Some advice about my LDR + he's a policeman!

[Farawayhan]

I apologise in advance if this ends up being super long but I'd genuinely appreciate any advice anyone can give.

Backstory - boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and a half, relatively long distance, he's about 2 hours away (I know not that long compared to most on this site but still). He's also a recently qualified police officer (UK).

So, as he's far away and works shifts I very rarely see him midweek (which is fine, I'm a teacher and am normally exhausted by 7pm most evenings!)

We tend to see each other at weekends (with a few weekends in between each meet)
Obviously he has a very dangerous job and I worry greatly which leads to worrying when I don't get a text back etc but I'm normally (not always)okay to cope with that. How do you cope knowing your boyfriend does such a dangerous job? My other issue is that he puts work first. There have been a few occasions where he's said he'll come down and he hasn't and so on. I realise I sound like a whiny bitch but I was just wondering if anyone else is in similar situation and I should be concerned that I don't seem to be any sort of priority to him? He's missed a cousins wedding and a couple of other family events, although he did attend my brothers wedding and always tries to see me on my birthday. I sometimes feel like he puts work first but i suppose I'm asking if that's normal given the job he's in? He tells me he loves me every day, but sometimes I feel it's out of habit or whatever. He's quite a guarded and closed person and I hate having those 'feelings' conversations over the phone, particularly after he's come off a 12 hour shift and I know he's exhausted. How do I approach this? I've got to tell him my concerns/fears right? I know when I'm sad he finds it difficult because he's far away and can't help + feels guilty because he can't be there but I don't want to keep it bottled up for that reason. Please help as soon as you can, I love this guy a lot and want to make sure I'm supportive but not damaging my own well being because of it!
Thank you for reading if you did xx

[p_b82]

My dad is now ex military, and my uncle is an ex copper, and I will say this to you - the job comes first in that line of work, you have to accept it, or unfortunately leave it.

With that said, yes you should be able to speak about your fears and concerns, but as you rightly say, coming of the back of a 12hr shift is not the right time for that IMO - If I were you, I'd either plan a time to have a call when you know his shift pattern is better, or write it in an email or a letter for him so he can digest it at his own leisure.

One thing I will say you should be careful about, is things like not believing him if he says he loves you - he sounds like me to be the type that (as I am similar) that if what I say is not being believed or questioned then I will stop saying it, or eventually stop feeling it. Much like the person that keeps accusing their partner that they are cheating when they are not etc....

Long and the short is that you have to decide if you can deal with the LDR yourself, and if it makes you happy enough to outweigh the bad and negative times - we all know how much it hurts to not be able to give that hug when it is needed, but for some that physical closeness means that an LDR is just not for them - my ex was that way as it turned out.....

Hope you work it all out and get through this low patch

[Farawayhan]

My dad is now ex military, and my uncle is an ex copper, and I will say this to you - the job comes first in that line of work, you have to accept it, or unfortunately leave it.

With that said, yes you should be able to speak about your fears and concerns, but as you rightly say, coming of the back of a 12hr shift is not the right time for that IMO - If I were you, I'd either plan a time to have a call when you know his shift pattern is better, or write it in an email or a letter for him so he can digest it at his own leisure.

One thing I will say you should be careful about, is things like not believing him if he says he loves you - he sounds like me to be the type that (as I am similar) that if what I say is not being believed or questioned then I will stop saying it, or eventually stop feeling it. Much like the person that keeps accusing their partner that they are cheating when they are not etc....

Long and the short is that you have to decide if you can deal with the LDR yourself, and if it makes you happy enough to outweigh the bad and negative times - we all know how much it hurts to not be able to give that hug when it is needed, but for some that physical closeness means that an LDR is just not for them - my ex was that way as it turned out.....

