"Progressing" in a LDR

[MrRoboto1986]

My GF and I have been together for about 20 months, around half of which has been long distance. I had to move overseas for work and have no family close by. She has been to visit a couple of times which I really enjoyed as it gets quite lonely here. Unfortunately I get the feeling there's a bit of a discrepancy in terms of where we see ourselves in this relationship. She wants me to propose (she hasn't given me an ultimatum or anything, but she occasionally makes slightly passive aggressive "jokes" about it), but to be honest I don't feel any more ready to than when I left. To me, it kind of feels like we haven't "progressed" because we get so little actual time together. I never really saw long distance as being ideal, but I was willing to give it a try because we have a good thing and we love each other. But now it basically feels like the relationship is just in cold storage and it gets thawed out for a week or so every six months. I'm worried that if I can't move past this stage then the whole thing is pointless, because for her to move here would be a commitment almost tantamount to marriage - she has to go through years of retraining for work and she has no family in the country at all. How can I get closer to being able to make that commitment to someone when I spend so little actual time with them? Or is this a sign I just need to end it and move on?

PS. I'm 28 but this is my first real relationship, so I don't really have any past experiences to compare this to.

[differentcountries]

Your problem is you were close distance first. We have always been long distance. We feel very committed precicely because ofte the distance, also it means that we got to focus on non- physical sides of the relationship and really get to know each other through talking.

If she sees you only twice a year, is there any way for her to stay longer than a week?

[conejita_hada]

I'll respectfully disagree that the OP's feelings have anything to do with starting out CD. Every relationship is different. My SO and I started CD and we haven't had a "cold" period.

OP, have you been able to talk to your SO about your feelings and worries? One moving is a huge commitment; what's her take on it? Also, do you interact/communicate with your SO regularly? It might be hard to discuss but sometimes the SO is the best person to talk to about fears for the future and how to proceed.

[differentcountries]

Every relationship is different but HE obviously feels that nothing "happens" between visits and my comment is that he still thinks like one does in a cd relationship. It is almost as if the non visit times are not real to him. Granted, one can feel like that even when starting out ld. Still I think for ld to work you must learn to appreciate the non visit times. Skype, letters, gifts in the mail and the works. If you don't feel like proposing, you can leave the issue be for a while. Perhaps if you start enjoying the LD more she will stop being "passive agressive" about marriage and closing the distance.

Anyway, personally I think 20 months is too soon to commit to such big steps as marriage and relocation, especially with her few and short visits because means she has had little time to get to know your place which is important when you consider to move. We have been together a month less than you guys, we visit frequently, he stayed a month where he really got to know my country, and MAYBE we can consider closing the distance in a year from now. Don't feel guilty because you don't feel ready, just focus on getting to know her more. Did you trying the 100 questions for lovers?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I also disagree that being CD to begin with changes that "cold" period. You progress in a different way, but you still should be progressing LD. Also, as far as marriage goes, I feel like when you know, you know. Do you know you're going to marry her eventually but you just aren't ready now? Or do you question if you even want to be with her long term? I continue my LDR because we love each other and have every intention of closing the distance and getting married one day. Because of this, LD is worth it for me. However, if I didn't love my SO enough to know that I'd marry him in a heart beat, I wouldn't continue a LDR. That being said, I'm not you. I don't blame your SO for wanting to get married to close the distance, however. I would definitely do some soul searching and discover if your relationship is making you happy even LD because no matter how hard LD is, you should still feel like your relationship makes you happy.

[snow]

I don't think this has to do with either starting out close distance or being long distance, but rather with the time you have been together. If you don't feel ready right now to propose, don't propose. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but if I was in her position, as much as I'd like you to propose, I think I would need to know if we are on the same page in the grand picture. Do you want to get married at all? Do you want to get married in the near future?
If yes, you will need to tell her that you are thinking about marriage and you love her a lot, but you are not ready for this commitment at the moment, which doesn't mean that you don't love her or won't marry her in the future, but you are not ready at the moment.
Not being ready for marriage is not a negative thing. You might be 28 and this could look like "the time" to get married, but you have also only been dating for a little over a year and a half with a big chunk of it long distance, so I don't think you should break it off or take a break or anything, but see where life takes you, how you can close the distance and how you can make it through this long distance period as a couple. Give yourself time.

