A Little Update

[LovingB]

Things are getting really out of hand. He's in such bad shape now with his health that every second he doesn't have a pill he gets on to everyone. I shamefully admit I have enabled him several times. Well his parents, whom I have gotten along with so well, now despise me for it. Obviously I did it cause of him threatening to stop things with us. But the combination of all the pills and his general health getting worse makes it to where there are times they're scared he won't wake up. I now feel horrible about aiding him but there's no point in trying to smooth things out with his parents cause even if they do talk to me he will resent me. Things really got messed up when the other day his parents asked about what he was doing and I told them cause of concern and he found out and says he can't trust me now. Well I'm not sending any more money cause I want him off the crap. So every time I say I won't give him any or even if its impossible he gets pissed and threatens to stop talking to me. I have done so much for him. I've pawned crap for him, I am out of work currently but I have taken care of him still. I have been worse off emotionally for him. All of this in the name of love. Because of what's been happening the last few days I'm actually getting thoughts I would never have. Sure I pour my heart out to him and beg him to not give up on us, when I shouldn't have to beg, but I'm getting these feelings like I will be better off without him despite us being together and yes happy for so long. Every time I think of this I start to think about the real B, the clean sweet B that would never raise his voice, doubt me or threaten to leave. Once he came up here and was off them for those months he was just like when we met and was clean, not mad at the world all the time. There are times he will say something bad and even one hour later he acts like it never happened. I know I need to let him go but I just keep holding out for that chance that he will get back to the way he was before he relapsed. And I know probably all of you are thinking it would be best to move on. I'm not really looking for advice with this post cause I'm pretty much answering my own questions. But the one thing I'm really curious about is, do people really get so messed up on drugs that they turn into a completely different person? Where they can be the sweetest person in the world when clean and then become a monster? Do you think its really just the drugs making him say bad things to me? Thanks to everyone who has given me advice before. But I know I'm the one that has to make the big decision.

[ronjaandbirk]

But the one thing I'm really curious about is, do people really get so messed up on drugs that they turn into a completely different person? Where they can be the sweetest person in the world when clean and then become a monster? Do you think its really just the drugs making him say bad things to me?

I have many friends inside a certain scene where drug use and alcohol in unhealthy amounts is a very common thing and I say some really do. Contrary to what many believe most dont but some do. Its really hard to understand or to believe but usually they dont understand that themselves anymore than we do. Its almost like a split personality then. Its way easier to overlook mean behaviour when you know its not really them. Try not to fall into that trap and do what is best for you and dont feel guilty about it either.. it is not your fault. The only thing that is going to help him is his decision to quit. People dont get sober because they know its bad for them, or because others, or even because they themselves want it. Its a big decision making progress and unfortunately it has nothing to do with you.

I wish you all the best and hope it will get easier for you really soon

[LovingB]

Thinking of it as split personality disorder... I really miss the real personality, Sweet, caring B. And am hurt by the one presently in control, Rude, disrespectful B. I know deep down that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, that keeps me hanging on, but its by a thread thanks to this drug disease. I actually read somewhere that loving an addict and doing anything and everything for them is actually a disease itself. At the moment though it feels that drugs are winning over me. On a side note: He yells and cusses at his parents in front of his little girl. This is not something he would naturally do.

[TheSteelAngel]

Things are getting really out of hand. He's in such bad shape now with his health that every second he doesn't have a pill he gets on to everyone. I shamefully admit I have enabled him several times. Well his parents, whom I have gotten along with so well, now despise me for it. Obviously I did it cause of him threatening to stop things with us. But the combination of all the pills and his general health getting worse makes it to where there are times they're scared he won't wake up. I now feel horrible about aiding him but there's no point in trying to smooth things out with his parents cause even if they do talk to me he will resent me. Things really got messed up when the other day his parents asked about what he was doing and I told them cause of concern and he found out and says he can't trust me now. Well I'm not sending any more money cause I want him off the crap. So every time I say I won't give him any or even if its impossible he gets pissed and threatens to stop talking to me. I have done so much for him. I've pawned crap for him, I am out of work currently but I have taken care of him still. I have been worse off emotionally for him. All of this in the name of love. Because of what's been happening the last few days I'm actually getting thoughts I would never have. Sure I pour my heart out to him and beg him to not give up on us, when I shouldn't have to beg, but I'm getting these feelings like I will be better off without him despite us being together and yes happy for so long. Every time I think of this I start to think about the real B, the clean sweet B that would never raise his voice, doubt me or threaten to leave. Once he came up here and was off them for those months he was just like when we met and was clean, not mad at the world all the time. There are times he will say something bad and even one hour later he acts like it never happened. I know I need to let him go but I just keep holding out for that chance that he will get back to the way he was before he relapsed. And I know probably all of you are thinking it would be best to move on. I'm not really looking for advice with this post cause I'm pretty much answering my own questions. But the one thing I'm really curious about is, do people really get so messed up on drugs that they turn into a completely different person? Where they can be the sweetest person in the world when clean and then become a monster? Do you think its really just the drugs making him say bad things to me? Thanks to everyone who has given me advice before. But I know I'm the one that has to make the big decision.

