His Family Hate Me.

[maybe__someday]

I've tried to shorten this as much as I can:

During the 8 days that I visited my friend/more than a friend in February of this year, I saw his family three times. I hung out with his sisters for almost an entire day, and I felt like we got along. I even stayed at my friends house and had dinner there with his family, where I met his Mum, Dad and little brother. I'm a very shy, quiet, and sometimes awkward person, so I didn't speak to them a whole lot. I spoke when spoken to, basically. But I was polite and respectful. To be truthful, I did not feel entirely comfortable around most of his family; I sensed that they were judging me right from the very first moment, and I don't think they were impressed with the type of person that I am. However, I didn't let it bother me too much during that time because sometimes I tend to over-anaylize.

A few weeks after I got back home, my friend told me that he informed his parents about our feelings for one another, and how they were completely against it; they did not respond kindly. His family told him that I was "weird" and that I wasn't the right person for him. I was very hurt and angry by this; my intuition had been right, they were judging me while I was there, and they seemed to come to their own conclusions about the type of person I am. They weren't supportive, and it was clear they weren't happy with the fact that their son/brother had feelings for me. I was so hurt by their comments about me, and the fact that my friend didn't defend me to them, that I told him I didn't want to pursue anything further with him. I can't be with someone whose family dislikes me and won't support the relationship. However, after a few days of thinking, and getting advice from my own family, I decided that I liked my friend too much to let the feelings go all due to his parents judgmental mentality. So I decided to ignore his families comments, and carry on with our friendship.

Things have been going reasonably well since then, until a few nights ago when my friend started acting a little distant. I asked him about it, and he finally told me that his family has been at it again, saying negative things about me and the feelings we share, and that it was now starting to anger him. Every time he tries to talk to them about me, they screw their noses up and tell him that they don't want to know anything about me. Then they, again, tell him I'm not the right person for him. The thing is, they won't give a reason as to why. My friend demanded an actual reason for why they think I'm wrong for him, but they either ignore him or uses the excuse that we're too young to be together. I'm 21 and my friend is 20; we're young, but not that young. We're both mature and we both know what we're doing. His family just clearly do not like me for some reason, and it's really starting to affect me. And affect my feelings for my friend. I understand that parents often times don't like anyone that wants to date their "baby", however I feel this situation is more than that; they've been judgmental and hateful, and their dislikes about the situation with my friend and I seems to only be directed at me as a person. I'm very upset and angry by this, and so is my friend now that he comprehends how non-supportive and disrespectful his family are being towards me/us. The first time this happened, he was saddened by it, but didn't really see it as much of an issue because he has never been able to disagree or go against his families opinions. However, this time round, he's now realised how unfair they're being. Which, I am grateful for, that he is now understanding how this has been affecting me and that he does not agree with what his family are doing. However, I'm not sure how long I can deal with it for. We plan to meet again soon, but I'm worried his family will have too much control over him and change his mind, or throw around idle threats to push him into not wanting to meet me again. I also honestly hate the fact that the people he loves most are completely against us being together.

I just want to know if anyone has or is going through a similar situation, and how you have managed to cope with it (if you chose to)? And if anyone has any advice about anything I've mentioned.

Thank you.

[Kapwned]

He should tell them point blank that you're shy, what little they got to experience of you was not you, and it is not fair for them to judge you. He should then tell them that their opinions about you will not change his feelings and he'd appreciate it if they didn't give their two cents every time he mentions you. From then on he should perhaps refrain from bringing you up too extensively. Not hide you, but basically make your relationship none of their business.

They actually sound very standard for a "You're not good enough for our baby" family. My best friend went through this with her boyfriend. His mother and grandmother were very protective of him and didn't see my friend as good enough for him. But still, they persist and they even arranged for her to move across the country to be with him. They allowed it but only if the two of them moved into the apartment under his grandmother's house. For years while she lived with them and went to a local college she faced constant scrutiny from the mother and grandmother. It was even worse when they were drunk. It's been 8 years and she and her boyfriend have since gotten jobs and moved out. It's much more peaceful since she doesn't have to see them every day (and the grandmother has since passed away =/), but the scrutiny got to a point that my friend felt so isolated and cornered by the two women that she genuinely felt helpless and alone. And it frustrated her that her boyfriend never defended her. He'd just cower because he didn't want to deal with them griping at him as well.

Unfortunately for some people this kind of stuff may take some time, and for some it may not end. But it is important for your partner to always defend you, and for both of you to remember that your future is between the two of you. We shouldn't hold onto our family's expectations and always obey them like little children. Because with family members like this, unless they pick the girl, no one will ever be good enough. I'm not saying it'll be this bad for you in the end seeing as they hardly gave you a chance, but it does seem standard. My friend plans on having a talk with my boyfriend before I move in with him seeing as I will be living with two of his friends and she doesn't want the same to happen to me that happened to him. It is important that your SO defend you, even if you're in the wrong because in that situation they are your only ally and you shouldn't be alone and ganged up on.

