Emotional Over Thinker! I need encouragement!

[twentynine11]

I am looking for advice and encouragement from women and men that have been through or are going through similar long distance relationship situations.
I will do my best to summarize this.
My boyfriend is not an emotional type. He doesn't use words of affirmation much toward me. He just isn't the type to be "feely" with his words. However, I feel like if I have to ask for a compliment, it's not really a compliment. I like to hear him say things from the abundance of his heart.
My boyfriend and I have been together since 2012 (3 years). Keep in mind, I have an eight year old son involved too. 2 years of our relationship have been long distance. He moved to obtain his masters degree. May 2015, he graduated and found out that he was accepted into med school all in one day! He has been overwhelmed with excitement. I have loved seeing him this way!
After waiting for him for two years and not knowing what to expect after that, it is clear now that I will be waiting for another 4 years and possibly more than that.
I'm not exactly sure of what I am experiencing right now. All I know is I am an emotional over thinker. I have a 9 to 5 job that bores me. That gives me too much time to think. I take a full time course load and am working toward my bachelors degree, but I am out for the summer so that leaves too much thinking room. I feel like I am completely obsessed with this relationship.
I adore my boyfriend, but because he doesn't put the thought into this relationship that I do, I feel he doesn't adore me. I need him, but does he really need me? Does he appreciate me? Do I come second to him "becoming a doctor, will it always be that way? I can love and support him. I can wait for however long I have to on this journey because I know without a doubt that I love him and want to be his wife one day. For some reason, I don't think he appreciates that about me. As a man, wouldn't you feel pride and encouragement in knowing you have a woman that will never leave your side and be as understanding as possible through two years of master and the four years of med school hell that you are going to experience? I want to be appreciated without asking for it.
A little more than a month ago, he broke up with me because I had "jealousy issues". I will admit, I was obsessively jealous. He has never cheated on me and has always tried to show me as much respect as possible when I went on my crazy rants. One crazy rant too many... he broke up with me. I was hurt... all my hopes and dreams with him were shattered. My son calls him "daddy" so you can image how crushed I was. Long story short here, we are back together and he told me he never really had intentions of leaving me for good. He was stressed with trying to graduate, work, and trying to get into med school at the time. I added pressure on him because of my assumptions and jealousy. He pushed me away to relieve some of that pressure he was feeling from every angle. I understand that now, but it made me question... Will he do this again? Does he really value me and my place in his life? If he could push me away that easily, does he really consider me as a prize in his life?
Right now, things are good. He is making an effort to communicate more. He texts, gchats, and has skyped with me. He tells me what he is doing and where he will be so that I don't wonder or expect from him when he is busy. He tells me he loves me, calls me "sweetie", "babe", etc. This sounds childish, but he even tags me in his facebook and instagram posts. He even made his profile picture one of us kissing after we found out he got into med school (a moment we will never forget).
I have told him over and over how proud I am of him and his accomplishments. I told him that he motivates me to want to do more in my life and make him proud too. He said "you already make me proud!".
Am I thinking too much? Am I just not being understanding of the male mind? Do I just need to just focus less on the negative and more on the positive?

[lyonsgirl]

Yes. To all of your questions.

[TheSteelAngel]

Well all I have to say about this is that since he's going to become a doctor than yes his job will be a top priority now. If he's going to become a doctor than you have to realize that it's not just you who needs him anymore. Other people will need him to. It hurts but you are going to have to prepare yourself when he gets called into work on an emergency and will just have no time for you. My boyfriend is cop and I'm going through all this too. I get over emotional at times and over think things fairly often, and it turns out what I'm worried about is just in my head. Keep yourself busy and remind yourselves why you love each other every once in a while and you'll be fine

[Moon]

I'm not really sure what you're expecting from him? It sounds like he's definitely making an effort, he makes you a part of his life, he allows your son to call him daddy, he tells you he loves you, what more are you expecting from him exactly? Are compliments from him really going to mean more than everything he's already doing? You do realize actions speak louder than words, I hope. Just enjoy your relationship, and stop looking at the things he doesn't do, and pay attention to what he's doing.