To answer your question yes they can. Drugs change people it's as simple as that. They mess up your brain's chemicals pretty badly and it gets to the point where your body needs those drugs in order to function. That's what addiction is and depending what he's taking it can turn the sweetest person in the world into a monster by far. I say that the drugs are a major factor in the deterioration of this relationship, but the problem can be deeper than that. You can get him to get clean all you want but that doesn't completely solve the problem. The problem lies with why he chooses to use and why he relapsed. I haven't read your other posts about this but is he seeing a therapist other than the detox ones? In order to completely get off of drugs he needs both drug and behavioral/cognitive therapy. Support groups are supposed to help too. Is he in one?

[differentcountries]

An addict or even any person sucked into something controlling them will be like two people. My friend who dates someone with severe alcohol and drug problems tells me the exact same story, it is very hard on her. I am sorry I have nothing to say exept you need to step back from the relationship.

[Miasmata]

If things are really this far gone, he needs to seek immediate help at an addiction clinic or rehab center. This is too much for any of you to handle, and I honestly don't think he's fit for a relationship with the way he treats and threatens you. Before he's actually, solidly mentally stable and in control of himself, he can't be a decent partner to you. Don't long for the person he could be - If you keep holding onto that without him actually changing anything, you two are just going to spiral. Please, seek help.

[hmrambling]

I shamefully admit I have enabled him several times.

Guilt tells us that what we have done is bad. Shame tells us that we are bad people.

Is there AlAnon around you? Have you checked into it?

Self care is so important.

Yes, this is from the same person who suggested AlAnon before, and who posted the letter from the addiction. I suggest you get in the business of taking care of yourself, or his addiction will eat you alive, honey. It'll eat both him and you alive.

[LovingB]

To answer your question yes they can. Drugs change people it's as simple as that. They mess up your brain's chemicals pretty badly and it gets to the point where your body needs those drugs in order to function. That's what addiction is and depending what he's taking it can turn the sweetest person in the world into a monster by far. I say that the drugs are a major factor in the deterioration of this relationship, but the problem can be deeper than that. You can get him to get clean all you want but that doesn't completely solve the problem. The problem lies with why he chooses to use and why he relapsed. I haven't read your other posts about this but is he seeing a therapist other than the detox ones? In order to completely get off of drugs he needs both drug and behavioral/cognitive therapy. Support groups are supposed to help too. Is he in one?

He initially starting taking the drugs for anxiety and cause he thought it could take his mind off the physical pain for the Spondylitis. Well his mom screams at him as if that is going to make him stop. She even gets on to him for stuff when he is clean. This also has some affect on it. So his home life plays a big part in it. However when he was here with me he felt much better. I never once got on to him about anything and his anxiety was much better so he wasn't having home problems. This doesn't mean he wouldn't eventually start taking them again when he is here but my point is that added stress from his mom is not here. We don't have any relationship problems besides what has been caused by when he is on something and taking it out on me. But normally we don't. So I honestly feel and he has actually said this before that his home life, where several negative things have happened in his past, is a big blame for his continuation. As far as seeing a therapist, this is something I would like him to do. He should be getting his insurance coverage soon so money won't be an issue. He just has to force himself to go. I don't think the group sessions at the clinic help. But as far as his mom screaming at him and threatening to kick him out that will only make it worse and she thinks it will make him better. Maybe they need to have family therapy.

