starting an LDR - what to expect?

[retty]

Hi, I'm new here and new to an LDR.

I met my boyfriend 3 months ago. I am working in his country. When we met he had a job lined up in the US. After 1 month we became a couple with the intention of a sort of summer fling thinking we would break up when he left. Only neither if us wanted to break up when the time came, so when he left last week we decided to try the ldr thing. I will visit him in the US for christmas but that is 6 minths away....

The first few days he was gone were ok, we texted each other all day (13 hour time difference means one of us is always awake!) but since then he hasn't been texting me much at all. Even less than when he was still here. When he was still here he would text me little updates on what he is doing and send me pictures of who he was with. Now i am having to constantly ask to find out what he is doing.

Is that normal when a couple separates? I am worried because our relationship was going so well before but maybe 2 months isn't a strong enough foundation for an ldr. I know he is busy because he is starting a new job in a new country, but i feel like he is already failing to put in the effort. Even tho i asked him to let me know all the boring stuff he is doing i still haven't had any updates from him all day, even though i message him every few hours just like we used to when he was here. Is this something i should get use to or us it a sign that this is doomed already? How often do you talk to your SO? I don't think i can cope with the lack of contact but i really want this to work.

[TheSteelAngel]

Welcome to LFAD! My advice to you is to communicate often. Try to talk as much as you can. Also keep yourself busy. Don't have your whole life revolve around this relationship. That's one of the biggest mistakes some people on here make. Live your life and let him live his. Most importantly plan visits and have fun

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I'm answering this from my perspective, not necessarily your SO's. I hate texting. When I get a text, I sigh a little bit ever time. Imagine this ALL day. I would seriously be driven up a wall, especially if I was busy doing other stuff. Within my LDR, I do text my boyfriend randomly throughout the day, but it's never constant. We found a pace that works for us that doesn't drive me nuts, but yet still allows us to communicate regularly. Mostly, we'll send messages talking about what we're doing today (such as, after work, I'm getting dinner with my friend, but I should be home after that if you're able to skype?). We try to skype everyday, but many times that doesn't happen just because of our schedules and the time difference (7 hours, so not quite as bad as yours).

As TheSteelAngel said, you need to have your own life in the LDR. Find a new hobby or make extra time for your friends. Do something! It doesn't matter what, but you need to find something that will distract you during the day so you're not constantly waiting for a text. Talk to him about feeling like this and see what he says. All you have right now is communication, so use it to your advantage. I got really good at confronting the little seeds of doubt that pop into my head (such as "is he mad at me?" or "does he still love me?") right away. 99% of the time, it was all in my mind anyways, so bring it up and clearing the air early helped avoid tension and unnecessary fights.

[retty]

Thanks I'm trying to get him into the habbit of messaging me in the morning and at night as i know he will be very busy working 12 hours a day. I hope it works because i can't stand the idea of not hearing from him everyday. I'm also worried about the future and how we can be together, and whether or not he will find some gorgeous american girl and replace me....this long distance stuff is hard and it will take getting use to! I guess i have to learn to let it go and stop worrying.

[differentcountries]

He works 12 hours a day in a busy job, and you have 13 hrs time difference...I am sure he is rather tired, and more tired too for missing you.

Don't know it that would work for you guys, but... my SO is very visual, so for us we send more emicons and pictures than we write text. We used to Skype a lot, but now that he is super busy (a 10 hour job, sometimes longer hours + a side job some days a week), we Skype just a couple of times a week - but then we really connect. It works out well because I am also rather busy working, working out and doing my hobbies, being social etc. I find also that the longer I am the relationship, I trust that he is there even if I don't hear from him as much - I was more upset and jealous last year at this time! We had a whole of 3 days together CD before going LD, BTW - now we have dated almost 2 years, all of it LD.

[SailorRei]

What to expect from LDR? A lot of missing that person and sometimes feeling powerless.
Good communication is the key, but you need to remember that it's simply impossible to text each other all the time when you're in different time zones and go to work/uni.

There will be a days when you'll need to settle for only good morning/night text and 2 "I miss you" throughout the day.

And there will be days when your LDR will feel like a joke and lost cause, and the days when you'll feel so in love that the distance won't matter.

[retty]

Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I guess i will try to ease off the texting, although i have told him i don't always need a reply. I just like to let him know what I'm doing^^.

It's encoraging to hear your stories and i hope that we can find something that works for us too! I spoke to him on the phone this morning and he sounded very tired so i will try to be more understanding of his situation and not panic every time i don't hear from him.

[snow]

I guess i will try to ease off the texting, although i have told him i don't always need a reply. I just like to let him know what I'm doing^^.

If you don't mind him not responding, then don't worry about him not responding

[Happygirl123]

im just going to basically repeat what every one else here has said haha, but thought it would be good to have an extra person of encouragement and yes - communication is key, but enjoy each moment, take each day as it comes. ldr's are hard, but definitely doable, and so rewarding at the end of it all. good luck in your relationship always!!