I don't know whether I'm just being stupid or what... please, opinions?

[folclor]

I don't know whether I'm just...being sad or feeling lonely but I just...don't feel happy. My boyfriend (Alex) got on video with me about an hour ago and...we talked for about an hour and there was nothing depressing. Actually, everything was happiness and we were both smiling and laughing so much. But the second he said it was time for him to log off and go to sleep I felt...horrible. I felt so lonely and so desperate for his touch...but I couldn't let him know that. I just asked him one last question and then smiled as we said, "I love you" and goodnight.

It's just...with him I feel...like I can be me. Like I can tell him how I feel and I'm not going to be judged and I don't have to pull my opinions back in favor of anyone else's and that...that makes me feel like a different person than I feel like normally. So when he goes offline and we separate for a night and a day only to either text chat the next night or, if we're lucky, video again, I feel...empty and I feel sad and lonely and like everything's not all right and I start thinking of everything that's going wrong and everything I can't make go right and I can't help but cry sometimes.

Sometimes it's not like this... Sometimes we laugh and we talk and we have so much fun and when we log off I can lay my head against the pillows and imagine it's his chest beneath me instead and I can almost feel the rhythm of his breath and hear his heartbeat and I smile and drift off to either a pleasant nothingness or sweet dreams.

But I'm so frustrated and depressed over everything that I feel I need much more reassurance from him now and I don't know what to do because I can't just say, "I want you to stay on longer" when I know he has to get up at 6:30 in the morning to take care of everything at the house before going to a full day of work and coming home to a lot more responsibility. I can't ask him to do anything he doesn't already do because I don't want him to feel obligated and I don't want him to complicate his life or become too clingy again. I just want to be there already, I want to be there and not here but I have no way. I've tried every avenue, I'm not getting job offers, I don't own expensive things to sell and my computer is crap so I worry about whether it will even turn on in the morning.

My heart hurts because I want so badly to be up there and I can't. I have the passport, I have the bags to pack in, I just don't have the money for the tickets. I won't have to worry about hotel fees or food money, he already decided to pay for all of it, but I don't have that money and I'm not getting any closer to it and it's driving me nuts. I haven't even met him yet so I don't even know his touch but I long for it so much. I don't know what to do. I mean, I can't hitch hike up to Canada, that just isn't safe and I want to be safe...but buses cost more, and I don't have a car so I can't drive up there. I wish someone would drive me up there...he'd probably meet me at the border... hell, I could raise enough for the plane ticket home. That's only a couple hundred dollars... But no one would drive me up there. How would I even have the money to give them for gas? How would I even have the money to buy myself food on the way up there? Stupid...it's a stupid idea...

[punkpain]

You sound like me on a nightly basis. Feeling insecure and clingy. It sounds like you have a good relationship, and that you are understanding of his obligations. You do however need to tell him that you feel this way from time to time. If you havent already that is. There is nothing wrong with telling him you dont want to go. You just have to be sure to walk the line carefully so your not demanding what he cant give. I personally dont see anything wrong with you saying you would enjoy 5 more mins if he can. Its asking but without the demand. It makes it so he can go or stay. The only thing you have to be weary about is making it a habit. But if you are holding in your true feelings and letting them eat at you (as it sounds you may be doing) that isnt a healthy thing. Just know you are not the only person who struggles with the seperation. I myself deal with it nightly. My s/o is 3 hours ahead of me. So he is going to bed right around the time I am getting my children in the bathtub and finishing up homework. Its hard but I know that as long as I keep holding on that things will work out and I will be with my love in due time.

[Dramos99]

YA! i get like this my SO gets like this, we have bad nights, we coop by just crying i guess makes me feel better to just let it out, i gave her my bball shorts and my jacket while i was there and also 2 shirts so she can just have something of mine, she says it helps and she enjoys it, so maybe ask for something from him if you havent already gotten something. I coop with her letters and a picture of her right by my bed so i see it every morning and its most of the time i the last thing i see, but your not the only one that gets this trust hope you feeeel better, and things always get better

[Alisz]

