Parents......advice needed....

[TaraMarie]

So, I have two children at home. Kendall is 15 and Nicholas is 12. They both love my SO, Fred. Kendall and Fred are like twins.....they have the same personality and are best friends. Nicco loves Fred, but he's 12 and caught between being a little boy and feeling independent. I think fred is so hard on him. For example, we set up,our new home theater this weekend. Yesterday, Kendall and a friends were watching tv and playing xbox in there (all Fred's stuff). Nicco was with his dad, came home for a bit and put an xbox game in the system for his sister to,play. Then he went back to his dads for the night. Tonight Nicco wanted to watch a movie with me....but there is so much equipment I don't know how to use it. Neither does my son, so we called Fred and asked him how to do it. He was walking me through it and it wouldn't work. I told him Kendall was playing xbox yesterday and something must be unhooked or turned off. He flat out told me he didn't believe it. Nicco must have been playing it and did something to it. So I called Kendall at her dads and she said she was playing xbox yesterday, but she didn't think she did anything to it. Well, when I told Fred that I checked with Kendall and nicco didn't touch it he went off in a rant about how Nicco was in that room yesterday and he touched things he shouldn't have touched (which he admitted to when I asked him, but NOT THE electronics, and I told him not to touch anything without asking in the future). Fred is insistent that nicco did something and said I always believe him and he isn't the angel I think he is. Fred is being so childish.......

He gets annoyed when the kids go to their dads for the weekend. He thinks it's because they don't want to be with him, but that's not the truth. They love him. Honestly, they go to their dads because they have no rules or chores there....and that is NOT how I run things. That's been a bone of contention with me and my ex for as long as we were married.....but that is another story. This past week the kids were on spring break, and my son was with his dad for a few days then went camping with my sister. Fred was annoyed that he wasn't home to feed the dogs. Fred's take on it was that Nicco shrugged his responsibilities because Fred would be there to feed the dogs. I think that is BS. Fred actually said that Nicco is taking advantage of him. HE WENT TO HIS FATHERS HOUSE, THEN WENT CAMPING BECAUSE THERE WAS NO SCHOOL, not because he didn't want to feed the dogs. I have no idea why Fred is so adamant about this.

I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to take sides. Fred's never had children and thinks they should be perfect angels all the time. He is the same way with his three yr old nephew. He thinks he should be wonderful every minute of the day. I dont think he has any idea how children behave On a daily basis. My biggest issue is the disparity with the way he treats Kendall vs the way he treats Nicco.

It's NOT because he doesn't love him. And it's not because they don't love him. They actually all get along GREAT. FRED IS JUST BEING UNREALISTIC AND CHILDISH. Any suggestions?

[R&R]

My children have had 2 step-dads and 1 step-mom. I've been a step mom. My daughters adored their first step-dad and hated their second (they were so right on both counts!). They love their step-mother but don't like her very much as she way oversteps her boundries with them and was very controlling of both of them and is still controlling of their father. Once they were old enough to tell her to back off, they did.

Rules have to be set with both Fred and the kids. You and Fred need to have a talk about what expectations are and what his actual role is. What things of his can the kids use and not use when he is there. If he is allowed to discipline or not. Once you two have hashed it out, then you need to sit down with the kids and have a family discussion. This way, there are no "I didn't know" or misunderstandings.

The biggest thing Fred has to learn is that he is NOT the parent. The fact that he has never been a parent is going to make it even harder. He can't come into this expecting that things are going to be perfect. You have to be somewhat understanding that he doesn't have any experience as a parent but that doesn't mean he gets to act like a kid himself and throw what are, in essence, temper tantrums. There has to be something deeper bugging him for him to get so upset about the things he is. I'd work hard to figure it out before the wedding because that's no way to live and makes for a very unhappy household.