Hope you work it all out and get through this low patch

Thank you, it's nice to hear that it's part of the job and not just be being paranoid! Thank you for your advice as well, kinda puts it into a good perspective for me and how maybe I need to be more chilled and accept it for what it is, which is a great relationship with someone who makes me very happy!
Thank you again x

[TheSteelAngel]

I am also dating a police officer and I know your struggles first hand. Every single one of these I've dealt with or am currently dealing with. He works nights so I only get to talk to him when he's off, yet he's been doing better at texting me lol. Yes his job is very dangerous and he always runs the risk of getting hurt. Just recently he hurt his ankle real bad while chasing someone, and he may need surgery :/ He'll be ok, he just needs to stay off it for a while. My SO also always promises me things but doesn't always keep them, but I can't really hold it against him. He's got a lot going on and I know he always feels bad when he can't keep them. I think your SO is the same way. You also have to know that his job will always come first. He's sworn to serve and protect and that's what he needs to do.

So what you're feeling is completely acceptable. It's ok to feel needy, especially when you know he's been working too hard haha. Just tell him your fears and always tell him that you love him and to be careful. That will make his day, trust me

[Farawayhan]

I am also dating a police officer and I know your struggles first hand. Every single one of these I've dealt with or am currently dealing with. He works nights so I only get to talk to him when he's off, yet he's been doing better at texting me lol. Yes his job is very dangerous and he always runs the risk of getting hurt. Just recently he hurt his ankle real bad while chasing someone, and he may need surgery :/ He'll be ok, he just needs to stay off it for a while. My SO also always promises me things but doesn't always keep them, but I can't really hold it against him. He's got a lot going on and I know he always feels bad when he can't keep them. I think your SO is the same way. You also have to know that his job will always come first. He's sworn to serve and protect and that's what he needs to do.

So what you're feeling is completely acceptable. It's ok to feel needy, especially when you know he's been working too hard haha. Just tell him your fears and always tell him that you love him and to be careful. That will make his day, trust me

Thank you! It's always nice to hear that's it's not just me being paranoid or needy but that it seems it's a downside of dating a police officer. I have so much respect for him because of his job but I suppose sometimes I get a bit selfish and think of how I wish he had a 'normal' job which meant we could be together more easily. I do also think he makes more effort with texting but sometimes I pick the wrong time to have a deep and meaningful conversation!

Thanks for you advice xx

[MissingMyDutchLove]

My father worked a rather dangerous job as well. When I asked my mother about why she didn't worry every day when he went to work, she said that there isn't a single day that she doesn't worry about him but that you can't live your life in constant fear. I think that's important for you to keep in mind in this situation. You can worry. You will worry, but you can't let that worry get the best of you or overwhelm you. Make sure your SO knows how important those text message or calls are. He may be running late because of a call or be extremely busy, but he can take a moment just to call and tell you he's okay or send a text saying the same. It's about you not fearing the worst at every moment and him keeping you updated so you have no need to worry.

[R&R]

My father worked a rather dangerous job as well. When I asked my mother about why she didn't worry every day when he went to work, she said that there isn't a single day that she doesn't worry about him but that you can't live your life in constant fear. I think that's important for you to keep in mind in this situation. You can worry. You will worry, but you can't let that worry get the best of you or overwhelm you. Make sure your SO knows how important those text message or calls are. He may be running late because of a call or be extremely busy, but he can take a moment just to call and tell you he's okay or send a text saying the same. It's about you not fearing the worst at every moment and him keeping you updated so you have no need to worry.

^^^^THIS

I come from a family of police officers (grandfather, father, uncle) and have dated military. You always worry when they go out for a shift but you can't let that take over. The bond of those in the police force, military and firefighting is something even more than that with their family. That job will always come first - on duty or off duty. Things can change on a dime. Getting back to you if something is going on at work is not going to be a priority. He needs to focus on his job, not being distracted by the fact that if he doesn't get in touch that you are going to freak out.

It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who has chosen these professions. It's even harder if it's LD. You have to decide if you are ready and capable of handing the schedule, the changes in plans a lot and the fact that he can't and won't be able to share everything he's dealing with at work. It takes a very strong, mature, understanding, flexible, independent and committed person to be with someone in these professions.