[conejita_hada]

Overthinking - yes. Something you should consider if he's starting med school in the fall: how will you react to limited communication for the next four years plus however many years his residency is? Becoming a doctor takes more than four years. My sister is finishing the second year of her 3 year residency and plans to pursue a two year fellowship after that (med school, residency, and fellowship = 9 years combined for her). Because of the stress he'll have pursuing his medical degree, stop overthinking and remember that less time communicating isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means he's busy. It's okay to voice concerns but remember to be supportive.

[twentynine11]

TheSteelAngel -
I know that he is in for a loooong road ahead. He will always be available to everyone else, and a lot of times before me. On one hand, I have to love him even more for that. On the other hand, I'm just not sure how to deal with that. The past two years we've been ldr, I feel like they flew by. The only hope I can hold to right now is that the next several years will do the same.

Moon -
You are right. I understand that I am putting way too much thought and worry into this, but I'm not sure how to divert my attention elsewhere. I find it hard lately to just relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is. I've been telling myself to trust the process, but I think fear overrides me. You are absolutely right though, I need to focus on the positive things that he does. The other things are all worries that I assume. If I tell myself something for long enough, that becomes what I believe. Telling myself that he isn't as committed or that he doesn't love me enough for this to last, those are lies that I've told myself and come to believe. Right?
I don't feel like I was this worried about the relationship in the first two years. When he did the whole "break-up" thing that I mentioned, that's when this started. How do I get back?

conejita_hada -
Honestly, I think the limited communication is going to be extremely hard. That is why I'm trying to get on stable ground before he starts school in August. I'm trying to get back to a relaxation and calm within myself. I want nothing more than to be his biggest supporter. I guess being pushed to the back burner just doesn't seem fair at times, if I'm being honest.
I understand my schooling hasn't been as extensive as his, but I have never put school before him and in the end, I have a 4.0. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he will continue to prioritize me and my son into his life if I am THAT important to him, right?

Med school is an amazing opportunity for him. I don't want to hinder, burden, or stress him in any way.
Maybe things will be better for me when school starts again for me. Then I will have 3rd grade homework (my son), a full time course load, work, and church to occupy my time again. An idle mind is the devil's playground, right?

[conejita_hada]

I'm sure he'll work at prioritizing you and your son. It's good you're preparing. I haven't been through med school, just witnessing the stress for my sister, it's a difficult time. With patience and understanding on both ends (him, too!) it'll be fine.

[twentynine11]

That is encouraging conejita_hada! Thank you so much!
Anything worth having is worth working hard (patience of waiting, pain of being apart) for.
I should count my blessings... with respect to his time, I can pretty much visit him anytime I want to. I love counting down the days until our next visit.
I will actually see him this weekend and I'm extremely excited about that.

I had sent him 3 movies from a series that he really likes. He called to tell me that he received the last one in the mail today. He said "thank you" and then told me about gifts that he received in the mail from his family. If he didn't love me and want me to be a part, I guess he wouldn't make that kind of effort would he?

I need to learn to trust the process and just relax!

[Miasmata]

Also, there is no such thing as "the male mind" - He's an individual just as everyone else. And as long as you feel he's the individual you can love and trust, practice not to worry! It's all too understandable to freak out and let the anxiety win over, but you can practice selfcare and mindfulness to combat it. What helps me a lot is meditation, relaxing nature sounds, going outside and keeping busy with hobbies I love. And always, remind yourself of the reality of things VS your anxious perception. Perspective helps me a lot, at least. Best of luck!

[twentynine11]

Miasmata,
You are so right!! Perspective is a hard thing to grasp when you haven't practiced it. What you are saying doesn't really come second nature to me. I am learning that this thing called life is supposed to be taken one day at a time. Trust the process. I woke up this morning in prayer before my feet ever touched the carpet. I prayed that God would give me a new outlook. I am weak, frustrated, and exhausted trying to "figure things out" or "make things right". Could it be that things are right and I just need to relax? It's really a silly thing.
I can't read minds. I don't know what my boyfriend is thinking. I can only go off of what he says and I tend to try to mold his words into what I assume he means instead of what he actually says.

