Boyfriend depressed; I feel guilty and powerless

[Vermilliona]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months - long distance the whole time, but two months ago the distance became 15,000 km instead of 800 km. He's coming to see me for a month in a week's time, but after that we have another 4 months 15,000 kms away before it's back to 800 and more visits and same time zone.

I'm worried about him being depressed because of the distance. He says he feels stressed and off more often, his parents notice that he looks sad etc - and from what he's said so far, it's because of me. He's said that not being able to share the day as much (wake up at the same time etc) and the feeling of me being so far away were the factors making him depressed. We talk as much as we did before I left (at least 4-5 hours a day of text+ Skype), I do my best to share the day with him still, although lately we've had lots of small disagreements over not much really.

I've tried suggesting he get out and do more, find more passions etc but he says they're all just distractions and eventually he'll start thinking about me again and feeling sad. He does do stuff now, mostly gym, work, seeing friends, going to sports matches, so he is busy and occupied. I've also tried suggesting he get more sleep (he stays up until 3/4 am on a regular basis to talk to me) but he says when I was closer he was happy on less sleep then that. Honestly, it's making me feel guilty for being overseas and like whenever I leave wifi to go out and enjoy my time here it's like I'm directly hurting him because not talking to me makes him sad.

ACTUAL QUESTION (after that elaborate background) - what can I do to make him feel better? I'm scared that if it gets too hard for him he's going to leave me, because he's said he'd do that as a last resort. We love each other and want to build a life together, and I just want him to be happy. Any advice would be hugely appreciated - thank you in advance!

[R&R]

One very important thing you need to know - You are NOT responsible for how he feels. He is his own person and is responsible for his feelings. You can't feel guilty because he is having a hard time dealing with the distance. You each have an individual life outside this relationship and you should never feel badly for living that life.

You can be a positive influence. You can set a good example for him. You can listen to him when he's having a hard time but you can also help him put things in perspective. Keep up communication. Plan countdowns to visits. You can find lots of ideas on this site for different things you can do.

[Claudia03]

Hi Vermilliona,
I think what R&R said is a great advice, I totally agree. You are not responsible for his happiness. It seems like you're doing everything to help him and to be "closer" emotionally, but he still sad. It's important to identify when is sadness and when is depression. If it is depression he needs to get help because depression is real and hurt. Be patient, keep strong, and remember why you are together in the first place. Help him to remember that. If he left you he doesn't deserves you.

[differentcountries]

Lack of sleep, or sleeping at the wrong time, can in itself cause symptoms of depression. If you try for a week to cut back on the late night Skyping he might feel better. We too were "happy to" use the night to Skype in the beginning, but as humans we need sleep. A lot of sleep! I have a joke about my SO being so handsome and needing his nightly "beauty sleep", perhaps you too can find ways that gives night Skyping less a mening for you.

[Vermilliona]

Thank you everyone for your responses, they were all very helpful in evaluating the situation - I'll see how we go after our trip and will definitely keep the points you made in mind. All the best!

[Alice.S]

Yea, the first few weeks will be tough and both of you may refuse to sleep to spend more precious time together. But for the long run, I would suggest focusing on building trust and giving assurance! By giving assurance is not just using words, the assurance that really leaves an impression on your partner is to remind them how amazingly great about themselves. Encourage them to stay busy by spending quality time with their family and friends. mozzi.co

[Zephii]

Basically, this is his problem not yours. He needs to pull his finger out of his arse and support you rather than trying to make you feel guilty.

With that said, when we were long distance we found falling asleep on Skype helpful with feeling connected and getting enough sleep. Perhaps you can find a way to do this together, maybe once a week or something. We had a time difference too, so it couldn't be a full night. But it still worked. Sometimes if we couldn't Skype he would go to bed but leave his pc on with Skype auto-accepting calls, and then I could check in on him like the creepy stalker I am. Other times we'd fall asleep together and then at 2am my time he'd get up for work/school.

It made us feel more like we lived together and came home to each other. I don't know if you can make it work, but it's the best suggestion I have, aside from telling him he needs to be more supportive and less selfish

[80anthea]

I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of it is something that he needs to learn to deal with. However, I'm sorry Zephii but that post has made me quite angry. Depression is not something you can just 'pull your finger our of your arse' neither is it selfish. Depression is an illness and not something you can not just snap out of even if you really want to sometimes. Of course there are things that you can do to help yourself: seek professional support, routines and structures, socialising, finding hobbies and interests etc. But sometimes it is a real battle and not easy to start getting better.

[Miasmata]

I fully agree, Anthea, though I doubt Zephii was trying to be insulting towards mental illness. We simply don't know if the OP's partner is "just" feeling down or actually suffers from mental illness/depression, and there is no way for us or the OP to diagnose that. I agree, if he doesn't have the energy or willpower to make changes, or if the changes aren't enough, he should absolutely seek mental help, and if it's just for a few sessions to get him out of the funk. But no matter what, working on your outlook and attitude is rewarding, because it helps with both "simple" funks and legit mental illness. Just if it's the latter, it likely takes more than that. OP, you know your partner better than us, but if you have reason to believe he suffers from depression rather than just a sad time because of the distance, encourage him to seek help.

[R&R]

I fully agree, Anthea, though I doubt Zephii was trying to be insulting towards mental illness. We simply don't know if the OP's partner is "just" feeling down or actually suffers from mental illness/depression, and there is no way for us or the OP to diagnose that. I agree, if he doesn't have the energy or willpower to make changes, or if the changes aren't enough, he should absolutely seek mental help, and if it's just for a few sessions to get him out of the funk. But no matter what, working on your outlook and attitude is rewarding, because it helps with both "simple" funks and legit mental illness. Just if it's the latter, it likely takes more than that. OP, you know your partner better than us, but if you have reason to believe he suffers from depression rather than just a sad time because of the distance, encourage him to seek help.

I agree with this. IMHO, I think people are way too quick to jump to "it must be depression" when someone is just feeling off. People have emotions of being sad, unhappy, down - it's normal just like being happy, positive and joyful are. If it's really depression or he just needs help getting his mind back on track, then maybe he needs some professional help.

[Zephii]

I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of it is something that he needs to learn to deal with. However, I'm sorry Zephii but that post has made me quite angry. Depression is not something you can just 'pull your finger our of your arse' neither is it selfish. Depression is an illness and not something you can not just snap out of even if you really want to sometimes. Of course there are things that you can do to help yourself: seek professional support, routines and structures, socialising, finding hobbies and interests etc. But sometimes it is a real battle and not easy to start getting better.

I whole heartedly agree with you. I have this mental illness. But from reading the OP it doesn't at all sound like this dude IS mentally ill, the way the post is worded indicates he feels depressed as in sad rather than is suffering from depression. At no point has Vermilliona stated he has a history of mental illness or a diagnosis of any sort. Over all, as a sufferer of depression, as a writer and an avid reader, I at no point got the impression he has depression. If I thought he did, my answer would be different, but it just sounds like he is being manipulative more than anything else to me.