Feeling alone and not sure if it's the LD or the relationship

[whatruckus]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I think my SO tends to not ever be serious when I'm clearly wanting to confide something serious, because he wants to lighten the mood. I would be OK if it was sometimes like that but it's always like that. It definitely makes me feel that our relationship lacks emotional intimacy when I'm not being taken seriously about stuff that bothers me.

The one time he cracked an insensitive joke I should have said something. I guess I didn't because he ia sweet to me in other ways, but if I need to confide emotional issues I'm better off going to a close friend or my sister.

My boyfriend doesn't take criticism very well, he automatically feels like he can't do anything right even if I point out one thing, and I almost never criticize him for anything.

I will bring it up soon I think. On top of being long distance, this is an added stress on how I feel about the relationship.

Okay, but just be careful though. My ex made me feel bad every time I brought up something insensitive he did and he would play the whole, "Well, I guess I can't do anything right for you. " card all the time. It was just an act to get me accept him being an asshole to me.

But, there are people who really can't take criticism and genuinely react this way.

[Polly]

Okay, but just be careful though. My ex made me feel bad every time I brought up something insensitive he did and he would play the whole, "Well, I guess I can't do anything right for you. " card all the time. It was just an act to get me accept him being an asshole to me.

But, there are people who really can't take criticism and genuinely react this way.

My boyfriend reacts kind of like this too. He's said things in response to criticism like, "now I feel like I always have to be careful what I say to you" , as if I'm being too sensitive or something. Like there's something wrong with me.

Being careful about what you say is the same as being considerate, in my opinion, so I find it weird he feels it's some kind of burden to be considerate about what he says.

I just feel really unsatisfied and like there's someone out there who would be emotionally more compatible with me.

I want to make this work so I guess I'll have to have a serious talk with him. Not looking forward to it. I kind of want to avoid talking to him right now.

[differentcountries]

My experience With People who are sensitive like that, is that they really want confirmation that they are loved and needed.

I have struggled With this with both my boys at times. N has NEVER been in a relationship where he was expected to work on himself - he and his ex just generally had a good time until he was fed up and left. So in order for me to critizing him, I have to establish a great Level of trust. We do have that and he does feel loved, however at times when he is stressed, "the girlfriend nagging" can feel like another nail in the coffin. I had that With husband, too, we just moved (With all the stuff we used 35-37 years to gather) and it was superhard and we both got a little nasty With each other. Life is sometimes not so rosy. But if you love, there might be a way.

It is not always easy, but what usually works for us is:
- I give them lots of compliments - and mean it when I say it
- I stress that we are a team
- I stress that I am not done the blame game), what happens I share how I feel and am looking at things that are currently not working so well for one or both of us so that we can find solution

[Miasmata]

You should definitely have that talk with him. I totally understand being sensitive and not wanting to feel like a failure, but if he wants to have a healthy relationship like an adult, he'll really need to work on that. Taking criticism is important, both in the job world and in a serious relationship, and making the effort to be considerate should be natural when it comes to someone you love. I honestly don't feel good about this when you say that he's making you feel like it's a burden on him, and that he acts so immature and makes you feel like the culprit. That's all very immature behaviour, and doesn't show that he has respect for you and your needs. It's absolutely not going to be fun, but you shouldn't have to feel like your emotions are less important than his, so please, talk to him about this.

[CapnNotSoObvious]

Communicate. My ex's biggest flaw IMO was her communication. Her excuse would be she felt like she was walking on egg shells. My response would always be what do you expect when it's an admission of something from your past? Communication... think of what you say before you say it. With an LDR, words have power. Trust me. My words pushed my LDR away causing her to dump me.

[hmrambling]

In addition to opening up communication about how I feel about when he doesn't empathize when I talk about serious issues, I would be asking myself if he is really emotionally available to me. If he is not emotionally available to me, then he isn't available. My boundaries say that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available to me.

It may be time to discuss what you need from him when you discuss serious matters. "When I bring up something serious, I need you to listen and be respectful toward how I feel." If he is unwilling to honor your request, he might be emotionally unavailable.

When I talk to people about serious issues, I communicate what I need from them. If I need them to listen, I say so. If I want their input, I say so. If I want their feedback, I say so. This approach might help you, too.

[snow]

Be careful. To me, it sounds like your SO is manipulative. He doesn't want to have to deal with your issues, so he is incredibly insensitive about it and it works! You said yourself that you will probably go to a friend or a family member instead of him, so all he gets is the happy you that has no problems and all the problems get moved on to someone else, so he doesn't have to deal with them. This is definitely something you have to address, because if this continues, you will have to give up more and more things that he will not like to deal with and push them onto someone else.

[whatruckus]

My boyfriend reacts kind of like this too. He's said things in response to criticism like, "now I feel like I always have to be careful what I say to you" , as if I'm being too sensitive or something. Like there's something wrong with me.

Being careful about what you say is the same as being considerate, in my opinion, so I find it weird he feels it's some kind of burden to be considerate about what he says.

I just feel really unsatisfied and like there's someone out there who would be emotionally more compatible with me.

