Married and lonely.

[dinobonoid]

Hi everyone,
I have not posted on here in a long time. My husband and I met in July 2014 and fell hard for each other. He is Canadian and I'm American. We are about 1500 miles apart from each other. Our first meeting was in October, we spent a week together and his 33rd birthday in the same trip. I've never cried so much as I did when he left. He visited me again in November when we started talking about how much we meant to each other, then again in February. Each time we saw each other, leaving was that much harder and more depressing. In March, we decided that it was time for me to go see him and we decided all at once that we wanted to get married while I was in Canada in order to start his immigration. I went to see him April 28th, so this was very recent. Our wedding was beautiful and magical... I've never been so happy as I was that entire trip.

Fast forward to now, I'm back in the United States without him and I'm having a very rough time being without him as usual. I feel very empty and alone. We talk on the phone and text during the day, but it doesn't seem to relieve any of the emptiness. Our week together was so short and I feel like here I am, counting down the days to who knows when we will see each other again.... maybe another 3 months. Maybe longer. I cry all of the time. I am very content in my own company... I enjoy time alone, etc. But this is different. No one seems to understand what I'm talking about and they continue to tell me that I must enjoy being alone and independent. I'm a very independent person but I miss my husband. So much. Phone calls and texts amd skype can only do so much. I find myself distancing myself a lot. ... because I know my sadness bothers him but I cant help it. it's so hard to want a hug and be held when you're so sad and all you get is a voice over the phone.

Sorry for the novel. Not looking for advice necessarily, but just looking for some common ground with someone. Thanks

[p_b82]

What you seem to be describing is not sadness per say but more borderline depression - due to the fact you are pushing yourself away from things and crying almost continuously

I know you said you were not asking for advice, but, my advice, and while it sounds brutal is to to really change your mental attitude here. Yes it is ok to be sad, but you cannot allow that feeling to dominate all the time. As you are finding out, it will take over, you'll become more (or remain as) sad and everything will be rubbish the whole time. that is not a way for you to live your life - and as you have stated your husband will be bothered by it, but there is nothing he can do if you do not allow yourself to be 'happier' at least at some points.

The old cliché of distraction is the key, or focus on something positive - or maybe easier do not dwell on the negative as much. Yes a physical hug is great, but if you don't get one the moment you are not feeling that positive, the world is not going to end either.... Stop wallowing in self pity/misery that you can't have what you want *now* and look forward to when you will be able to have that at will....

sorry that comes across as brutal/harsh - but i think you need to give yourself a mental kick up the arse here - I know where you are coming from, so I do understand, but it is all in your head here

[Malaga]

You got married on your fourth visit after only 8 months? Wow. That escalated quickly. Well, good luck. I just hope it wasn't out of fear of having to cope with the separation again, because that's a long term solution to a temporary problem. Everyone feels weepy from time to time and we miss our SOs terribly, but you sound like you've completely lost yourself. Don't use him as a crutch so much, it's making you too dependent which only makes it worse in the long run, and it's putting loads of pressure on him. When he's not there you can't pick yourself off the ground, and that's not how a healthy relationship works. You need to focus on this issue if you want your marriage to work. Talk to a counselor to get to the root of why you're feeling so helpless.
I hope you feel better soon.

[differentcountries]

So how are you doing with the immigration plans? Have you met each other's family and friends? What are your plans for a life together? You say he will visit in 3 months, I take it that is not in connection to his immigration. Or is he coming over on a work visa? There much be so much to prepare if you are setting up a home together. What will he miss from home when he moves? Etc.

Get something done about your reactive depression if you want him to move to you, otherwise you will not be equipped to deal with the stuff that maybe fun on a visit but less fun when he actually lives there.

This site is full of tips on how to deal with the distance. Even how to deal with distance after you have married and are alone have been brought up before! Really, keeping yourself busy. Start a new hobby. Find new ways to connect to your SO (I did DIY on our longest times apart, 9-10 weeks,omg never done so much books in my life!And he loves them. I also miss to touch him a lot but I actually find looking into each other's eyes on Skype furfull some of that need because it can feel strangely intimate).

[Unicorn26]

I'm with p-b82 here. You guys are married. You've just seen each other. You going to see each other again in a few months. That time will fly by. Yes it's hard but you have to pick yourself up and shake yourself off and look at the positives! Being sad and miserable isn't going to help either of you. We all miss our SO's and that's ok, but you cannot let it take over. Be thankful that you are in a committed marriage and you know you WILL see each other again soon! Some of us don't have that luxury....

