Long Distance Relationship...

[xcherrypoopx]

Hi, new here. Need some advice...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4.5 years. Last year, he moved in with me. After only 3 months of us living together, he applies for a job in another state (I'm in California, the job being in New Mexico). He was laid off of his last job a couple years ago and ran out of savings. Couldn't find employment here (Employment is difficult to find here) He didn't offer me any info about it and we didn't discuss anything after he applied. A few weeks later, he texts me while I'm at work and tells me he got the job and has to move in a couple weeks. He moves and we still didn't discuss any plans for our future... I was left not being able to afford my apartment (I had to cut my income to qualify for medi-cal, I have heart issues and needed medication) so I had to move a stranger in. I was incredibly hurt by him doing this and a couple weeks after he moved, I broke up with him. We ended up back together a month later. He visited once for a couple days and almost 3 months later, I visited him. It's been 7 months and we've only seen each other 2x. I can't afford to visit again. My work doesn't give me PTO and missing work takes a HUGE toll on my paycheck. Being a single mom of one with 3 pets and I don't qualify for low income housing (and my car has a failing head gasket so have to save for a new car) Taking time off to visit again just won't happen. I also can't afford to bring my daughter with and don't want to leave again without her. He wants us to move out there, but he doesn't have his own place and housing is VERY expensive. Me not knowing anyone there and having to find a sitter for my daughter and find work will be miserable. I have severe anxiety and can't just work anywhere or else I have nervous breakdowns and panic attacks so bad, I end up in the ER. We've talked about all this, but never figure anything out. All he says is he wants to stay together but doesn't know how/when we'll be physically together again. I feel pretty damn hopeless. Not sure I even want to move. What of it doesn't work? I can't chance giving up my current home for something that may not even work... ugh!

[Deleted]

Hi there, welcome to LFAD

This is an interesting situation and perhaps others with more similar experiences can offer better advice. However, I will offer something that I have always told myself: are you receiving net benefit from the relationship you are in? (I suffer from anxiety too and I know how shitty it is, so I sympathise with you completely). I feel like you know what the answer is in your head but you many need some facts to rationalize it. This may sound harsh, but I don't think that that all of the emotional turmoil you're experiencing as a result of your relationship is worth all of the stress and anxiety. Knowing when you can be together again really helps, but him not knowing as a result of his job puts you at a stalemate. I think now it's time for a decision, and the ball's in your park.

[differentcountries]

Lots of the things you mention are practical issues that can be solved. If he has vacation time in his work he can come to visit you. If you find work and a sitter where he lives (he can probably help you do that), housing your family of three in his area will be affordable. The issue is: do you trust him? Do you want to share your life with him?

[xcherrypoopx]

Finding employment would be difficult due to my anxiety. I can't work in "normal" jobs. I found working in adult residential facilities easier for me so long as I am not required to drive. Finding adult residential facilities is difficult unless you know people who already work in one. Not elderly homes, but homes for mentally disabled/ill adults. I can't drive in Santa Fe. I visited once with my tax return and it's insane there. I was anxious just being a passenger. My daughter is school age so I'd have to find work around her school schedule. I won't hire a stranger to babysit her. Freaks me out to think of doing that. His schedule is 8am-6-7pm 6 days a week, he couldn't help me with her unless I am able to find an adult residential facility who needs a NOC person. I tried Google to find homes and couldn't find any other than elderly care facilities. I tried working with the elderly and quit after 2 weeks. I am not physically capable of doing constant lifts (most I couldn't lift) and it's gross work :-\ I also have pets, one of which is a pit bull. Finding affordable housing may be difficult with her and I'm not rehoming her. His schedule doesn't allow for much help if I moved there.. When I visited, I only got 2 full days with him. Rest of the time I was alone and didn't leave his room because I was too scared to :-\ Then there's the fact I'd be taking my daughter away from her dad... I dont want her to hate me for doing that. I trust him, I just don't know about anything. Feels like too much to deal with. I feel like we will stay together but rarely see each other.

[Miasmata]

Sorry if these are stupid questions, but are you seeing a professional about your anxiety issues? Have you considered doing contract/freelance work from home?