[aniay]

My suggestion is, tell her all you told us. It seems to me like you are guessing her feelings, and while you might be right, it's best to ask.
Think about how you see the next year and the future of your relationship
Ask her how she sees the next year and the future.
Then you can both try to decide what next.
I'd say that there is a difference when the relationship is started LD and when it is started CD. One have to change the whole mindset about dating, what it means spending time together, communication, affection... EVERYTHING.
But for every relationship it is important to be on the same page with your SO, see what you agree on, how you see the future, what you disagree on and if that makes it possible to still be together.

[MrRoboto1986]

Thanks for all the posts. I'll try to go through all the questions you asked:
differentcountries: She was able to stay for a few days longer her last time here but given that we both have limited vacation time that probably won't be the norm. You're right that if I was enjoying LD more it wouldn't be an issue, but the fact is that I'm not enjoying it. It's lonely, it's depressing, and I feel anxious all the time about how it's going to be resolved in the future. But maybe you're right that I'm just not trying hard enough.
conejita_hada: We have talked about it briefly, her position is that it's worth any hardship that we have to go through, but I don't quite feel the same way. That's not to say I don't value our relationship, but I couldn't honestly say that I would be willing to do this for 4-5 years or more because, as I said above, the whole situation is very depressing for me. She said she would be happy to wait until I feel the same way as she does. That's why I'm so frustrated at the lack of progression and the fact that I still don't feel that way.
Missingmydutchlove: I really can't say for sure if I want to marry her one day or not. It's hard to make that commitment because my dating life has been so short and I have nothing to compare her to. When I moved I didn't think that was a good enough reason just to throw it all away. I feel happy when I see her and can talk to her but the rest of the time it's pretty miserable.
snow: I don't feel ready to get married at all. In terms of relationships, I'm a ~20 year old trapped in a 28 year old's body. I was extremely shy and awkward growing up and have only recently learned how to interact with women romantically.
aniay: I agree that starting out CD and then moving LD made a difference. We had a nice routine where we could see each other and do things together regularly. As wonderful an invention as Skype is, it's no substitute for real face to face interaction. We definitely do need to talk about this but it's been hard to articulate how I'm feeling which is why I joined this forum. So thanks guys.

[whatruckus]

Definitely talk to her and definitely find out what she wants. Right now you're only speculating, as others have said. If you're not ready to propose or get married, and you don't feel ready, don't do it. No matter how many passive-aggressive jokes she makes. Two of my really good friends got married almost 3 years ago. Had a baby a year after they got married. He now told my brother that he feels trapped. He wasn't ready to get married, neither of them were. They had no place to stay, not enough money, etc. They argued a lot. In the beginning, they lived in an apartment that his mom paid for. Now, with the baby, they had to move in with her parents.

This is a prime example of what happens when someone pressures the other into marriage before they're ready. I love my friends to death, but she also made passive-aggressive comments/jokes about getting married. She wanted that ring. Now, they don't seem so happy. She never wants to go out and do anything.

They were together for 5 - 6 years before they got married. They're now the same age as you.

[differentcountries]

You are the same age as my boyfriend, I am his first ever serious relationship as well , he is a little childish at times and he has issues being too overwealmed to talk about it. It is no excuse to behave responsably in a relationship, because we all have to develop from somewhere. The question is if you want to, and if you can strive to share your thoughts in ways that include her. I guess for your gf it is challenging to comprehend why, if the distance bothers you lots, you are not keen on her moving there, because she is not working through issues with independence like you are. My SO finds it very hard to share ambivalent or negative thoughts. But he is also relieved he can tell me everything, he is not used to people wanting the truth from him. So we take a few steps forward, some back, then forward like a dance, we do it together and we both feel safe. Perhaps if you guys make it a common project to develop methods to have fun with the distance for as long as you have it, maybe she will feel less confused /like you are not into her and you feel less like she is preassuring you into closing the distance too soon. But you have to be motivated to be creative like this, only you know if you are into her that much. Your gf can probably help you, but only if you share even the thoughts you are unsure about.

I am a very physical person, from a family of huggers, long distance used to be the strangest thing for me. Although we have frequent visits, for the most time I can't get what "is" love to me. But we make it work. So can you.

In my country, waiting 4-5 years to get married is not unusual even for cd couples. I married my ex after 3 years and everybody was like, what is the rush? My SOs best friend has been in an LDR with a woman from my country for six years, they are applying for visa to close the distance now. Give yourself time. Not being ready to marry/live together this minute doesn't mean you will never be ready later.

Also, some people are more comfortable living close but apart, so that is also an option, we have a word for that in my language (særboer) but I don't know if it exists in English. My colleague didn't move in with her husband after marriage, they both craved privacy