[Zephii]

p-b82 has some good advice. It really is about attitude. Your LDR can suck, or you can rock that shit. You have the choice. If you feel so unstable that you think you don't have that choice, your doctor is who you need to be talking to. I know that's blunt, but it's true. I don't like seeing people suffer needlessly. If you need help to feel better, see a professional, aint no shame in it. Otherwise, you do have to give yourself a shake and count your blessings.

Have a read of people's stories here if you need perspective. For an international LDR (or hell, even a domestic!) you really have your shit together. That's a lot of visits in a short period of time. And you're married and already on the path to immigration. And you're only 24. That is really bloody good.

Personally I find looking at the good things and giving thanks gets me through the tough times, so I'd recommend that

[whatruckus]

I very much agree with everyone else who replied.

Also, you've gone through the other visits. What's to stop you from doing it a few more times before he comes here? You're going to push your husband away by being sad all the time. Trust me. He'll be fine with it for a little while, but then he'll start getting annoyed. If you always focus on the bad, then that's all you're going to see.

Try to keep yourself busy, talk to someone about how you feel (professionally or not). Pick up new hobbies, go out.

We all deal with this when we see our SO's, but the only difference is we don't let it consume our lives.

[Chris516]

This is trouble right from the start. My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) met a Canadian man online. They married in Canada in 2010. She said she would emigrate to Canada. She still has not emigrated like she said she would. Her husband is in the process of divorcing her.

I looked into emigrating to Canada at one point. Emigration to Canada is tough, and you would have to get used to how things are done in Canada, compared to the U.S. You would not be able to work six months until you became a Canadian citizen. Unless you were to get a work visa.

In this day n' age of Post-9/11 national security. Just crossing the U.S.-Canadian border can be tough. I have an online friend that lives in British Columbia. She crossed the border into the U.S.. When she tried to re-enter Canada. She was in tears. She had to call her mother, who had not crossed the border with her. Somehow, Her mother vouching for her, convinced the border patrol to let her back into the country.

[Petals]

This is trouble right from the start. My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) met a Canadian man online. They married in Canada in 2010. She said she would emigrate to Canada. She still has not emigrated like she said she would. Her husband is in the process of divorcing her.

I looked into emigrating to Canada at one point. Emigration to Canada is tough, and you would have to get used to how things are done in Canada, compared to the U.S. You would not be able to work six months until you became a Canadian citizen. Unless you were to get a work visa.

In this day n' age of Post-9/11 national security. Just crossing the U.S.-Canadian border can be tough. I have an online friend that lives in British Columbia. She crossed the border into the U.S.. When she tried to re-enter Canada. She was in tears. She had to call her mother, who had not crossed the border with her. Somehow, Her mother vouching for her, convinced the border patrol to let her back into the country.

Doom and gloom much??...While I am not the biggest supporter of long distance marriages, people migrate based on marriage quite often. As long as you do the required research and meet the requirements, there shouldn't be an issue.

OP...what are the plans for closing the distance? Have you done the required research? How soon will you begin the process?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Chris516- My understanding is that her husband is Canadian and coming to the US. Either way, probably not the best advice for someone who is missing their husband that it'll never happen for immigration. If your ex-fiance really wanted to be with her husband, she would have found a way to do that even if it's in the US. It is a whole hell of a lot easier to immigrate to the US when you are married.

OP- Hang in there! Don't let people get you down saying it'll never happen! You've started the process and before you know it he will be here permanently! Just keep plugging along in these last couple of months!

[snow]

This is trouble right from the start. My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) met a Canadian man online. They married in Canada in 2010. She said she would emigrate to Canada. She still has not emigrated like she said she would. Her husband is in the process of divorcing her.

I looked into emigrating to Canada at one point. Emigration to Canada is tough, and you would have to get used to how things are done in Canada, compared to the U.S. You would not be able to work six months until you became a Canadian citizen. Unless you were to get a work visa.

In this day n' age of Post-9/11 national security. Just crossing the U.S.-Canadian border can be tough. I have an online friend that lives in British Columbia. She crossed the border into the U.S.. When she tried to re-enter Canada. She was in tears. She had to call her mother, who had not crossed the border with her. Somehow, Her mother vouching for her, convinced the border patrol to let her back into the country.

