Older woman/ younger man LDR

[Perthgirl1]

Hi. This is my first time on here. I am a 43 year old woman madly, totally in love with a 19 year old who lives over 9000 miles away. We met on a chat site and have known each other for a year. We have an emotional bond/connection that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When we are 'together' my heart races like a little girl. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. We've had some rough times but we keep coming back to each other. When we are apart, we are both miserable. I want to go meet him. See if what we have is as strong in 'real life'. I'm scared. I love him so much. Neither of us cares about the age difference. I would love to hear from any other couples in this situation. I would love any advice. Thank you in advance

[snow]

What do you need advice on?

[Perthgirl1]

Anything and everything. Because he's younger we have a different set of difficulties I guess... neither of us has had LDR before. It's scary. He thought I had cheated on him (which i hadnt) and we are trying to rebuild our trust. How do i convince a 19 year old that i'm faithful? How do we deal with the naysayers? How do we know that this amazing connection that we have is real?? Its all so new and scary and wonderful and exciting and heartbreaking and.... as you can see my emotions are all over the place....

[snow]

LDRs are what you make of it. You have to make a conscious effort to communicate, because you don't have the luxury of giving them a hug or kissing them, so it's definitely not easy, but since you've been talking a year already, I don't see why this shouldn't work. Have you talked on the phone/voice chatted before? Have you had video calls? I think those things are helpful to establish how "real" a relationship is. After hearing time and time again how older men are looking for young women on the internet and then do gruesome things to them once they meet in person, it definitely help soothe those irrational fears when we had our first video call about a week into making it "official".

I don't have experience in dating with age gaps greater than my own, my husband is 8 years older, so there is not really much I can help you with here. In relationships with more than 10 years of age gap, you will always have naysayers and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to be in and if the answer is yes, then you do what you gotta do. Whether I agree with it or not is irrelevant and wouldn't change your mind in any way. If you are confident in your decision, then does it really matter what the naysayers say?

When it comes to the trust issue, obviously you can't prove anything that you haven't done, so all you can do is offer to be open about what you're doing, tell them where you are going, share stories of what happened, share pictures, etc.

You were 19, you have kids that were 19, how you deal with them is probably how you will have to deal with him as he doesn't have the life experience you have. My husband has more life experience than I do and sometimes he has to halt, re-evaluate the situation and realize that some things I haven't been through, so I don't know how to handle them.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

You were 19, you have kids that were 19, how you deal with them is probably how you will have to deal with him as he doesn't have the life experience you have. My husband has more life experience than I do and sometimes he has to halt, re-evaluate the situation and realize that some things I haven't been through, so I don't know how to handle them.

I would also like to add that (most) 19 year olds are at a very different point of their lives than you are at yours. I briefly dated someone 5 years older than me when I was 19, and I couldn't handle it. He was settled in his career and looking to make things permanent as soon as possible. I was only in my second year of college and wanting to still have fun and let loose a little bit. That age gap is so incredibly small, yet it just wasn't realistic with where we were at the time of our lives. Everyone is different though. My sister has always dated older guys and it works well for her. Basically, all I'm trying to say is that an age gap can be incredibly hard if you both aren't looking for the same things at the time you're dating. That is not to say that it can't work or that everyone is looking for the same things at the same times in their lives. Just make sure you're communicating with your SO and talking about those issues that may come up.

[Malaga]

It's easier to pretend that the age gap doesn't matter in a virtual world than when you're physically around each other. If I were you I'd ask myself what do I find so appealing in this 19 year old boy and focus on why can't I find that with someone more my equal. Because a 24 year gap is so severe you really can't be equal in any way. Why are you attracted to this inequality? As long as you're both of legal age and consenting you guys can do whatever you want, but you have to be aware of how unlikely this is to work out. (Not because of the distance.) So calm down the hormones and do give this a good thought, for your own sake. Focus on yourself.

[Perthgirl1]

It's easier to pretend that the age gap doesn't matter in a virtual world than when you're physically around each other. If I were you I'd ask myself what do I find so appealing in this 19 year old boy and focus on why can't I find that with someone more my equal. Because a 24 year gap is so severe you really can't be equal in any way. Why are you attracted to this inequality? As long as you're both of legal age and consenting you guys can do whatever you want, but you have to be aware of how unlikely this is to work out. (Not because of the distance.) So calm down the hormones and do give this a good thought, for your own sake. Focus on yourself.

