Communication.. It has to be my least favorite word in the world. Not because I don't like it or want it, but because it is next to impossible to achieve with the girl I love.
The 27th of this past month marked our official first 6mo together. I love her very much and I fight on with her in our very complicated ldr. Her family does not know about me, they can't. If they did they would destroy what little communication I have with her. I patiently wait for Brittaney to graduate so that we can be together as a couple, and a family. At least that is what be both claim to want. I have known her for over a year and have been witness to a lot of the struggles she has had to endure. We try to talk but with both of us working and her need for our relationship to be private, it just is not happening. I have not had a real vocal (Skype/phone) conversation with her in over a month. We hardly text, only 5-6 messages a day with a few exceptions. I make myself available to her so that we can talk, I have tried planning ahead and scheduling times for us to talk days in advane. But it is just not happening.
It hurts so bad. I love her more than anything in the world and I would do anything for her. I have never been in so much pain in my life, which is saying something as I used to be very suicidal and have issues of selfharm in the past. I don't know what to do. I get conflicting messages. She tells me that she loves me and that our love keeps her going, but she cannot find a single time in over a month for a call.
I am not ready to give up on her, I can't. At this point I feel like my love for her is going to drag me into the grave. That's how I feel right now.. And then we had our fight.
*********
As I previously stated, we just had our first 6mo anniversary. With all of the secrecy, we have been unable to celebrate important dates very easy (Christmas, birthdays, valentine's day). I can't mail her anything because if it shows up at her door, her parents will find out.
Her 18th Birthday is this June 30th. I wanted to send her something, anything. With both the anniversary and her birthday coming I decided to buy her a necklace. I had no idea what I was going to do with it but I bought it anyways. It was a silver pendent with a large emerald set in it.
I sent her a picture of it and asked if there was anyway I could get it to her. She was so surprised and said some really cute and loving things. She told me that she was going to have me mail it to her best friend, she just needed to get her permission first. She said her friend would be excited.
That was a while ago, she never got back to me as to whether I could mail it. I asked her why and she said that her friend was busy and that Britt (my SO) had forgotten to ask her. I waited over a week. Nothing.
Now at the same time I know Brittaney is going through a very hard time. June 8th of last year, her baby brother was born. Due to his having a cleft palate that extended into his brain, he passed away the 17th of that month. I was there for her last year as she went through this. It was one of the things that drew us closer. It devastated her and of and on through out the year, she would just break down crying because she missed him so much.
So I know she is going through a hard time so I don't want to push her. It hurts me that I can't be there to comfort her.
What can I do? I want to send her the necklace. It is my hope that by doing that she can have something physical that she can hold onto that represents our love. I want something, anything, to try and give her some comfort.
I decided to contact her friend...
This is the message I sent:
========
"Hello Nicole, my name is Douglas H******t (my Facebook name is fake) I am Brittaney O*****'s boyfriend.
I hope that you can forgive me for randomly messaging you. But I have a favor to ask of you.
First I will ask that hold off from telling Brittaney that I have contacted you. I don't want you to lie to her or keep this from her, just please wait to tell her...
I love Brittaney so very much, she is my whole world and I'm worried about her. With Joshua's birthday fast approaching I know she is hurting. I want to do something for her if I can during this time and with her family dynamics it makes that very difficult.
A couple weeks ago I bought her an emerald necklace for our anniversary. She was going to tell you about it and get your permission to let me mail it to you so that she could get it. For reasons that I am unsure of, I do not believe she has told you, which is perfectly okay, she has a lot on her plate right now.
Howes I would like for her to get the necklace. I know it just a rock and some metal but it is also a token of my love for her and I would like to think that it could give her some comfort during this time.
Is there any chance that you could help me get it to her?"
========
Five minutes later I start to get rapid session texts from Brittaney.
"What did you do"
" You need to ask me about this shit "
" I'm so mad at you right now its not mad even funny. "
" You never listen to me "
" You have no idea. I can't believe you right now...."
" You knew how delicate this shit is! And how stressed I am! Why why!! Would you add to it like this!!!! "
I guess she found time to talk... That was at 10:30 pm (she had sent me 2-3 texts that morning 8am ish)
I was horrified, and also very surprised. My good intentions went very wrong. She is right, I should have asked her. But her response was not something that I would have ever expected. I feel so broken. This is the woman of my dreams, my love, and now she is lividly mad at me. I have no idea what she means by "you never listen to me" it hit me like a shotgun blast to the chest. Everything I have does is for her. I have made bad choices but with the exception of contacting her friend, I have NEVER done anything she has asked me not to.
This all happened last night. I have no idea what is going to happen. She has not texted me this morning and we did not leave on the best note last night.
I expect we will probably work it out but at the same time I feel like I am a little tin soldier. Sitting on a shelf, waiting for my child to come play with me. I am trapped in a statute like existence, loyal to the one I belong to.. At least until I become either so broken that nothing is left or until I am discarded for a better play thing. But as a soldier, I fight on, till victory or until death.
I kind of feel like I know the guidance I will be given but I would like to hear it all the same.. Anyone?
