Feeling alone and not sure if it's the LD or the relationship

[Polly]

I find it difficult to know if it's the relationship itself that's the problem or just the long distance. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with our relationship and I'm not sure if it's just a small common problem that most couples have.

Whenever something comes up that makes me stressed or sad, usually it's because of family problems with my sisters or mom or dad. Or sometimes it's just something stressful in general. When I talk to my boyfriend about stuff like that he doesn't say much, and just brushes it off with "just don't worry about it" or even with a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh well". He can't really relate to my problems or isn't good at making it seem like he cares. He cares about me but I feel that there's no point talking to him about stuff that stresses me out or makes me sad because it's like talking to a blank wall.

I don't know why he's like that, but it's gotten to the point where I don't want to share that stuff with him to get comfort. It does make me sad though. A big part of a relationship is feeling like you can share your downs and your ups. That's what makes a relationship fulfilling and meaningful when you can comfort each other.

Or is it because he doesn't know how to comfort with words and is better with using touch? I don't know... Literally when I last told him about my issues with my dad he just shrugged his shoulders. And I'm not a negative person, so it's not like I'm always being sad about something.

[sweetshay]

I do agree that being able to seek comfort from an SO would be ideal but some people are just really bad at the whole sympathy/consoling thing. He may be worried that he could say the wrong thing or something. Maybe you can confide in a friend instead, someone who is better at these types of situations. I would hope that it's just a part of your SO's personality and not that he doesn't care - maybe he just doesn't know what to say to help. Have you told him how you feel about not being able to have better conversations about your issues? Does he talk about his issues much with you?

[differentcountries]

I think you need to talk to him about the whole process of how you share stuff. I have done this many times with my SO. He used to not want me to share and not share much, but gradually I have made him open up to my experience. I have even fought with him over how alone and left out I felt when he didn't share, he was trying to spare me bad news but I told him to bring it on! I have told him that I don't expect him to solve my problems and that all I want is him listening and a hug (or him saying he wishes he could hug me over the distance). Now he shares things right away, too, and is released of the burden of keeping secrets. Works better for both of us.

[Ella85]

I think it's important you talk to him about it. My boyfriend is one of the few people in life I have decided to trust. If I couldn't tell him about my worries and stresses that'd be bad. I don't tend to discuss how I feel about us in general because I like to really think about how things actually are vs what I think in my head. Thats how I deal with stuff. Often I will miss read things and I realize later usually a few hours sometimes a day or two, that I have miss read everything. This is with anyone not just my boyfriend. So if there is an actual problem it'll take me a few days of thinking and assessing it before I can say anything.

I like that my boyfriend comes to me if he has a problem. He doesn't bring up all the small stuff (I don't either) but anything big we talk about. I really think you need to sit down and have a chat with him about how it makes you feel, as it is obviously really bothering you and if it's bothering you it isn't just going to go away, it may end up getting worse if you don't address it.

[Kapwned]

Some people are just awkward when it comes to comforting and consoling a loved one who is going through a hard time. My boyfriend is typically the same unless he knows for sure that I am really hurt. Otherwise he just says "That sucks", "Lame", or "Try to not let it get to you." But I know he cares and he doesn't want me to feel hurt. Society has shaped men to be less touchy feely, so it's common to find guys who are like that, and when we're feeling stressed and emotional it may be a little out of their realm.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

You are right that it could possibly be your relationship. Now I am not saying that it definitely is by any means, but some people just aren't good at supporting one another and that is perfectly okay! The reason why I say this is because I felt the exact same way you do about my ex. I was having a rough time for a while and would go to him for support. He would get cold with me and wasn't sure how to handle it. In the end, he broke up with me because he said that I was too negative all the time and that he didn't want to hear about my problems. Fast forward to my current SO and I literally tell him EVERYTHING. I was really concerned with sharing too much and being negative in the beginning of our relationship. I flat out asked him if I was being to negative and bothering him with my problems and he was very confused as to why I would think that because A) I wasn't always negative like my ex believed and B) we are in a relationship and you're supposed to be able to share those things. What I learned is that some people just can't handle who I am and how I handle my stress (which is by talking about the things that are bothering me so that I can let them go), but that there are other people who feel no burden in listening.

[whatruckus]

My SO is bad at this as well. I've talked to him about it before, but it seems he just genuinely doesn't know what to say, or what to do. He even does this with his friends and his siblings, so I don't feel too bad about it anymore. At least he actually responds to let me know he was reading/listening. If I'm crying, he shows more empathy. Especially if we're physically together, he'll either wipe my tears and/or hug me/hold me. So, I think it depends on the situation as well. It could just be your SO and your relationship, but like others have said, sometimes people genuinely don't know what to do in those types of situations. I have a friend who's like that sometimes, she'll give me advice when she can, but she'll be completely honestly with me and tell me that she doesn't know what to say, but she is listening.

There are times when I'm ranting/venting to my SO and during our talks after the fact, he's admitted that it was because it annoyed him. Not in the sense like, "Shut up about this already", but in the sense that since we grew up in very different settings (I come from a middle to upper-middle class family, and he was poor and lived on the streets for a few years when he was younger), sometimes he thinks I should just shut up and be grateful. But, he also tells me that he really does try to understand and tries not to hold it against me.

Have you talked to your SO about this?