I think there my be something in the LFAD water. I was feeling bad last night too. I felt good and bad at the same time talking to Ray about it. Good because I got it out, but not always how I wanted it to... I confused him a bit. Bad because he got a bit frustrated with my inability to make sense and I felt like I was scaring him off or something. He mentioned something about trust issues, but that's not it at all. But I understand you in wanting to see him so much. I rooted my emotions to just that. A longing to see him. I have a few Christmas gifts from him and as Dramos99 mentioned, they do help. Having physical items does help bridge the distance gap a bit. Just knowing that I have something that he had held is comforting. (Ok, that sounded a bit stalker-ish or fangirl-ish XD But you guys know what I mean) Maybe looking up and discussing alternative ways for you to visit would help? You said that no one could drive you, but what about Greyhound? Or taking the train? It's a longer ride, but also usually much cheaper than flights. As for money, I've noticed on the boards you've been looking for a job in Canada, but maybe try to get a part-time job there just to get some money for a trip? You don't have to stay there long. Places with high turnover rates like fast food restaurants or coffee shops might be good choices. It's crappy work, but it's money. And like my boyfriend said to me, enjoy the relationship in the moment. Why cry and worry when you have someone who loves you? ^^ *hugs* You're not stupid and don't give up.

[PurpleDreamer]

I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way! I often feel like this, I absolutely love our webcam and voice chats but when Kyle is logging off to go to sleep, I often get all sad and feel very lonely. I have also cried myself to sleep on several occasions. I too am yet to meet my SO in person, so I can definitely relate to the longing that you feel. I also know what it is like to not want to tell your SO that you're feeling this way. Sometimes while we're still on cam or voice chat, Kyle can tell that I am upset despite me trying so hard to not let it show because I do not want him feeling guilty or staying up even later than he already does just for me.

Anyways sorry that I don't have any advice for you or anything, I just wanted to let you know that I can definitely relate to the way you're feeling. If you ever need/want to talk, feel free to message me *hugs*.

[garnet]

As for money, I've noticed on the boards you've been looking for a job in Canada, but maybe try to get a part-time job there just to get some money for a trip? You don't have to stay there long. Places with high turnover rates like fast food restaurants or coffee shops might be good choices. It's crappy work, but it's money. And like my boyfriend said to me, enjoy the relationship in the moment. Why cry and worry when you have someone who loves you? ^^ *hugs* You're not stupid and don't give up.

I agree with this. You would have to get a Canadian company to want to sponsor you... and I don't think that really happens without a serious career type job. I seriously think you should investigate more into immigration before you make any more hopeful plans. Try visajourney.com and tell them your goals, they can help you figure out the best and easiest way to get there.

But a job here would be a good start, and give you something else to think about, give you money to visit, it would maybe help a lot. Good luck.

ETA: Here is the link to the Canadian section of the VJ site. Clicky! Seriously, these people are awesome, and very knowledgeable with current information. This is where I would start..

[Tanja]

Doing somethin concrete about making your dream come true always helps you feel better, Andy and I used to be a mess when we hadn't met each other, we missed each other and wanted to be together so bad but at that time we just couldn't... Finally when we decided we have to meet and started planning it it changed everything, we got excited and nervous and happy and a million other feelings that were positive and couraging us to go on day after a day.

You should definitely take on Garnet's advice and find out about immigrating in Canada, you might get some great advice from people who actually know a lot about these thigns and you could be positively surprised with the information you'll get. Most importantly, you'd feel like you're actually doing something to make it happen instead of sitting home, feeling miserable and dwelling on it.

When you're determined you can do anything

[folclor]

Thanks, y'all. I'm not looking for a job in Canada right now as I know I need a job here, first. I've been trying since August to find one and haven't had any luck. Got a few interviews but that was about it. I'm still trying but I haven't found anything. Also, trains don't run from Texas to Alberta, though I wish they did because that would be SO much cheaper (I think...though the fare from Mineola to Dallas is around $50 so maybe not...). I don't have anything of his yet because he hasn't sent me anything (something I don't bring up because he feels bad about it, but he's always so busy that it's very hard for him to get to the post office or UPS while it's open). I don't know...we'll see what happens...*sigh* not feeling any better about it today, though.