[Unconditional]

Being in love with a military man myself, things happen communication isn't amazing, but it's amazing when i get to hear from him. He's busy a lot especially in spring with the training that happens. He always makes it a point to tell me that he loves me and asks me how I'm doing because he knows how hard this is on me- the girl that used to have no patience whatsoever. He knows i get worried if i go a week or so without hearing from him and he makes it a point whenever he has time to call me- not text but call. He knows i treasure calls more than texts and honestly it is nice sometimes to be woken by a skype call from him- it makes my entire day.

Both of the following replies stuck out to me:

The bond of those in the police force, military and firefighting is something even more than that with their family. That job will always come first - on duty or off duty. Things can change on a dime. Getting back to you if something is going on at work is not going to be a priority. He needs to focus on his job, not being distracted by the fact that if he doesn't get in touch that you are going to freak out.

It is extremely important to know going into this that his job will always come first. Is it hard to accept that? Oh yeah but once you do it makes things a little bit easier. He needs you to be calm, and not freak out when you don't hear from him because when he is busy focusing on work the last thing he needs to do is be so distracted and worried on how you are holding up that he loses that focus. We've got to be strong. We have no other choice.

It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who has chosen these professions. It's even harder if it's LD. You have to decide if you are ready and capable of handing the schedule, the changes in plans a lot and the fact that he can't and won't be able to share everything he's dealing with at work. It takes a very strong, mature, understanding, flexible, independent and committed person to be with someone in these professions.

No it's not, it is definitely one of the hardest things i have done. There will be days that you will worry so much you cry and sometimes you have to just let yourself have that cry just so you can pick yourself back up and go about your day. If i were to prioritize the adjectives R&R has listed, it would be: Committed, Understanding, Flexible, Independent, Strong, and Mature. Some days committed is the only one that will keep you sane- i will not lie about that.

When I asked my mother about why she didn't worry every day when he went to work, she said that there isn't a single day that she doesn't worry about him but that you can't live your life in constant fear.
I think that's important for you to keep in mind in this situation. You can worry. You will worry, but you can't let that worry get the best of you or overwhelm you.

THIS. Exactly. You can worry. You are justified in your worrying but do not let that consume your life. Your SO would not want that and neither do you. There are some days that are worse than others and that is okay, just take it one day at a time. there is really nothing else you can do.
Hope you find the advice you needed.

[TheSteelAngel]

Thank you! It's always nice to hear that's it's not just me being paranoid or needy but that it seems it's a downside of dating a police officer. I have so much respect for him because of his job but I suppose sometimes I get a bit selfish and think of how I wish he had a 'normal' job which meant we could be together more easily. I do also think he makes more effort with texting but sometimes I pick the wrong time to have a deep and meaningful conversation!

Thanks for you advice xx

Lol no problem It's nice knowing that there are others who know exactly what I'm going through. Also be sure to keep in mind that even though he's off duty he's on duty. My SO almost is always texting someone from work even though he's Skyping with me. It bugs the hell out of me but I have to deal with it. Sometimes he gets called into work even though he's supposed to be off, and he has to leave mid conversation with me. Unfortunately, dating a cop means dating his job as well, and there will be many broken promises and many nights alone but it's all worth it in the end. Because we love our men who wear that badge

[whatruckus]

My SO is now a Veteran (US Army) and he's a Corrections Officer (prison guard) in a State prison. SteelAngel and I are always talking about our SO's. Lol. Anyways, while mine's not a cop, what he does is still very dangerous (I'm worried about riots, fights, him being stabbed...etc). I also don't hear from mine all the time, he's not allowed to have his phone on him at all when he's working (safety precautions). So, for 8+ hours a day I don't hear from him. Plus, there are times where he gets "mandated" (told he has to do it, and can't say no) to do over time, or gets asked and he'll say yes. When this happens, I don't hear from him for about 16 hours. I never know when he's going to do over time, he can't let me know (due to the whole phone thing, and he has no time to get to a phone to call me. I don't even think he could). So, I feel your pain. Surprisingly, it wasn't even this bad when he was in the Army. Lol. But, I try to keep myself busy. It was hard at first when he got this job last year, but I've actually started getting used to it. Lol.