I went to church last night where a girl that had experienced a bad relationship in the past told me that she felt in her "spirit", in her opinion, that my boyfriend is not the man for me. She said, "there is someone out there for you, someone better!" As someone that has a relationship with God, I took her opinion to heart. Her comment made me evaluate and think into things even deeper than I already was. It scared me! I'm already exhausted with my contemplation of every thing else that was on my mind, now someone is telling me that he isn't the one for me? I love this man, flaws and all.

I honestly believe that I am the problem. Over thinking, uncontrollable emotions, the lack of joy, the confusion... That isn't of God!! Honestly, I don't think that the relationship is the problem, my boyfriend is not the problem, my son's father is not the problem (co-parenting stress), my mediocre job is not the problem... I AM THE PROBLEM!! Only I can change that and my way of thinking. I need to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I need find who I am as an individual so that I can be an enhancement to this relationship. Relying on my boyfriend for every good feeling that I desire is not healthy.
this wasn't a problem before the temporary "break-up" that I mentioned earlier. Why am I questioning everything now?
I want to relax! I want to be free from my own mind.

[Ella85]

I am also an emotional over thinker and my boyfriend is really the opposite. He tells me I am the passionate one in the relationship and I tell him he is the practical one. We work well like that and both try to be understanding to how the other is. But I have not been with my boyfriend as long as you have with yours.

However I really do over think everything to the point where I can get stress and anxiety and even have insomnia from it at times. Jealousy won't help you, just stop. If he has never cheated and never given you any reason to doubt him, just stop you are not doing yourself or him any favors. I have completely 100% given my trust to my boyfriend on this one. He could easily cheat and lie to me if he wanted to, but I know that if he did that it meant he didn't truly love me and I honestly believe that he does and would never hurt me so badly.

You need to distract yourself as much as possible. Anything, keep yourself constantly active. I get more upset when I am not active. I'm going though a terrible down period at the moment and I know what I need to do to get out of it. I am just finding it difficult because I am not feeling 100% like myself.

You need to take a step back and just relax, quit stressing and calm yourself. This is why you had your temporary break because it got too much for him at a stressful time. You are aware that you have an issue that is the first step.

[twentynine11]

There are absolutely WAAAAAY too many thoughts going on in my head! I just go back in forth like crazy! I want to relax and just live... HOW?
I think I rely too much on my boyfriend for attention and to make me feel wanted and appreciated. That's not normal, is it? I mean, he is doing what he can with the distance that we have. I shouldn't want him to feel the same way about me that I do about him right now, cause I feel like I'm going crazy! lol I fear that he doesn't think about me, or that he doesn't love me as much as I love him, or that he will be so distracted by everything else around him that he will forget all about me. I sound completely insecure in myself and this relationship. It's dumb.

You know those times that you go through something really hard or you worry too much about something. Then as time goes a little, you realize that you worried for nothing. Everything always works out in the end. You look back and you think, "why did I waste so much thought on that?". I'm ready to get to that point. I'm ready for all this craziness within my mind to be over!!!
I've tried today to just let it go and just be... it hasn't been easy and I haven't been very successful.

[Miasmata]

Have you tried meditation? With practice, it can be a very useful tool against anxiety. Mindfulness is really important when it comes to calming your mind, and it can be achieved in many ways. Other good ways can be going outside, physical activities like sports or workout, and of course reminding yourself of the facts when the anxiety tries to convince you otherwise.

[Ella85]

Unfortunately you won't be able to stop the thoughts because it is part of who you are. That is something I've accepted about myself, I will never be able to shut off my constant thinking. But it's how you handle it that will help you. I always worry when half the time I have no need to, my boyfriend also knows this and understands this about me. So even if I don't say something is bothering me, he always knows, I don't have to tell him for him to know.

[Irina_Linn]

Fellow overthinker here Honestly,I also tend to overthink and panick over things I imagined in my mind.What helped me was:
-Occupy your mind.Hobby,extra work,whatever.Even if you feel like doing nothing,still do it.The idea of being occupied gives you strength and distracts from overthinking
-Do something physical.Exhaust yourself with exercise.
-Remember that the problem is not real.It is simply something you thought of.I liked how my friend described the situation of overthinking "When your life sucks in some aspects like work or family,relationship is the only happy and stable thing left.Your brain does not believe it and tries to find ways to spoil it for you by overthinking imaginary problems".So don't let it do so! Good luck with taming yourself