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    #1

    Fiancee struggling with addiction

    My fiancee told me two nights ago that she's been using again. She was clean for a little over 2 years but a few weeks ago she relapsed. I knew before she told me, or at least suspected it. She said she's going to quit, she hates what it turns her into. I don't know what to do or say to help. I know I can't make decisions for her, I can't try to control her behavior. I just wish I knew how to approach talking about it, and what I should or shouldn't say/do. I want to be supportive of her in her decision to quit and don't want to be an enabler.

    I don't know how she's planning on quitting, she doesn't want me to tell her family/friends because they don't know she's been using. I don't know how deep into it she is n if she can just put it down or if she needs help (I don't know how she got clean the first time around, we weren't on speaking terms at that time). I feel like her trying to keep it from everyone is only going to give her more opportunity to keep using but I don't want to go behind her back. She's not like most people, she normally handles her problems on her own but in this situation I don't know if that's possible. No I'm not dumb when it comes to addiction, it runs in my family, I know most people need help to stop and to stay clean, I'm just not sure she'll be open to getting help.

    Sorry for such a long, disorganized and probably confusing rant. I plan on getting involved with Nar-Anon but I'm not sure how much help they'll have for a long distance, international relationship situation. Hoping to get as much advice/support as possible
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    #2
    I am sorry to hear that. At least she has experience on how to get/stay clean. What did she do last time?

    I think it would be wise to share this With her Family, unless you know for sure they will be of no support to her.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      Definitely urge her to seek support. Beating addictions all by yourself, without any kind of psychological/personal help is a sisyphean task. A strong support network that she can turn to when she's feeling low and fears she could use again can be preventive in the future. Also, look up forums/resources/support groups for loved ones of addicts. It's very admirable that you want to help and not enable, but it's important to know how and to have people who understand your struggle. If you feel up for it, definitely seek that support. Wishing the best for you both! My SO has addiction problems too, and though he's clean and very communicative about his mental state and strict about his exposure to the pills, we don't stop taking the matter seriously. Addiction always stays with you one way or another, but it can definitely be kept at bay. But brutal honesty, communication and support is vitally important.

      ~
      It'll take a lot more than words and guns
      A whole lot more than riches and muscle
      The hands of the many must join as one
      And together we'll cross the river

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        #4
        I'm sorry to hear she's struggling again. I see she's in the UK, there are some really good support services here but often a few loopholes to jump through to get them. Her first step should be to go to her registered GP and get the official NHS support, anything she says in there will be strictly confidential but they should be able to get her on the path for intervention. Another really good source of support is https://www.addaction.org.uk/ addaction, it's well worth her (and you, even from a distance) asking them for some ideas and help. There are also often local sources of support too but I'm not sure which part of the UK she's in. Feel free to PM me though, I work in mental health in the UK and do a lot of work with addiction too so I maybe able to point you to someone local to her.

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          #5
          I'm not sure what she did last time. We haven't really had a chance to talk about it since she told me it was going on so I don't know what she plans to do or when. Thank you for the suggestions, when we get to talk again I will try to convince her to seek help/support. She is very hard headed and prideful so I don't know how open she is to what options. I know I can't force her to do anything, all I can do is suggest it and hope she makes the right choice.

          As for her family, they are a bit... concerned with appearances I guess would be a good way to put it. So I'm not sure if they would help her or try to get her to keep quiet about it.

          Comment

            #6
            For you, I would suggest AlAnon. It's so easy to get into the mentality that the addict is the only one with an issue, but there is support and recovery for people who are partners of an alcoholic/addict. The folks in AlAnon will be able to relate to your situation and share experience, strength, and hope. I would also encourage you to set some boundaries around what is and is not acceptable behavior in the relationship. Some ground rules might help. Be prepared to defend your boundaries. It is likely that your boundaries will be challenged.

            As for her, there are 12 step programs all over the world. But she has to be ready to recover, and she has to want to recover. Having a partner who wants the addict to be clean is simply not enough. The addict has to want it for herself. Period. Some addicts don't get clean and stay clean until they've hit their bottom. And nobody knows what their bottom looks like until they're there.

            I'm sorry to hear that your partner relapsed. There is a solution.

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              #7
              Just an update, she has been clean for 6 days now, detoxed at home and managed to keep working somehow. O.o She said 2 days ago that she is going to look into meetings so I'm excited about that. I have been looking into NarAnon groups, I've been pretty sick so I've only managed to go to an online NarAnon chat so far but I do plan on going to a meeting once I get more info on where and when they meet in my area.

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                #8
                It is great that she managed to stay clean so far hope she can find help on how to deal more, and that you find support, too.
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                Comment

                  #9
                  Glad you found NarAnon. If there aren't many in your area, AlAnon is basically the same support program and there are many more meetings than NarAnon.

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