Dating someone whose last, serious partner died.

[differentcountries]

I don't neccesarily both people need to be ready to move. But if I recall from your previous posts, he has never visited your country or expressed desire to do so. And now you are almost broke, with no job, you need him and he is depressed or/and not that committed to the relationship just yet. As you pointed out, he has told not he he loves you and he is slow at romantic gestures. You see things in a different light living with him than just visiting. It is not just you wonder if he loves you. You have started to doubt his qualities, even his looks and his ability to turn you on.

Perhaps that is a good thing. For sure, sort of living with SO has made me realize that he can sometimes be a slob, sometimes insensitive or stupid, he is shy of conflict even with close ones (he even does the "why can't YOU tell him we are busy"...excuse of making me his buffer), he is lazy and lack initiative to activate himself when not in a setting where he has a job or a task.... But the thing is, I know he loves he. He wants to change for me. I can take his bad sides because I deal with them, or he does. On overall he is moving forward and we move forward as a couple/family. But your impression of your SO is that he is standing still. I am not sure if that is a fair judgement of him, but he is affecting you this way. You are now in a place where you doubt your future and the whole relationship.

I just wonder... Does your SO now this? Does he know your fears and how you are doubting everything know? Did you tell him? Is he aware that he now risks loosing you - not just physically, but also your support and your commitment? Is he ok with you dissapearing out of his life?

If I was able to, I would be happy to move to SO to work for a year - but that is because I know he is commited. I agree, you should not continously uproot your life for a relationship where the other part just expects you do, does not appreciate it and understand the hardship of it. He should be able to visit your country and your family. His holiday time should go to you. A large part of his money should be set aside to visit your and for the upkeep of the relationship. Because that is what people in international relationships do - they accept that long distance is costly and timeconsuming, and adjust accordingly. Not everyone has the same ammount of money or time off, but each one should do their share and also seek to stretch whatever they have (I had to become super frugal to afford long distance). It is perfectly reasonable to say, "hey, I tried what I could to keep us together. Now it is your turn to contribute and show how you are commited. Bring it on, baby".

[Kapwned]

Perhaps you could use the fact that you may be going back as leverage and an escape route. You do need to have a serious talk with him, that is a serious issue for you and it can be dealt with.

He needs to see a therapist. It's been years now and while he shouldn't be expected to forget her, he needs to move on with life. He can't dwell on the past. I assume he was rather young when this happened seeing as you're young yourself. But realistically, there is no telling how their relationship may have ended up. I had fallen for a guy a few years ago, and he liked me too, he was perfect, I saw no flaws in him, and I still don't, but he passed away before anything official could happen. And sometimes when I log into Facebook and see his face at the top of my messenger list, I do wonder how things may have gone had he lived. But I'm also a realist. I don't believe in one perfect partner for people, it's just about finding one who wants to stick around with you long term. I don't recommend saying that to him but a therapist could find a more subtle way of reminding him of this. The person she was then would not be the person she is now had she lived, that could be good or bad, and there are 7 billion people on this planet, there are VERY good chances that he could meet someone who is just as amazing as she was *cough* if he hasn't already.

And you should use this opportunity to allow him to figure out just how much you truly mean to him. You are already amazing to him, don't let the situation you're in make you think otherwise. You have moved across the world for him and you have invested so much money and time in him. You are a very dedicated and loyal person and you have done things that she probably did not do and maybe wouldn't have been willing to do. You are not her and it doesn't mean you are any less amazing.

Good luck, no matter which way it goes

[Aussieabroad]

Thank you for all your insightful answers. If I wasn't in turmoil about everything, I certainly am now.

On the 4th of July, we went out with friends and did a hell of a lot of drinking (Murica!). We went out to a bar with a dance floor. My friends were super excited to be silly and dance and my boyfriend refused to go on the dance floor. After him being super insistent for me to join my friends, I left him at the bar and danced. However after 10 mins or so, I felt super guilty leaving him alone and i went back over to him.

As I went up to him, he literally pushed me away and kept yelling "Go away. Go away from me". Multiple times. I had no idea what I had done wrong. I went outside and called my Mum crying, telling her that I was coming home. I was so terrified of him. physical abuse, no matter how small (was a push away. Didn't hurt me or forcibly shove me more than back a step) is normally my deal breaker.

He found me outside the bar and kept saying sorry etc. But i was hysterical. I was so scared of him. Once we got back to my friend's place, I got a taxi back home without telling him. I was packing up my stuff when he walked in the front door and caught me. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I was afraid of him. He absolutely lost it, opened his front door and repeatedly said "Get the fuck out". I was crying so hard and couldn't breathe. I don't know anyone here and it was 3am. I didn't know what to do. He then told me off for making him "drive home after drinking". I thought he was going to stay behind. I never would want him behind the wheel drunk.