I have thought about this sooooo much. He and I both have. He's always been attracted to older women. He's not like most 19 year olds. He's mature. He's thoughtful. He says he is an old man in a young mans body. Intellectually, we are a match. Emotionally... definitely a match. We have considered the pros and cons of our relationship and talked about the expectations. Neither of us are going in blind. We even broke up for a while. But we were so miserable without each other. I never dreamt I would fall in love with a guy young enough to be my son. But our connection is undeniable. I believe we need to give this a go. If it doesnt work at least we tried. I dont want to have any regrets. And I know that not trying... not giving us a chance... would be a huge regret for both of us.

[TaraMarie]

I married a man 22 years older than me. We were together from the time I was 19 until I was 47. We were happy for many years and had three beautiful children. In the end it was the age difference that ended our marriage. We just had nothing in common. As he got older I realized it. He wanted to sleep at 7:30....I was just getting home from work. I started doing more by myself over the years because he was tired or not interested.....and we drifted apart. Now, I would call that marriage a success! And he is still my best friend and a wonderful help to me and in my life daily, but even coming from a success story I would never encourage an age difference like that. Especially with a teen. I was an old soul too, and mature for my age...but even I look back and wonder what the hell he saw in me at 19! Good luck to you!

[R&R]

I married a man 22 years older than me. We were together from the time I was 19 until I was 47. We were happy for many years and had three beautiful children. In the end it was the age difference that ended our marriage. We just had nothing in common. As he got older I realized it. He wanted to sleep at 7:30....I was just getting home from work. I started doing more by myself over the years because he was tired or not interested.....and we drifted apart. Now, I would call that marriage a success! And he is still my best friend and a wonderful help to me and in my life daily, but even coming from a success story I would never encourage an age difference like that. Especially with a teen. I was an old soul too, and mature for my age...but even I look back and wonder what the hell he saw in me at 19! Good luck to you!

^^This

I generally always dated older than me because even the most mature of men my age were not mature enough. When considering dating younger, my rule for me was if they were closer in age to my daughters (who are 19 and 20 now) then the were to mine, no way. When I was 21 I dated a man who was 31 and even there, close-distance, the age gap ended up being too much. He was much more advanced in his life, his career, was ready for kids, etc and I was not ready for that.

I also agree with Malaga that living it virtually against IRL is a big difference. It may seem wonderful now but what happens when you are ready to retire and he's still going to be working for the next 20+ years? What about kids? Is he ready to consider helping to support and start a family? Are you wanting to have kids again at this age? (I'm 44 and no way do I want to start over.) What happens when he's a little older and getting out into the "real world" and he realizes what a big world it is out there? I tell that to kids heading off to college and are afraid of breaking up - well when you realize what's out there, directions in life can change. I know we say age is just a number, but in reality, he's still just a kid.

[differentcountries]

I think the most important thing is to be in the same place in what you want in your life. I have dated people older than me who messed about and settled with nothing much. I have been in love with people older than me who were very settled in their ways, having mostly friends their age and so I felt could not see where I was coming from. I have been in people younger than me who were so childish it became a turn off. My ex was just a year younger than me and with about the same level of experience as me, but still felt that she had too much wild oats to sow to settle down with me. There is really no standard answer.

But does having a common ground help? Often, it does. My SO is seven years younger than me, which is not a whole lot, but enough so that we feel the age difference at times. I have much more relationship experience than him, I am financially more well off than him and own property for instance. I sometimes try to think about how strange some things must seem to him, and he tries to learn about me and my experience as well. I thought about the age difference more in the beginning.

[Ella85]

Before my ex I dated 2 guys that were a lot older than me. You will get tons of people making comments but at the end of the day, who cares? Is it their life? Nope it's yours! So just get on with it and do what you think is best.

[Perthgirl1]

Before my ex I dated 2 guys that were a lot older than me. You will get tons of people making comments but at the end of the day, who cares? Is it their life? Nope it's yours! So just get on with it and do what you think is best.

Thankyou Ella. I've been feeling very insecure and like I'm doing the wrong thing by him over the last few days. I got to talk to him last night and he said I was being silly. He is more than happy with the way things are between us. He doesnt care about the age gap. And we are in the same place in so many areas of our lives... just not age or location lol. We're going to stay together. See what happens. It may end in a week.... a year... or we may end up 'happily ever after'. Only time will tell. But at least we know we'll never have any regrets. We gave it everything.