I want to make this work so I guess I'll have to have a serious talk with him. Not looking forward to it. I kind of want to avoid talking to him right now.

Uh, that's the same crap my ex would spew at me, but he always said it in a negative and condescending way. Like I said, be careful. Only you know your SO best, but the more you tell me, the more he seems like my ex with the attitude and snotty remarks.

FYI, him doing that made me feel bad about myself all the time, like I did everything wrong and that I was being a bitch.

[sweetshay]

I think there's a time and place for jokes and if he can't differentiate that now, however old he is, that's not a good thing. If there are red flags about whether someone is right for you, don't ignore them. Trust your intuition. You seem to be on two different levels of maturity and that can definitely put a strain on a relationship. But his issue might not be something that'll change overnight :l. Be prepared to work through it with him, also be prepared to remind him more than once of what you need as far as sensitivity goes.

[Polly]

So the last time I talked to my boyfriend during our weekly scheduled call, I brought up a family issue that's been stressing me out, just to see if he would actually listen. I really emphasized why and how it stressed me to make it clear to him I was sharing it with him as more than just a topic of conversation but because it was affecting me.

He didn't say much, but listened better than normal. Then he cracked a joke that he found so hilarious. I didn't find it funny, not because it was insensitive, it wasn't, but because I wasn't in the mood to be light hearted.

And the timing was terrible because I was still talking about what I was dealing with, but he was in this moment where he was laughing at his own joke, and I had to wait for him to stop laughing so I could continue with what I was saying.

It turned from me talking about my feelings about a difficult situation to suddenly him turning my situation into a joke. I think he does this to make me feel better to lighten my mood, but I find it weird.
The joke totally derailed the mood, and I didn't feel like talking about it anymore. Whatever his intentions were, it made me feel like he wasn't taking my problems seriously.

I didn't say it, because I find it so hard to criticize. I hate hurting people's feelings.

So, yeah, still haven't said anything. Also, a part of me feels that maybe I do need to lighten up, but sometimes I need to express sadness or frustration. When my SO is sad, he hates talking about it. I'm the opposite.

[Polly]

Be careful. To me, it sounds like your SO is manipulative. He doesn't want to have to deal with your issues, so he is incredibly insensitive about it and it works! You said yourself that you will probably go to a friend or a family member instead of him, so all he gets is the happy you that has no problems and all the problems get moved on to someone else, so he doesn't have to deal with them. This is definitely something you have to address, because if this continues, you will have to give up more and more things that he will not like to deal with and push them onto someone else.

He's told me that he wants to know if he does things that are inconsiderate, and then when I have said something, he says things like "I'm not perfect, I won't always say the right thing"

He doesn't deal with sadness well. Prefers not to talk about anything sad. When he's stressed he doesn't like talking about it, so I think when I need to talk about something that's sad or stresses me out he is emotionally not there because he doesn't deal with his own emotions.

It makes me feel we mostly talk about superficial stuff. I then have to talk to my sister or friends about that stuff that I'm dealing with.

[Miasmata]

Not being able to have an honest, serious discussion with your SO like that is at least worrisome. Your SO should be an important part of your support network, not someone you have to work around.

[R&R]

Not being able to have an honest, serious discussion with your SO like that is at least worrisome. Your SO should be an important part of your support network, not someone you have to work around.

Exactly this. If you were teenagers, I'd understand a little more as you'd just be more in the learning stages of this. In your 30's, a person should be able to have this type of discussion without getting all hurt/wounded about it.

I may not like what my SO has to say sometimes and I know he doesn't always like what I have to say. However, we say it and discuss it because that's how we make our relationship better. It's not about changing the person but letting them know what bothers you and working together to figure out other ways to handle things.

[whatruckus]

I'm just going to be blunt and honest because I don't think you really see this, because you're so involved in your relationship:

He is a narcissistic asshole. He doesn't care if he hurts your feelings. He cracks jokes that are extremely insensitive and he doesn't empathize with you. He doesn't care. Period. He tells you to tell him when he's being inconsiderate, you do, and then he guilt trips you about it. He can't see when he's wrong, nor does he want to believe it. If you feel like you can't talk to your SO about important things, and he can't at least say to you "I'm sorry" to try and show you that he cares, even if he doesn't, that's a big deal. It shows he doesn't care if he makes you happy. He can't even give you a little white lie so you feel better. He makes jokes.

Stop thinking he's just trying to "lighten the mood", because he's not. He doesn't know how to empathize, or he just doesn't care (but, probably both). Most of the time people crack jokes to try and lighten the mood, and then notice that it doesn't work, they shut their mouth and apologize. He doesn't. To me, it just looks as though he cracks jokes to try and change the subject because he doesn't want to hear about it anymore, or he's trying to make you feel bad by trying to talk about something serious. Now, because every time he does it and you drop the subject, he knows this is a way for you to do just that. When he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, or listen, he'll just make a joke, an insensitive one at that, to get you to shut up.

Stop making excuses for his shitty behavior. He's a douche bag. If you have to remind him multiple times that he's being an asshole, it's because he just is one and he can't, and won't, change it. If he hasn't done it by now, he never will. Believe me.