The 27th of this past month marked our official first 6mo together. I love her very much and I fight on with her in our very complicated ldr. Her family does not know about me, they can't. If they did they would destroy what little communication I have with her. I patiently wait for Brittaney to graduate so that we can be together as a couple, and a family. At least that is what be both claim to want. I have known her for over a year and have been witness to a lot of the struggles she has had to endure. We try to talk but with both of us working and her need for our relationship to be private, it just is not happening. I have not had a real vocal (Skype/phone) conversation with her in over a month. We hardly text, only 5-6 messages a day with a few exceptions. I make myself available to her so that we can talk, I have tried planning ahead and scheduling times for us to talk days in advane. But it is just not happening.
It hurts so bad. I love her more than anything in the world and I would do anything for her. I have never been in so much pain in my life, which is saying something as I used to be very suicidal and have issues of selfharm in the past. I don't know what to do. I get conflicting messages. She tells me that she loves me and that our love keeps her going, but she cannot find a single time in over a month for a call.
I am not ready to give up on her, I can't. At this point I feel like my love for her is going to drag me into the grave. That's how I feel right now.. And then we had our fight.
*********
As I previously stated, we just had our first 6mo anniversary. With all of the secrecy, we have been unable to celebrate important dates very easy (Christmas, birthdays, valentine's day). I can't mail her anything because if it shows up at her door, her parents will find out.
Her 18th Birthday is this June 30th. I wanted to send her something, anything. With both the anniversary and her birthday coming I decided to buy her a necklace. I had no idea what I was going to do with it but I bought it anyways. It was a silver pendent with a large emerald set in it.
I sent her a picture of it and asked if there was anyway I could get it to her. She was so surprised and said some really cute and loving things. She told me that she was going to have me mail it to her best friend, she just needed to get her permission first. She said her friend would be excited.
That was a while ago, she never got back to me as to whether I could mail it. I asked her why and she said that her friend was busy and that Britt (my SO) had forgotten to ask her. I waited over a week. Nothing.
Now at the same time I know Brittaney is going through a very hard time. June 8th of last year, her baby brother was born. Due to his having a cleft palate that extended into his brain, he passed away the 17th of that month. I was there for her last year as she went through this. It was one of the things that drew us closer. It devastated her and of and on through out the year, she would just break down crying because she missed him so much.
So I know she is going through a hard time so I don't want to push her. It hurts me that I can't be there to comfort her.
What can I do? I want to send her the necklace. It is my hope that by doing that she can have something physical that she can hold onto that represents our love. I want something, anything, to try and give her some comfort.
I decided to contact her friend...
This is the message I sent:
========
"Hello Nicole, my name is Douglas H******t (my Facebook name is fake) I am Brittaney O*****'s boyfriend.
I hope that you can forgive me for randomly messaging you. But I have a favor to ask of you.
First I will ask that hold off from telling Brittaney that I have contacted you. I don't want you to lie to her or keep this from her, just please wait to tell her...
I love Brittaney so very much, she is my whole world and I'm worried about her. With Joshua's birthday fast approaching I know she is hurting. I want to do something for her if I can during this time and with her family dynamics it makes that very difficult.
A couple weeks ago I bought her an emerald necklace for our anniversary. She was going to tell you about it and get your permission to let me mail it to you so that she could get it. For reasons that I am unsure of, I do not believe she has told you, which is perfectly okay, she has a lot on her plate right now.
Howes I would like for her to get the necklace. I know it just a rock and some metal but it is also a token of my love for her and I would like to think that it could give her some comfort during this time.
Is there any chance that you could help me get it to her?"
========
Five minutes later I start to get rapid session texts from Brittaney.
"What did you do"
" You need to ask me about this shit "
" I'm so mad at you right now its not mad even funny. "
" You never listen to me "
" You have no idea. I can't believe you right now...."
" You knew how delicate this shit is! And how stressed I am! Why why!! Would you add to it like this!!!! "
I guess she found time to talk... That was at 10:30 pm (she had sent me 2-3 texts that morning 8am ish)
I was horrified, and also very surprised. My good intentions went very wrong. She is right, I should have asked her. But her response was not something that I would have ever expected. I feel so broken. This is the woman of my dreams, my love, and now she is lividly mad at me. I have no idea what she means by "you never listen to me" it hit me like a shotgun blast to the chest. Everything I have does is for her. I have made bad choices but with the exception of contacting her friend, I have NEVER done anything she has asked me not to.
This all happened last night. I have no idea what is going to happen. She has not texted me this morning and we did not leave on the best note last night.
I expect we will probably work it out but at the same time I feel like I am a little tin soldier. Sitting on a shelf, waiting for my child to come play with me. I am trapped in a statute like existence, loyal to the one I belong to.. At least until I become either so broken that nothing is left or until I am discarded for a better play thing. But as a soldier, I fight on, till victory or until death.
I kind of feel like I know the guidance I will be given but I would like to hear it all the same.. Anyone?
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think R&R hit it right on the head though. Just give her time to think and if she really loves you like she says she does, she will come back to you. Good luck!
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