Is It Worth A Shot, Or Would It Be Time Wasted?

[maybe__someday]

I've posted here a couple of times before about the same issue, but now I'm wondering if doing something about it is worth a try, or a pointless effort.

My (more than a friend's) parents do not like me. They've never really given much reason why, and their excuses change often. Their most recent reason for disliking me and why they're completely against my friend and I visiting each other or ever being together as a couple, is that I am "too skinny" and "not successful enough" because I "just work in retail" and will likely "not go up any further." Their previous excuses were that I was "weird" and "not right" for their son. They have even gone as far as also manipulating, threatening and guilt-tripping my friend, so that he then starts to question his decisions based around us and his own feelings + plans. He has tried to stick up for himself, to defend me, and to defend our connection to his family, however it has only made matters worse; not to mention, has stressed him out. I think this may be because he is not confident enough in standing up to his family as it's unfamiliar territory, and I believe that even though he has said he's tried his hardest to convince them I am a good person and to assure them of our plans, I don't think he quite knows the right things to say. His family know of his vulnerable points, and know that they have control over him; they know exactly the things to say and do, by taking advantage of his loyalty to them and his lack of independence.

For several weeks, I have wondered about writing his family a letter to explain my side of the situation—not to argue or offend, but to just express myself. My friend and I have recently come to a point where we are no longer pursuing a romantic relationship for the future, due to a lot of issues that have arose, but also due to this massive issue with his family. So, I suggested he ask his Mum/family if they would be okay with me writing them a letter. Their response was that "No, because she'll only be doing it on purpose." I'm not even sure what that means exactly, but I took it as a negative on the letter idea. The thing is, my friend still seems to think that it would be a good idea because he knows I am better at words and explaining things, and that my letter could change his family's outlook on the situation. I still have concerns that they'll either rip it up, or read it but then find more excuses to hate on me because that seems to be the type of people they are. I guess, right now, I'm a little on the fence about it, so I'm just wondering if anyone here has any input on what I should do? Just any advice, I'm not asking for people to make a decision for me, I just like to gather other people's perspectives.

Should I take the chance and write this letter to his family, or would it be a wasted effort? Should I really be trying this hard to get people to accept me, or at least tolerate me, or is it futile?

Thank you.

[snow]

How old is your maybe-soon-to-be SO? If you want to send a letter, do it because you want to, not because you want to change their mind. If they are the way they are, they will most likely not care too much about it.
I think you should try to meet and see where things go and if you meet the family, be polite and nice, show yourself from your best angle and if they still hate on you, then there's not much you can do.

I had a similar situation when I started dating my now husband. My family hated him for all the wrong reasons (oh no, he's american AND he works in retail) and they wouldn't listen to anything I said. They were dead set on me breaking up with him, told me that I would not be their daughter anymore if I continued and even though he tried talking to them through Steam messages (to my siblings) everyone still thought he was the wrong guy for me. I was 23 at that time and so I booked my flight with my own money and visited him. Once they knew that he treated me right and we were happy together, they stopped hating on him aggressively, yet they were still passive aggressive about it (why don't you look for someone closer? maybe you should try and work it out with your ex, etc. etc.)
Now, 3 years later, we're married and my family loves him. It took a lot of time and effort, but also a lot of bravery to not care what my parents thought.

[Elizabeth123]

You are trying to convince his family that you should be his SO -Does your SO want you to be his SO?

Who are you having a relationship with? - Him or his family?

I think you need to have a long talk with your SO...a relationship takes two people.
The best to you both

[sweetshay]

Meddling families sound like a red flag to me especially if they are starting to get in his head about you. Their doubts can turn into his doubts if he's not strong minded in his opinion. I think it's nice that you want to reach out but I really don't think anyone should have to try that hard to kiss someone's ass. I think even a phone conversation or skype would be better so you're guaranteed some sort of dialogue. A letter can be thrown out lol. What if they never change their minds? Do you really want to deal with having conflict with them long-term? I feel like he should stick up for you in the way that he just tells them to stay out of his business and that he's going to be with whomever he pleases whether they like it or not - unless they are financially supporting his visits or something. Do you know if this is a pattern? Like has this ever happened with other girls he has dated/been interested in?

[differentcountries]

The most important thing is having your SO on board with this. You are dating your SO, not his family.

That being said, I have good experience writing to my husband's family. My mother in law has been quite horrible and weird at times, for instance trying to dictate my hygene routines when I go on visits (she used to think I used the bathroom too much, then she complained I used it too little and did I wash at all?). Of course it is all just bullshit excuses to tell me that she is uncomfortable having someone in the midst of her family, which she is used to controlling. She hates her other daughter in law, so there is no need to take it personal. Me at least she likes on good days! And she sees that I make an effort visiting, writing them cards, calling and so on -I have often picked her gifts, and praised her taste in gifts, and her cooking skills and what not. AND she has also tried to make me not part of the family. It was troublesome for the family when I was sick and undiagnosed, because I got easily tired and often had to rest during the day, which MIL thought was me "making myself fancy". When I was hosptitalized she took at as some weird personal offense, and told my husband that he should divorce me. He thought that was so horrible he only told me a year after the fact (a lot of people did weird things when I was sick, noone really knows how to say and anger is a common reaction anyway).