[TheSteelAngel]

Yes family therapy is a good idea. It looks like the mom could use some help too in regards of dealing with this. I hope all goes well for you guys

[Kapwned]

Please promise yourself that there will be a point where enough is enough and you will give him an ultimatum or leave. Drug addicts can become much more than just irritable. They can become abusive, both physically and verbally. They can drain you of your resources and take full advantage of you because they know you feel sympathy for them and will not turn them down. Nothing will work unless he willingly goes to get help and truly wants it. And it's easier said than done. Addicts can have brief epiphanies, but that moment can be gone in a blink of an eye. And often they will agree simply to shut up those around them and get their way. This is beyond family therapy if you ask me. His parents could use the therapy, but I don't think it'll help him per se. He is physically dependent on this stuff. It needs to be forced out of his system in order for him to be him again. Until then he is either high or sinking into a state of needing more soon. I assume this stuff is seriously affecting the chemicals in his brain as most drugs do. And the longer he abuses it the more chance he stands at doing permanent damage to his mental health.

Drug addicts do deserve some sympathy and understanding. They most likely turned to drugs for a reason and never did they intend on getting addicted. But like any mental health issue or illness, it does not excuse your behavior and those around you should not be made to feel bad if they choose to walk away, especially when your behavior becomes abusive and destructive. With my experience with my sisters addiction, it got really bad. It lead to people attempting suicide over her, bank accounts were drained, we became homeless because of her, irreplaceable values such as our grandparents wedding rings were stolen and pawned, and her children were neglected and abused. We had more than enough reasons to walk away and forget her and the closer we were to her the worse it got.

[hmrambling]

We don't have any relationship problems besides what has been caused by when he is on something and taking it out on me. But normally we don't. So I honestly feel and he has actually said this before that his home life, where several negative things have happened in his past, is a big blame for his continuation.

Statements like this normalize and excuse addictive and abusive behavior.

Please promise yourself that there will be a point where enough is enough and you will give him an ultimatum or leave.

Just like addicts cross the line of those things they will never do, so do partners of addicts. Partners of addicts find themselves in places that they never thought they would be in, accept being treated poorly when they swore they would never tolerate being treated poorly, accept unacceptable behavior when they said they would not. The addiction feeds on poor self esteem, fears, and resentment of addicts, and partners of addicts. It's an uphill battle without a support network and recovery program. Even with a support network and recovery program, it is challenging.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Lesson: do something different than what is already being done.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

When I don't set boundaries and defend those boundaries, I'm teaching the other person that their behavior is okay.

[Kapwned]

I'm well aware of what it's like dealing with an addict. It's like there's two extremes on how people deal with addicts. There are those who want to be supportive and understanding to help their loved one because there are probably deep issues that lead to the addiction. But at the same time, you can't let them push you around and take advantage of you no matter how much you love them. Or else it can seriously harm you in the end.

My sisters behavior due to her addiction resulted in both of her siblings attempting suicide, she physically and verbally abused one of them, she abused and neglected her children, stole and pawned valuable and irreplaceable family heirlooms, and drained my parent's bank account which inevitably lead to us being homeless. Example of how things can potentially go down when you sit and make up excuses for your loved one. Things didn't get better until we walked away.

[Dwessie]

So every time I say I won't give him any or even if its impossible he gets pissed and threatens to stop talking to me. I have done so much for him. I've pawned crap for him, I am out of work currently but I have taken care of him still. I have been worse off emotionally for him. All of this in the name of love. Because of what's been happening the last few days I'm actually getting thoughts I would never have.

This relationship has become all give and no receive. He's already making you get rid of YOUR possessions for HIS crap-ass habit. This is obviously a very toxic relationship. Yes I know you love him, but if he loved you, he'd stop this, and if you love yourself, you'll realize you shouldn't have to deal with this. You're way better than it and you deserve someone who won't pull this sort of crap.

[Kapwned]

This video is also a good watch. Granted it's a personal video, but she's a vlogger on youtube and her (now ex) husband had once been a part of her videos and at one point she divorced him and her viewers didn't know why, so she decided to explain it. Perhaps it's a good idea to watch, see how her experience makes you feel, what you wish she would have done, or whether you agree with her. If you agree with her and cannot think of anything different that she should have done, then maybe that's the answer for you.