His Family Hate Me: Update.

[maybe__someday]

Original story: https://members.lovingfromadistance....Family-Hate-Me

Update:

This is still an on-going issue. Actually, it's getting worse. My friends family continues to put me down. They still continue to repeat their "she's not right for you" speech to my friend, though they're getting much more vocal about it and it's happening more often. It's gotten to a point where my friend has responded back to his family in aggravation, for the first time in his life. They've even pushed him to breaking down emotionally—and when he does this, they blame me and say that I have been "making" my friend hate his family. They keep telling him that it won't work out for us; we're too young, we don't know what we're doing, and I am not the right match for him. This is a weekly occurrence, sometimes a couple times a week. I'm honestly losing hope and patience. I feel hurt and I am incredibly furious that his family continues to disrespect me and be so non-supportive towards their own son and what he wants in life. I can't do anything from 2,000km away. And I'm not even sure what I would do even if I lived closer to them. They're obviously stuck in this negative and judgmental bubble, and it's like they're now pushing my friend more and more on purpose, until he breaks and they ruin what we have. I've known my friend for over 5 months now, and it's only been in the last month where his mood has started to shift; he is usually this positive, vibrant person who sees the good in everything and is always in a good mood, or at least finds a way to see the good in a negative situation. But, this issue with his family, I can see it is starting to wear him down; he's sad more, distant more, even angry...which is so unlike him. It affects our conversations. It affects our connection. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this crap from his family. Or how much longer my friend can. The only option I see is calling things off with my friend, keeping my distance. Yes, that may show I'm weak, and that his parents "win" and get exactly what they want...but I can't continue to sit here, defenceless, and have them constantly upsetting my friend and tearing down everything that involves me and my friends connection. I'm just upset and lost about all of this mess...

Does anyone have any further advice, or is this just a hopeless situation?

[MissButterfly]

Have you met them after that first time, or are you planning to? It sucks that they are (still) doing this, but it might partially be because they are protective. Has your SO had a bad relationship before? I feel like that often influences parents' reactions. I don't know them or you, but perhaps it will resolve itself if you are in contact with them more often, and if your SO keeps strong about his feelings for you. As soon as your SO stops defending you and your relationship to his family, I guess it's a hopeless situation because he cares about his parents' judgment too much. If you really love each other, this situation sucks but it definitely doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. After all, his parents have nothing to do with your relationship, and I'd be surprised if they wouldn't just want their son to be happy in the end. Best of luck!

[maybe__someday]

Have you met them after that first time, or are you planning to? It sucks that they are (still) doing this, but it might partially be because they are protective. Has your SO had a bad relationship before? I feel like that often influences parents' reactions. I don't know them or you, but perhaps it will resolve itself if you are in contact with them more often, and if your SO keeps strong about his feelings for you. As soon as your SO stops defending you and your relationship to his family, I guess it's a hopeless situation because he cares about his parents' judgment too much. If you really love each other, this situation sucks but it definitely doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. After all, his parents have nothing to do with your relationship, and I'd be surprised if they wouldn't just want their son to be happy in the end. Best of luck!

Thank you for your response.

The next time we planned to meet, he was to come here and visit me. But to be honest, even if it was my turn to take the trip to him, I'd have no idea how to "be" around his family after all they've said. And I understand the whole protective thing, but I think they're taking it a little too far and it's more of a personal attack on me. My friend has never had a relationship before...that could be part of the reason they're acting this way, but again, they're taking it a little too far.
My friend has assured me that their negative comments about me and our connection has not affected his feelings for me, and that he still wants to be with me. I'm glad he is still standing by me and us, despite the situation, but I can't help but feel deflated and hopeless about our future. I'm hoping this is just an emotional night, and not a permanent feeling that'll lead to us going our separate ways.

[differentcountries]

Take it from me; just stay in there. I am SOs first real relationship too. My SOs best friend has been badmouting me and our relationship from the start and even after meeting me. But now that we have been together one and a half year, and I even survived living with her and her family for a weekend, I find that, she maybe still doesn't like me/ understand our relationship, but at least she can respect me more. She has seen I am in here for the long haul, plus I am making SO smoke less, finish up his education and I brought him to Norway to see her and her husband which was her greatest wish. If you are patient and don't do anything you might regret, you may win respect as time goes by.