Shy people are always misunderstood. We're often seen as someone who probably has a few loose screws or someone who's stuck up and thinks they're too good for those around them. You'd think people would learn to be more open minded but oh well.

[differentcountries]

I am not really shy but I am introvert so I seem shy to some. Being introvert means it doesn't always come natural for me to speak first, and I am easily overwealmed by new people and new circumstances. I have had heaps of trouble with inlaws because of my personality . My husband's family doesn't like me all that much, and that is ok. They are very extrovert people, and they expect everyone to be like themselves and their friends, they actually dislike other introvert people they know as well. And I have perhaps had too much faith in their ability to understand me, even if many extroverts don't analyze themselves like I do. But still they try in their own fashion. Let's just say we have all tried to work on ourselves. Small things make a big difference to them, like MIL expects me to really, really praise her food and FIL likes me to listen and nod to his political analysys. I don't get why it matters so much, but I don't mind doing it either. You can ask your SO too what is important to your inlaws. Don't be upset they don't like you, it is nothing personal. But if you speak only when spoken to, you will seem disinterested to most people! And they will think you are rude and sort of be right... I have learned some set lines that sound really stupid to me, but people like it when I say it. So I do.

And yes, my inlaws actually like their other daughter in law less than they do me. I guess that is a comfort of sort! They are not easy people. But I think that in time they have learned to appreciate that I try. And my husband has learned that he really must team up with me and be the bridge-builder of the family. Because I have to know he really loves and respects me to have the motivation to deal with his family.

[TheSteelAngel]

In my honest opinion I really don't think it should matter if his parents approve of you or not. Sure it's nice to have their approval but it really isn't any of their business who their son wants to date or be friends with. He's an adult now and he should be able to socialize with whomever he wants.

[Redheart14]

In my honest opinion I really don't think it should matter if his parents approve of you or not. Sure it's nice to have their approval but it really isn't any of their business who their son wants to date or be friends with. He's an adult now and he should be able to socialize with whomever he wants.

This!!

[whatruckus]

I've dealt with this, but as your SO in my situation. The first time was with my ex, and they were right about him, but I dated him anyways. The only things I really regret were letting him treat me like garbage and staying.

Now, they're trying to do this with my SO. I ignore them and I suggest your SO do the same. You guys are adults, not babies. At the same time, you should also ask yourself if you can keep letting your SO not defend you, as he should be defending you. Him being passive also makes it seem as though he's taking what they say to heart and believing them, which he kind of is, but he shouldn't let them know that because they're just going to keep doing it.

[maybe__someday]

He should tell them point blank that you're shy, what little they got to experience of you was not you, and it is not fair for them to judge you. He should then tell them that their opinions about you will not change his feelings and he'd appreciate it if they didn't give their two cents every time he mentions you. From then on he should perhaps refrain from bringing you up too extensively. Not hide you, but basically make your relationship none of their business.

They actually sound very standard for a "You're not good enough for our baby" family. My best friend went through this with her boyfriend. His mother and grandmother were very protective of him and didn't see my friend as good enough for him. But still, they persist and they even arranged for her to move across the country to be with him. They allowed it but only if the two of them moved into the apartment under his grandmother's house. For years while she lived with them and went to a local college she faced constant scrutiny from the mother and grandmother. It was even worse when they were drunk. It's been 8 years and she and her boyfriend have since gotten jobs and moved out. It's much more peaceful since she doesn't have to see them every day (and the grandmother has since passed away =/), but the scrutiny got to a point that my friend felt so isolated and cornered by the two women that she genuinely felt helpless and alone. And it frustrated her that her boyfriend never defended her. He'd just cower because he didn't want to deal with them griping at him as well.

Unfortunately for some people this kind of stuff may take some time, and for some it may not end. But it is important for your partner to always defend you, and for both of you to remember that your future is between the two of you. We shouldn't hold onto our family's expectations and always obey them like little children. Because with family members like this, unless they pick the girl, no one will ever be good enough. I'm not saying it'll be this bad for you in the end seeing as they hardly gave you a chance, but it does seem standard. My friend plans on having a talk with my boyfriend before I move in with him seeing as I will be living with two of his friends and she doesn't want the same to happen to me that happened to him. It is important that your SO defend you, even if you're in the wrong because in that situation they are your only ally and you shouldn't be alone and ganged up on.

Shy people are always misunderstood. We're often seen as someone who probably has a few loose screws or someone who's stuck up and thinks they're too good for those around them. You'd think people would learn to be more open minded but oh well.

