told, and not just one lie, multiple lies (such as promising to come visit). Perhaps you need to revisit the topic with him. Ask him how he's feeling now that the reality has set in. You need to talk to him. Neither of you are perfect and you aren't going about this the right way.

I get an impression you're trying to hint that you're trying to turn this into something it isn't (such as insinuating it's about to become an abusive situation because he won't accept no for an answer and is making you go?), thus alleviating you of some of the blame if it turns out this doesn't work out. Your reasons, while not justified, will be out of love, concern, guilt, pain, anguish, tragedy, drama. All the while he's on the verge of becoming an angry and abusive lover as his aggression toward you grows. But honestly he has no power over you so that is not my concern at the moment. He is not physically there. He cannot physically make you do anything. Have you gone and bought tickets to travel? Probably not. He is persisting and you probably just don't feel comfortable enough to meet him. Reasons I do not know, but again, you obviously have yet to speak up and tell him why. Tip: Communication and honesty is key.

I think you need to walk away from this relationship and seek professional help. I could expect what you did from a young teen who wasn't expecting their little long distance fling to leave the internet but when you're an adult you have the means of making the people you meet online a reality and he wanted that while you hadn't put much thought into that in the beginning when your lies all began. I don't think you are in the right state of mind to handle a relationship. Your mind is dwelling on the negativity.

[p_b82]

Glad that you have come clean, but I have to echo the other advice - you need to either change your way of thinking yourself, or seek some help with it.

As if you think in this way, you are going to continue a nasty self perpetuating cycle - and that cycle is not one that ever ends well, unless you really change the way you think about things.

I mean, you have just admitted to some-one that you have been lying for months, they say it is ok, and now all of a sudden you don't like them anymore?

If I had had that reaction from some-one I had lied that much to, I would be over the moon if I loved them personally, not upset and questioning the relationship....

Also as said, if you can;t afford to go, then tell him that he will have to come to you instead - if you are not happy about it, tell him that no meetings will occur for a while and don't agree to a date, you have to be able to take control of the little things as well, and while meeting is a big thing, saying no I won't be coming on that date is a little thing!