[TaraMarie]

My children have had 2 step-dads and 1 step-mom. I've been a step mom. My daughters adored their first step-dad and hated their second (they were so right on both counts!). They love their step-mother but don't like her very much as she way oversteps her boundries with them and was very controlling of both of them and is still controlling of their father. Once they were old enough to tell her to back off, they did.

Rules have to be set with both Fred and the kids. You and Fred need to have a talk about what expectations are and what his actual role is. What things of his can the kids use and not use when he is there. If he is allowed to discipline or not. Once you two have hashed it out, then you need to sit down with the kids and have a family discussion. This way, there are no "I didn't know" or misunderstandings.

The biggest thing Fred has to learn is that he is NOT the parent. The fact that he has never been a parent is going to make it even harder. He can't come into this expecting that things are going to be perfect. You have to be somewhat understanding that he doesn't have any experience as a parent but that doesn't mean he gets to act like a kid himself and throw what are, in essence, temper tantrums. There has to be something deeper bugging him for him to get so upset about the things he is. I'd work hard to figure it out before the wedding because that's no way to live and makes for a very unhappy household.

I agree with most of what you said. I have always said that as long as he is the adult in the house, they have to listen to him and respect what he says. The same way I expect my children to listen to my parents and my siblings. My ex is in agreement on that. I have a stepmother and have always treated her as if she were my mother. And she has always treated me as a daughter. I want that Same relationship for them. Nicco does listen to him and refers to fred as his stepdad. He's just not used to not being allowed to touch things in "his" house.....and I understand what he is saying. I've already discussed not touching things that don't belong to him and how this will be an adjustment for all of us. I just HATE that Fred is so childish. He is very anal about his "stuff". He always has been. One time I was cleaning his house and the vacuum cord knocked something over and broke it. He had a fit! It was an accident....and he knew it...but could only see that I had broken something.

I,think my real problem is that he is SO HARD on Nicholas. Yet to him Kendall can do no wrong. Actually, my ex does the SAME thing. He's so hard on the boy, but the girl is perfect in his eyes (and she is the difficult one!). I think fred thinks Nicco should be a man, not a little boy. He's 12, not 22! Fred's dad was really tough on him, so I guess that's where Fred gets it from. And to be honest, my ex basically raised them because I worked 60 hours a week and he was retired and home all day. He did EVERYTHING for them and they had no responsibility, which is why they love spending the night there. I have been working hard to change all of that, but it won't happen overnight.

Can't we just be the Brady's?

[R&R]

At 12, does Nicholas have a set schedule that he is supposed to be with you or is he allowed to kind of go between houses as he pleases? My girls had set schedules until they were about 16 but we were always pretty flexible if days had to change.

My ex had a son and daughter and I definitely connected with his daughter more. I have 2 girls and I have no clue with boys lol. I think that you are right that Fred is probably doing with the only example he had, which is how he was raised. His temper has got to be put in check though.

My SO has 10 kids - 5 babies mamas. He started young and luckily they are mostly all grown. Of his 4 youngest, two live with him and the other two live with their respective mothers. By the time he moves here, one of the two will be in college and the other one will most likely stay in Indy with his mother. If he comes to live with us, he'll be almost 17. My daughters have a room with me and come and go as they please. We both have very different parenting styles and I know if his son does come to live with us, it's going to be somewhat difficult because I will want to step in on a few things and I'll have to keep my mouth shut.

Ahhh, the Brady Bunch. If we did have all those kids, I'd just want to have an Alice.

[aniay]

On the one hand, as mothers, we don't usually see the bad traits of our children.
On the other, even parents don't treat their children exactly the same, no matter how much they want to.

What I'd do is have a talk with the kids about how they see the situation because you might be overthinking it a bit, then I'd talk with SO about set of rules that all of you have to follow (different for adults different for kids)

The third thing is I can believe that your SO is playing favourites, he is going to connect more with your son rather than daughter because that's how it is, I'd tell him that you don't agree to such treatment of your kids, and set the rules of what he can and can't do.