Write them a letter (keep a copy, so you know what you wrote). Tell them about who you are, where you come from, what you have done in life so far, how you see your future. Write them about your SO, how you met, what you see in him, praise them for raising such a wonderful man (believe me, you can not praise them too much as parents. They love to hear that they are great parents, all parents do). Adress indirectly the matters they are concerned with:
- your body (if you eat healthy or work out or are interested in clothes or take care of your body in any way, do tell them)
- your job/status (if you love your job, tell them that, if you want to change jobs/start education tell that, if you save money let them know)
- weirdness (let them know you are comfortable with being introvert and that you actually don't mind any questions they might have, and that you are sure that you will develop ways of interacting that will work well for both of you)

Don't be too optimistic that a letter will change everything, but at least you will be able to explain yourself. That is also important for you; to take these points with you whenever you interact with them or talk to your SO about them. That you know who you are and what you want and are proud of yourself.

[maybe__someday]

How old is your maybe-soon-to-be SO? If you want to send a letter, do it because you want to, not because you want to change their mind. If they are the way they are, they will most likely not care too much about it.
I think you should try to meet and see where things go and if you meet the family, be polite and nice, show yourself from your best angle and if they still hate on you, then there's not much you can do.

I had a similar situation when I started dating my now husband. My family hated him for all the wrong reasons (oh no, he's american AND he works in retail) and they wouldn't listen to anything I said. They were dead set on me breaking up with him, told me that I would not be their daughter anymore if I continued and even though he tried talking to them through Steam messages (to my siblings) everyone still thought he was the wrong guy for me. I was 23 at that time and so I booked my flight with my own money and visited him. Once they knew that he treated me right and we were happy together, they stopped hating on him aggressively, yet they were still passive aggressive about it (why don't you look for someone closer? maybe you should try and work it out with your ex, etc. etc.)
Now, 3 years later, we're married and my family loves him. It took a lot of time and effort, but also a lot of bravery to not care what my parents thought.

He is 20, turning 21. I have met him and his family; two weeks after returning home, I found out what his family really thought of me. I'd only seen them three times while on my trip, and during that time they must have analyzed me and then made their judgments. They were okay with us being friends; it wasn't until my friend informed his family that we shared something more than friendship, that his family started all this hate towards me.

I wish that my more than a friend was as persistent and confident enough as your husband and yourself were revolving your family. In July, my friend was supposed to come visit me, but when his parents found out they started threatening him (they'll no longer help pay for his Uni fees) if he buys the plane ticket to see me, and then guilt tripped him by saying that his father would have to work more just help pay for Uni if he spends money to come see me. Then told my friend not to "waste" his money on someone like me. So my friend cancelled the trip.

[maybe__someday]

You are trying to convince his family that you should be his SO -Does your SO want you to be his SO?

Who are you having a relationship with? - Him or his family?

I think you need to have a long talk with your SO...a relationship takes two people.
The best to you both

Yes; he's always been a lot more adamant about us being together than I have been. Not that I don't want to be with him, but I think his feelings grew a lot quicker than mine did and he's always talking about wanting to be with me.

A good question. Of course, the relationship would be with him—but, I think it'd also feel as if I was "dating" his family too since they seem so involved, and like to control every aspect of my friends life. Which would suck, in my case.

I have definitely had a fair share of long talks with my friend. But, it has been me making most of the effort. I too believe it's a two-way street, relationships require things to be equal. It hasn't been between my friend and I, though. It's made things even that more difficult for me.

[maybe__someday]

Meddling families sound like a red flag to me especially if they are starting to get in his head about you. Their doubts can turn into his doubts if he's not strong minded in his opinion. I think it's nice that you want to reach out but I really don't think anyone should have to try that hard to kiss someone's ass. I think even a phone conversation or skype would be better so you're guaranteed some sort of dialogue. A letter can be thrown out lol. What if they never change their minds? Do you really want to deal with having conflict with them long-term? I feel like he should stick up for you in the way that he just tells them to stay out of his business and that he's going to be with whomever he pleases whether they like it or not - unless they are financially supporting his visits or something. Do you know if this is a pattern? Like has this ever happened with other girls he has dated/been interested in?

I agree; I do not want to kiss anyone's ass, or feel as if I have to prove myself to people who clearly have a shallow and judgmental mentality. The only reason I was considering the letter, and trying so hard, was because of my friend. To keep things hopeful for our future by trying anything and everything, even though it's not something I necessarily want to do.

