I needed a place I could tell my story, a place where maybe I could find people who understand how hurt I am right now and what I am going through. I don't know if this will be the place but I hope so.
I am a 29 year old woman living in the U.S., I fell in love with a 21 year old guy in Australia. I met him years ago on a video game, and we slowly started to become friends. We never talked alone, only in a group. We really enjoyed each other's company and thought the other had an attractive voice. At the time I was going through a lot and the last thing I wanted was a relationship. I had a very strict policy on age and he was in Australia. On top of that, he thought online relationships were dumb and I figured he was someone safe I could be friendly with.
I was depressed and I wanted to die to be blunt. I was busy pretending everything was fine but he saw through it. He made sure I ate, made sure I slept, etc. We got closer and closer. I started to have some feelings for him and I wanted nothing to do with it so I backed off. I went off the grid for a few weeks until he woke up early (our time zones are drastic so I figured he'd be asleep) to confront me about it and because he missed me. I caved in at that point and we started talking 1v1. He spent so much money calling me those first months and we just got closer. We couldn't seem to ignore what we were feeling but it was a long process. You see, I was depressed and in no position to be in a relationship at all. I was VERY insecure about myself as I was 100lbs+ overweight and had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life. We talked about meeting and I wanted to, but I was too afraid because of my weight. I finally confessed it to him and he said he wanted me anyway. He told me he loved me first, and a few days later I told him it back. We started a relationship.
I started eating healthy and working out. I realized I wanted to live and that was in large part to him being there. I saw the chance for something really good for the first time in my life. We talked about meeting here and there but it never happened because I was too insecure. I knew it was stressing him out and I was being selfish but he would tell me he understood and he was okay to wait until I was ready. I started to slowly come out of my shell by sending him pictures, full body pictures, etc. I would gain more security as he'd tell me he loved me and wanted me. That I was his favorite, that I was the one for him, and how grateful he was for me every day. We started to Skype finally and that didn't scare him off either! I was so happy that someone saw so much in me that they thought I was beautiful. I was still very insecure worrying that every girl would take him away because in my mind, she was better than me. He would reassure me every time that there was no one better to him than me because of how he felt when he was with me. That regardless of his age, he knew what he wanted. That he didn't feel he was missing out and he was exactly where he wanted to be. He reassured me consistently and patiently for a year. He sent me gifts, cards, and he'd come home almost every day after work to send time with me.
Everyone was telling me I was the happiest they'd ever seen me and I told everyone about him. He didn't tell his family, he said he wanted to wait until he was going to come here to tell them. I understood and he'd been so patient with me on everything, I wanted to be understanding on this. We did start to fight a bit and I could tell he was increasingly frustrated with the distance. I understood and I was getting that way too. Now that I look back in the last few weeks I could see a few signs he wasn't as into as he had been. Yet, I would talk about meeting and plans, he would go with them. Finally, one night I pushed the issue. I had lost 90lbs and really had started to find myself. I'd started going out with friends, and taking more chances in life. I'd stopped getting as insecure and I felt more confident. I was ready to take this to the next level.
Before I knew it he was telling me he didn't think he could come here, that if it came down to him getting on a plane and coming here that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't see how to merge his reality and us. I was shocked. I mean, we weren't perfect but after reassuring me constantly that he wasn't going to leave, I had become positive he wasn't going anywhere. Just the week before I had been sick as a dog, he laid in bed with me on the phone and watched movies with me. He told me he wanted to pay for me to go to the doctor and hated how I didn't feel well. Just 2 weeks before he'd sent me a little card saying how much he loved me with a gift. Just the day of he told me how grateful he was for me. I worked so hard on myself for my best interest but also for us because I wanted what we had to be real. Yet, not only were we suddenly no longer meeting, but I was being dumped. I was being dumped by the same guy who told me I was his favorite every day for a year. The same guy who bought us both phones so we could Skype together. The guy who would come home and call me 9+ times to wake me up after work because he missed me. The guy who willingly brought up marriage on his own, having a family together, and told me regularly that I was the one for him.