He is an adult so they have to listen to him, but they are your kids so you set the main rules for them (He can add their own but only if you agree to it)
If you really can't handle it and he won't cooperate, go to psychologist or seek some proffesional help, that's all I can think of.

[TaraMarie]

At 12, does Nicholas have a set schedule that he is supposed to be with you or is he allowed to kind of go between houses as he pleases? My girls had set schedules until they were about 16 but we were always pretty flexible if days had to change.

My ex had a son and daughter and I definitely connected with his daughter more. I have 2 girls and I have no clue with boys lol. I think that you are right that Fred is probably doing with the only example he had, which is how he was raised. His temper has got to be put in check though.

My SO has 10 kids - 5 babies mamas. He started young and luckily they are mostly all grown. Of his 4 youngest, two live with him and the other two live with their respective mothers. By the time he moves here, one of the two will be in college and the other one will most likely stay in Indy with his mother. If he comes to live with us, he'll be almost 17. My daughters have a room with me and come and go as they please. We both have very different parenting styles and I know if his son does come to live with us, it's going to be somewhat difficult because I will want to step in on a few things and I'll have to keep my mouth shut.

Ahhh, the Brady Bunch. If we did have all those kids, I'd just want to have an Alice.

Ten kids? Goodness! No wonder he works all the time. My children can see their dad whenever they want. They see him almost every day. And I am ok with that. SO is being a complete ass. This morning he told me Nicco stayed away all week because he didn't want to apologize to him. Uh...no......my sister called and asked him if he wanted to go camping....so he did. Dies he think they were in cahoots together? Really I don't know where he gets these things from.

[differentcountries]

Your SO has to be careful. Didn't he just move in? And the matter of fact is : some of his stuff IS going to get broken. Not because they are kids but because actually the stuff is going to get used at least double the ammount which will double the risk and the wear and tear. If he worries about stuff getting damaged he cant share them with anyone. It is as simple as that.

About how you spend your weekends: it sounds a bit chaotic. Are the kids just coming and going? If I was SO I would have liked to know a little in advance who I was spending time with. At least some of the time.

[R&R]

Ten kids? Goodness! No wonder he works all the time. My children can see their dad whenever they want. They see him almost every day. And I am ok with that. SO is being a complete ass. This morning he told me Nicco stayed away all week because he didn't want to apologize to him. Uh...no......my sister called and asked him if he wanted to go camping....so he did. Dies he think they were in cahoots together? Really I don't know where he gets these things from.

Yes, 10. I'm so glad that almost all of them are adults and the ones that aren't are all at least in high school. There would have been no way to cope otherwise.

Your SO needs to realize that everything the kids do is NOT about him. If he continues with his attitude, it may end up driving your son away from wanting to be in your house and spend most of his time with your ex.

[Petals]

Your SO has to be careful. Didn't he just move in? And the matter of fact is : some of his stuff IS going to get broken. Not because they are kids but because actually the stuff is going to get used at least double the ammount which will double the risk and the wear and tear. If he worries about stuff getting damaged he cant share them with anyone. It is as simple as that.

About how you spend your weekends: it sounds a bit chaotic. Are the kids just coming and going? If I was SO I would have liked to know a little in advance who I was spending time with. At least some of the time.

I agree with this 100%!

My hubby has 2 adult kids and I am thrilled that I don't need to be 'step-parent' since they have their own homes/families.

All the best!

[TaraMarie]

Thanks, all. I agree with some things he says. Because of their dad, my children haven't been held accountable for anything most of their lives. I'm changing that, slowly but surely. His ex wife called me last night and we had a very long chat. Unfortunately, this is just part of who he is. She advised me to ignore it when he gets like this. He'll come around. In the meantime I am making sure they out everything back exactly the way they found it. If not, it's off limits until they learn. And for the record, I LOVE that they go to their dad's house so often. My house stays a lot cleaner and my grocery bills down! Lol.

