I'm bad at relationships

[oinkpig329]

I'm bad at real commitment, in friendships or otherwise, so this may be a stupid question but I ask because I'm trying hard to learn. I can get to a certain point, about a year in, then when the real work starts I perceive it as incompatiblity and bail. I dont want that again, so I need to re-learn what it means to really love someone in a lot of particular ways. So my question:

Is it normal to sometimes hate one of the things that attracts you to your SO? An example could be their sense of humor. sometimes you think it's hilarious, other times it makes them the most annoying person in the room.

[Noodle]

I was bad at relationships....my relationships would never last more than two months. I would usually get annoyed by the person or just plain bored.

What's different then the relationship with my fiance is that he was not the type I usually went for. But something inside of me told me to take a chance. And it's this relationship that taught me so much about what's it like to be in a relationship.

And I know exactly what you mean about things he does that one day you love, another you just he would just stop doing. I'm like that, but I learn it is more to do with me having a bad day in general. Luckily he is very good about stopping whatever it is annoying me when I ask him (nicely of course) to stop it. So yeah, I know what you mean.

[Sarah96]

And I know exactly what you mean about things he does that one day you love, another you just he would just stop doing. I'm like that, but I learn it is more to do with me having a bad day in general.

I definitely agree with this. My boyfriend is hilarious and has the best sense of humor ever, mainly because it's very similar to mine and we get along with it great. However, there are times when he will do/say something that I would normally find funny that I get easily annoyed with. When that happens I usually realize it's because I'm having a bad day or I'm upset about something so I think it's important to realize that's possibly what is happening to you. Also, I think you should take things slowly, at a pace you're comfortable with. It's true that any type of relationship, friends/family/romantic can take work, but if you're patient with it and take it at your own pace it can be easier to adjust to.
I wish you the best!

[Kapwned]

Sounds like you are simply obsessing over small details and really dwelling over them. Part of me wants to say that I feel a part of you simply isn't ready to invest yourself in another person, but you may simply need to retrain yourself into dealing with another person. We all have flaws and do things our friends and SOs consider annoying. It's just about being able to tolerate them and let go of the trivial things because there is so much more there being offered.

This is a good tip that I was given during my last relationship. This actually helps with a lot of relationship issues:

What do you need in a relationship? List the things you feel you absolutely need in a relationship. These should be things that would be an absolute deal breaker for you if you didn't have them. Then make a list of things that you want (these things should not be deal breakers, just things you'd enjoy if you had them). And then make a list of what you have in your relationship only consisting of the things in those lists. These will also remind you of the good things you have. You can also take the time to think about the things that didn't make it to your third list. Why exactly didn't it make it there? As long as the needs are mostly there you may have a relationship worth overlooking their flaws.

For example. I want my boyfriend to be verbally affectionate, but that's just not his thing. He's already a quiet guy naturally. He prefers to be physically affectionate. But one of the things I need in a relationship is affection. Since he does show some affection physically it's not that big of a deal that he isn't verbally affectionate. If he wasn't affectionate at all then I'd have an issue with it because direct affection to me is important to me.

[differentcountries]

It is very normal to sometimes hate the things that once attracted you, because they are often the things what are different from you and so they can also become annoying.

I love my SOs sense of humour and how he sees the light in most things (when he is not super dark, that is), but sometimes he comes off as too silly or like he doesn't take the situation seriously.

Like the others said; if you are sad or angry it is easier to become annoyed at the other person. Look into yourself and your moods. If everything they say or do make you upset, perhaps the problem is not them, but your mood. Or perhaps you need to talk about the way you communicate, small stuff can become big if you don't sort them out.

It can also be a cultural thing, I find that little things he does that annoy me are actually cultural misinterpretations (like, he says "yes-yes" in my language with a sort of smiling, swooping gesture, which I think related to that yes yes in his language means Yes, I am totally listening to you, but in my language means something more along the lines of Whatever, or Sure but we knew that already! I am SOOO pushing him to start to learn my language properly...)

