Am I over-reacting? Advice needed.

[Niamhy]

This is the best place I can think off to ask this. Most people don't understand the difficulties when trying to communicate long distance.

(WARNING: VERY LONG. For that i'm sorry. But this is a weeks worth of events :P )

I basically need your honest opinion over whether or not i'm being unreasonable and over emotional, or I have due cause to be upset)

So, this all started (not yesterday) on Sunday 4th of May.
We were kind of talking on facebook, there was no indication that he was upset about anything. I decided to be cheeky and send him a "risque" photo. He asked me to come to skype where he told me he was sorry but he just had a bad day and was really not in the mood. I said that was absolutely fine, no offense taken.
Anyway, for the rest of the night, I felt like he was unnecessarily rude and abrupt to me. Basically, he was taking his bad mood out on me. I pointed this out to him (explained that i'd be there for him to rant and get it all off his chest, but it was unfair for him to be so personally rude and hurtful to me when I did nothing wrong)
He didn't really listen to me and ended up hanging up on me.
At this point, I did cry. (Maybe a little over emotional here. But I was frustrated and hurt about the way he was talking plus I was under additional stress for work)

Monday, the next day, he sent me a few messages. I wont go into details, but they were sexual in nature. I didn't respond because I knew it would lead to a fight. Basically, I was annoyed that there was no sign of an apology from him.
We got to skype the next day. I told him that last night really upset me, and I lost sleep due to that and my work related stress. He said he really didn't want to talk about it as he wasn't in the mood. Then he left.
I was upset at this, because he dismissed the fact that I was crying so easily. So yes... I cried again xD

Tuesday,
A lot happened on Tuesday. Basically we got into an argument about whether or not I was even the one for him. Throughout our relationship, he compared me a lot to his ex gf's. And it something that i'm insecure about to this day.
I guess I was looking for reassurance from him at this point. Reassurance that, although i'm not perfect, I am perfect for him. What I got instead was "What, are you going to cry again?"
This devastated me, tbh. He said it in such an angry, annoyed tone. He hung up and I spend the rest of the night wondering how he could be so cold towards my feelings. And yes, I cried again.

Thursday-Sunday
I tried to bring it up again. I get annoyed because he only thinks there is a problem when I remind him that things aren't ok with us. I could be awake all night crying, and he is fine with that. He knows that I am. I have told him, after every night of me crying, I told him. He literally just says "hm" and changes the topic.
That is what hurts me most. That he has known for a week that i've been upsetting and hurting because of him but he does nothing.

Anyway, a few other things have happened throughout the time.
I don't know what to do.

I tried to let it go, but I'm trying to be logical. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect him to clean up a mess that he has caused. Or AT LEAST, help me help him do that.
I feel like I've let him get away with a lot the past few years. He's said a lot of hurtful things to me, and I just let it go.
Am I being crazy by not just getting over this, and moving on?


(Okay, after reading this back it seems a little juvenile. I'd just like to emphasize that on Tuesday night, a lot was said. I'd also like to note that although i'm fine with him being attracted to other people, I have a problem with him expressing attraction to others more than he does for me.
For example, he'll go into great detail about a girls body and her attractiveness. The most I get is, "you look pretty today".
Given our history, this hurts me. I told him this on Tuesday night and he more or less said "you can't change it, so why be upset".

[snow_girl]

Firstly, he says sorry he isn't in the mood and he has done something wrong? It doesn't sound like he was rude at all. Honestly if my SO cried all the bloody time I wouldn't want to deal with it either. Unless you tell him exactly what you want and need my response would be 'hmmm' too. I ave some insecurity issues as well, but I know that insecurity is a huge turnoff so I only bring up things that I am certain I can't fix myself in my head where he doesn't have to deal with my irrational thoughts. Instead of just ttelling him your crying. because he doesn't know why you are crying other then perhaps a never ending period, tell him "I am feeling this way because______
_____, I know it might not be rational but these feelings seem real and some reassurance from you right now would make a world of difference"

People are not mind readers. Don't give him unreasonable standards to live up to as being a knight in shining armor that knows exactly what he needs to say to his overly emotional girlfriend where in any other circumstance would leave people baffled. IF you have let him get away with things that you find to be not okay how should it be his responsibility to clean the mess up if he in under the impression he has done nothing wrong? You say he only is reminded there is a problem when you bring it up, well I think you are the one making the problems. He in his mind is in a good relationship. you seem to be the one that overreacts and thinks up problems and he is just supposed to know? Thats not how it works.

