How about your experiences in a LDR?

[Lisa25]

Hi everbody,

I have already posted a similar post in the "introductions" section and since a small discussion enrolled, I felt encouraged to post this again here in this area - hope that's okay. Well, my name is Lisa, I'm 25 years old and I just finished my studies in social work and education at a German University. I just started my PhD project and registered here because I have the feeling that this forum has a lot to do with the questions I am interested in. Allthough I first will have to disappoint you since I don't have a personal LDR story to share (been in a local relationship since 6 years), I'd love to listen to people or read their stories to get an impression what experiences you share. But let me first tell you what it's all about:

My study focusses on social relationships that spread across geographical distances. Those who are geographically the nearest around don’t have to be the dearest anymore. It could be possible that these transformations of the local social surroundings have effects on the relationships a person is involved with. Sometimes this happens by choice, sometimes due to labour markets, sometimes it’s forced or it just happens by chance...there are a lot of "reasons".
I'd say that LDRs might not be the "norm" yet but more and more people are facing LDRs, be it that they get to know each "out of the distance" or be it that their relationship changes into distance...So what I would like to find out is how people deal with these issues and how they experience the everyday life of their partnerships if there is a lack of physical presence or something in between. What is set relevant that one might usually take for granted within a relationship when you have to deal with a distance? How about the qualities of corporeal presence or a lack of that? What happens when you skype...how about the material qualities of relationships? The list goes on and on...

The study is going to be qualitative and empirical. It’s built upon peoples „expertise“ being or having been in a LDR. I don't want to research ON people in LDRs but want to build the whole study from their perspective, talking to people who are really living within a LDR. It's about their feelings, experiences, corporeality, every day life as experts in that field.I’d like to step into a dialogue with people and listen to their stories. This involves meeting you, talking to you or - if you feel good to do so - having an interview. If possible and granted that you feel good about doing so, I could also accompany you a short way within the everyday of your relationships to get an impression how you communicate, meet and interact. It depends on you. It goes without saying that all the data will be anonymized and kept safe and that I will ask for everybodys' permission first.

Since traveling expenses are refunded, geographical distances seem quite conquerable for me, I could stop over There is no special focus concerning nationalities, countries and types of LDRs. I would love to hear from you! Feel free to write me a private message or contact me via the information on the website of my research training group. I am not allowed yet to post links, but if you google "transsos" and uni mainz, you should get to the website of my research training group. You'll find my contact details at the PhD Programm Section > Members > PhD Students...

I have also asked Michelle for her permission to post this here twice but haven't received an answer yet. Since time is passing by and encouraged by the introductory topic, I felt that I should go for it and post it. Hope, I don't overrun anybody here...

Thanks a lot and best wishes
Lisa

[Kapwned]

I can imagine people being reluctant to let someone follow them around on their daily routine while in a LDR. I also wouldn't recommend it as LDRs aren't a lifestyle. Our lives are like most others, it just changes when it comes to how we spend time with our SOs. In order to stay true to the theme, why not offer stuff such as Skype calls or online chats as an alternative? Also, might I suggest forms basically explaining what information you will and will not give out and them giving you permission on what you can and can't use. I am an advocate for exposing how normal LDRs can be, but I am not too keen on inviting someone into my daily life. I am totally willing to share it in words though.

[R&R]

Quite honestly, the answers to all of your questions can be found throughout the threads here. There are hundreds to choose from and you will get all sorts of different perspectives.

Kapwned has it exactly right - it's not a lifestyle. Our daily lives are the same as everyone else: we have jobs, we have families, we spend time with friends, we go to school, etc. The biggest difference between someone in an LDR and someone CD is how much physical time you spend together and you have to work on how to close the distance.

I've stated it before on a previous thread - LDR's have only become this big phenomenon since the internet. People did it a lot before. People went off to separate colleges and survived on phone calls, letters, and some visits. When someone enlisted in the military and were gone, same thing. There was no internet, Skype, cell phones, etc. It wasn't seen as some big deal like it's made out to be today - it was just life. Honestly, I wish it could still be seen this way instead of something odd or something that needs to be studied.

[JaneEmily]

Quite honestly, the answers to all of your questions can be found throughout the threads here. There are hundreds to choose from and you will get all sorts of different perspectives.

Kapwned has it exactly right - it's not a lifestyle. Our daily lives are the same as everyone else: we have jobs, we have families, we spend time with friends, we go to school, etc. The biggest difference between someone in an LDR and someone CD is how much physical time you spend together and you have to work on how to close the distance.

I've stated it before on a previous thread - LDR's have only become this big phenomenon since the internet. People did it a lot before. People went off to separate colleges and survived on phone calls, letters, and some visits. When someone enlisted in the military and were gone, same thing. There was no internet, Skype, cell phones, etc. It wasn't seen as some big deal like it's made out to be today - it was just life. Honestly, I wish it could still be seen this way instead of something odd or something that needs to be studied.

Agreed. Heck, people have had LDRs for centuries even (without all the technology) - especially when it comes to wars and when men trotted off on their horses and their families/spouses being clueless as to if they'll even hear from them ever again. It happens, you either get through it or you don't. Life doesn't stop just because of some distance. You find ways to cope with it, to make it easier. Technology has just helped a ton with the communication process and not having to wait weeks or even months for a message back.

[Kapwned]

Quite honestly, the answers to all of your questions can be found throughout the threads here. There are hundreds to choose from and you will get all sorts of different perspectives.

Kapwned has it exactly right - it's not a lifestyle. Our daily lives are the same as everyone else: we have jobs, we have families, we spend time with friends, we go to school, etc. The biggest difference between someone in an LDR and someone CD is how much physical time you spend together and you have to work on how to close the distance.