[Tanja]

Well you're not alone if you're looking for a job and haven't got one yet - I've been sending applications for 7 months (8 months next week) now and still got nothing and I've only gotten into ONE interview! Needless to say I'm feeling pretty rejected and unhappy about it but all I can do is keep on trying and in the meanwhile I try to survive with the bills and my mortgage and feeding all of my children, the one human kind and 6 furry ones. It's not easy but I'm still alive lol.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

I know exactly what you mean about longing for his arms around you, his touch, etc even though you haven't met him yet. I haven't met my SO in person yet either, but I still feel like I miss being physically around him- I miss that feel, but I've never experienced it. It may be strange, but it's no less authentic a feeling. And you're definitely not alone.

The other thing that I want to say is about asking him to stay a little longer. Don't worry about it! My SO is the one that stays up later (stoopid time differences >.>) and a lot of times I'll ask him to tell me goodnight and he'll say he doesn't want to, he wishes he didn't have to, and stuff like that. It doesn't make me feel pressured at all; it makes me feel more loved, even. If you don't want to ask him to do something, just say what you want. "I wish you could stay five more minutes" technically only says you want to spend more time with him, which is a good thing, but it also implies that you're asking him to stay.

Just hold tight until you get up there. =] I doubt this helps but you're doing tons better than me, we have no real plan at all but we know it's going to be years before we get to meet. =(

[Roberta]

I think pretty much everyone in an LDR feels this way at least once, so I can definitely understand. The best solution is to try not to think about the bad stuff and focus on the good. =D For a while now I've been meaning to make a list of all the things I love about Diego and all our good memories so I can read it on those lonely nights or really whenever I'm feeling sad... Not only will it make you happier, but it'll also help you remember all of those great times! =) Maybe you and your SO can each make one and then swap. ^^ Good luck with everything! =D

[folclor]

Thanks. I sent him an e-mail earlier telling him how I feel about things and letting him know that sometimes I feel lonely and I get discouraged. In response he turned on skype for a second during the work day to tell me he loves me. ./////. It made me smile so big and he was gone right after that, but it doesn't matter. I feel much more encouraged today than I did.

[Rane]

I just wanted to nudge one thing in here. Like, I know your plan is to get someone to sponsor you to move to Canada, but have you got a solid backup plan to that? It just pops out for me because, my living in Canada, I just got home from one of my first days of work, and they were saying that for each of the positions of the few people there were in the room, there were 10 people considered for each position. So I mean, I think right now that it would be very unlikely to find any company willing to sponsor an American to bring into the country to fill a position when they have 9 others right here and local ready to jump through hoops for the position. Not to be an ass. >.< I just don't want you to have an unrealistic view of how difficult it would be to pull off...

[Zephii]

Finding a company that will sponsor a person and bring them to Canada might not work, but getting a job here isn't that hard once you're here (or at least not in BC). I've only been here since the 15th of Jan and I'm already employed, and have another interview tomorrow. - And I have no qualifications at all.
Does an American need a visa to work in Canada? I know I've asked before but I just can't remember! But I know to get a visa they say you need to prove you can support yourself in Canada - You need a statement or something that says you have $4000 in an account somewhere. Tho, I lucked out and they didn't ask for my proof (Thank the Gods!).

But what am I talking about? All you want right now is to meet him, right? Then the saving to move comes later? I'm sorry, I'm so tired I just can't remember stuff right now.

I understand how you feel though, that desperate saddness... I wish I wasn't so in debt so I could say "Here, have some money, pay me back sometime later" But don't fear - You can do it!! I didn't think I'd be able to save up the $2300 for my first flight on my iddy biddy student allowance, but if you really really want something, you'll find a way. Don't forget the power of doing odd-jobs for people, baby sitting, mowing lawns, taking out garbage for elderly people... it all adds up in the long run.

But no, you're not being stupid, not at all. *Hugs*

[folclor]

okay, for some reason everyone thinks I'm planning to move up soon. ^^; I'm probably not going to be able to for another year, that's why I'm trying to get enough to go and visit him and actually meet him. I'm not saving up to move yet. I have all the information on a visa and what type I need, etc, I'm not asking advice on that, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear and I'm sorry if I seem a little irritated, I think I need to get something to drink and cool down from a (slightly) stressful day, though hanging out with a friend has helped my mood improve greatly this afternoon/evening.