4,000+ miles away--just a pipe dream?

[champton]

Hello,
I met my SO on an online penpal site. At first it was just getting to know each other and our different countries. He is from Scotland and I am in Wyoming.
We have been talking for a little over a month now and we get along great! He is very intelligent and our conversations are never boring!
He is going to be visiting me this summer, and if we enjoy each other's company my mom and I are going to be visiting Scotland in the fall.

My stepdad and a few other people in my life are not the most supportive in my choice to have a LDR with someone in a different country. I love adventure and this just seems right.
I haven't had the best luck with relationships in my past, but for some reason, I feel excited and extremely hopeful in my choice.

My question is: Should I be listening to the people who consider my LDR a pipe dream? Having a SO in a different country across an ocean is a major thing. I guess all I'm looking for is someone to kind of give me a confidence boost with this.

Thank you!

[Moon]

Well, it's been working fine for me! In fact, look around this forum, it works for many people. You have to be a strong, independent woman for it to work long-term though, you can't be the needy type. You have to be willing to communicate and compromise, and if you're a jealous kinda girl, just forget about it right now.

It can most definitely work though, and even though LDR's have their own set of challenges, they're just relationships. You have to work with what you've got, you know? Like all relationships, it may or may not work out in the long run, but you face that risk with anyone you take a chance on, regardless if they live next door, or a few continents away. Good luck.

[champton]

Thank you for that! I like to think I'm the definition of independent. I'm 21 and I just bought a house and I've never really needed a man do achieve my dreams and goals.
I really appreciate your reply, it made me feel like anything is possible....and it is!

[Miasmata]

Yeah, Moon pretty much nailed it. When you both want to make it work, know what you want and know what you can do for it, you got very good chances. Any relationship can fail, but the way I see it, you will much more regret not taking the chance than going for it and having it not work out in the end. Communicate plenty, and figure things out together, but that's advice relevant for any relationship. Plenty of people made it work, and what stops you from finding out whether you will too?

[1991md]

I don't think anyone can tell you how you should live your life.

I agree with what everyone else said, you both get along great it's definitely worth a shot to develop things and see where they go.

You will always regret never trying. After the first meeting js when I would totally say you should make promises. Just get to know each other as best as you can until then.

All the best to you!

[Scouse05]

I totally agree with the comments above. I was a sceptic when it came to LDRs until I met the woman of my dreams who lives over 10000 miles away. We have recently had our 1st meeting and I now know that this was all meant to be and I can never regret having a LDR. The communication I have with my SO is better than any relationship I've had where we have seen each other frequently and this has encouraged a different level of emotional intimacy which doesn't exactly make up for the lack of physical intimacy but enhances our relationship.

I'm not sure about others on here but for me the important thing is knowing that there is an end game for us and we are working towards our future where we will close the distance and live together. I could not imagine what a LDR would be like where this was not the case.

Ignore the doubters and listen to your intuition. If you feel it is right to give it a go then do it - as previously said, you will regret it if you don't try.

Best of luck x

[Moon]

I totally agree with the comments above. I was a sceptic when it came to LDRs until I met the woman of my dreams who lives over 10000 miles away. We have recently had our 1st meeting and I now know that this was all meant to be and I can never regret having a LDR. The communication I have with my SO is better than any relationship I've had where we have seen each other frequently and this has encouraged a different level of emotional intimacy which doesn't exactly make up for the lack of physical intimacy but enhances our relationship.

I'm not sure about others on here but for me the important thing is knowing that there is an end game for us and we are working towards our future where we will close the distance and live together. I could not imagine what a LDR would be like where this was not the case.

Ignore the doubters and listen to your intuition. If you feel it is right to give it a go then do it - as previously said, you will regret it if you don't try.

Best of luck x

They've only known each other less two months, it might be a bit too early to even think about closing the distance right now. They haven't even met yet, and are pretty young

[Phantomrose]

I agree that an International LDR can work; it just takes time, and patience. I have been in my LDR with my husband for about eight years now (we married in 2012). When in an international LDR, skype and the webcam are your best friends. Also, you have to be very creative in ways on how to spend time together. Try not to listen to the nay sayers, and give the LDR a try. If you have a strong personality, and patience, it can work out great.

[Scouse05]

They've only known each other less two months, it might be a bit too early to even think about closing the distance right now. They haven't even met yet, and are pretty young

Whilst I agree with them not rushing into anything I didn't necessarily mean they had to look at closing the distance right away or even in the short/medium term future. What I meant was what is the point of starting a LDR with someone if you never intend to close the distance or one of you does want to move to be with/near the other. Knowing that one day my SO and I both want to live together and I will be the one moving to her is what keeps me going.

In my opinion closing the distance has to be considered right from the beginning - nothing needs to be done about it and no commitments made but it needs to be a topic of conversation because what if one is not prepared to move (or both)? I know there are people who are in LDRs for a long time but ultimately from what I can see, the aim for the majority is still the same - to close the distance when the time is right.

This doesn't mean that they still can't take things as they come, enjoy the messaging, meeting, etc and take their time. It just means they both know where they stand. And of course, like all relationships, things can change...

[differentcountries]

Whilst I agree with them not rushing into anything I didn't necessarily mean they had to look at closing the distance right away or even in the short/medium term future. What I meant was what is the point of starting a LDR with someone if you never intend to close the distance or one of you does want to move to be with/near the other. Knowing that one day my SO and I both want to live together and I will be the one moving to her is what keeps me going.

In my opinion closing the distance has to be considered right from the beginning - nothing needs to be done about it and no commitments made but it needs to be a topic of conversation because what if one is not prepared to move (or both)? I know there are people who are in LDRs for a long time but ultimately from what I can see, the aim for the majority is still the same - to close the distance when the time is right.

