Dealing with distance

[sr1408]

I've been in a LDR since September 9th, the first day we met in real life. He is from Spain and I am from UK. We try and meet every month, like every 30 days. However, I just came back from a 2 week visit there and I miss him terribly. Because of exams the next visit is the end of June, and im finding it hard to cope with it. I miss him so much, it doesn't matter how I fill my day with friends/gym/studying, I don't feel much better. I came home on Monday and after I came home I cried in bed. Ive cried everyday since. I even fall out with my family because of it because I want to leave here, my studies and move to Spain to work and be with him. I should be happy because I know in June I'll be with him until Septemeber since we have a long summer due to uni and summer jobs planned in Spain. But then I know I have to come home and the distance will continue again. I love him so much, I don't want to leave him but im honestly finding it so hard to deal with the distance. Yes, we skype and phonecall everyday but it's never the same. We usually fall on asleep on the phone but he just fell asleep first and skype died, and I found myself crying uncontrollably and phoning him to try and wake him up. This is what brought me here. Is this making me go crazy? We also seem to argue a bit more when we are apart, stupid arguments and it's mainly my fault bc I complain so much about the distance. He is 22 and Im 18, sometimes I think I'm maybe too young to deal with it but I can't imagine loving someone else. If anyone has made it to the end of this extremely long post then please give me advice on how to be happy because honestly im miserable and I hate my life without my boyfriend in it.

[Harlequin]

It's pretty common to be super sad after a visit. It sucks going from having them there all the time, to not having them there at all. You argue a bit more probably because you miss each other, and sometimes it's difficult to articulate that. It hurts to have to think about the distance, which can trigger some very strong emotions. It's like, of course the distance sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it in the immediate future, so why bring it up? But at the same time, it's what's on your mind and what you feel you need to talk about. You miss each other. The distance feels impossible right now, but once you get back into the swing of things, things will start to feel normal and you'll feel like you can manage the distance better.

There's no real magic fix to getting back into the swing of things. You've been crying for about a week, which is enough time for a post-visit blues period. What you need to do is give yourself a kick to the rear and really throw yourself into your life. It's going to keep moving forward, and clinging to these feelings aren't going to help you. Every time you start to think about how tough it is, remind yourself that these feelings are only temporary. You can and will get through this as you have in the past. Force yourself to think positively about everything, and focus on the stuff that's important right now. Your s/o is important, sure, but school is more important. Your relationship with your family is more important. Getting back into the swing of things is more important.

Acknowledge that you miss him and that's fine, but also acknowledge that it's okay to enjoy yourself without him being there, and then force yourself to do it. You were able to live your life without him there before, and you can absolutely do it again.

[whatruckus]

There's actually threads with this same topic all over this forum. I don't know if you noticed when you typed your thread subject, all the other (already made) threads popped up like a little search.

What works for everyone on this forum, and what we've told people over and over again, is to stay busy. Keep communication with your SO. Take up new hobbies, hang out with your friends, hang out with your family, go to work, focus on school...pretty much anything to keep your mind off of the distance and sadness, so you're not just sitting there thinking about it all the time.

I also really don't recommend calling your SO to wake him up like that. If I did that to mine, he'd get extremely mad at me.

Almost all of us have been in our LDR's for years, and will probably continue being LDR for months, or years (myself included). If you keep focusing on the distance, being sad, then yeah...you're not going to make it and I'm being honest. The more negative you are, and the more negative you act, your SO will pick up on it and start to reciprocate. Stop complaining so much because he's obviously getting annoyed with it if you're fighting all the time. You do seem a bit immature in the way you're handling things and the way you go about things. But, if this is what you want, and you really do love him, stick with it. However, if you honestly can't focus on anything BUT the distance, then maybe being in an LDR is not right for you. They're not right for everyone, but you can't make both of you miserable with your negativity and insecurities.

[Moon]

Again all, report and ignore.

[differentcountries]

A week is a long time to be sad. I have been there, I visit internationally every month or so too, just came back. Actually, what has helped me is to start living in the moment more. Instead of being sad over the distance or not knowing when to close it, I face what is the problem, which is I want answers and certainty, and that is not possible. He will definitively work at least another season, perhaps stay longer in his country too. So I ask myself: given that I don't know, what will be the best way? For instance, both of us learning the other's language will be good no matter what will happen.

I also try actively to reap the benifits of this travelling. So does everyone else! I am quite the export /import thing these days... Which gives my travels more meaning and connects me to friends in both countries.

[sr1408]

It's pretty common to be super sad after a visit. It sucks going from having them there all the time, to not having them there at all. You argue a bit more probably because you miss each other, and sometimes it's difficult to articulate that. It hurts to have to think about the distance, which can trigger some very strong emotions. It's like, of course the distance sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it in the immediate future, so why bring it up? But at the same time, it's what's on your mind and what you feel you need to talk about. You miss each other. The distance feels impossible right now, but once you get back into the swing of things, things will start to feel normal and you'll feel like you can manage the distance better.