[Mims27]

I personally find that if I have to ask myself if I'm being irrational or if I'm over-reacting then I probably am.
And I agree with everything Snow_girl said. Your SO isn't going to apologize for something if they don't know they did something to upset you. Never assume he knows, that doesn't help. You have to open up.

[differentcountries]

I disagree, you are not overreacting. He is rude to you, you ask him not to, he hangs up on you. Then, he follows up your sexual initiative but doesn't say sorry which is odd. You tell him he upset you really bad. Instead of just saying he is sorry and ask how he can make it better, he acts like you are rude to bring up the fact that he was rude. He is upset because you cry, even though he is the one making you cry for being so insensitive. etc.

I am a cryer. Not every day, I am usually calm and even stoic at times, but if I get truely upset, I will cry a lot and I don't come down easily. I find it very offensive if the person I cry to don't soothe me, especially if they are the ones making me upset. HOWEVER, if one person seems aloof and the other one is crying bad, it is not obvious who should reach out to try to change the situation. I find that with my SO, he is quite helpless when I cry and it seriously confuses him! He even went as far as to discuss me crying with his mum, who apparently told him that it is normal for girl to do that. But I guess it is hard for her to give him advice, since she has not been in a relationship since she became a widow many years ago. Anyway, it seems that the both of you are pushing the other one away with your behaviour. You could be the one to break the cycle.

I "make deals" with my SO all the time over emotional stuff like that. We have "made a deal" that I should try to keep crying to a minimum, as it upsets him and makes it harder for him to talk to me about whatever is the matter. But if I really must cry, I will (I try not to do it several days in a row, that is). His part of the deal is, he shall listen to me when I say something is wrong. I have explained to him that I cry because of frustration, so if he doesn't want tears, don't say or do stupid things and refuse to talk to be about it... It is all very simple, really. Talk about what is the matter, and expect the other person to listen and give their side of the story. If you crave compliments, ask for them. If you want clearity, ask for it (prefferably calmly, as it makes it easier for him to listen to what you have to say).

Yep. The end of our last visit we had a little fight over our goodbye dinner. I was being a little bitch and crying, and he was being too stoic and going into "I don't get girls" mode. But I know there is a magic trick I can use to always reach him, even when we feel so far apart that I can see myself getting on a plane and never going back. I realize that I am in pain, and he is in pain, and that we can share that and feel soothed by that. So, even though I think "he did this and that to me and now he should make me feel better", I reach out to him, take his hand, look him in the eye and tell him "I only want for us to be close". We have not figured out everything, but I think in a relationship you must each give 70 % and stretch your abilities. I don't mean endure lots of shit, but if you really love someone, try to get to know them, because that is the key to most things. And, first of all, get to know yourself!

[Niamhy]

Firstly, he says sorry he isn't in the mood and he has done something wrong? It doesn't sound like he was rude at all. Honestly if my SO cried all the bloody time I wouldn't want to deal with it either. Unless you tell him exactly what you want and need my response would be 'hmmm' too. I ave some insecurity issues as well, but I know that insecurity is a huge turnoff so I only bring up things that I am certain I can't fix myself in my head where he doesn't have to deal with my irrational thoughts. Instead of just ttelling him your crying. because he doesn't know why you are crying other then perhaps a never ending period, tell him "I am feeling this way because______
_____, I know it might not be rational but these feelings seem real and some reassurance from you right now would make a world of difference"

People are not mind readers. Don't give him unreasonable standards to live up to as being a knight in shining armor that knows exactly what he needs to say to his overly emotional girlfriend where in any other circumstance would leave people baffled. IF you have let him get away with things that you find to be not okay how should it be his responsibility to clean the mess up if he in under the impression he has done nothing wrong? You say he only is reminded there is a problem when you bring it up, well I think you are the one making the problems. He in his mind is in a good relationship. you seem to be the one that overreacts and thinks up problems and he is just supposed to know? Thats not how it works.

There is a lot which I didn't include for the sake of trying to keep it as brief as possible. I do not cry all the time... just this week. As I mentioned, there is a lot of other stress being put on me. Stresses which he knows about, work, family illness etc.
So that's quite the leap you made there.
I did tell him exactly what was wrong, and I even told him exactly he needed to do to make it better.
The issues with which I am insecure about, HE brought up during the fight. Not me. I wasn't even thinking about them, until he brought them up.

I am aware people are not mind readers. But if I told him exactly why I was upset, what more can I do?