[Miasmata]

Not sure if that's a good way to handle it. I mean, maybe you can just ignore him, but can the kids?

[R&R]

Not sure if that's a good way to handle it. I mean, maybe you can just ignore him, but can the kids?

I have to agree with this. "That's just who he is" is a way to excuse bad behavior.

[Moon]

Stop blaming your ex's parenting skills, this has nothing to do with him. I get that you don't want to hear it, but your boyfriend IS being an ass. They may have to respect him as an adult in the house, but he is not their parent and shouldn't be trying to jump right in with telling them how to act and what to do, that's your job, and their father's. You're also making too many excuses for him, and placing blame on your kids, which is terribly unfair, you moved a boyfriend into their home and expect them to conform to childless man's will, and that's also unfair. Stop putting him before your kids (yes you are) and compromise and communicate with everybody, without being afraid to piss him off. You know he's wrong, so tell him. He needs to realize right now that everybody had huge adjustments to make, and loads of patience will be required. He also needs to be told that, having never been a parent, he really doesn't get it yet, and he will need a lot of time to learn. If he's upset, he can come to you to deal with it, he shouldn't be insisting your son do chores so shortly after moving in, or trying to discipline him in any way, that's your job and his father's job. If he keeps it up, your kids are going to really start to resent him.

Also, and I'm the kind of person who usually views therapy as bullshit, so I mean it very much when I say that a few family therapy sessions with everybody might be the answer here. An unbiased third party can help you all sort this out.

[TaraMarie]

Stop blaming your ex's parenting skills, this has nothing to do with him. I get that you don't want to hear it, but your boyfriend IS being an ass. They may have to respect him as an adult in the house, but he is not their parent and shouldn't be trying to jump right in with telling them how to act and what to do, that's your job, and their father's. You're also making too many excuses for him, and placing blame on your kids, which is terribly unfair, you moved a boyfriend into their home and expect them to conform to childless man's will, and that's also unfair. Stop putting him before your kids (yes you are) and compromise and communicate with everybody, without being afraid to piss him off. You know he's wrong, so tell him. He needs to realize right now that everybody had huge adjustments to make, and loads of patience will be required. He also needs to be told that, having never been a parent, he really doesn't get it yet, and he will need a lot of time to learn. If he's upset, he can come to you to deal with it, he shouldn't be insisting your son do chores so shortly after moving in, or trying to discipline him in any way, that's your job and his father's job. If he keeps it up, your kids are going to really start to resent him.

Also, and I'm the kind of person who usually views therapy as bullshit, so I mean it very much when I say that a few family therapy sessions with everybody might be the answer here. An unbiased third party can help you all sort this out.

I have told him he is wrong. Of course, he doesnt see it that way. He will be the parent when we are married, and will be the legal guardian should anything happen to me (for the record, my ex husband is in his 70's and quite honestly acts more like the grandfather rather than the father, and he likes is that way). Hes a wonderful man, just not a disciplinarian at all. Doesn't get upset if they fail school, doesn't make them GO to school, does their projects/homework for them. Its a main reason we got divorced. I have legal and physical custody for that reason. I know they resent being held accountable, but they're getting better. And I do not tiptoe around at all. I speak up about everything. I just don't understand how childish he can be about his "stuff". That drives me nuts! I guess it will just be an adjustment for all of us for a while.

I do believe he and I have to have a united front. Again, that was an issue with my ex. He went behind my back on so many things and didnt back me up on anything. Actually, he used to tell the kids how mad I would be when I got home if they did something wrong. I was always the bad guy. He was always the fun guy who let them do anything, everything or nothing.....depending on the situation. Ugh!

[TaraMarie]

And we've been to family therapy recently. The Dr told my ex husband to man up and be a dad...not a buddy. He told him they have to have the same rules and chores at BOTH houses and that they need consistency.. Ex hubby hasn't made any changes.