[Polly]

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet. He does care about me and listens to me when I need to talk, but isn't good with "serious" talks. He can't take things seriously.
He has a way of trying to joke about serious stuff to make me feel better. But it doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel like he's not taking me seriously and makes me just want to drop the subject.

Like I once told him something really dark and depressing about something that happened in my family and he made an insensitive and offensive joke about it that wasn't funny at all. I didn't say anything, but I should have. He had not much to say, like "oh that's horrible" or those kinds of words. Just cracked a immature, totally not funny joke.

[Miasmata]

He definitely needs to know when he hurts your feelings or gets inappropriate. Different people deal with depressing stuff differently, but he has to understand that his way doesn't work for you, and isn't appropriate. If you don't feel like you can have serious discussions with him, that's a big problem.

[sweetshay]

Hmm it almost seems like a dead end to talk to him about this since he's not good with serious conversations... also seems like he just straight up lacks empathy & sympathy? But I still think you should give it a try, ask why he's insensitive to serious conversations and why he makes jokes about things that clearly affected you. Even tell him that being able to confide in him is something that's really important to you in a relationship and that it hurts that you can't do these things with him. Maybe also try to do some digging on if he really ever was the type be a good person to talk to, do you know any of his friends you could ask?

[snow]

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet. He does care about me and listens to me when I need to talk, but isn't good with "serious" talks. He can't take things seriously.
He has a way of trying to joke about serious stuff to make me feel better. But it doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel like he's not taking me seriously and makes me just want to drop the subject.

Like I once told him something really dark and depressing about something that happened in my family and he made an insensitive and offensive joke about it that wasn't funny at all. I didn't say anything, but I should have. He had not much to say, like "oh that's horrible" or those kinds of words. Just cracked a immature, totally not funny joke.

Next time this happens, you have to speak up.
At the beginning of our relationship I tolerated jokes that hurt me and when I then confronted him about it the next time I had enough, he didn't understand where this came from, because I tolerated them and now they're suddenly bothering me. Definitely tell him that you need him to listen to you and not crack jokes right now, because you are really upset. Sometimes I have to tell my husband, even now, that I don't want to play around, I want to have a serious conversation and once he hears that, he knows there is no time for jokes and he needs to listen.

I don't think it's your relationship as much as it is your lines haven't been discussed and that's something that will pop up every once in a while forever. He will cross a line or you will and then you talk about it so it won't happen again.

[differentcountries]

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet. He does care about me and listens to me when I need to talk, but isn't good with "serious" talks. He can't take things seriously.
He has a way of trying to joke about serious stuff to make me feel better. But it doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel like he's not taking me seriously and makes me just want to drop the subject.

Like I once told him something really dark and depressing about something that happened in my family and he made an insensitive and offensive joke about it that wasn't funny at all. I didn't say anything, but I should have. He had not much to say, like "oh that's horrible" or those kinds of words. Just cracked a immature, totally not funny joke.

My boyfriend used to be the same and often still is. It can be a good quality. It is important to be able to ease up and find joy. But it is also important to be able to share and take things seriously. I had a couple of talks with SO about it. I have been very upset with him especially laughing when I say something serious. I have been honest and upfront about how that makes me feel. And he has really gotten better at it. But I had to help him.

I can understand his reactions, his dad died when he was a teenager and then he moved out of the house to work. There has been no room in his life to sit down and mourn. But now there is, and I help him how to do that without loosing oneself, and afterwords we can talk about other things and laugh.

[Kapwned]

Always make sure to tell people when they do something that offends you or hurts your feelings, especially insensitive jokes toward something serious to you. He may not realize how you're taking these jokes and doesn't intend on hurting you. I actually flipped out on my boss the other day because she likes to crack jokes about me being the type of person who would lash out violently when mad. This isn't funny to me because I was a victim of abuse and I grew up around people who would act out violently when mad.

Don't let it get to that point. But also don't treat them like they say and do these things maliciously. Sometimes they are just genuinely unaware.

[whatruckus]

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend yet. He does care about me and listens to me when I need to talk, but isn't good with "serious" talks. He can't take things seriously.
He has a way of trying to joke about serious stuff to make me feel better. But it doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel like he's not taking me seriously and makes me just want to drop the subject.

Like I once told him something really dark and depressing about something that happened in my family and he made an insensitive and offensive joke about it that wasn't funny at all. I didn't say anything, but I should have. He had not much to say, like "oh that's horrible" or those kinds of words. Just cracked a immature, totally not funny joke.

Okay, well this changes things. It seems like he's immature and doesn't understand empathy. Not to be rude, but narcissists and sociopaths tend to react this way. If my SO ever did that to me, he would get an earful right off the bat.

There is a difference between making jokes to cheer someone up and being a straight-up asshole.

[Polly]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I think my SO tends to not ever be serious when I'm clearly wanting to confide something serious, because he wants to lighten the mood. I would be OK if it was sometimes like that but it's always like that. It definitely makes me feel that our relationship lacks emotional intimacy when I'm not being taken seriously about stuff that bothers me.

The one time he cracked an insensitive joke I should have said something. I guess I didn't because he ia sweet to me in other ways, but if I need to confide emotional issues I'm better off going to a close friend or my sister.

My boyfriend doesn't take criticism very well, he automatically feels like he can't do anything right even if I point out one thing, and I almost never criticize him for anything.

I will bring it up soon I think. On top of being long distance, this is an added stress on how I feel about the relationship.