[differentcountries]

If you are looking for work in his area you might want to contact the unemployed office in that area. When you find potentional jobs you can ask them about their scedules and what shifts they might be offering and what qualifications they are looking for. You might have to consider letting some of your pets go if you move. LDRs are a lot to deals with. You just have to decide if you think he is worth it.

[xcherrypoopx]

Letting my pets go isn't an option. They are my family. Can't believe people who give up their family members to move :-( I can't afford to see a counselor and the county mental health care is a joke. I've worked along side county mental health because I work with high risk adults , some with severe mental illness. They're awful. I used to take Ativan just to get myself to and from work when I worked out of town but medi-cal doesn't cover more than #30 at a time and I couldn't get refills when I needed so I went through withdrawls every time I ran out. It was horrible. I won't take other meds either. Working with the mentally ill, I have seen some bad side effects with SSRI's and MAOI's...

[xcherrypoopx]

What would be freelance work out of your home? I struggle speaking on the phone. If it entails heavy phone use, I couldn't do it. I become so anxious, my mind goes blank and I stutter really bad. It's embarrassing.

[xcherrypoopx]

I sound like I'm being difficult. But, this is how my life is. My pets are my only friends and my dog is what gets me out of my apartment. Before I got her, aside from work and taking my daughter to/from school, I wouldn't leave my home. I don't have friends and really struggle with being out in public. I feel like I'm being judged and stared at (yes it happens a lot. I forced myself out before I got my dog and I was constantly stared at. Guys cat call and I've been followed. It's scary :'( )

[differentcountries]

What would be freelance work out of your home? I struggle speaking on the phone. If it entails heavy phone use, I couldn't do it. I become so anxious, my mind goes blank and I stutter really bad. It's embarrassing.

Things you can do over the internet.

[differentcountries]

I sound like I'm being difficult. But, this is how my life is. My pets are my only friends and my dog is what gets me out of my apartment. Before I got her, aside from work and taking my daughter to/from school, I wouldn't leave my home. I don't have friends and really struggle with being out in public. I feel like I'm being judged and stared at (yes it happens a lot. I forced myself out before I got my dog and I was constantly stared at. Guys cat call and I've been followed. It's scary :'( )

You are not difficult. I am just saying that if you want to keep your dog then yes, it might be difficult to find housing where he is. But have you talked to him about these practical matters? It should be a joint effort, not something for you to ponder over alone.

[Miasmata]

I'm really sorry, but when you struggle that hard with your life, you NEED more help. There are charities which offer mental health service, active listeners online, coping mechanisms you can learn, and meds that might work for you. I understand you got it tough, I really do, but this is no way to live a life. You are under so much stress, it's heartbreaking. I used to be anxious to a similiar degree, and having to be inside so much made me it worse since I got barely any fresh air, sunlight, and healthy social interaction. I went through intensive therapy to become somewhat stable and get a basis to work with. I'm not assuming I know how you feel, but I think I got an idea, and you absolutely gotta do something.

Don't say No to everything and everyone that might help you, and don't say No to yourself like that. Not all meds have horrible side effects, my boyfriend takes SSRIs too and once he found the ones that work for him, his life quality improved immensely because he wasn't too anxious to handle life anymore. Meds aren't a magic fix-all or there to keep you quiet, they are there to get your brain to a level where it's not constantly bogged down by the anxiety/depression.
Freelance work can be done via email. I, for example, draw and make crafts on order as well as sell prints and shirts via an on-demand online store (the store handles the order, production and shipping, and I get a cut of the profit). I never have to talk to anyone in person, it's all via messengers and email. There are many ways you can do similiar stuff and make some money on the side. Granted, it doesn't make me rich, but it's better than nothing.

Really though, you can't live your whole life like this. It affects you, your child, your relationship, everything. You deserve MUCH better, but for that, you'll have to take some scary steps and make compromises you have been saying No to. Recovery and healing are things that have their unique paths for every person, and it's best to take them one step at a time, in the pace that works for you - As long as you keep moving in some fashion. You should be able to live the life you want, but out of choice, not because your mental state forces you to. Please, give yourself and your situation a chance.