There's no real magic fix to getting back into the swing of things. You've been crying for about a week, which is enough time for a post-visit blues period. What you need to do is give yourself a kick to the rear and really throw yourself into your life. It's going to keep moving forward, and clinging to these feelings aren't going to help you. Every time you start to think about how tough it is, remind yourself that these feelings are only temporary. You can and will get through this as you have in the past. Force yourself to think positively about everything, and focus on the stuff that's important right now. Your s/o is important, sure, but school is more important. Your relationship with your family is more important. Getting back into the swing of things is more important.

Acknowledge that you miss him and that's fine, but also acknowledge that it's okay to enjoy yourself without him being there, and then force yourself to do it. You were able to live your life without him there before, and you can absolutely do it again.

Thank you so much. I tell myself the last thing a lot too, I lived fine without him here before so I can do it now. I have exams coming up so soon so I guess I'll focus on that and look forward to being with him during summer

[sr1408]

Sorry im new to the website so I'll have to learn my way about it haha. Thanks for the advice. Honestly I don't know why I phoned to try and wake him up, it's even like me to do something like that. I've thought so many times the distance isn't right for me but ive got someone so amazing that I don't want to give up and he gives me the motivation to keep going. I've been called immature before, and I probably am with the way I deal with it sometimes. He's much more positive than me and knows it will work, sometimes I know im bringing him down with my negativity but im working on it because it's so not fair on him. He knows it's only for the first week after being together then I get better and better as time goes on. Thanks again.

[sr1408]

There's actually threads with this same topic all over this forum. I don't know if you noticed when you typed your thread subject, all the other (already made) threads popped up like a little search.

What works for everyone on this forum, and what we've told people over and over again, is to stay busy. Keep communication with your SO. Take up new hobbies, hang out with your friends, hang out with your family, go to work, focus on school...pretty much anything to keep your mind off of the distance and sadness, so you're not just sitting there thinking about it all the time.

I also really don't recommend calling your SO to wake him up like that. If I did that to mine, he'd get extremely mad at me.

Almost all of us have been in our LDR's for years, and will probably continue being LDR for months, or years (myself included). If you keep focusing on the distance, being sad, then yeah...you're not going to make it and I'm being honest. The more negative you are, and the more negative you act, your SO will pick up on it and start to reciprocate. Stop complaining so much because he's obviously getting annoyed with it if you're fighting all the time. You do seem a bit immature in the way you're handling things and the way you go about things. But, if this is what you want, and you really do love him, stick with it. However, if you honestly can't focus on anything BUT the distance, then maybe being in an LDR is not right for you. They're not right for everyone, but you can't make both of you miserable with your negativity and insecurities.

Sorry im new to the website so I'll have to learn my way about it haha. Thanks for the advice. Honestly I don't know why I phoned to try and wake him up, it's even like me to do something like that. I've thought so many times the distance isn't right for me but ive got someone so amazing that I don't want to give up and he gives me the motivation to keep going. I've been called immature before, and I probably am with the way I deal with it sometimes. He's much more positive than me and knows it will work, sometimes I know im bringing him down with my negativity but im working on it because it's so not fair on him. He knows it's only for the first week after being together then I get better and better as time goes on. Thanks again.

[differentcountries]

Seriously, if you see each other everyone month you can't have a one week morning period each month, because then all you do is either travel /or be sad! We used to be sad for a week but slowly we were able to cut it down to about two days. Each person is different but if you search for ways to cope you will find them.

[whatruckus]

Seriously, if you see each other everyone month you can't have a one week morning period each month, because then all you do is either travel /or be sad! We used to be sad for a week but slowly we were able to cut it down to about two days. Each person is different but if you search for ways to cope you will find them.

Didn't even realize they saw each other every month. But, I agree. That's like 2 weeks, or so, of you being "normal" before your visit, then you have your visit, and then you're sad again. And, after almost 8 months and all those visits, I wouldn't say you would be "used" to it by now, but I feel like you should be able to know how to cope with it by now. I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but you can't let it get to you so much.

I still get sad after almost 2 1/2 years, in fact I miss my SO a lot right now even though I saw him a week and a half ago. But, I'm not going to badger him about it. As long as you guys have visits planned and your communication is good, I would try not to let it bother you so much. Reminding him all the time of how much it sucks and how much you miss him will get annoying (to him) real fast. Every now and then is fine, but if it's something you're constantly reminding him of, then I think you should cut it down.

Like I said before, if you just keep focusing how sad your are, how much you miss him, and how much the distance sucks...then you're going to keep being sad.