[whatruckus]

I'm kind of half-half on this. The first night, I don't understand why he was a dick to you, even if he was in a bad mood. But, I also feel like you shouldn't take it to heart so much. If I got hot and bothered every time my SO took his bad mood out on me, I'd be upset all the time. Also, I do the same to my SO. But, there is a difference. I will apologize to my SO afterwards. He doesn't. Lol. Most of the time, he doesn't realize that he's doing that to me, I have to point it out to him. I will literally say to him, when I first start noticing he's being a dick, "Stop being such a dick to me right now. I understand you had a bad day, but it's not a reason for you to be mean to me." And, he'll stop and say sorry. Same goes for him. He'll tell me, "Stop being so cranky and bitchy."

I think your SO is getting annoyed because you keep bringing it up, when he thought it was done and over with. Plus, I don't see you mentioning that you explained to him exactly why you were upset. Just you saying that you were upset and you were crying because of him. Like others have said, some people get annoyed with that. Plus, how, or why, would he apologize if he doesn't know what he did wrong, or feels that he did nothing wrong?

I also feel like maybe his way of apologizing to you was to try and start some sexy things. Some people have a hard time saying sorry, so they try to make up for it in other ways. You sent him a sexy picture the night before, and he shot it down, but then the next day he was trying to be sexy.

You should also stop being so insecure about yourself and comparing yourself to his ex's, even if he did it to you. He was an ass for doing that, but don't think so low of yourself. He's with you now. Not them. And, in what ways was he comparing you? Did you also flat out tell him that you felt he was comparing you to them, and that you felt inadequate because of this?

You have to explain why you feel the way you do, when you get upset. It helps the person understand a lot better what they've done.

For instance, this past week, my SO kept going out. He went out like every day, minus yesterday, Fri, and I think Monday. I barely got to talk him. Barely. So I got pissed because of that. I wanted to talk to him, and it was annoying that he kept constantly going out. Not realizing that I always stay up late to talk to him, even though I have to get up for work at 6 AM during the week. I will usually only get 4 - 6 hours of sleep, because I wait up for him to to come home from work so we can talk and have a conversation. I had been snippy with him all week. And, I made it known I was irritated he kept going out. Yesterday, I did feel bad for being especially bitchy on Saturday, so I sent him a long email EXPLAINING why I was upset, and why I was pissed he was going out. He said he read it, wasn't mad, and he understood. He didn't apologize, but the fact is he knows why I was upset and understands. That's better than a "sorry" to me sometimes.

[whatruckus]

There is a lot which I didn't include for the sake of trying to keep it as brief as possible. I do not cry all the time... just this week. As I mentioned, there is a lot of other stress being put on me. Stresses which he knows about, work, family illness etc.
So that's quite the leap you made there.
I did tell him exactly what was wrong, and I even told him exactly he needed to do to make it better.
The issues with which I am insecure about, HE brought up during the fight. Not me. I wasn't even thinking about them, until he brought them up.

I am aware people are not mind readers. But if I told him exactly why I was upset, what more can I do?

If this is the case, then your SO just might be a dick. And, it seems like he resents you for something. What that is, I don't know. There is also no reason for him to bring up his ex's and compare you to them during a fight, that is uncalled for. And, maybe he's even some sort of a narcissist if he can never see that he's wrong.

[MariaEx]

The way I see it things went downhill since Sunday, when you felt that he was rude to you and throughout your message and for a whole week you kept bringing up issues that you have in your ldr. If we suppose that he did apologise for his rude behaviour on Sunday, would it make it OK for him to compare you to his ex? And I am confused, why do you keep telling him that you cry every night? Is it to make him understand that you are unhappy and miserable because of Sunday night? Is it to make him understand that you, as a couple, have issues and you need to deal with them? Men are so much different and think in simpler terms than us, try to be clear and not oversentimental. I am sure, once you talk to him in a logical, cool manner, you will understand whether you are right in acting in such a way or overreacting.
Hoping for the best for you

[TheSteelAngel]

You really shouldn't let your SO treat you like that. That's unacceptable in every sense of the word. I agree with everyone saying that you need to explain to him why you're upset. You aren't in the wrong for feeling like that. If my SO did that to I'd feel the same way too. Just tell him why you felt the way you did and let it go. It is kinda annoying bringing something like that up over and over again.

[differentcountries]

f I told him exactly why I was upset, what more can I do?

Tell him again in a different way. If that doesn't sink in, then a different way. It may be perfectly clear to you, but still not to him.