I've stated it before on a previous thread - LDR's have only become this big phenomenon since the internet. People did it a lot before. People went off to separate colleges and survived on phone calls, letters, and some visits. When someone enlisted in the military and were gone, same thing. There was no internet, Skype, cell phones, etc. It wasn't seen as some big deal like it's made out to be today - it was just life. Honestly, I wish it could still be seen this way instead of something odd or something that needs to be studied.

I think it's the stranger danger feeling that people have attached to the internet. I remember when I was younger my dad told me "You may think they're your friends and you might even fall in love with them but you don't really know them or who could really be on the other end."

And I remember when I was in a LDR with a guy from Canada. One border patrol officer gave me a hard time because it was my first visit and she claimed I didn't really know him simply because I had never met him in person and I had never extensively googled him. But I had him as a friend on Facebook, his profile seemed legit with family members added and everything, and we Skyped, both voice and video chat. I was confident he was who he said he was but that wasn't enough for her.

As I've said in other threads, a lot of people don't use the term LDR, they use internet boyfriend/girlfriend, which to mean is really demeaning. If a couple met in person first and then one goes off on deployment for the military and their SO stays patient and true, it's admirable. But if you met online... then that's another story.

[Miasmata]

I definitely understand that additionally to what you can read here, you'd like to talk to people more directly. Since I'm in Germany, I would be fine with that under the condition that you can tell me more about your study and what you have in mind for interviews.

[differentcountries]

If you are prepared to travel to Norway or Turkey, I can meet you too.

This is her project, it seems: https://transsos.com/phd-program/mem...echt-lisa.html

[80anthea]

If you don't mind babysitting, cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping you can come and stay with me in England. I could do with an extra pair of hands!

[Lisa25]

Dear all,

first of all thanks for reading all this and for your criticism!

Well, it seems like I have to clarify some points...

I get the feeling that some of you think that I am positionning LDRs or people in LDRs as different to a norm. Well, of course, it is true that you whenever you're doing social research you kind of objectify the phenomenon you are after and the people entangled with that. I am trying to minimize this as much as I can which is exactly the reason why I want to speak with you, and not just talk about you.

I understand that it seems quite odd to enter this community here as a "stranger" who wants to get to know something that she hasn't experienced for herself and along these lines has no own story to offer. But well, I just want to get a sensitivity for the subject I am working on...this can be achieved through reading a whole lot of texts and books but why not step out into the world and talk to people, learn from them, let them speak for themselves?

And as I mentionned in the first post, stepping into dialogue should work the way you prefer it: " if you feel good to do so - having an interview" could be a possibility. I was just opening up possibilities. Be it on Skype, be it face-to-face and me travelling physically to where you are located or be it that I get an insight of an everyday scenario within your relationship...I just said that I am quite flexible and I stick to what you prefer - granted the fact that you are interested at all and would like to participate.

I wanted to built the whole thing on the basis of your experience, getting to know your point of view. In my first post, I just had to start from a perspective and I chose a "historical" one saying that for a quite long time, in social research, the face to face interaction had a hegemonic position when it came to analyzing social relationships. JaneEmily, Kapwned and R&R, you're absolutely right that LDRs are not a new phenomenon, I'd say it has existed parrallel to people migrating for many many different reasons which means: for a veeery long time...But I am not after the question whether LDRs are a new phenomenon or not, or whether they are "normal" or not. They just exist as a facet of interhuman relationships.

What I would like to research on is the concurrency of physical absence and presence which I find is crucial to a LDR.
As you say, JaneEmily and R&R: "The biggest difference between someone in an LDR and someone CD is how much physical time you spend together and you have to work on how to close the distance." I am exactly interested in that point because physical presence seems so self evident in our everyday lifes nobody thinks about it..I am interested in the qualities of physical togetherness and also the physical, corporeal qualities of being apart, how does that reflect on a corporeal level? Physical presence seems to be something that seems to happen so naturally, yeah, we have a body and we are located somewhere...BUT: What happens when the framework changes. I'd say distance is work, you have to manage it, find your ways that you feel comfortable with. I mean this forum can be seen as a way to talk about all that and exchange experiences, supporting each other. Just as a hypothesis...And that's the point where I have to speak and meet the people because no theory can answer this question.

[differentcountries]

If your want to do it cheap and easy, most people here are on Skype and could easily add you to their Skype acconts for interviews.

You can also ask member for permission to use material you find in threads (if you quote, please ask individually each poster if they are ok being quoted, unless they posted as Secret).

There are debates her on how to manage ther "corporal level" - or how to sleep alone/without our SO parther, and live without hugs and physical sex for longer periods than we want to. Or even how to cope when you miss the smell of your partner. Or even miss the pysical presence of your common dog or cat. The corporal level is also holding hands, kissing, sharing meals together, going for walks, hearing your partner breathing or sleeping (or your cat purring). It can be the rush of a fast bicycle ride or the loops in an amusement park. It can be touching or being near your SO's family and friends, or physically emerge in the environment, like the heat or cold where they live that is different from your home town. It can be how Skype, texts, apps, phone calls, letters, gifts or items left behind stand proxy for your loved one's arms and their kiss behind your ear.

[differentcountries]

Hi everyone,

now I talked to Lisa on Skype

I can testify that she is a nice woman that is genuinly interested in hearing about long distance relationships and how they work out for us.

[Miasmata]

Well, if you are still interested, we could gladly meet up some time, Lisa. I'm not keen on having someone follow me around all day (and I've already closed the distance, anyway) but my SO and me would be happy to be interviewed.