Pushing to hard

[Gayle1462]

I have been in a LDR with my BF for 7 months. He very stressed out. Has 3 children full time. ( mothers not in the Picture). New boss, and just running with his kids. well he not a phone person so we text every day. The last couple of days his text have been less and less, I know he's very busy with everything so I tried to back off. Yesterday I text him like I do every morning and he responded like he does and lets me know what his day will be like. So later that day I text him to check on his like I always do and a cute text well I though it was cute. " I been thinking about you today Really good Thoughts and they all haven't been rated PG" well he did not respond so no big deal this was about 1:00 pm so about 6:30 I sent another text "good day Babe" still no response so about 8:00 pm sent a text "Did I do something to upset you" Well around midnight I get a text from Him " Why do you think that? I was with my son watching World Cup/college baseball/ Braves, enjoying our night with out the girls. Phone plugged in upstairs. Told you I spent 18 years trying to keep form pissing someone off and will never make that mistake again. I can't worry about stuff like that." so I text him back "Hey I'm not pissed at you I don't think I could ever get mad at you. Your a great amazing guy. To me your close to perfect." so this morning I text him like I always "good morning Babe have a wonderful day" he text back "Morning and told me what he was going to do today. So it 3:00 I haven't text him any more and he has text me at all today. So what should I do. It so hard when you not around them everyday and can fix something silly. I don't know if should just act like nothing happen and just wait for him to text me. I don't what to push him away and I don't want to play any kind a games. He is a very special person I really want a future with.

[snow_girl]

You know he is busy, so give him a break about the texts. Just cause you don't hear doesn't mean he is upset with you. Honestly if someone text me that, I would then be upset because it comes off as insecure and needy. Its true what he says, he shouldn't have to worry that not texting right away when he is busy is going to get you in a fuss. You say you don't want to play games, but you're the one playing them. Relax a little and instead of texting him read a book or something. He won't forget about you if he doesn't get texts from you all the time

[Gayle1462]

You are so right I never though about it that way. Thank you so much for your input. It so nice to have someone to point things out.

[differentcountries]

This was exatly the kind of stuff that drove me up the wall with my ex. She too would make weird accusations if she did not hear from me, which was very confusing. You know the life he has, even if you want his attention more than you get, you can't force his hand if he is busy or tired.

First you send several texts even though he did not answer the first one. Then you respond in anger, like just because of postphoning/not answering you is somehow a huge statement in itself. I would agree it was had he not responded for days on end, but you acting like this during the day is simply something you need to stop because if not soon he will feel he can't breathe.

I can also get attention-craving with my SO, especially when I know he is very busy (he doesn't have any kids, but he is heading into high season at his work, some shifts of his are upto 16 hours). It can be a dark spiral with the more you try, the less positive response you get. Here are some of my tips, based on my experience:
1. Always assume he is busy, if you don't know what he is doing/why he is silent (Most my text these days to him even begin with Hi, I guess you are busy...)
2. Keep it short (no lyrics or complicated messsages)
3. Make it easy for him to respond (you read his mind. He is in fact busy. Ask/assume, and he can say yes)
4. It is not a debate, it is just bonding. Like the mental cousin of a hug, it doesn't have to mean anything, just feel good
5. Get busy on your own. Watch a movie, talk to other people, bake cupcakes. He is important but not everything.
6. Respond to what he is actually saying. How did the father-son sports watching go? who won?
7. Ask if you can scedule some time when you have more time to talk, even if it means Skyping in your lunch break, or just back off for a couple of days to see if he starts contacting you more. This is not game playing, it is along the lines of what he actually asks for, namely proof that you can survive and take care of yourself without turning into dust without his attention.
8. Use body-focused language: how does his body feel? Is he tired? Would it feel nice to sleep? How would you caress him or be caressed had you been together?

[Gayle1462]

Thank you for your take on this I will take your advice and back off. If he wants me he knows how to find me. Thank you Again.

[twentynine11]

I read this quote lately to help me when my SO is occupied.
People aren't ignoring you. They are busy with their lives. And the way to stop feeling ignored is to get busy with yours!

[Mims27]

I read this quote lately to help me when my SO is occupied.
People aren't ignoring you. They are busy with their lives. And the way to stop feeling ignored is to get busy with yours!

I like that quote a lot!! Must write it down somewhere!

Thanks for posting this thread OP. I've found myself doing that quite often. This is an eye opener for me. The thing is with me is that I HATE making people wait, so I don't. Ever. I expect the same in return, when I shouldn't. Everyone is different. Doesn't mean they are ignoring me, right?

[Gayle1462]

Very true..... thanks

[Gayle1462]

I know what you are saying I try to respond ASAP to someone...... when he doesn't respond my mind starts think crazy things instead of the real thing is that he is busy. Thank you all for helping me with this... for the last couple of days I have backed off and allowing him some space I will see what happens... If he stops contacting me then I know it was not real and that he was only being polite and responding... I guess time will tell.....

[SailorRei]

Even in CDR people are having busy schedules and might not have time to answer right away. In that sense, LD and CD are exactly the same