My friend would have paid to visit me, however when his parents found out they started threatening him (they'll no longer help pay for his Uni fees) if he buys the plane ticket to see me, and then guilt tripped him by saying that his father would have to work more just help pay for Uni if he spends money to come see me. Then told my friend not to "waste" his money on someone like me. So my friend cancelled the trip. I even suggested we halve expenses, so that the load wasn't all on him, however he still fell into the trap his parents laid out and so my attempts at making some kind of compromise turned out to be pointless.

This would have been his first relationship, so I don't believe there has been a pattern. And at first I thought maybe his parents were being so controlling about us being together was because they were worrying, like parents tend to do, about their son being in his very first relationship. However, it's gone further than just that, it's now more of a personal attack on me as a person.

[differentcountries]

I wish that my more than a friend was as persistent and confident enough as your husband and yourself were revolving your family. In July, my friend was supposed to come visit me, but when his parents found out they started threatening him (they'll no longer help pay for his Uni fees) if he buys the plane ticket to see me, and then guilt tripped him by saying that his father would have to work more just help pay for Uni if he spends money to come see me. Then told my friend not to "waste" his money on someone like me. So my friend cancelled the trip.

We are in our late 30's and are homeowners with jobs. But even if we were still in Uni, in my country everyone admitted to higher education gets cheap federal state loans and scholarships, the university "fee" is symbolic and includes health care rights, and it is simply rarely a case of an adult being financially dependant on their parents.

I can perfectly understand that your more-than-a-friend lets himself be threatened by his parents if they finance his education and de facto control his future. It sounds that they could be not well off and that their concerns about money (his expences, your ability to provide for yourself/your future family) are somewhat based on real financal concerns. Would it be possible for you to visit him only, if you can afford that? Or finance him travelling to you? It sounds to me that if you pay for the visits you remove their numer one reason to dislike you.

[maybe__someday]

We are in our late 30's and are homeowners with jobs. But even if we were still in Uni, in my country everyone admitted to higher education gets cheap federal state loans and scholarships, the university "fee" is symbolic and includes health care rights, and it is simply rarely a case of an adult being financially dependant on their parents.

I can perfectly understand that your more-than-a-friend lets himself be threatened by his parents if they finance his education and de facto control his future. It sounds that they could be not well off and that their concerns about money (his expences, your ability to provide for yourself/your future family) are somewhat based on real financal concerns. Would it be possible for you to visit him only, if you can afford that? Or finance him travelling to you? It sounds to me that if you pay for the visits you remove their numer one reason to dislike you.

That's the thing, his family are very successful financially. I won't go as far as to label and say they're "rich", but they are very well off money-wise. I have given my friend the option of halving travel expenses, to make it fair. But he still refused, as he is just too concerned about what his family will do if he takes the trip to come see me—he seems to think their idle threats will turn into actual threats, where they either kick him out of home (a concern he voiced to me), or no longer support him financially; because despite the fact that he also has a job and can pay his Uni fees, he apparently needs help from his parents to do so. I'm not even too sure on the details revolving around that, but that's what my friend has told me.

[Zephii]

Everyone tends to say "you're dating him not his family" but you know what? Unless at some point he intends to give up his family entirely and never see them again, they are a bit of a package deal. Think of all those family events that would be awkward or downright nasty if in ten years you were together and they still hated you.

I mean, my in laws love me and are in a different country, and I still struggle with them!

So, if you're serious about this dude, you have nothing to lose. Write the letter.

[differentcountries]

That's the thing, his family are very successful financially. I won't go as far as to label and say they're "rich", but they are very well off money-wise. I have given my friend the option of halving travel expenses, to make it fair. But he still refused, as he is just too concerned about what his family will do if he takes the trip to come see me—he seems to think their idle threats will turn into actual threats, where they either kick him out of home (a concern he voiced to me), or no longer support him financially; because despite the fact that he also has a job and can pay his Uni fees, he apparently needs help from his parents to do so. I'm not even too sure on the details revolving around that, but that's what my friend has told me.

Ok, so that too is a bugus excuse. But their threats to cut him off financially or make him live on his own may be very real.

Would it be financially possible for him to support himself for the rest of Uni if it comes down to them making their threats reality?

[maybe__someday]

Ok, so that too is a bugus excuse. But their threats to cut him off financially or make him live on his own may be very real.

Would it be financially possible for him to support himself for the rest of Uni if it comes down to them making their threats reality?

Apparently not. It's roughly $7,000 a year. So he needs his Dad to help. It would have been good if my friend could afford it on his own, because then that's one less thing to depend on his parents for, so they can't use it as an excuse.

[differentcountries]

Still there could be the option of you visiting, unless they mind. Are they opposed to that as well?

[maybe__someday]

Still there could be the option of you visiting, unless they mind. Are they opposed to that as well?

I'm not sure I'd be able to stay at a resort/hotel by myself. I've never done something like that before. And staying at my friends house would obviously not be an option.