Uncertainty About the Future

[Chi1991]

Hello!

I came across this site because of my over abundant Google searches trying to find an answer/outside perspective on uncertainty about the future in a LDR.

Preface: met a guy back in mid September and have been considered in a relationship since November 14th. It's his second relationship. He lives in DC and I live in Chicago. It's been great; taking trips together to NY, CA, MI, you name it. I've been introduced to all of his friends while visiting DC and it continues to grow. He's met my family once and will be taking a trip home with me for my sister's wedding this month. Every one of my friends love him, as well as my family. He makes an effort to see me on a regular basis. Our ability to crack jokes, be content with silence, have extended weeks together without going crazy, etc. has been nothing short of amazing. Short and simple: he's a great guy and we get along great.

The only issue here is two things: 1. He hasn't said the three lovely words yet (see what I did there?) and there is not future in sight as of yet to close the distance. I told him I love him 4-months into the relationship, and we're approaching 7. I get it, everyone has a different definition of love. Secondly, we had a talk about a time we think we can close the distance. We talked just fine, but he thinks it's too soon to talk about because of where we're at in life. He mentioned how we move at different paces (he likes to take things very slow and I think I progress at a natural pace?) and that it adds unneccesary pressure right now to think 1.5, 2, etc. years ahead. All in all, taking things as they progress. It was a bit of a bump in the road for me, as I think it's healthy to have some sort of road to follow. I haven't noticed any changes in behavior, but sometimes it does cross my mind whether he has some sort of fear to tackle this right now...which I know would stem from "it being too soon".

These two points have been the only issue in our soon to be 7-month relationship. It's causing some overthinking on my end, but I know everyone is different. Am I looking at this too fast/overthinking?

Thank you,
Chi1991

[differentcountries]

I think it is too soon to talk seriously about closing the distance. We only did, somewhat, on our one year aniversary. And then again after he got a sort of job offer. It takes time to plan, yes, but also to mentally process.

The future being somewhat uncertain is part of life. Make friends with the feeling...

[Miasmata]

Instead of making your relationship all about the goals and having to push forward, why don't you make it about the relationship itself? I think if LDRs are focused on nothing but closing the distance, it's far too easy to lose sight of each other and actually getting to know your loved one, having good times together, growing, all that stuff. I don't blame you for wanting to have some kind of finish line in sight, but don't make that everything your relationship is about. Allow yourself to actually enjoy the way you are together now.

[whatruckus]

I think you may be rushing it. My SO and I briefly talked about closing the distance a few months into our relationship. I'm like you, I like knowing things. But, my SO isn't. He's, in a way, like yours. He kept flip flopping back and forth about us living together. Now, after almost 2 1/2 years, he's actually extremely serious about it, and serious about our relationship. It even took him this long to tell me he does think about us getting married.

Being that this is your SO's second relationship, I can see why he would want to take it slow. Some people need to feel "sure". Perhaps, he wants to get to know you even better, before discussing such a big move. After I'd seen my SO's city, and been in it so much, I fell in love with it. And, I feel even if we didn't work out, I would still move there. I've even told him that no matter what, I'm still moving there.

I understand your concerns about wanting to know where the direction of your relationship will go, but sometimes you just have to let it happen. Even if you plan, it doesn't always work out the way you want it to.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

While I agree with the other posts, I think it's also important to remember that in long distance relationships someone always has to move (if not both of you). While we were young, still in school, not together for very long ,and very not ready to make anything "permanent" when we had to make the choice to stay together LD or break up, the closing the distance was definitely a factor. One of us had to be willing to move and if neither of us were then it wasn't worth it to continue a relationship. With that being said, we still don't have any serious plans to close the distance yet ~1.5 years after going LD. The point is that it is perfectly okay and sometimes very necessary to talk generically about closing the distance without making any serious plans. I do think it's important to have a general idea of what will happen in the future though even if that is without a timeline.

[differentcountries]

I tend to disagree at bit on the "somebody has to move"-point.

Probably someone has to move yes, but that is only part of the picture. We made a point to NOT discuss the obvious choise, namely him moving here (although I love his country, it is politically unstable and worker's rights are not that great). I was very weary not to come off as "ordering" him to move to me. I still don't. I was the one who started learning his language, I have used all available time and money to visit him because... even if we should end up with him moving to me, we can never really close the distance. We will always have that bond, and those commitments towards his friends and relatives. I want us to continue travelling as much as we can afford to and have time for. We actually discussed buying a house in Turkey before discussing why him moving to me might be the best option...We both love his work town so much, and buying in his home town might be a bit superflous as the family is just adding to the already big house to accomodate for future generations. I think to him...he might consider moving to me BECAUSE I fully realize how hard that is going to be, I put myself in his future shoes by playing the village idiot in his country (not only can I not speak proper Turkish yet, but people speak in dialects and slang, not "high" Turkish, which makes it hard to follow).

I always had the idea that what is going to be useful in the short term is also useful in the long term. So, when he is about to learn my language it is not "you have to learn my language because next year you are moving", it is more "if you learn my language there will be more options for us to communicate and for you with work". So, not everything is a direct means towards an end, sometimes it is also just starting something and see where it takes you.

I have some very, very loose plans on how I may somehow work in his country some day, but that depends on how my language skills go and so far I am still at beginner's level. Anyway I take the view that no matter how things go, learning a language is always useful.

My take is more "both parties have to change". It is not as easy as that if he moves to you, then you have your life + him. it is going to change everything. How will he makes friends? What will he do for a living? How will your common social life look like? What will he need to thrive? Can you cook his fav dishes from home? There are so many, many questions and you need time to come to terms with them and answer them. You can always just move and find out, but I'd rather know what possably I am going for.

[Kapwned]

Wanting to close the distance is a perfectly acceptable expectation in a LDR, and it isn't something that hurts to bring up even if you aren't to that point. But also accept that you might not come up with the answers right away. You need some sort of idea of where it might be going. This was never an issue for me as I don't want to stay where I currently live, so it was always settled pretty easily - I'd go to him.

7 months is a bit soon but I'm not one to talk, I've been in my relationship for that long. But we had a serious discussion before I up and decided and I gave him months to think on it and change his mind. When it comes to fight or flight I fight for my relationships. And he takes his relatonships seriously as well, we're both at that age and point where we want someone who we can simply share life with, and the town he lives in so happens to be my most ideal town to live in. I needed a place to finish college as well. It's like it all just fell into place.

But otherwise I'd have never gone through with it and I do advise that you wait. I guess all you could really ask of him is "As far as you know, would you want to close the distance one day?" If yes, then you know he's at least put that much thought into it.

[Ella85]

The time is right to discuss it when you both feel comfortable. We have discussed it a little but said we'd discuss in detail over the summer as that's how we feel comfortable doing it. It's a joint decision and something that takes a lot of thought and planning.

[Gayle1462]

I completely feel for you I'm the same way... I just want him to say maybe in a year or so you could move closer. I 'm a person that has to have everything planned out. So this wait and see is so hard...... but I'm trying to learn to enjoy what we have now because when I go it great and I don't know if I would move now if we would be able to enjoy learning about each other we would be thrown into life.