[Ella85]

For me the biggest gap was 15 years. I was 15 and he was 30. These were both CD relationships and they did not end because of the age gap but for other reasons. I don't think age plays a factor in relationships. My boyfriend is 2 years younger than I am.

[Mims27]

The age thing is tricky, I find. Most the time I think, it's just a number but the age difference in my relationship with my wife and I has had some effects on our relationship for sure. And she is only 8 years younger than I am. At first everything was super exciting and fun (And they still are!!) but when we started getting really serious and talking about the things we wanted and the future, that's where we started to say, ok, this is going to be a bit of struggle. She was 19 and I was 27 (when we started). She wanted to go to college. I was all done with that stuff and wanted to start building my life with her. So it was hard for both us to feel like we were not on the same page. But! We pushed through it and talked about it A LOT. Five years later, we're still together and she just FINALLY finished school. We are now officially at the same place in our relationship and want the same things! Anyway, I'm rambling. lol Yes it has worked for us but it was a struggle. I can't even imagine what it would be like having a 20 year difference. But if you want to try then go for it. Just know that it will probably be really hard. You wont really know until you try right?

[Zephii]

Some people rock the age gap thing. Me? Nope. I dated a man 25 years older than me, and actually he was just a Paedophile looking for someone young and stupid enough to control. I fit the bill nicely haha. I can't honestly say that age was ever a real problem in our relationship though. Yes, it gave him an advantage, a vast amount of power over me that I didn't even realise, but between us it was never an issue. I remember being weirded out at how I wasn't weirded out by it haha. (Though I realise now how badly that would have changed if we'd had kids. He was very much "been there, done that, not doing it again" and though he made out like he wanted kids with me, he was very clear that I would be raising them alone.) My best advice, having come out of a generationally different relationship is:
* Look after your health! I can't list the times I wanted to do something that he physically wasn't able to do, not simply because he was older, but because the combination of old, overweight, unfit and diabetic. Age puts you at a physical disadvantage, so I feel you need to step up your health routine to balance that.
* Acknowledge your power, talk about it together, and don't abuse it.
* Keep up with the times. Gender rolls aren't the same now as they were when you were 19, for example. This is partly on my mind because one of my sisters is dating an only slightly older man (she's 40 he's 50ish) and it's like she stepped back in time to be with him. Talk about what you both need and expect without trying to sway each other.

Back to some people rocking it. A mate of mine fell in love with her math teacher when we were both in high school. I don't know exactly how old he is, but it's up there. He's not going to see 50 again. Of course the whole town was shaken (as small towns are) he lost his job, it was a big scandal. This was more than ten years ago now. Now he's a successful cop, they have four great kids, and they are still disgustingly in love. It's wonderful. Their families support them (her mum was his co-worker) and from a third person perspective at least they have it all going on.

I think the hardest thing with obvious age differences is dealing with friends. I imagine this is easier if one party isn't an abuser of course, but I know both my ex and my friends found it awkward to be around us together. Mine felt like there was a parent in the room at worst, a creepy old dude at best... his friends saw me as a child (and referred to me sometimes as his "child bride") at best, and some kind of fetish toy at worst. No one saw us as equals (Of course, I realise now that's because we weren't! I was 15 when we got together) and social events were very awkward (made more awkward by the fact I look a lot younger than I am, and he looked older than he actually was (again with the needing to look after yourself thing)).

From an LDR angle, really, it's the same as any other relationship and I encourage you to treat it as such. Make each other the centre of your relationship (or God, if you're Christian) not the distance. You are not a long distance couple - you are a couple dealing with long distance. It's a factor of the relationship, not a corner stone.
Embracing what you do have really works. Being thankful. Focusing on being mentally present, not physically present. Because the former is far more important anyway!

Lastly: masturbate together - a lot. It helps. You still get the intimacy, the embarrassment, and most of the hormones you get from doing it in person. Involve each other. It also brings piece of mind. People used to ask me "How do you know he isn't cheating on you?" and I'd say "No one can masturbate that much and be satisfying someone on the side!" Seriously though, the less sexually frustrated you are, the less likely you are to get drunk and make dumb excuses/decisions.

That's all the ramble I have in me right now! Anyway, welcome to the forum! I believe in the groups section you will find a group for people in your kind of relationship. I don't know if it is active, but give it a shot.