I was a mess and a week later of no talking I got an e-mail after I'd missed a call. He told me he was certain he loved me and he missed me. That he hated where he worked, his weight, where he lived, and he had to sort through everything he felt before he could even think of a relationship. Then a week later I called him a few nights and we talked for like 2 hours+. We laughed and had outrageous conversations about whether we'd be a werewolf vs a vampire. We flirted and when I told him things like it's so clear you adore me, he didn't deny it. After a few nights of this I tried to see if we could watch or play something, he said he didn't know. I said I felt he was giving me mixed messages. He said he just can't be casual with me and that I complicate things. That he couldn't get past my deception (lying about weight) and how it'd put off meeting for so long. I cried and asked how could he just kick me out of his life like this. He was so frustrated with me I could tell he wanted me to go away, so I did. Then a week later I started sending e-mail updates about my life. I got no responses. I was planning a trip with my girlfriend to Disney next year and I jokingly sent him an e-mail saying it'd be awesome if he could go with me and that he could take his time to figure things out but could he do it within a year. I also sent another one saying how everyone was telling me I was being dumb but I didn't care because I felt he was worth it. He responded to that one saying that I shouldn't for one second think that he hadn't wanted to email me but he just didn't know what to say. That he liked my updates and that he wanted to figure everything that, that he didn't want to take a year. I made videos for him and I sent them to him along with sexy pictures thinking I could get him to see what he was missing. It took me all night to send the videos to him (I'd asked and he said he did want me to send them) When I got no response to anything, I started to get the message that he didn't want me anymore.
10 days passed, and finally I broke down. He sent me an e-mail saying he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that he couldn't do the distance thing. That part of him loved me and he missed me, but that he was back to the place before we met where he didn't want a relationship. He mentioned the distance thing 4 times. I asked if we could talk on Skype because it'd help me to hear these things as close to face to face as we could. We talked for a half hour normally, just laughing. He told me he missed me and then i asked if he was done done, he said he felt like he was. He hemmed and hawed for about 30 seconds before he said he didn't feel like I should wait when I asked him if he just had things to work out for himself. I cried, and he got teary. The worst part was I kept smiling because even though he was breaking my heart, that was the face of the man I loved. I could see in his face how much he loved me, and not just in a delusional sense. I could genuinely see it, feel it in him when he was talking to me. I asked him if he thought about what this means in the long term sense, if I was no longer the person he wanted at his side. He said he hadn't thought about it. He told me he wasn't against meeting but that he didn't know how because he couldn't see me without being very attracted to me and it wasn't going to change that he didn't want a relationship now. He wanted to keep in touch via e-mail for the big events. We told each other we loved each other one last time via Skype and then he called me at my request. We did a bit of dirty talking and he told me he couldn't resist me, that he still always thought of me when he, well you know. I just wanted to connect one more time. The last thing we said to each other was "I miss you." The next day I sent 2 e-mails begging him to at least meet me, to stop and think about what he was doing. Finally, I got so angry about everything because I realized how crappy it was, I sent him an e-mail going off. I haven't talked to him since then which is a week ago and he hasn't reached out.
I am a 29 year old woman living in the U.S., I fell in love with a 21 year old guy in Australia. I met him years ago on a video game, and we slowly started to become friends. We never talked alone, only in a group. We really enjoyed each other's company and thought the other had an attractive voice. At the time I was going through a lot and the last thing I wanted was a relationship. I had a very strict policy on age and he was in Australia. On top of that, he thought online relationships were dumb and I figured he was someone safe I could be friendly with.
I was depressed and I wanted to die to be blunt. I was busy pretending everything was fine but he saw through it. He made sure I ate, made sure I slept, etc. We got closer and closer. I started to have some feelings for him and I wanted nothing to do with it so I backed off. I went off the grid for a few weeks until he woke up early (our time zones are drastic so I figured he'd be asleep) to confront me about it and because he missed me. I caved in at that point and we started talking 1v1. He spent so much money calling me those first months and we just got closer. We couldn't seem to ignore what we were feeling but it was a long process. You see, I was depressed and in no position to be in a relationship at all. I was VERY insecure about myself as I was 100lbs+ overweight and had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life. We talked about meeting and I wanted to, but I was too afraid because of my weight. I finally confessed it to him and he said he wanted me anyway. He told me he loved me first, and a few days later I told him it back. We started a relationship.
I started eating healthy and working out. I realized I wanted to live and that was in large part to him being there. I saw the chance for something really good for the first time in my life. We talked about meeting here and there but it never happened because I was too insecure. I knew it was stressing him out and I was being selfish but he would tell me he understood and he was okay to wait until I was ready. I started to slowly come out of my shell by sending him pictures, full body pictures, etc. I would gain more security as he'd tell me he loved me and wanted me. That I was his favorite, that I was the one for him, and how grateful he was for me every day. We started to Skype finally and that didn't scare him off either! I was so happy that someone saw so much in me that they thought I was beautiful. I was still very insecure worrying that every girl would take him away because in my mind, she was better than me. He would reassure me every time that there was no one better to him than me because of how he felt when he was with me. That regardless of his age, he knew what he wanted. That he didn't feel he was missing out and he was exactly where he wanted to be. He reassured me consistently and patiently for a year. He sent me gifts, cards, and he'd come home almost every day after work to send time with me.
