Normal, or a huge red flag?

[Aussieabroad]

Hey folks,
so I moved to California to close the distance after LD for a year. I was an Aussie living in New York for the duration of it.
I am 24 and my partner is 29 and all he wants to do is hang out and hates going out to bars and such. I am in a new place, so naturally I want to explore and him, being from CA, does not. In addition, since we got together, he has gained 30 pounds and stopped working out altogether. His confidence and his drive to be fit was a fairly significant part of what attracted me to him. Now he just complains how much weight he has gained and doesn't do anything about it.

Yesterday I was offered a job for an amazing company. But because of Visa paperwork, I have to sit around for another 2 weeks after already having sat around for 2 weeks while he is at work. I'm not sure if its the boredom of unemployment getting to me, but I find myself less attracted to him and bored, whereas I used to live for visits out to see him and would talk to him for hours on FaceTime every day.

The reason I'm giving all of this background is because a week or so after moving here, I have been struggling with the urge to be single and party. All I wanna do is meet new dudes closer to my age who wanna live. Is this a huge red flag, or just the culture shock of being in a regular relationship?

[snow_girl]

I think its natural to gain a bit of weight in a relationship, you no longer have to try as hard to impress a potential mate. I can understand him not wanting to go out and explore but its kind of a dick move that he won't go with you. I don't really see any of this as a red flag, but if he is already like this after just a week of moving in then that isn't a good sign. Would he get out and go for runs with you? Could it be hes a bit down because of his weight and doesn't want to do anything cause he feels crappy about himself? Have you talked to him about all this? Talk to him and let him know that you are new here and want to see things and it would be great it he would take you to some of his fave places. I hate going to bars and probably wouldn't if my SO asked, try finding things that he would be interested in going to. Instead of sitting around why don't you go and explore yourself? Don't let him bring you down completely.

[Aussieabroad]

Ahh the annoying thing is you can't get ANYWHERE in Orange County without a car. I blew a ton of money on ubers in my first 2 weeks and now I'm going to be cutting it fine once I buy a car and pay rent. So I'm basically stuck here when he's not around, which blows :/. the other issue is he is terrible with budgeting, so he has blown all his money until his next check. I've had to pay for all food and his gas so I'm even more strapped for cash (and resenting it)

[R&R]

Sometimes when you close the distance you start to see traits in the other person that you either didn't know about or ignored before. I can understand him not wanting to go out and party and to bars - I outgrew that by the time I was 22. However, him not wanting to go out and do anything is not good.

If he's let himself go and he's complaining about it, you have two options, listen to it or flat out tell him that unless he is willing to make the changes in his life to change that, then you don't want to hear it anymore. You'll need to sit down and plan a budget together if you are going to sharing in the bills and groceries. Though this is something that should have been discussed prior to the move, there is no time like the present to get it done.

If you are truly unhappy and resentful of him, then maybe you need to reevaluate things. Is this where you really want to be? Is this relationship really what you want? You have choices but you need to decide which outcome is the best for you.

[differentcountries]

I think you are mostly just upset about your job. The other stuff you sure have noticed them before the move, unless on your visits you always hung together in bars, worked out and were careful with money. Next pay check, estimate his half of food/gas and take it on pay day. Decide what to do about the relationship after you start your new job.

[emsimes]

Hey there,
I understand your pains about being bored. I am a high energy person, and I get insanely bored when I'm stuck in the house for a long period of time.
I grew up in OC, so I also feel your pain about needing a car to get around everywhere. During the next 2 weeks while you're waiting to start your job, perhaps you could look into public transportation (O.C.T.A) to get out of the house while your SO is at work? The buses are a bit slow, but it's better than being stuck at home, IMO!

I agree with the other posters that a lot of people don't stay in top shape once they've been in a relationship for awhile, but 30 lbs. is quite a bit :/ My SO also has a habit of complaining about things without doing anything to change, but when he's like this, I'm firm with him and tell him to either stop complaining, or get off his butt and start improving! I also think you should talk with him about going out places. I think you guys need to find a compromise that is an equal balance for both of you. OC has a lot of fun stuff to offer
Hopefully things will get cleared up once you can talk to him about it

[Kapwned]

Is he depressed about something? He doesn't want to go out, he's gained weight, and he's depressed about that weight. He could be suffering from a lack of motivation for some reason.