This doesn't mean that they still can't take things as they come, enjoy the messaging, meeting, etc and take their time. It just means they both know where they stand. And of course, like all relationships, things can change...

For me, an important aspect of international LDR is to forget about closing the distance. Just leave the issue be for a while. It is not just about where you stand... I agree taking the relationship seriously is important, and we had a proposal of sorts very early on. But not talking about closing the distance was important to us because it really is difficult to do - there are language challenges, we can't marry, and I didn't want him to feel like I expected him to move to work. I started to learn his language before he started on learning mine, showing him I could put the effort in. Also, the way I see it is if you are in an international relationship you will travel even after you "close" the distance. I expect the majority of our vacation time to be travelling to the same places I do now, we even talked about buying a house there. I think what I told him early on was that I will travel as long as it takes, ie it is more important for me to be with him than if/when we close the distance. Now we have started to talk about distance closing, but it was very important that first year not to, and rather just focus on planning visits and getting to know each other.

[snow]

We've been over 4,000 miles away from each other and now we're married and live together! LDRs are definitely not easy, but if it's something you want and you put a lot of effort into it, anything is possible

[Kapwned]

Well it seems like you guys did rush into a relationship if your wording means you've known each other just over a month and a half. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Lots of people start dating earlier on and use the relationship to get to know each other. But remember that, you're still getting to know each other. So note that any long term goals you've set in stone (such as visits) for the next 6 months may change drastically. In my experience relationships have a few turn around periods. 3 months, 6 months, and then 2 years. I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm glad you both have the means of getting to visit each other so soon in your relationship, just remember that because you're using your relationship to get to know each other, just make a mental note.

It's not like you're already planning to move to Scotland or something. But I agree with Scouse05. You shouldn't worry about it or work for it right yet, but make sure that as you guys become serious that you have a talk on closing the distance should you come to a point where that is what you want to do. Closing the distance, especially for an international LDR, takes a lot of time, so you won't be able to suddenly decide you want to move to Scotland in the next 3-6 months. It'll be more like 6 months to 2 years. So consider that ahead of time.

[Alle1770]

Well, it's been working out just fine for me, and my SO and I are over 8000 miles apart! This forum is full of people who are currently in really long long-distance relationships, or that have overcome them and are now living together! So it's definitely doable, if you're both willing to put in the effort it takes to keep a relationship alive over such distance. And you're always going to meet people who will disapprove of your relationship - but as long as you're happy with it, screw them My aunt kept telling me in the beginning of our relationship to give it up, that it would never work and that we would end up breaking up soon anyways - and here we are, 4 years down the road Best of luck with everything!

[Moon]

Whilst I agree with them not rushing into anything I didn't necessarily mean they had to look at closing the distance right away or even in the short/medium term future. What I meant was what is the point of starting a LDR with someone if you never intend to close the distance or one of you does want to move to be with/near the other. Knowing that one day my SO and I both want to live together and I will be the one moving to her is what keeps me going.

In my opinion closing the distance has to be considered right from the beginning - nothing needs to be done about it and no commitments made but it needs to be a topic of conversation because what if one is not prepared to move (or both)? I know there are people who are in LDRs for a long time but ultimately from what I can see, the aim for the majority is still the same - to close the distance when the time is right.

This doesn't mean that they still can't take things as they come, enjoy the messaging, meeting, etc and take their time. It just means they both know where they stand. And of course, like all relationships, things can change...

I'll have to disagree with you there. Just because closing the distance is an important aspect in your relationship, doesn't mean it's a requirement for all LDR's. There are those of us who cannot close the distance in the foreseeable future, and are OK with that. Just like conventional relationships, every LDR and it's dynamics is different for everyone. When you tell people they HAVE to start thinking about closing the distance in order to make the relationship work, it's very discouraging for those who, for whatever reason, are unable to do so. It makes then think they're relationship is doomed, which isn't always the case.

[p_b82]

I'll have to disagree with you there. Just because closing the distance is an important aspect in your relationship, doesn't mean it's a requirement for all LDR's. There are those of us who cannot close the distance in the foreseeable future, and are OK with that. Just like conventional relationships, every LDR and it's dynamics is different for everyone. When you tell people they HAVE to start thinking about closing the distance in order to make the relationship work, it's very discouraging for those who, for whatever reason, are unable to do so. It makes then think they're relationship is doomed, which isn't always the case.

I think there is a balance and while I do agree that every single relationship is different, if the OP thinks it is important that in time they would rather be together than apart, then I think it is sensible to discuss the very basics - EG who will be willing to move to whom, and rough sort of timeline if they were to try and do so. What you need to not to is to rush things, as that can add huge pressure that might be fine for one person, but not the other.

But as has been said, these should not be set in stone, and you should be able to discuss and change things as the relationship evolves - I know the hard way the price of that not happening, and as Kapwned said, for me it the 6month point that was my stumbling block in this one.

Should I get into another LDR, I know I would do things differently, but how so all depends on the other person I meet - my father has told me not to get involved with some-one 3000+ miles away again, and I politely told him to mind his own business and if it happens it happens.

So to comment to the OP - no, distance with modern technology should not be a reason to instantly rule out a relationship - but just be aware that an LDR over that distance and timezones is tough, and when things are not going well in your life, you will really feel the lack of immediate support that you would be able to get from a CD person, be careful to make sure that you are in love with the actual person, and not just a projection/idea of them would be my only advice - and you should be able to work this out after you meet them and spend some time with them, and get to know them better online as well.