And, like others have said, his career will always come first. That's just the way it is. He has a duty to protect people and he can, and will, be called in to work whenever they need him. He'll always be on-call. Mine, thankfully isn't, but he did trade shifts with someone for this weekend when he was supposed to be off, and I'm supposed to come over. But, I guess it's okay because the other guy wanted to spend time with his kid.

I know that it is stressful, and you worry a lot about him. Just know that he knows that you're worried and he does his best, and try not freak out every time he doesn't text you.

Also, I agree with the brotherhood/bond that comes with these types of jobs. My SO doesn't have it so much with his Corrections position, but he still does have it with his Army guys.

[TheSteelAngel]

My SO is now a Veteran (US Army) and he's a Corrections Officer (prison guard) in a State prison. SteelAngel and I are always talking about our SO's. Lol. Anyways, while mine's not a cop, what he does is still very dangerous (I'm worried about riots, fights, him being stabbed...etc). I also don't hear from mine all the time, he's not allowed to have his phone on him at all when he's working (safety precautions). So, for 8+ hours a day I don't hear from him. Plus, there are times where he gets "mandated" (told he has to do it, and can't say no) to do over time, or gets asked and he'll say yes. When this happens, I don't hear from him for about 16 hours. I never know when he's going to do over time, he can't let me know (due to the whole phone thing, and he has no time to get to a phone to call me. I don't even think he could). So, I feel your pain. Surprisingly, it wasn't even this bad when he was in the Army. Lol. But, I try to keep myself busy. It was hard at first when he got this job last year, but I've actually started getting used to it. Lol.

And, like others have said, his career will always come first. That's just the way it is. He has a duty to protect people and he can, and will, be called in to work whenever they need him. He'll always be on-call. Mine, thankfully isn't, but he did trade shifts with someone for this weekend when he was supposed to be off, and I'm supposed to come over. But, I guess it's okay because the other guy wanted to spend time with his kid.

I know that it is stressful, and you worry a lot about him. Just know that he knows that you're worried and he does his best, and try not freak out every time he doesn't text you.

Also, I agree with the brotherhood/bond that comes with these types of jobs. My SO doesn't have it so much with his Corrections position, but he still does have it with his Army guys.

Lol yes, we do talk about our SOs a lot haha. Not only are their jobs similar, but they live and work in the same city so that coincidence is also pretty nice lol. And my SO is also required to do overtime every once in a while. In fact he's doing overtime tonight even though he's hurt, yet he told me he signed up for it before he got hurt since he needs the money. I'm lucky that my SO can tell me about his work, since I'm a Criminal Justice major in school and I can understand these things, but every once in al while there are some things that I feel that he won't talk to me about and that's ok too. Honestly it takes a whole lot out of you to get used to the things they do, but when you do you can actually feel your relationship improving over time, which is pretty darn nice lol.

[Farawayhan]

Lol no problem It's nice knowing that there are others who know exactly what I'm going through. Also be sure to keep in mind that even though he's off duty he's on duty. My SO almost is always texting someone from work even though he's Skyping with me. It bugs the hell out of me but I have to deal with it. Sometimes he gets called into work even though he's supposed to be off, and he has to leave mid conversation with me. Unfortunately, dating a cop means dating his job as well, and there will be many broken promises and many nights alone but it's all worth it in the end. Because we love our men who wear that badge

Haha yeah I feel my SO never quite switches off from work but I guess it takes a certain type of person to have the dedication to be a police officer. I'm very proud of him! Love telling people he's a policeman people are always impressed haha