He suddenly 'came to', and was apologising and saying he would never throw me out etc. The next day, once sober he apologised a zillion times and was going out of his way to be nice to me. Today he was texting me from his work saying he can't stop thinking about me and was so upset about what happened over the weekend. Said it would never happen again and he had only drunk Jack Daniels once in the past, and he became aggressive that time too. Said he would never drink it again as it clearly makes him agro.

Except now I can't get the image out of my head. The look of contempt he gave me when shouting at me. Last night I awoke accidentally shoving him in my sleep, because I was reliving what happened, but in my dream. He is just normally such a laid back, nice, reasonable person. I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to get over what happened this past weekend, even if he was heavily intoxicated. (He barely drinks, btw. He is not struggling with alcoholism).

[Miasmata]

This is something that's not solved by apologies and good efforts, I'm afraid. I mean, those are vitally important too, but when someone loses control on that level, alcohol alone just isn't enough of an explanation. I really feel he should talk to a counselor/therapist about this. I'm no professional but even I can tell his emotions are becoming way too much for both him and you to handle (reasonably so), and neither of you should rely on his promises to rebuild trust. My SO has agression issues himself and I know that one of the worst triggers, easily, is when he's horribly afraid. Fear can make people lash out hard, and it can easily engulf someone before they know it. If he's afraid of himself and you are afraid of him, that's a horrible situation for any kind of safety and trust to flourish. You'll both feel like he's a ticking timebomb, and no delusion or ignoring the issue is gonna fix that. Please talk with him, tell him how you feel, and seek professional support.

[Kapwned]

You guys have GOT to TALK and he needs to see a counselor. I think both of your actions were very in the moment and needed some time to blow over and for both of you to calm down. Alcohol can do negative things to people's minds and their behavior, but thankfully it does not always reflect the individual as they truly are. Everyone has their poison and it brings out the worst in us. Thankfully it can be controlled but the emotional side was likely fueled by something that was or is bothering him. He hasn't displayed behavior like this in the past so I doubt he's prone to being abusive. But as Miasmata said, he needs counseling. This is the perfect time to bring up what has been bothering you and to perhaps offer an ultimatum. Tell him you feel like right now you're just plan B and that you'll never be good enough and he is clearly dealing with some inner turmoil and he needs to start talking to a professional about it if he is serious about you.

[Aussieabroad]

You guys have GOT to TALK and he needs to see a counselor. I think both of your actions were very in the moment and needed some time to blow over and for both of you to calm down. Alcohol can do negative things to people's minds and their behavior, but thankfully it does not always reflect the individual as they truly are. Everyone has their poison and it brings out the worst in us. Thankfully it can be controlled but the emotional side was likely fueled by something that was or is bothering him. He hasn't displayed behavior like this in the past so I doubt he's prone to being abusive. But as Miasmata said, he needs counseling. This is the perfect time to bring up what has been bothering you and to perhaps offer an ultimatum. Tell him you feel like right now you're just plan B and that you'll never be good enough and he is clearly dealing with some inner turmoil and he needs to start talking to a professional about it if he is serious about you.

I spoke to him and suggested a therapist for anger. He said he doesn't feel like he has anger issues but if he ever made me feel that way again, he's going to see someone. He said he reacts terribly under stress and he has been very stressed out lately. He also said it's killing him how much he overreacted this weekend and fears he caused damage to our relationship that we will never be able to repair. We agreed we are going to try and work on it, so we will see.

[Miasmata]

It doesn't need to be "simply" anger issues. His grief, stress, whatever it is can very well be the root of the problem, and his management of those feelings isn't good enough to keep himself stable all by himself. I can't tell you what to do, but personally, I think it's awful that he'd rather wait and see if he's gonna make you feel this way again than at least try a therapist. Therapy doesn't need to be a longterm commitment - If he got the support he needs within a few sessions, that's that. But he needs the tools and stability to understand and manage his emotions better, and therapy is often vital in finding those tools. If it's really killing him how he acted, he should take the proper consequences and get help.

[Kapwned]

I'm not excusing it, but one incident to me does not constitute anger issues and a need for help with that specific issue, but instead shows further proof that there is something troubling him internally. And I don't think it's going to externally manifest itself through physical responses, I think his response the other night was fueled by the alcohol and that can be resolved by simply staying away from that type of alcohol, as he has promised to do and apparently feels horrible about.