Everyone was telling me I was the happiest they'd ever seen me and I told everyone about him. He didn't tell his family, he said he wanted to wait until he was going to come here to tell them. I understood and he'd been so patient with me on everything, I wanted to be understanding on this. We did start to fight a bit and I could tell he was increasingly frustrated with the distance. I understood and I was getting that way too. Now that I look back in the last few weeks I could see a few signs he wasn't as into as he had been. Yet, I would talk about meeting and plans, he would go with them. Finally, one night I pushed the issue. I had lost 90lbs and really had started to find myself. I'd started going out with friends, and taking more chances in life. I'd stopped getting as insecure and I felt more confident. I was ready to take this to the next level.
Before I knew it he was telling me he didn't think he could come here, that if it came down to him getting on a plane and coming here that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't see how to merge his reality and us. I was shocked. I mean, we weren't perfect but after reassuring me constantly that he wasn't going to leave, I had become positive he wasn't going anywhere. Just the week before I had been sick as a dog, he laid in bed with me on the phone and watched movies with me. He told me he wanted to pay for me to go to the doctor and hated how I didn't feel well. Just 2 weeks before he'd sent me a little card saying how much he loved me with a gift. Just the day of he told me how grateful he was for me. I worked so hard on myself for my best interest but also for us because I wanted what we had to be real. Yet, not only were we suddenly no longer meeting, but I was being dumped. I was being dumped by the same guy who told me I was his favorite every day for a year. The same guy who bought us both phones so we could Skype together. The guy who would come home and call me 9+ times to wake me up after work because he missed me. The guy who willingly brought up marriage on his own, having a family together, and told me regularly that I was the one for him.
I was a mess and a week later of no talking I got an e-mail after I'd missed a call. He told me he was certain he loved me and he missed me. That he hated where he worked, his weight, where he lived, and he had to sort through everything he felt before he could even think of a relationship. Then a week later I called him a few nights and we talked for like 2 hours+. We laughed and had outrageous conversations about whether we'd be a werewolf vs a vampire. We flirted and when I told him things like it's so clear you adore me, he didn't deny it. After a few nights of this I tried to see if we could watch or play something, he said he didn't know. I said I felt he was giving me mixed messages. He said he just can't be casual with me and that I complicate things. That he couldn't get past my deception (lying about weight) and how it'd put off meeting for so long. I cried and asked how could he just kick me out of his life like this. He was so frustrated with me I could tell he wanted me to go away, so I did. Then a week later I started sending e-mail updates about my life. I got no responses. I was planning a trip with my girlfriend to Disney next year and I jokingly sent him an e-mail saying it'd be awesome if he could go with me and that he could take his time to figure things out but could he do it within a year. I also sent another one saying how everyone was telling me I was being dumb but I didn't care because I felt he was worth it. He responded to that one saying that I shouldn't for one second think that he hadn't wanted to email me but he just didn't know what to say. That he liked my updates and that he wanted to figure everything that, that he didn't want to take a year. I made videos for him and I sent them to him along with sexy pictures thinking I could get him to see what he was missing. It took me all night to send the videos to him (I'd asked and he said he did want me to send them) When I got no response to anything, I started to get the message that he didn't want me anymore.
10 days passed, and finally I broke down. He sent me an e-mail saying he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that he couldn't do the distance thing. That part of him loved me and he missed me, but that he was back to the place before we met where he didn't want a relationship. He mentioned the distance thing 4 times. I asked if we could talk on Skype because it'd help me to hear these things as close to face to face as we could. We talked for a half hour normally, just laughing. He told me he missed me and then i asked if he was done done, he said he felt like he was. He hemmed and hawed for about 30 seconds before he said he didn't feel like I should wait when I asked him if he just had things to work out for himself. I cried, and he got teary. The worst part was I kept smiling because even though he was breaking my heart, that was the face of the man I loved. I could see in his face how much he loved me, and not just in a delusional sense. I could genuinely see it, feel it in him when he was talking to me. I asked him if he thought about what this means in the long term sense, if I was no longer the person he wanted at his side. He said he hadn't thought about it. He told me he wasn't against meeting but that he didn't know how because he couldn't see me without being very attracted to me and it wasn't going to change that he didn't want a relationship now. He wanted to keep in touch via e-mail for the big events. We told each other we loved each other one last time via Skype and then he called me at my request. We did a bit of dirty talking and he told me he couldn't resist me, that he still always thought of me when he, well you know. I just wanted to connect one more time. The last thing we said to each other was "I miss you." The next day I sent 2 e-mails begging him to at least meet me, to stop and think about what he was doing. Finally, I got so angry about everything because I realized how crappy it was, I sent him an e-mail going off. I haven't talked to him since then which is a week ago and he hasn't reached out.
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