Can't help but feel dread about this

[Polly]

My boyfriend left the country after we had been dating for 7 months for a high paying job on a 3 year visa. We are now 1 and a half years into his job term, so half way there until he comes back.

I asked him recently would he have still taken the job if I wasn't open to doing long distance and couldn't move to be there with him (unable to find work for myself to get a work visa, ect ) His answer was essentially that we would have taken the job and moved away, basically breaking us up. It made me feel that he would choose the job over me. A coworker of mine told me that she was given an opportunity once to work in Japan, and she took it even though her SO at the time told her if she did, he couldn't do long distance. She told me she didn't care about him enough to stay.

I was willing to do long distance given my boyfriend is doing a temporary 3 year contract, but given his answer to my question, it makes me nervous for the future.

He has told me he is not ready for marriage (we've been together for 2 years, most of it long distance), and when he comes back, he'll be looking for another job. I'm afraid if he finds a job not in our home city, it'll mean me uprooting myself for someone who isn't ready for marriage. It would be risky for me to quit my full time well paying job, my friends and family to follow him around.

He could find a job in our home city easily as he's a computer engineer which is high in demand, but if he's picky he might go elsewhere. He had a well paying job here to start with, but this one he has now pays almost twice as much, which is why he moved. I feel that if he was really ready to settle down and really loved me, he wouldn't have moved. I also feel that this could just keep happening.

Whenever I bring up talk of the future, he tells me I worry to much, and that we can't control the future, and to just deal with what comes. But I believe you have some control over your future by the choices you make.

I'm starting to feel like I've wasted over a year in a stressful unsatisfying LD relationship.

Is he right that I'm just over thinking things?

[differentcountries]

You are overthinking it. An he is a tad too lax about it. And you are both right: we control our future, but not all of it. I might consider moving too if I got offered a job that payed twice the normal salary! I have never had that uppertunity in my life. I take it he is saving up, so if you have a future with him that is money for your future. What are his financial goals? Is there other things besides money this job gives him? What things do you want from your job?

When he returns from that job, you can sit down with him and tell him how you feel. To do it now is simply not fair, you knew very well this was his contract and you are not sharing any information to suggest he has misled you. You sound bitter over a year of a lifestyle that is normal in here, is it the lack of a proposal that bothers you so much? Doing LD with a person you trust and have a working routine with can be deeply satisfying, I have been doing it more than one and a half years. If you really feel you have wasted your life being with him and getting few of the things you were looking for, you might consider leaving for the sake of the both of you. But you might also consider that you might be talking past each other with the hypohetical question. You are scared of the future, that is fine. Can you live with him not having all the answers yet?

[lucybelle]

I 100% agree with his decisions. He's in a good job making good money. Why complain? You did agree to an LDR, so don't think about hypotheticals.

In a relationship so young (7 months) he absolutely made the right choice. Once you all are more established you can think about closing the distance.

[Kapwned]

I definitely think you're overthinking this. And it would be unfair of you to expect a guy you'd been dating for less than a year to decline an amazing opportunity just to be with you. Spin it around and see it from his perspective. What if he had declined it and then not long after you guys have a fight and break up. Then he'd think that he wasted an opportunity on someone. That may have crossed his mind.

Life isn't just about achieving a successful long term romantic relationship. People also have ambitions and career goals that can stay with them even if and when relationships end (and most will). He got to move to another country, an opportunity that isn't easy to come by, and make double the amount he makes. And when he comes back to the US this will look amazing on his resume and up his value as a computer engineer.

[Polly]

I definitely think you're overthinking this. And it would be unfair of you to expect a guy you'd been dating for less than a year to decline an amazing opportunity just to be with you. Spin it around and see it from his perspective. What if he had declined it and then not long after you guys have a fight and break up. Then he'd think that he wasted an opportunity on someone. That may have crossed his mind.

Life isn't just about achieving a successful long term romantic relationship. People also have ambitions and career goals that can stay with them even if and when relationships end (and most will). He got to move to another country, an opportunity that isn't easy to come by, and make double the amount he makes. And when he comes back to the US this will look amazing on his resume and up his value as a computer engineer.

I understand his decision to take this job opportunity, but I just worry about how long he'll keep jumping around from one opportunity to the next. On average, the longest he has stayed at a job was one year. By the time he comes back we will be together for over 3 years and he has told me he would still not be ready for anything serious like marriage, which I understand, but if that is the case, and he keeps moving around, is it reasonable for us to keep going like this? We're both in our early 30s, and I have a steady job as well, and he has asked me would I be willing to move for him. I said I wouldn't be willing to risk it (let's say we fight, break up, ect.), unless we had made a commitment to marry. I wouldn't leave a steady job and my life here just for a boyfriend.

I just feel he is not and will not be near ready to settle down in one place, so am I expected to follow him around?

[TheSteelAngel]

I understand his decision to take this job opportunity, but I just worry about how long he'll keep jumping around from one opportunity to the next. On average, the longest he has stayed at a job was one year. By the time he comes back we will be together for over 3 years and he has told me he would still not be ready for anything serious like marriage, which I understand, but if that is the case, and he keeps moving around, is it reasonable for us to keep going like this? We're both in our early 30s, and I have a steady job as well, and he has asked me would I be willing to move for him. I said I wouldn't be willing to risk it (let's say we fight, break up, ect.), unless we had made a commitment to marry. I wouldn't leave a steady job and my life here just for a boyfriend.