I think the topic needs to be revisited and combed more thoroughly. The issue here is not anger issues, it's the OP feeling less valued and her SO clearly dealing with something internal. Instead of straight up telling him he needs help, it should be explained why. When they started dating he would often bring up his ex. It made her feel like he was comparing their relationship to the one he had with her. She asked him to stop and he did but she feels like just because the topic was silenced that it did not necessarily resolve the issue. Ever since she moved there he's been acting withdrawn, and she can't help but notice it. He's told her when they were together he'd do all of these things for his ex and with her. But he hasn't been anything like that with her, and the other night he even pushed her away, which leads me to believe he is dealing with something, and it is starting to affect their relationship which means it's something that needs to be addressed. She has moved across the world for him and all that she can do right now is ask that he get some counseling. That's not asking a whole lot. There is no shame in getting help, and as Miasmata said, it doesn't need to be long term.

[Aussieabroad]

He keeps on saying he's dealing with a lot of stress and doesn't handle it well. I know he hates where we live coz our room mate is a pot head and we are sharing a fairly small room. I know its really getting to him that we don't have our own place and he feels like this isn't his home. He only moved to this city for a job mere weeks before I moved here, so I'm sure that's not helping.

But yes, I think there is an underlying turmoil with his late partner. It might be egotystical to say, but i think he fears he will lose me like he lost her (re: me needing to go home in a month's time unless i find a job and a visa sponsor) so he could be stressing about that too. But who knows.

Either way, he said it would never happen again, what happened on Saturday and he feels horrible about it and has been going out of his way to be really nice today, so here's to hoping it's smooth(er) sailing from here

[Miasmata]

Often, these issues are bigger than one person can handle alone. It's very nice of him to act sweet now and insist it will never happen again, but very often, it just doesn't work that way. I still feel he should talk to someone, but again, I can't tell you what to do. Just please, be vigilant, and be honest with him at all times. Don't let him act in a way that hurts you both like this.

[whatruckus]

I would be very wary of him. It always starts out as something like this, and then it escalates to where he may put his hands on you...and not in the good way.

If he has to "come to" in order to realize what he's doing, and what he's saying, that's not good. It means he probably blacked out from being so irrationally angry.

I don't like this situation you have with him, and I just plain don't like him now.

[differentcountries]

It doesn't really matter if he puts his hands on you again again, he does not seem to comprehend that he is supposed to make you feel safe, not scared. His ability to handle stress is a big indicator of what kind of life you are going to have together. If he is stressed now, with you under his roof, how is he going to handle living in an international relationship with you?

[Scouse05]

I'm not sure if this will help or not but I'll let you decide...

My 'soulmate' died and whilst I had other relationships and even thought I loved them, I always knew that if my SO who had died ever came back I would drop my current partner like a hot stone and return to live happily ever after with my one true love. I thought it was ok to feel like that and unsurprising I went from relationship to relationship to relationship. Eventually I broke the cycle and went for some counselling, initially I thought it was relationship counselling as I could not keep a long term relationship but it turned into bereavement counselling (not very surprising when I look back now). Through this and a lot of work on my part I have now managed to let go of the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and whilst I appreciate our time together and wouldn't change it, I no longer feel like they were the one who got away (so to speak).

I was a very angry young woman and I can remember lashing out once after too much to drink. It is never acceptable and I too 'only' pushed my partner away but that was wrong and I hated myself for that. It wasn't her I was pushing away when I think about it, it was everyone because I was so hurt and scared of loving someone again because they might die and I couldn't face the heartache again so I literally pushed everyone away. Even when I wasn't physically pushing people away I found other ways to keep people at arms length. Counselling helped me to see what was going on and release my anger safely.

It's been 15 years since my first 'soulmate' died. I always thought you only met 1 special person in life but I was wrong. My current SO is my soul mate, the love of my life and everything else I want from the person I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with. It has taken a lot for me to fully open my heart again and actually allow myself to love fully without the fear of loss.

What all this means for you I don't know. All I can say is that you are responsible for making yourself happy, if you are not happy, tell him. Your unhappiness doesn't seem to stem from his loss but actually from his behaviour and lack of romantic/loving gestures towards you. If he does not have the capacity to love you because of his loss then I suppose it's about how long do you wait to see of that changes or do you cut your losses and leave him. Relationship counselling may help but not until he gets support for his issues. Maybe you could both benefit from a bit of 1:1 support (separately) before looking at your relationship together.

We all deserve to be someone's number 1 and not feel like the runner up. I never thought anyone could love me as much as my dead SO because I felt undeserving of their love. I was very wrong because I am loved by the most wonderful woman and I am truly, madly and deeply in love with her, just as she deserves to be loved.

I'm sorry if I haven't made much sense in this post. It's hard sometimes to get what I'm trying to say out of my head in a way others can understand.

I wish you all the best whatever road you take x