[Blanca]

The good thing is you know your problems and you can overcome them. As other members have suggested it probably you're going through a bad mood or bad day so you just need to realize it. As far as relationship concern if your SO is loving, caring and understands you completely, it will become much easier for you to maintain the relationship.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

In the past, I always thought that when you love someone, that love doesn't go away. You're supposed to always love them no matter what and if at some point you don't, the relationship wasn't meant to be. The thing is, no one talks about the fact that you don't always love your SO. I went through a particularly rough patch with my SO after being LD for months. When we finally saw each other again EVERYTHING he did drove me nuts. I was putting distance between us because of this and I really thought our relationship might be over. Fearing this, I talked to my mom who laughed and said "in every relationship there and ebbs and flows. It's about working through the ebbs and continuing to do the things that you would during flows to get the relationship headed in the right direction again". A couple of months later, I am happy to say that I have never been more in love with my boyfriend. It took the ebb to realize that we could get through anything because at the end of every ebb will always be a flow that I fall more in love with him than I have ever been before. So, long story short, there will be ebbs even in the best of relationships. It's all about whether you're willing to worth through those ebbs and find the flow again on the other side or if the person isn't worth the struggle. Once you find someone who you're willing to go through the ebb to find the flow, you know you found someone special. I also think that every relationship is "hard work". You can't let your mind run away and tell you that you're bad at relationships because the only way you won't be bad at relationships is to keep working and not run away every time it seems "hard".

[whatruckus]

In the past, I always thought that when you love someone, that love doesn't go away. You're supposed to always love them no matter what and if at some point you don't, the relationship wasn't meant to be. The thing is, no one talks about the fact that you don't always love your SO. I went through a particularly rough patch with my SO after being LD for months. When we finally saw each other again EVERYTHING he did drove me nuts. I was putting distance between us because of this and I really thought our relationship might be over. Fearing this, I talked to my mom who laughed and said "in every relationship there and ebbs and flows. It's about working through the ebbs and continuing to do the things that you would during flows to get the relationship headed in the right direction again". A couple of months later, I am happy to say that I have never been more in love with my boyfriend. It took the ebb to realize that we could get through anything because at the end of every ebb will always be a flow that I fall more in love with him than I have ever been before. So, long story short, there will be ebbs even in the best of relationships. It's all about whether you're willing to worth through those ebbs and find the flow again on the other side or if the person isn't worth the struggle. Once you find someone who you're willing to go through the ebb to find the flow, you know you found someone special. I also think that every relationship is "hard work". You can't let your mind run away and tell you that you're bad at relationships because the only way you won't be bad at relationships is to keep working and not run away every time it seems "hard".

I cannot agree more with this.

[Kapwned]

I wouldn't necessarily word it as "You don't always love them" but it won't always be rainbows and sunshine. Every relationship is multifaceted. You can love someone while they drive you absolutely insane. That's why our parents never get rid of us. It's the relationships that can get through those rough patches that earn their strength. You know what you can endure and the littler issues seem even smaller. I struggle with the opposite issue I think. Because of my last boyfriend I was left feeling like any little issue could chase the guy away, because that's what happened in my last relationship, it's honestly a wonder we lasted as long as we did. But it left me feeling damaged and I am getting better at realizing that people won't walk away from me for every little emotion I express.

[oinkpig329]

In the past, I always thought that when you love someone, that love doesn't go away. You're supposed to always love them no matter what and if at some point you don't, the relationship wasn't meant to be. The thing is, no one talks about the fact that you don't always love your SO. I went through a particularly rough patch with my SO after being LD for months. When we finally saw each other again EVERYTHING he did drove me nuts. I was putting distance between us because of this and I really thought our relationship might be over. Fearing this, I talked to my mom who laughed and said "in every relationship there and ebbs and flows. It's about working through the ebbs and continuing to do the things that you would during flows to get the relationship headed in the right direction again". A couple of months later, I am happy to say that I have never been more in love with my boyfriend. It took the ebb to realize that we could get through anything because at the end of every ebb will always be a flow that I fall more in love with him than I have ever been before. So, long story short, there will be ebbs even in the best of relationships. It's all about whether you're willing to worth through those ebbs and find the flow again on the other side or if the person isn't worth the struggle. Once you find someone who you're willing to go through the ebb to find the flow, you know you found someone special. I also think that every relationship is "hard work". You can't let your mind run away and tell you that you're bad at relationships because the only way you won't be bad at relationships is to keep working and not run away every time it seems "hard".

I know this was posted a while ago, but thanks. This is something I just need to be reminded of every once in a while. I get caught up in my head but I know in my gut I really love him. Thank you!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I know this was posted a while ago, but thanks. This is something I just need to be reminded of every once in a while. I get caught up in my head but I know in my gut I really love him. Thank you!

You're welcome! That was one of my profoundly wise days. Honestly, even though I wrote it, it's a good reminder when I go back and read it too. I wish the best for you and that your gut wins the fight with your mind!