We're supposed to support each other, not put each other down. I am sorry you had such a traumatic experience, but not everyone who wants to immigrate to Canada has a hard time, in fact, just recently we had a success story.

To the OP: Trust me, waiting for that visa is grueling and each one of us who goes through immigration knows exactly how you feel, but you will get through it and then you will be together. Our last time apart was almost 11 months, the longest we haven't seen each other and we didn't know how long it was going to take, but you have to have a positive attitude about it, because otherwise you are going to crumble under the pressure.

If I read your post right and he's immigrating to the US and you got married in April, you should be done with it within a year. If you are able to visit each other, keep in mind that you are already working on closing the distance.

[Ella85]

I've done an LDR once before (8 years) before the one I am currently in and in my last relationship I suffered from depression very badly. The only way you are going to pull yourself out of this rut is if you make some positive attitude changes for yourself. You are married now, you are working on closing the distance (I assume?) so you will be together in the long run.

He loves you! I know you are feeling sad and lonely, but instead of getting depressed and feeling alone find something to do. Take up a hobby like running, drawing, painting, something productive that you can spend a lot of time doing. Maybe a college course or something like that?

I study math, run, go to the gym, volunteer in my spare time. I also work but then I do other things too. I have been very unwell recently and taken a few weeks off due to stress (except from my main job) and haven't been sleeping as I have been going through some court related issues to do with my previous relationship (done with now). So believe me I understand what it's like to be down and sad and feel alone. I had no one to go to court with me and that made me feel terrible. BUT I got through it and I don't let myself stay down. You have to pull yourself back up, let your husband know you are feeling down but that you're going to try and do something about it then do it.

If you need someone to vent off, inbox me. I've been in your position in the past I'll listen. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I wish it was only 3 months that I had to wait to see my boyfriend since my last trip. We had to wait 5 (2 months left to go).

You'll get though it and you'll be stronger together for it.
All the best.

[Phantomrose]

My husband and I have been married for about three years now. We have been together since 2007 (married in 2012), and still trying to work out the immigration process. He is from the UK, and I am in the US. Both him and I want me to emigrate to the UK, but the process can be long, and tedious. In order for the immigration to happen, he has to have a salary that meets the financial requirement. Until then, we can only wait, and hope. The distance can be hard, and daunting at times, but what helps is to have hope, and just keep planning visits to cope. Skype, and video chat helps sometimes, as well as finding things to do together, such as playing games. The sadness, and loneliness does come from time to time, and unfortunately, that feeling will never go away. Some days it is harder, other days it is easier. What matters is that you have hope, and you keep carrying on. Try to keep yourself busy. Maybe start a blog of your long distance relationship, or keep a journal? That way, you can release all your feelings in a journal, or a blog. That sometimes helps when I miss him the most.

[Petals]

My husband and I have been married for about three years now. We have been together since 2007 (married in 2012), and still trying to work out the immigration process. He is from the UK, and I am in the US. Both him and I want me to emigrate to the UK, but the process can be long, and tedious. In order for the immigration to happen, he has to have a salary that meets the financial requirement. Until then, we can only wait, and hope. The distance can be hard, and daunting at times, but what helps is to have hope, and just keep planning visits to cope. Skype, and video chat helps sometimes, as well as finding things to do together, such as playing games. The sadness, and loneliness does come from time to time, and unfortunately, that feeling will never go away. Some days it is harder, other days it is easier. What matters is that you have hope, and you keep carrying on. Try to keep yourself busy. Maybe start a blog of your long distance relationship, or keep a journal? That way, you can release all your feelings in a journal, or a blog. That sometimes helps when I miss him the most.

Why doesn't he migrate to the USA until both of you can migrate to the UK? I know all too well about UK migration conundrum...so many families are separated due to draconian rules. Hats off to you and your hubby for making it work despite the distance...

[Phantomrose]

Why doesn't he migrate to the USA until both of you can migrate to the UK? I know all too well about UK migration conundrum...so many families are separated due to draconian rules. Hats off to you and your hubby for making it work despite the distance...

We figured that it would be better for us, if I emigrated to the UK. He has a house, passed down from his grandfather, and is more settled there, than I am in the US. The only thing missing is the financial requirement; he is trying to look for a suitable job to fulfill that requirement. Until then, we deal with visits back and forth. The next visit is in December, which is not too bad. We have a goal to have the move happen by summer of 2016, but it is just a rough estimate, at best.