I just feel he is not and will not be near ready to settle down in one place, so am I expected to follow him around?

You're not expected to do something you don't want to do. You never are. I do have to ask you though, is this guy really worth it? Will you truly be happy with him and his wandering lifestyle? Are you ok with the thought of him never wanting to get married? Will you give up wanting to marry him if he just wants to keep things the way they are forever? If not, then I suggest looking for someone who does want to marry you and fulfill your desires. If you are ok with all of these then I wish you nothing but the best.

[differentcountries]

I understand his decision to take this job opportunity, but I just worry about how long he'll keep jumping around from one opportunity to the next. On average, the longest he has stayed at a job was one year. By the time he comes back we will be together for over 3 years and he has told me he would still not be ready for anything serious like marriage, which I understand, but if that is the case, and he keeps moving around, is it reasonable for us to keep going like this? We're both in our early 30s, and I have a steady job as well, and he has asked me would I be willing to move for him. I said I wouldn't be willing to risk it (let's say we fight, break up, ect.), unless we had made a commitment to marry. I wouldn't leave a steady job and my life here just for a boyfriend.

I just feel he is not and will not be near ready to settle down in one place, so am I expected to follow him around?

Well, if what you say is correct, he is contracted for this job for 3 years so he will have it for 3 years unless he breaks his contract. When he returns home, you will have been together for over 3 1/2 years. Did he tell you he will not be ready for marriage as an answer to another one of your hypothetical questions? My boyfriend has a hard time planning what he will do the next month, he would just look at me blank if I asked him what he wants to do two years from now!

But back to when he returns home: if, after almost 4 years relationship, it was still to early to discuss marriage, kids and the like, that is not ok. After that long ammount of time, you both know if you want to be with a person for the longest or not. You are not "expected" to do anything. You are to say what you are interested in doing and can accept doing, and so is he, and if you want somewhat different things to find a workable compromise.

[snow]

I think you have every right to talk about marriage with your boyfriend of over two years. I said it before, there comes a time you want to know where you stand and if you are on the same page regarding marriage, children and the future. I have asked my husband within the first week of dating if marriage and kids were in his plans and if they weren't, I wouldn't have gotten this deep into it. As sad as it sounds, they are in mine and they are not something I want to give up for a man and it's also something you should not have to give up if it's important for you.

Bring the conversation up again, ask him if he ever wants to get married and make your point clear that you are not willing to burn bridges with a good paying job without knowing that he is as committed to this relationship as you are.

[Polly]

I think you have every right to talk about marriage with your boyfriend of over two years. I said it before, there comes a time you want to know where you stand and if you are on the same page regarding marriage, children and the future. I have asked my husband within the first week of dating if marriage and kids were in his plans and if they weren't, I wouldn't have gotten this deep into it. As sad as it sounds, they are in mine and they are not something I want to give up for a man and it's also something you should not have to give up if it's important for you.

Bring the conversation up again, ask him if he ever wants to get married and make your point clear that you are not willing to burn bridges with a good paying job without knowing that he is as committed to this relationship as you are.

He has said that he is open to marriage but that we would have to live together first for awhile before he can be sure about getting married. So dating for over 3 years, then living together, then maybe marriage. If he comes back and moves again, basically I would have to leave my job to be wherever he is in order for us to live together. He has said he would try to find a job in the same city that we are both from, and where I currently am, but that doesn't rule out him taking a job elsewhere, especially since he has asked me would I be willing to move to another city.

I'm being hopeful because he wants to be where I am and will try to get a job here when he gets back. I'm just hoping that it happens.

[Polly]

Well, if what you say is correct, he is contracted for this job for 3 years so he will have it for 3 years unless he breaks his contract. When he returns home, you will have been together for over 3 1/2 years. Did he tell you he will not be ready for marriage as an answer to another one of your hypothetical questions? My boyfriend has a hard time planning what he will do the next month, he would just look at me blank if I asked him what he wants to do two years from now!

But back to when he returns home: if, after almost 4 years relationship, it was still to early to discuss marriage, kids and the like, that is not ok. After that long ammount of time, you both know if you want to be with a person for the longest or not. You are not "expected" to do anything. You are to say what you are interested in doing and can accept doing, and so is he, and if you want somewhat different things to find a workable compromise.

He is the type of person who doesn't think about the future, and doesn't understand hypothetical questions. He always answers with, "it's too early to start thinking about that".

I get it, and he has told me he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see a future with me. But, he won't be ready for marriage without living together first for awhile, which could potentially mean me leaving my job and settled life to go where he goes for us to live.
I don't know, maybe I love him enough to do it. I also hope it won't be necessary because he'll find a job here when he comes back.
It's hard to know for sure...

[differentcountries]

Well, he cant exactly forsee the job market of tomorrow. And it is a tad early to worry about it. I imagine he can start looking for jobs 3-4 months before he returns.