It is good that your SO stays by you. This actually proves his love for you. It is not fun to not have support, but it can make a couple stronger. Hold on, your SO will see what you are made of if you stay. Best wishes

[TheSteelAngel]

I'm going through something similar actually but with my own parents. My parents hate the fact that I am dating someone so far away from me, and when I tried to see him they talked me out of it. I may be seen as weak for doing this, but I'm just trying to keep the peace here. I haven't given up on my SO. I know I will see him someday but it may take some time to convince my parents that we are serious about each other. It's really hard when you don't have your parents approval on ether side, but if you are both serious about each other then you shouldn't give up. My advice to you is to just follow your heart. Do what you really want to do.

[Kapwned]

Like I may have mentioned in the last thread, it may never end. Or it may simply take time to end. Don't let their opinions affect you. They can't force him to not be with you and he's reassured you multiple times now that his family's opinion does not matter to him. Maybe family is important to you in these aspects, but maybe it isn't for him; He just isn't fully independent yet and he is forced to listen to the things his family says. But deep down, their opinions shouldn't matter. And it appears to him they don't, so to you especially, they shouldn't. You don't see them on a daily basis, you most likely will never live with them, you will not have to put up with them on a daily basis, but with time they will get to know you and their opinions may change.

Not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to approve of your relationships. But the relationship is between the two of you, not them.

[maybe__someday]

Take it from me; just stay in there. I am SOs first real relationship too. My SOs best friend has been badmouting me and our relationship from the start and even after meeting me. But now that we have been together one and a half year, and I even survived living with her and her family for a weekend, I find that, she maybe still doesn't like me/ understand our relationship, but at least she can respect me more. She has seen I am in here for the long haul, plus I am making SO smoke less, finish up his education and I brought him to Norway to see her and her husband which was her greatest wish. If you are patient and don't do anything you might regret, you may win respect as time goes by.

It is good that your SO stays by you. This actually proves his love for you. It is not fun to not have support, but it can make a couple stronger. Hold on, your SO will see what you are made of if you stay. Best wishes

I'm going through something similar actually but with my own parents. My parents hate the fact that I am dating someone so far away from me, and when I tried to see him they talked me out of it. I may be seen as weak for doing this, but I'm just trying to keep the peace here. I haven't given up on my SO. I know I will see him someday but it may take some time to convince my parents that we are serious about each other. It's really hard when you don't have your parents approval on ether side, but if you are both serious about each other then you shouldn't give up. My advice to you is to just follow your heart. Do what you really want to do.

Like I may have mentioned in the last thread, it may never end. Or it may simply take time to end. Don't let their opinions affect you. They can't force him to not be with you and he's reassured you multiple times now that his family's opinion does not matter to him. Maybe family is important to you in these aspects, but maybe it isn't for him; He just isn't fully independent yet and he is forced to listen to the things his family says. But deep down, their opinions shouldn't matter. And it appears to him they don't, so to you especially, they shouldn't. You don't see them on a daily basis, you most likely will never live with them, you will not have to put up with them on a daily basis, but with time they will get to know you and their opinions may change.

Not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to approve of your relationships. But the relationship is between the two of you, not them.

Thank you for all your responses. However, it's now over between my friend and I. He started to listen to what his family were saying about me; they got into his head and made him start to question things. He then told me he can't be with me because they would constantly say things about me, and he doesn't want that to hurt me. Then when I was saying goodbye, he just let me leave...didn't try to fight for me, for us. His family win, they get exactly what they wanted.

Now I'm just completely hurt and gutted by all of this. It's made me feel as if I was the only one fighting for us, while he sits back and does absolutely nothing. Which hurts more than anything, because I thought I meant more to him. I really don't understand why I was, and still am, the only one fighting to keep each other in our lives; I can't do it on my own, but it seems like I'm the only one who really cared. After everything we'd been through, I honestly didn't think he'd throw me away so quickly and easily. Like I was nothing. I just don't know what to do anymore. We didn't even get the chance to at least try to work our way towards a relationship, because he just let the negativity and controlling ways of his family take over everything we spent months building.

[Kapwned]

Don't think that he didn't care about you. When you're fully dependent on your family and not on your own, having to endure and hear your family's ridicule and negativity can take a toll on you. The negativity probably just got to him, it started to hurt him and depress him, and perhaps he was convinced that it'd never end and you'd eventually have to endure the direct scrutiny that he had to face, and he didn't want you two to have to deal with that in the end. I know what it's like to have a very opinionated and negative family. Even when it isn't directed at you, it affects you emotionally. And when it is constantly directed at you it's even worse. I'm sorry he couldn't shut them out.

[Dwessie]

My sister had to flat out move when she only had $4k saved because my family badmouths her fiance so frigging much, it drives us crazy. (They like me and Tam together though, hopefully that stays)
It actually would make her cry and she couldn't stop loving them despite it so she had to move across the country.
It can take one hell of a toll. (And I still sit here and defend their relationship)