Oh, I wish he could tell them that their opinions about me won't change his feelings for me, or that he'd tell them to stop being so negative and judgmental, but he can't. He has a hard time going against his families opinions—it's either their opinion, or no opinion. His family already has a lot of control over him. We've had a lot of arguments about it, and he said he's trying to change, to stand up for himself and me (or anyone else), but we both understand it's not going to be easy since his lived his entire life by what his family says and does. Hopefully some day, he can defend me the way that he should in situations like this. Sure, it hurts that he didn't defend me but rather sat there silently and nodded along to his family, and that I can't be there in person to defend their harsh comments about me. For now, I have to get through it myself, I guess.

That's exactly right, I've been judged and misunderstood all my life because of how shy I am. Though I would have thought my friends family would have given me more of a chance, with time, to blossom a little more around them. Oh well.

[maybe__someday]

I am not really shy but I am introvert so I seem shy to some. Being introvert means it doesn't always come natural for me to speak first, and I am easily overwealmed by new people and new circumstances. I have had heaps of trouble with inlaws because of my personality . My husband's family doesn't like me all that much, and that is ok. They are very extrovert people, and they expect everyone to be like themselves and their friends, they actually dislike other introvert people they know as well. And I have perhaps had too much faith in their ability to understand me, even if many extroverts don't analyze themselves like I do. But still they try in their own fashion. Let's just say we have all tried to work on ourselves. Small things make a big difference to them, like MIL expects me to really, really praise her food and FIL likes me to listen and nod to his political analysys. I don't get why it matters so much, but I don't mind doing it either. You can ask your SO too what is important to your inlaws. Don't be upset they don't like you, it is nothing personal. But if you speak only when spoken to, you will seem disinterested to most people! And they will think you are rude and sort of be right... I have learned some set lines that sound really stupid to me, but people like it when I say it. So I do.

And yes, my inlaws actually like their other daughter in law less than they do me. I guess that is a comfort of sort! They are not easy people. But I think that in time they have learned to appreciate that I try. And my husband has learned that he really must team up with me and be the bridge-builder of the family. Because I have to know he really loves and respects me to have the motivation to deal with his family.

I don't think me being shy and introverted suddenly makes me a rude person. Though I understand, to people with a judgmental mentality, that it would come across that way. I may "appear" disinterested and withdrawn, but people who make the effort to talk to me should see that I am polite and respectful when I talk, and often times have a lot to say when I come out of my shell. I'm guessing my friends family didn't quite understand that though, or have much care to take notice. If I ever happen to meet them again, I will try my best to talk more, however I can't change the way I am, and especially not just to please other people.

[Petals]

I don't think me being shy and introverted suddenly makes me a rude person. Though I understand, to people with a judgmental mentality, that it would come across that way. I may "appear" disinterested and withdrawn, but people who make the effort to talk to me should see that I am polite and respectful when I talk, and often times have a lot to say when I come out of my shell. I'm guessing my friends family didn't quite understand that though, or have much care to take notice. If I ever happen to meet them again, I will try my best to talk more, however I can't change the way I am, and especially not just to please other people.

Apparently the world we live in is judgemental therefore if you want to make new friends and/or accomplish new goals you need to make adjustments to your personality. This doesn't mean that you change who you are at the core, but make adjustments that are beneficial to your goals. Write down things you can talk about with his family before you encounter them. Think of things he's told you about their interests etc. Ask them questions that require explanation. Make more of an effort. I am introverted so I have had to learn to be a bit more socially engaging. Now most people I meet usually think I am extroverted, but those who really know me know differently.

Based on his passive personality though, I think this relationship/friendship may not last or progress in the manner you expect it to because he's likely to be stagnant as he doesn't want to rock the boat.

All the best

[differentcountries]

I don't think me being shy and introverted suddenly makes me a rude person. Though I understand, to people with a judgmental mentality, that it would come across that way. I may "appear" disinterested and withdrawn, but people who make the effort to talk to me should see that I am polite and respectful when I talk, and often times have a lot to say when I come out of my shell. I'm guessing my friends family didn't quite understand that though, or have much care to take notice. If I ever happen to meet them again, I will try my best to talk more, however I can't change the way I am, and especially not just to please other people.

I have come to understand that in a certain sense, I am a "rude" person because I don't easily make people feel welcome or at ease, and that they crave that fuzzy feeling. I have gotten better with it over the years, by understanding better how I work and other people work, and how I can change without feeling artifictional. As an introvert, analytical person you have a better chance at establishing new habits than an extrovert that does things without thinking. I am not talking about becoming a different person. Once I understood that simple pleasantries that annoy me actually please other people, it was easy to be like that. You can absolutely change to please other people, to a certain extent, that is really what being polite is about.