[Zapookie]

I'm going to echo depression. My ex put on 60 pounds when he lived with me for a year and wasn't able to find a job. On my last visit, he was also depressed. It was a struggle to get him to take me out anywhere because he didn't want to leave the house. I didn't know at the time that he was depressed, and I greatly resented him for it. I only found out late into my visit.

Try talking to your SO... have a heart to heart to get back on the same page.

[Miasmata]

Stresseating is a big issue for my SO, so I'm also gonna echo having a talk about his mental wellbeing. Stress can cause weight fluctuations just by changing hormones around, but when you eat more and don't want to go outside, it's gonna be considerably more problematic. Depression, whether it's situational or clinical, makes it very easy to stop caring for yourself and your body. Definitely talk to him, show him that you care and want to support him, and let him know your worries. If he's reflective enough, ask him what he needs to get better.

[Petals]

Hey folks,
a week or so after moving here, I have been struggling with the urge to be single and party. All I wanna do is meet new dudes closer to my age who wanna live. Is this a huge red flag, or just the culture shock of being in a regular relationship?

This statement says A LOT! If you feel this way now, listen to your inner voice and move on. I don't think it's normal to feel this way in your relationship- especially since you just moved to be with him. You have seen a different side to him that is not appealing. IMO, it doesn't matter if he's depressed or not : what you are seeing is not what you want. It's not as if you are seeing this aspect of him and thinking, hey we can find a way to work this out...your eyes are wandering and you are no longer in it: mind, body and soul...

You are young...listen to that voice and cut the chord so you can be more fulfilled.

[differentcountries]

Be careful of listening to that partyseeking voice too much in an unsure situation. Being dissapointed doesn't mean the other person has let you down. He has not changed, or anyway it is not described how he changed

OP might be upset about her SOs weightgain, but it only really bothered her after she lost her job and moved to him. He probably weighs the same as he did on those last amazing previous visits where she couldn't wait to share bed with him every night and forever. That has not changed.

OP only noticed her SO acting - according to her - irresponsible about money after she herself used a lot of money on costly taxi bills. She is also eager to use money to go on bars and explore as a tourist despite living only on her savings and, correct me if I am wrong, not paying ANY rent to her SO (come to think it it, is it that unreasonable of him to expect her to pay for food if he covers the rest?). Their financial habits are most likely the same as before, just became more visable since many people are a bit spendthrift on a travel but more frugal in daily life. You save some money living together, but at the same time it can also cost more if you pay for living in a house instead of a tiny shack where you only sleep.

Her SO may be lazy after a day's work, but she is not working and I don't hear her talking about her contributing any extra to the household, making nice dinners and such that he may or may not have expected since OP doesn't get tired from work and is not even applying for jobs anymore. If the OP gets together with another person in OC with a job, they may not have the time, energy and knowledge to be her personal tourist OC guide either. She may not realize that whatever nice things he did on shorter visits, he and most other people don't keep up such thing up for weeks on end. That may have changed - but that is due to circumstance, not him having changed personality during the two weeks they have lived together.

[lucybelle]

Sitting around blows. I know the feeling. You're bored and have too much time to think. You'll feel better once you have a job. Is there anyway you can drop your SO off at work so you can have the car during the day?

You also really need to have a conversation about finances. And about physical fitness. It's important to be attracted to your SO and you don't need to feel bad about that. Do some exercise groups together, that could help you meet common friends, too! With finances- come up with a budget and stick to it.

[Kapwned]

Although might I add that it shouldn't be purely about the attraction? Telling your SO that you're struggling because you're not physically attracted to them because they've gained weight can only make things worse. OP already said he acts depressed over it. You don't need to twist the knife. You should be concerned for his health or why a guy who otherwise was really into staying fit all of a sudden stopped? Right now it seems like OP is more concerned about their own happiness and how everything is affecting them. Their SO didn't just gain weight because. And they're being hypocritical by claiming their SO blew all of his money yet they want to go sight seeing and out to bars (which also costs money...). OP lives there now. OC is not going anywhere. There's plenty of time to go sight see.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

The last visit I had with my SO it was the middle of winter, we were stuck in side, and together 24-7. Everything he did annoyed me and I was about ready to throw in the towel. When we started going out and doing things and spending some more "me time" on ourselves, things got better quickly. I've learned that I need my alone time and to leave the apartment every once in a while otherwise I begin to lash out and get annoyed easily. Is it possible that something similar is happening to you now that you're stuck home all day? This could especially be true if you're used to having your time alone and have it during the day only to have your SO come home and you have to start adjusting to him being there?